jenova1692

Why would you post something up here for everyone to read if you already knew it had a ton of errors in it? I don't mean to be a complete [wagon], but that is stupid.

It has nothing to do with misunderstanding. It is a grammatical error. It is wrong and should be changed. I mean even with your explanation in mind, it just doesn't sound right (probably because it isn't). The dialogue afterward should list the speakers and have more description of the actions in it. That whole paragraph is just really bland and isn't good. Now that I took a closer look at this particular paragraph, I have come to the conclusion that your main problem is dialogue. You tend to just list the lines. First and foremost, you should almost always state the speaker. There are a few times when it is ok and even better to leave out that information, but only sometimes. Second, sometimes its a good idea to break up the dialogue with descriptions of the actions. You tend to keep all the dialogue together in large groups rather than breaking it apart.

But I won't Honestly though, most of them are very noticeable mistakes that anyone would catch if they read through it. It's his story, he can fix them himself. I merely pointed them out as a reason for my rating. As far as how he could improve... The first set of dialogue is confusing. State who is saying it, even if only "some random guys standing nearby". The sudden transition to dialogue is just to quick. Having dialogue with no description of who is saying it leaves the reader without anything to create a clear picture with. Also, in the line immediately before the first dialogue, "the tires making odd popping noises as it drew closer." Change "the" to "its". Be more descriptive with the characters. They all feel so bland and cliche, especially the "kind and caring" elderly. You suddenly change to the present tense. Big no no. "coming flooding" two -ing words in a row, ugh. Change coming to comes and the its to it. Then remove the "it all" from the previous clause. The sentence directly after that is a run-on. The last sentence in that paragraph is also a run-on. Commas are not the same as periods, so don't use them that way. If you would be more descriptive you wouldn't need to combine sentences together to make them seem longer. Take out the "last" before the "remains". It is just unnecessary and sounds awful. Again with the run-ons and incorrect punctuation in this paragraph. Believe it or not, punctuation and sentence structure is very important. In the next paragraph, you make it seem like Norrington is walking through the crowd alone, then she says "this is brian". Where the hell did he come from? You should probably also describe Brian a little better. Most importantly, check your punctuation and sentence structure. Then add much more description. The story is great, it just lacks description.

Storyline and the writing is very good for the most part. A few grammatical errors. If you were to go back and edit this, it could become much better with very little effort. 7/10

All I can really say is that your sentence structure is horrible. A couple of the sentences run-ons. Too many commas. They aren't all necessary. Most of it is just too choppy. Try expanding your sentences with more detail. The way you wrote it, I almost thought I was reading a poem. You start too many sentences and clauses with she. Try to find different words or state her actions in less direct ways.

Alot of the sentences are too choppy. I don't really know what to say other than it just doesn't flow right. Like mr_dude said, there is too much dialogue compared to description. The story also just seems to cliche. I mean really, cyborg horses? Another thing to consider is to widen your vocabulary and word usage. I noticed almost every other line starting with Zach. "zach did this" seems to sum up most of them. Try to find other words to use instead of just his name. And don't necessarily be so direct with what happened. Rather than say directly what he did, make it indirect. For example, you say "the server smiled". Instead you could say something like "A wide smile appeared on the servers face" or "The server curled her drew her lips back into a smile". Now, these examples could definitely be improved with much more descriptive detail, but they basically show what I am trying to say.

Have you ever tried to start a wood fire without matches or some sort of flammable liquid? It's more difficult than it looks. I would say it takes more skill than cooking a fish or mining a rock. My only problem with the game, and several people have already said this, is that some of the newer updates just seem so stupid. The penguin quests for example. Too many aspects of the game are just too "cute" for my taste.

Lol, that actually does look somewhat realistic. I know its fake though. That could be an interesting skill if it were real, though I doubt Jagex would do a good job....

Who doesn't make them ok in the real world? socialists. Thats what it is. Socialism. The government controls the markets. Whats so shady about them charging $6 a gallon for gas? Its not like anyone would buy it if theres one across the street selling for $4 a gallon.

No, they are still making that much money, cause the junk is not worth nearly as much as it supposedly is. Now perhaps they don't make the full price (50mil) because they had to do something to get all that junk, but the time and resources they used to get it are not worth nearly as much as the junk is (47mil). Now I know this method seems kind of stupid, and it is, but its closer to a free market than the GE is. Yes its only a game, but like I said before, the fact that the economy used to be based on the player and free trade is what made it so great. While it may not be legally my item, within the game it does belong to my character. you like socialism don't you?

Why not? Who are you to decide how much of something someone needs to buy? I don't think many of you people understand economics at all. And you clearly want socialistic trade. The one thing I used to like about Runescape was the fact that the entire economy was driven by the players. Jagex did not tell players what to sell their expensive items for. Yes, it may seem like price gouging to raise the price of an item, but who owns the item? The one selling it of course. Who are you to tell him he has to part with it for a certain price when he wants more? Since it is his, he should get to decide how much he sells it for. Now however, that whole idea has gone out the window because of Jagex, and when some players try to rebel all the commies cry and whine that they can't afford it anymore. These are the same people who whine at the government when their welfare checks wont let them buy a mansion.

definitely gonna write today. Meant to make the next chapter last night, but I did alot of editing instead. Since I got two more days off from school and no homework, I'll have time to put something up. EDIT: okay next chapter is up, though It'll definitely be edited later. And I'm thinking of Combining some of the chapters together.

Only read the first chapter so far, but its amazing. Feel like I'm reading a published novel. Maybe later I'll read the second chapter later.

not true. In 10,000 years we will be very different. Probably unrecognizable besides physical appearances. That is, assuming that we last another 10,000 years.

Bump again, gonna make large edits and hopefully get the next chapter up tonight. EDIT: perhaps just edits, major ones at that. Was I really that bad at writing 2( or maybe 3) years ago? High School English helps alot. Also, I know its been like 2 years, but I figured I'd respond to your comment. Heres the original posting of this story: http://forum.tip.it/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=436517 As you can see, you read this and even replied to it. Then a while later I edited it and posted a new topic (this one). Now, 2 years later, maybe I can get more done. Already finished doing quite a bit of editing, especially with the prolouge.

welcome back [bleep] you. :shame: you should be more welcoming.

no i didnt misquote you, i quoted exactly what you said, and I don't feel like wasting my time putting up all that other stuff cause its right there if anyone needs to see it. You claimed his post had geek written all over it because he bragged about playing so many mmo's. At least thats what I took it to mean. If thats not how you intended it then you should redo your post.

It doesn't? since when? Really guys...sometimes you just gotta admit to yourself. You're a nerd and nothing you can do will change it. So instead of making stupid threads about how playing video games doesn't make you a nerd and complaining about what people think, go have fun playing the game. and you play runescape. If you have a problem with "geeks" your in the wrong forums.

Honestly, I don't think it matters if its in the rules or not, Jagex will most likely ban if they catch you, so it can safely be deemed "illegal". But I also don't think that should stop you. If it doesn't hurt your conciense any, then keep on doing it. Unless of course your afraid for your character. And what purpose would locking this serve? It is not hurting anybody to allow others to continue posting their opinions on the matter.

If it was against the rules would it stop you from doing it?

yes you can still hit a 0... why would they take that out?

its funny because its 9/11 You find 9/11 funny? I do in this particular context.

What he said. =D> And besides...no one has yet to give me a reasonable answer as to what is wrong with paganism.

Well according to my religion youll be going someplace really cold...so yeah. Enjoy that.

says the people who created it. Why? I don't really need help with anything at the moment.