Excerpts from Novel in progress - new one up

I'm posting this on another forum for advanced critique, but I thought I would post it here also for your (hopefully) viewing pleasure.

As I have hopes for this being published somewhere down the road, all names and situations copyright me. The other forum is private, but I trust you guys enough and it's a small enough excerpt that I think it will be okay.

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The door crashed open, and Riaeli was yanked into consciousness at the resulting bang and a sudden flood of light. She sat up sharply, her first groggy thought a wish for some kind of weapon. A figure was silhouetted in the doorway to her room, the light coming from the lantern behind it. She thought she heard a reproving voice, but the dark figure moved forward into the room heedless. His face was still in shadow, but she recognized the voice. You must come. Now. Something has happened.

Jonas? Riaeli squinted up at the man. Yes, it was Jonas; his face was wild, eyes bloodshot and intense, but it was Jonas. And behind him, still in the doorway, the fat innkeeper Dack held the lantern aloft, grimacing at her apologetically from beneath his woolen nightcap. Marc was with him, fully dressed and clutching that blue dragon egg, of all things. She nearly yelped. There were three men in her room, her in nothing but a disheveled shift with a lantern lighting her up like one of Madam Zaras displays. Clutching the blankets around her, she barked at them, All right, Im coming! Get out!

Jonas colored suitably, matching Riaelis blush, and retreated hastily. Dack had jumped at her shout and was stammering apologies with his back to the room. Marc gave her what she could have sworn was a concerned look before withdrawing. She glared at his back. Just because she had . . . ! Heat flooded her already burning face. She was blushing more deeply, if that were possible! Shut the door!

Once the door had snapped closed and cut off the flood of light from Dacks lantern, Riaeli was plunged into darkness again. It had to be hours until dawn, yet. She could see nothing; her night vision was gone with the lantern light. Grumbling to herself, eyes as wide as she could make them, she groped around in darkness trying to find clothes.

Of course, she was immediately blinded again upon entering the hall, decently clothed in a clean blouse and tunic. She wanted to snarl at Dack about that lantern, but it wouldnt do to be falling down the stairs. Especially not in front of the three men standing in a tight huddle outside her door. Marc was thumbing that shell again. When she raised an eyebrow at it, he hastily dropped it in a pouch at his belt. His sword belt, she saw. Whisper was buckled to his left hip, opposite the pouch. Something was certainly out of place. Dack was simply in a dither over having two of his patrons rousted out of bed in the middle of the night by a half-crazed, pale-haired man, but one look at Jonas spoke of trouble. He looked hunted. His eyes kept darting about, as though he expected to be set upon at any moment in the corridor on the second floor of a successful inn. That observation took on a new meaning when those eyes fell on her and he said, with the weight of a grave behind his words, It is worse.

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Yes, short as I said, and you might not understand what's happening as the scene comes around page 180 of the currrent draft. If people like it enough I may dig around for some more parts to post here. But for now, your thoughts?

I like it and would definitely buy the book. \

I like it, and well, I'd borrow the book... I'd need to read more to be certain.

Now that I think on it, I have an entire chapter that would do well on its own. I might do some revision and post that, or at least part of it. Maybe some of the prologue as well.

good luck with the editor and writing the rest of it...hope you get it published...

I am lucky...my Aunt is a writer so she suggested me to her editor....boo ya!

good luck with the editor and writing the rest of it...hope you get it published...

 

 

 

I am lucky...my Aunt is a writer so she suggested me to her editor....boo ya!

So thats where you gots ur skills from ;)

good luck with the editor and writing the rest of it...hope you get it published...

 

 

 

I am lucky...my Aunt is a writer so she suggested me to her editor....boo ya!

 

 

 

So thats where you gots ur skills from ;)

No I got my skills from reading too much...And writing a series of stories about Earwax monsters

Here's some more \

I think I may end up posting this entire chapter, who knows. It is a sort of side-story, important to the overall plot but I think readers will be able to read it without being too lost.

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A week out to sea and away from his shameful and humiliating defeat, Captain Seger was still in a foul mood. The surgeon had attended to his arm, setting and splinting it, but the splint got in the way and served only to worsen Segers mood. He strode about the deck, lashing out indiscriminately with his whip and bellowing at his crew whenever the chance presented itself. When he was tired, he would retire to his cabin for hours at a time to brood.

Faced with such treatment from their captain, the crew was becoming rather ill disposed toward him, but kept their mouths shut for fear of painful and perhaps fatal retribution. However, there were two crew members who were either much braver or much stupider than the rest, and their feelings had gone so far as to become dangerously mutinous.

