Cloaked_Shadow Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 Prologue Shadow has fallen over this medieval land of magic and knight-ship. An ancient prophecy tells of how a man with knowledge of light magic shall save us from this evilÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâæthe Mage Of Light has been corrupted by an evil he himself created. A living shadow that grows with peopleÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s saddened hearts. So the Mage, influenced by the shadow he himself created with magical arts, made a great mine, just to mine plain rocks, so the shadow can feed ravenously on the minersÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢ black hearts, and grow in size as well as power. The shadow has come to a point where it can shift from different types of matter, gas, solid, and liquid. With excess mass it can create weapons. ItÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢ stabs into your heart and absorbs, I mean eats, you deepest miseries. Our heroes are found in this mine, digging for stone, not knowing what the use of it may be. Until one day, they discovered what had been the cause for their enlistment and the great stone mine. This is a journal one of them wrote, about the great Shadow. 1:Shadows On The Walls My name is Mohammad Kabir, best friend is Sasha Manohar. We live in this vast mine of stone, its rough halls gray and depressing. A heavy gray dust is always in the air, almost choking the miners here to death. I have no idea what our king, the Mage Of Light was using it for. ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅYou two!ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâà ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cloaked_Shadow Posted June 23, 2004 Author Share Posted June 23, 2004 my story, hop u like it. ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cloaked_Shadow Posted June 24, 2004 Author Share Posted June 24, 2004 um, any1 gonna post? ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smokie Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 Nice job! How long did it take you to write that? I like the way you stylized the characters, with a modern yet classic touch. It's sort of like a modern-anime story. Excellent descriptions though.. All I could say is whoa! :o You should be commended just for effort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cloaked_Shadow Posted June 24, 2004 Author Share Posted June 24, 2004 thanks alot :) :D ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cloaked_Shadow Posted June 24, 2004 Author Share Posted June 24, 2004 any1 who reads this can u plz post with critisisms or just say what u think of it? yah thx. ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForsakenMage Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 :wink: Just give it time for people to read. Took me a while to read it too and I'm a fairly fast reader in real life. :oops: It's a well-written story. Your descriptions provide a very vivid image. Hope to see more of your work soon! :D Adventurer's Log || YouTube || Facebook || Tip.it Times Work || Wanna Join the Editorial Panel?Maxed Out 01 October 2012 PDT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pessu Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 Some how i doubt u wrote that because anyone that plays runescape doesnt have any brains... :roll: But if u did nice job! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnnymarr Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 any1 who reads this can u plz post with critisisms or just say what u think of it? yah thx. Nice setting and idea, you've obviously spent allot of time and effort on this. I have only one criticism; it needs to flow a bit better. It seems to be a bit to condensed with one detail, description, or event happening one after the other. For example in the first paragraph thereÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s just too many descriptions happening at once. Also when you are describing the sword nearly every sentence in the paragraph starts with the word ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅitÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâà Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cloaked_Shadow Posted June 25, 2004 Author Share Posted June 25, 2004 thank u, and yes i did write this. :D ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cloaked_Shadow Posted June 25, 2004 Author Share Posted June 25, 2004 BUMP :? ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craven_Image Posted June 26, 2004 Share Posted June 26, 2004 It's very good but unfortunately I doubt whether this is truly yours, when I read the extracts you did for the Legends of Runescape thread the language is very poor and theres huge grammatical errors. Mohammad entered a strange land, by the name of Geilenor, said by a monk, abbot langley of the monastery. That was quoted from one of the replies you did, the very first line in fact. This however, has a much better quality to it so either you were drunk, stoned or both when you wrote the Legends of Runescape one, or you are just lieing... 99 Magic, 99 Defence, 99 Strength, 99 Attack, 99 Hitpoints, 99 Fletching, 99 Woodcutting, 99 Firemaking, 99 Thieving, 99 Ranged, 99 Prayer, 99 Cooking, 99 Fishing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cloaked_Shadow Posted June 26, 2004 Author Share Posted June 26, 2004 i swear, i wrote every single bit of this, and when i wrote the legends thing it was 6' o clock in da morning, but ah well. yeah it is mine, if ya dont believe me.....well then ya just dont. if u ever come to my house(which you wont) ill show it to you, its on my comp and im still writing more. in fact, here's a new chapter: How Evil Feels ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅNo!ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâà ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalevi Posted June 26, 2004 Share Posted June 26, 2004 That was great set of text. (Didn't read it all btw.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neo_Kirby Posted June 27, 2004 Share Posted June 27, 2004 Very nice. BTW Craven He could have just proofread the story. Cuz many ppl do that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lildimdracun Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 thats awesome...im surprised if someone didnt like it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cloaked_Shadow Posted June 30, 2004 Author Share Posted June 30, 2004 im not posting anymore, but im still writing. too bad, i'm not posting for...some reasons. lets just say this happened to tip.it b4. ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CPOMendez Posted July 3, 2004 Share Posted July 3, 2004 dammmmmmm that is one long story. its good tho lot beta than mine :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lianne Posted July 3, 2004 Share Posted July 3, 2004 If I were to rate this, I would give it a 5.5/10 based on my overall impression. To begin with, your grammar needs to be more polished. Run-ons are generally not attractive at all. You have plenty of those lurking about. Also, there -is- a difference between commas, semi-colons, and periods, slight as it may be. It may be "long" compared to some people's, but it is very loose in many ways. Is it the view of a child? Or of a mentally restricted person? No, from what I can see; so there is no reason for intentional flippancy or excessive simplicity in the structure. Neither does this seem to be a parody or something inane piece of humor. Keep this in mind as you write. You must have a physical body for this sort of style, not a skeleton of alabaster coloring covered and hidden by flighty, thoughtless words. Then, I turn to examine your vocabulary choices. You need more variety. Something different must be used once in a while, at least. I am not sure that you understand the definitions and usages of all of the different words. I am not going to pick out anything in particular, but keep in mind that if I used ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅimbibeÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâà Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cloaked_Shadow Posted July 4, 2004 Author Share Posted July 4, 2004 uh............yeah...sure.....any way, my bro edited this! woo-hoo then, i added more and it is now 60 pages long ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cloaked_Shadow Posted July 6, 2004 Author Share Posted July 6, 2004 i made new chapters: the guardians, Journey through the plains, and The destruction of the school. say Hello! if you want them here ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Gon Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 very nice dude Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cloaked_Shadow Posted July 6, 2004 Author Share Posted July 6, 2004 thanks alot :) ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cloaked_Shadow Posted July 15, 2004 Author Share Posted July 15, 2004 bump ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nighthawkpro Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 very nice, good job. im currenty writting 2 stories :) called face to face(s) with death and the other called RuneScape Beta~ The call of a Savior. Both title are copywrite © Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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