October 25, 200619 yr Seeing as how I've lost my inpiration and don't have much time on my hands anymore, I've decided to stop writing poetry until further notice. Thank you for reading my poems and helping me out. ~DeloriaGod's Stab at Poetry~ PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING Alright, so I'm new to writing poetry. I don't want anyone to rate my poems. Instead, I'd rather you tell me what you think, and tell me what I can do to better my work. Please don't be too harsh. I don't need comments consisting of 'You suck' and the sort. _____________________________________________ 10/24 - Notes: This one is true.. I'm hoping for most of my poems to be from experience. Forever Unloved Crush after crush, life always seems to move on. Then along comes another. But wait, this one is different! She's flirting back, we're off to a great start. [Pause] We've danced, we've hugged... Things seem almost perfect. For now... [Pause] We've kissed, I feel loved... What we have seems special. Confidence is on my side, I ask her out... [Pause] She says no, my heart is broken. We remain friends, but the pain lives on, Deep inside, I feel... Forever unloved... __________________________________ Notes: This poem is kind of a suicide note. I told my gf that if I ever lost her I'd hate myself forever. I've thought of what I'd do and unfortunatly I was depressed at the time and so suicide came to my mind. No, I am not suicidal, this is just a poem. There are 4 lines in this poem that are completely true. I'll let you try to find them. Worse Than Death Have I told you lately that I love you? Of course I have. I tell you every day... Until that day... [Pause] I loved you so much, and I thought it would never end. Everything seemed so perfect, but it wasn't. The walls gave out and the ceiling collapsed. Everything lay in a pile of hatred. I'm sorry for what happened... [Pause] I loved you so much, and I still do. I never though what brought us close, Would tear us apart. I told you if I ever lost you, I'd hate myself. [Pause] Well the hate is overwhelming. I can't stand not being with you, Not seeing you, not hearing you... And with that I say good night. My life is about to end. My last thoughts, of you. My last words, your name. My last attempt, worthless... ... ______________________________ Notes: This poem is about my frist kiss. Though the setting is changed, the feelings are real. Enjoy! Kisses In The Fall The leaves chance color. We watch in silence, side by side. It's getting colder, she moves closer. We watch the sun set.. It keeps getting colder, she keeps moving closer. I look deep into her eyes, beautiful. She looks deep into mine, we move closer... Closer, closer... [Pause] Our lips touch, everything seems to fall into place... I feel as though I'm flying! We seperate.. My wings begin to fade. Before I can touch the ground, We're locked in another kiss... [Pause] I finally come back to reality. All around me are the trees we'd seen ealier. In front of me.. The most beautiful girl in the world.. And I love her... Internet Marketing For Newbies
October 25, 200619 yr I like it, especially the open ending. You should try making more poems, I think you're good at this. [http://woopidoo2.deviantart.com][Tip.it Moderator from Dec 10, 2006 to 03 Sep, 2008]
October 25, 200619 yr Sorry deloria, I don't like it. It's a bit too...simple? But I don't know, that's just me probably. Try making it a bit more descriptive? But meh I like the 'We've kissed, we've hugged' bit. I don't know what it is about that line it just works really well!
October 26, 200619 yr Author Thanks guy. It seems the more depressed I'm feeling, the more artistic I become. And I'm feeling really down right now. I'm going to write another tonight, so I'll post it when it's finished. (Sorry, got sick and couldn't write last night, tonight for sure :thumbsup: ) @Issy: Heh, it's simple because it's one of the first poems I've written (well, since 5th grade :P ) Internet Marketing For Newbies
October 26, 200619 yr I like it it was well written. If you write from experince it will be better than writing from non experince
October 26, 200619 yr I like it it was well written. If you write from experince it will be better than writing from non experince Definitely. But then, I suck at poetry too, so I probably don't have a clue. #-o
October 27, 200619 yr Author Added a new poem. I don't know that I personally like how it turned out.. Read the note above it for more info on it.. If you don't like suicidal poetry, you'll be happy to know my next poem is entitled 'Kisses In The Fall'. Should be much happier : EDIT: Added 'Kisses In The Fall'.. I don't mind staying up late (on a school night) to write poetry : Though it's midnight now.. So I'm going to bed. Let me know what you think of my newest poems. Also, if you don't like 'Worse Than Death', I'll understand. I might be the only one that actually means something to. :-$ Internet Marketing For Newbies
October 27, 200619 yr I like them, but the only thing i see that seems to be outta place is, how it sounds like you're just talkin' or just saying whats on your mind, theres more to poetry than that im sure. : hows the weather up there. where the rich people live. currently, in the poor area its -1.
October 28, 200619 yr Author My poems may seem like talking but it's always been hard for me to express my emotions and this is really helping me. In my poetry I try to express my emotions (as stated before) and relive past experiences. Internet Marketing For Newbies
October 28, 200619 yr The ending of your poems is what I relish the most "forever unloved..." Keep up the good work :thumbsup: By popular demand, this signature is back- however I currently do not have a blog up at the moment and if I did I wouldn't update it. Sorry, the sig links to nowhere :( .
October 30, 200619 yr Author Thanks mario! : *awaits lots of c/c* (PLEASE!) Internet Marketing For Newbies
November 4, 200619 yr Must... BUMP! By popular demand, this signature is back- however I currently do not have a blog up at the moment and if I did I wouldn't update it. Sorry, the sig links to nowhere :( .
Create an account or sign in to comment