Gumm was dutifully standing sentinel in the crows nest, reflecting sourly upon Segers irrational behavior and the collateral damage it was causing the crew. Anderson, the second mate who had been punished for eating from the captains personal stores the night his behavior took a turn for the worse, clambered up over the edge of the nest without warning, depositing himself next to Gumm.

Yed better get yerself back down there, Gumm said immediately, unless ye wanna go join the slaves on the oars. And thatd be a kind fate to ye.

[bleep] ye to be threatnin me? growled the second mate.

I aint, replied the lookout, but ye know wha the capn has been like, hed throw ye overboard without a second thought.

Aye, I agree, said Anderson, an I aint happy about it. Something happened tha night, when capn came back with is arm broke, an we left without Gilford. Gilford, e never did come back.

I been wonderin bout that, said Gumm. The capn wont say, an when Saunch asked im about it e whacked im across the face. Saunch, is first mate! Somethin appened that night, and capn aint tellin.

Gilfords probly dead, an we will be too if we dont get ourselves off this accursed ship pronto, said Anderson. He was talking in a rush, now, as though saying it all faster would make it any less dangerous to say. This ship aint safe while capn is capn.

Belay that kind o talk, said Gumm sharply. He was rather alarmed by the fervor that lit up the second mates face as he talked of mutiny. Thatll get ye killed, it will, an I dont wanna be goin with ye.

Anderson looked as though death would be a small price to pay for getting off the Guillotine and away from Seger. And Gumm couldnt help but think along the same lines, although he wasnt as dim-witted as Anderson. He knew that if he wanted to get off the Guillotine, he was going to have to make his own plans, quietly, and slip away when he got the chance. He was really beginning to wish Anderson would leave the crows nest; as long as the second mate was there with him, Gumm was in danger from the irascible Seger, who was not above taking his rage out on anyone else in the vicinity.

Look, all Im sayin is, we need to get away, an fast, said the second mate. The longer we stay ere, the more chances capn gets ter do us in.

An all Im sayin is, belay that kind o talk before I throw ye overboard meself! said Gumm, as loud as he dared.

Overboard, heh, the sea would treat me better than the capn, muttered Anderson. An if Im thrown overboard, at least Im away from this ship forever. A relief, thatd be.

Ye wont be sayin that once the capn has you stuck full o holes firs, Gumm muttered to himself. Still, I wont be saying no to a chance to get off this ship meself. Ill live longer tha way.

Oh you will, will you? said a voice from behind the two men, deathly quiet and dripping with malice. The men froze. Gumm heard the rasp of a rapier being drawn, and felt its point press into his back. Let me show you just how long youll live. Turn around.

Gumm did as he was told, terrified out of his wits. The wielder of the rapier turned with him, and the rapier jabbed into his back, forcing him to stumble forward. He reached the rail of the nest and turned back, preparing to climb down the rigging.

Oh, no, said Seger, who had come into view as Gumm turned. His face was alight with a maniacal gleam, and Gumm stared, transfixed, into the burning eyes of his captain. He knew what was coming, and dread held him fast. No, Seger repeated, why climb down? Its much faster to simply . . . jump.

And with that word, Seger jabbed with the rapier so sharply that he might have been aiming to stab his lookout. Gumm, reacting instinctively, reeled backwards and tipped, with a terrible scream, over the rail of the nest. He plummeted to the deck, screaming piteously for the entire duration of the fall, and landed with a final and sickening thud.

good luck with the editor and writing the rest of it...hope you get it published...

 

 

 

I am lucky...my Aunt is a writer so she suggested me to her editor....boo ya!

 

 

 

So thats where you gots ur skills from ;)

 

 

 

No I got my skills from reading too much...And writing a series of stories about Earwax monsters

Yep. Reading is the best way to develop your writing skills.

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I think you have a good chance of getting this published, from what I can tell.

Oh, if only publication was actually based on literary merit. Unfortunately, it is extremely difficult to be published no matter how good the work is, and a lot of it comes down to luck. JK Rowling was rejected by pretty much every publisher she tried. There are tons of masterpieces sitting in desk drawers that will never see publication. And there are tons of travesties that soil the name of literature out there. The authors just happened to get lucky.

Ratchet, you seem to be one of the lucky ones, but I would advise against rushing into it. Look what happened to Christopher Paolini. [No, not the money.]

 

Ratchet, you seem to be one of the lucky ones, but I would advise against rushing into it. Look what happened to Christopher Paolini. [No, not the money.]

What happened to him?

Isn't he the one who wrote Eragon and has like 3 more coming out? And am I lucky because I have lots of talent, or because my aunt is an author?

And I would also like to say, that Paolini got published because his parents were editors (or somethign like that) so his whole life revolved around writing.

Right now, I am asking Jagex if they would like to work with me on a new Runescape story. I am not asking for the profits from it, I just want to know that somebody likes the stuff I write enough that they would sell it.

Isn't he the one who wrote Eragon and has like 3 more coming out? And am I lucky because I have lots of talent, or because my aunt is an author?

 

 

 

And I would also like to say, that Paolini got published because his parents were editors (or somethign like that) so his whole life revolved around writing.

Lucky because you have connections, like Paolini. His parents own a publishing company and he self-published through them. By chance, an editor for Knopf picked it up, and boom, he's a star.

As far as what happened to him . . . he was published. Prematurely. This isn't the place for Eragon-bashing, but I have to say it's one of the aforementioned examples of bad literature.

Isn't he the one who wrote Eragon and has like 3 more coming out? And am I lucky because I have lots of talent, or because my aunt is an author?

 

 

 

And I would also like to say, that Paolini got published because his parents were editors (or somethign like that) so his whole life revolved around writing.

 

 

 

Lucky because you have connections, like Paolini. His parents own a publishing company and he self-published through them. By chance, an editor for Knopf picked it up, and boom, he's a star.

 

 

 

As far as what happened to him . . . he was published. Prematurely. This isn't the place for Eragon-bashing, but I have to say it's one of the aforementioned examples of bad literature.

Oh, let me say one thing about Eragon...

IT WAS SO CLICHED!!!

I thought it sucked, yet everyone ever has read it and liked it...Just like Harry Potter, I always thought they sucked and were stupid while everyone else on earth think they are the best books ever...

Eragon was great,compared to the movie.Was pretty okay when I read it without seeing the movie though.

Personally I'm having trouble getting my mind wrapped around "Okay,you're going to write your book." Like I don't mind writing Goffen Holy Wars,but I have yet to spend my whole day writing the book.

Yours...If I knew more I'd probably buy it.I don't think I would say that for mine,currently,though I am making good progress.(How are you pacing the plot?Mine seems to be coming out ever so quickly,it may be my style,but its hard...)

good luck with the editor and writing the rest of it...hope you get it published...

 

 

 

I am lucky...my Aunt is a writer so she suggested me to her editor....boo ya!

 

 

 

So thats where you gots ur skills from ;)

 

 

 

No I got my skills from reading too much...And writing a series of stories about Earwax monsters

Earwax Monsters?

Oh, and I'd read your book. Definately. Though if it was Sci-Fi I'd buy #-o

Yours...If I knew more I'd probably buy it.I don't think I would say that for mine,currently,though I am making good progress.(How are you pacing the plot?Mine seems to be coming out ever so quickly,it may be my style,but its hard...)

The plot has thickened considerably as I wrote it. There's action in the first 30 pages, momentous things, and by page 50 the young heroes are off. But now, I'm looking at 400 pages, easy, though with editing it may come out to be shorter.

If you have good characters and a good basic story, the characters will flesh out the story for you. I have about seven characters that I never originally planned (Jonas in the excerpt, for example), and with about half of them a new subplot has emerged to supplement the main one, along with new settings and events. Just go with the flow.

But for actual technical pacing, be careful not to linger overlong on unimportant stuff, or gloss over more relevant things. As long as we're talking about Eragon, don't spend 500 pages on the hero's training while the rest of the plot is held in suspended animation (as happened in Eldest.)

New excerpt, a continuation of the last one. Enjoy. Or hate. Critique. Whatever.

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The crew on the deck below froze, looking to the body in shock. Gradually they began to move toward it, a sick curiosity overriding their terrible fear of Seger, wanting to know who had just fallen to his death. Duties were forgotten as the pirates surrounded the body of their fallen comrade, and the Guillotine was left to its own nonexistent devices.

Seger watched it all with a mounting fury that drove all thought of the terrified man standing behind him from his head. He hastened to the edge of the crows nest and swung himself over, intending to climb down directly into their midst for a grand effect. Even from his new position, which gave him a clear view of the second mate standing petrified, Seger did not notice, and disappeared over the side of the nest to break up the group surrounding Gumms body and berate them for the dullards they were.

That night, after Gumms body had been tossed unceremoniously overboard, Anderson stood up to speak in the crews quarters, in the middle of the long, low-ceilinged cabin. Despite his incredibly fortunate escape from the wrath of his captain, the second mate was deeply shaken by his behavior. It was time to let the entire crew know of his feelings.

Youve all noticed our capn behavin strangely of late, an I believe somethin need ter be done about it before long.

I say ye shut up bout it lest the capn hear! yelled someone who was hidden in the crowd. There were mutterings of agreement, but Anderson continued on, his fear and conviction that he was right driving him.

A week ago, when we went ashore at that ole fishin town, Seger come back in a mighty rage an bade us set off without Gilford, he said, an the capn refuses to tell us anythin about what happened to im there. Hes been in a state ever since, an now Gumms been killed at his hands. Now, we

Who knows how Gumm fell, sneered Packar, all we know is that e fell out o the crows nest, an e werent the most agile person ye ever set eyes on.

It did not escape Anderson that Packar had chosen to ignore his statement about Gilford, but he bristled in response. I saw what appened, capn pushed the man straight over the edge!

So ye say! yelled the same anonymous pirate. But youve been inflamed against the capn ever since e caught ye eatin from is personal stock, so why should we believe yer ravings about the sanity of capn? There were hearty snickers at the remembrance.

The capn is mad, I tell yer! yelled Anderson. An we should do somethin about it before

Thats enough!

Saunch had stood up. All eyes shifted from Anderson to him; Saunch commanded much more respect than Anderson did, and not just because he was the most senior officer under Seger. The man towered over nearly everyone present, had shoulders like a bulls, and an intimidating mask of a face that seemed to be roughly hewn from stone. At odds with his impenetrably cold carving of a face, Saunchs eyes were alive and penetrating; deep black and at the moment as cold as his countenance. Are you telling us to mutiny? he asked, in a soft but dangerous voice. Because if you are, we will turn you over to the captain.

Anderson paled, the color draining from his face slower only than when he had been confronted by Seger in the crows nest. No, o-of course not, he stammered.

Good, said Saunch. Now, unless anyone else wants to mutiny, I bid you all good night.

Anderson remained standing, fists clenched and lips tight, while the other crew members turned away, still laughing among themselves. He could find no hilarity in the situation at all, and not only because he had just been humiliated. He remained in his rigid standing position until all of the crew had retired to their hammocks, then settled into his own, to brood and to plan.

You seem awfully happy to give a whole bunch of excerpts from your story...If I were you, I would give up on it for now, finish the story, and try to get it published before you start handing us a bunch a parts from your story...though my excerpt from my story I hope to get published will be coming soon...

You seem awfully happy to give a whole bunch of excerpts from your story...If I were you, I would give up on it for now, finish the story, and try to get it published before you start handing us a bunch a parts from your story...though my excerpt from my story I hope to get published will be coming soon...

I've posted a grand total of about four pages here. The thing is 202 pages long right now, and I'm not half finished yet. Ok, maybe about half. Regardless, it's not hurting anything, and peer review is good.

What I really need is feedback. I need other people to read it and tell me what I'm doing wrong, or tell me I'm awesome and inflate my ego (kidding.) I can't keep going on without C/C. I need to make sure I'm doing it right. Plus, every time I post a part here it gets a free editing job.

Besides, if I were to start something else to post here I would distract myself from this, which I really do want to finish.

tell me I'm awesome and inflate my ego (kidding.)

You are awsome, and I am inflating your ego right now because you said to do so. :lol:

Do I get a cookie?

Really, I don't think you will get much c/c. As far as I'm concerned you're the best author currently on TIF, or atleas the best that has posted in VL. You might get some stuff if I decide to really try to read in-depth, but just a regular read from me brings up no problems. Also, not knowing the entirety of the book, I can't say what needs fixing in terms of plot.

Actually, come to think of it, I'd say that the pirate talk seems awkward to me. I can't tell if you're trying to say "yee" or "y[schwa]" when you put "ye". I would be expecting "ya" if it were "y[schwa]". Only reason I'm confused is that "ye" naturally is prnounced as "yee" for me. That's one thing, I'll hopefully get back to you tomorrow on it.

"y[schwa]"

...

"y[schwa]"

...

I don't think I will ever stop laughing about that censor.

I totally agree that Nom is the best Author on TIF. Archimage comes close, but Nom takes the lead. You want a cookie?

Wtf. Y[schwa]. I don't even know what that's supposed to be censoring :lol: Unless that was intentional . . . in which case I have no freakin' clue what pronunciation you're after :P

You know what, I really don't need a cookie. Compliments like that are way beyond anything I expected. Still, I doubt no one will ever find problems with what I write, so I will contine to post here, along with the simple fact that I enjoy writing.

And do let me know when you figure out how to get around that censor =P

Well, some tip.it censoring is wierd, so its awsome.