fellupahill Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 please give me comments, adivce on what i should do. on a early tuesday morning on september,11, 2001 a tragity occured. i was still asleep when it happened. I woke up as usual, took a shower, got dressed, and ate brekfast. on my way to school was when i first heard what had happened. i didnt really care about it, cause it was on the radio and i didnt think it was a big deal. when i arrived at school everybody was talking about the rumors. every story i heard was different, some say new york blew up, others say bush was dead, i even heard that space ships collided in to the twin towers. only being in 7th grade i had no idea what the twin towers were. school finally started, our teacher said we wouldnt be learning today, instead we were going to watch the news. there i saw it, an airplane crashed into a huge skyscraper. over and over agian it kept replaying that seen. every once and a while they would say new video has just came in. I couldnt keep my eyes off the screen. Watching all those people running for their lives, screaming. It felt like i was there, with all those people crying. i could feel the pain they were going through. after 1st peroid was over. all the rumors were turning into facts. i could see my whole school getting into it. i couldnt belive how many kids were interested in watching the news, and wat was going on with our country. by 2nd peroid, the teacher didnt care to teach. all she wanted to do was watch the news. that was the first, and only day i have ever seen the whole class come to class early. we found out that another plane has crashed into the other tower. the news ancors were saying it was a terroist act. by then class was over. outside in the halls all the girls were crying, all the boys would walk around with their had down not saying a word. that was the quietest i have ever heard the halls. every single peroid went the same. we would watch the news, find out new facts, then tell our friends what we found out. during the last peroid, we found out Osama Bin Laden was behind everything. and of course me only being in 7th grade had no idea who he was. after school, everybody was talking about how they want to go to war and kill him. in a sence i wanted to also. I had so much hate, so much anger. I wanted him to pay for what he did! I had to calm myself down and think about it. "i cant believe i just stood up for my country for what i believe in." ever since that tragic moment, i have been watching the news and getting up to date on whats going on around us. i have been getting into politics more. In the electon of '08 you will see me in that voteing booth. september 11th has infulenced me to be aware of how much my freedom really means. how many people have died so that i can go out every night and hang out with friends, go to the movies, or even staying at home watching tv with my family. I will always be here for my country when it needs me, and i will never forget, that day the world stoped turnin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 First of all. Sort out the spelling (use Word's spell checker) Next break the block of text into paragraphs (makes it much easier to read) Also be sure to use capital letters at the start of sentences. Lastly get a couple of people (like your parents) to proof read it so they can fix the mistakes in it and give suggestions on content. There's quite a lot of mistakes in it at the moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocketman089 Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 Okay, I'll dig up examples in a few minutes, but first, let me give some things you should pay attention too (actually, examples aren't necessary, they're everywhere). First: Capitalize your letters! Almost every scentence there starts with a lower case letter, not a good idea. Second: Your scentence fluency is lacking horribly, just look at this group of scentences: we found out that another plane has crashed into the other tower. the news ancors were saying it was a terroist act. by then class was over. Fix that up with some commas, try to make it flow, it should feel natural when you read it. Also, try paragraphing your essay. It's all one paragraph, which is very hard to follow and a frustrating read. Third: spell check... please! It's obvious you can't spell that well on your own (I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, that they were type-o's), so the least you can do is run the essay through a spell check. Though, I must give a word of caution: Spell Checks are pretty primitive, and don't correct words that are technically spelled right, but should be spelled differently (There, They're, Their for example). Fourth: hope that this boarding school has low standards. Gamertag: King Arizona Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fellupahill Posted July 25, 2005 Author Share Posted July 25, 2005 whoops forgot to tell you guys, i did all this in notepad, i sent it to my dad, hes going to spell check it and put it in paragraphs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
krunkthemonk Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 whoops forgot to tell you guys, i did all this in notepad, i sent it to my dad, hes going to spell check it and put it in paragraphs If its to get into boarding school then you should make it a formal essay I'd assume. This is more of a story then an essay I thought. If it was an essay I'd expect you to have a thesis (most likely in your intro), 3 proofs and a conclusion. I'm sorry if you find this offending but it's constructive critisism. You never said what your essay had to be about. If it was me, I'd assume that it would be like a resum̮̩̉̉ and say why they should take you in. Perhaps if you say more about what your essay has to be about it would be much easier to grade your essay if you proveded a rubric or guidelines. The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fellupahill Posted July 25, 2005 Author Share Posted July 25, 2005 whoops forgot to tell you guys, i did all this in notepad, i sent it to my dad, hes going to spell check it and put it in paragraphs If its to get into boarding school then you should make it a formal essay I'd assume. This is more of a story then an essay I thought. If it was an essay I'd expect you to have a thesis (most likely in your intro), 3 proofs and a conclusion. I'm sorry if you find this offending but it's constructive critisism. You never said what your essay had to be about. If it was me, I'd assume that it would be like a resum̮̩̉̉ and say why they should take you in. Perhaps if you say more about what your essay has to be about it would be much easier to grade your essay if you proveded a rubric or guidelines. what it has to be on, describe a person,place, or event which has influenced your life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest GhostRanger Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 whoops forgot to tell you guys, i did all this in notepad, i sent it to my dad, hes going to spell check it and put it in paragraphs If its to get into boarding school then you should make it a formal essay I'd assume. This is more of a story then an essay I thought. If it was an essay I'd expect you to have a thesis (most likely in your intro), 3 proofs and a conclusion. I'm sorry if you find this offending but it's constructive critisism. You never said what your essay had to be about. If it was me, I'd assume that it would be like a resum̮̩̉̉ and say why they should take you in. Perhaps if you say more about what your essay has to be about it would be much easier to grade your essay if you proveded a rubric or guidelines. Intro, 3 proofs, and a conclusion is a very elementary style of a formal essay. That structure is only used to teach people hwo to support a thesis in an organized paper and should in no way be considered for an absolutel structure of an essay. :? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lionheart_0 Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 whoops forgot to tell you guys, i did all this in notepad, i sent it to my dad, hes going to spell check it and put it in paragraphs If its to get into boarding school then you should make it a formal essay I'd assume. This is more of a story then an essay I thought. If it was an essay I'd expect you to have a thesis (most likely in your intro), 3 proofs and a conclusion. I'm sorry if you find this offending but it's constructive critisism. You never said what your essay had to be about. If it was me, I'd assume that it would be like a resum̮̩̉̉ and say why they should take you in. Perhaps if you say more about what your essay has to be about it would be much easier to grade your essay if you proveded a rubric or guidelines. what it has to be on, describe a person,place, or event which has influenced your life Well... Either way this sounds like a story. I think this is how it should go. Correct me if im wrong, but this was how i was taught how to make an essay. -Your topic paragraph (here you could describe what you are to talk about, and say stuff that leads up to how it influenced your life) -3 paragraphes that follow this flow .Topic sentence (one of the ways it influenced your life, 3 times) .Point (saying part of the thing it influenced) .Proof (say what the actule event was) .Explanation(Say the thing that explains how your proof is relivant to your point) .Conclusion (just your topic sentence, but preatty much backwards) (You must have atleast 3 sets of point, proof, expanation, in each of the paragraphes) -Concluding paragraph (preatty much summing up all of your 3 body paragraphes. Thats how i was tought, and i gave you examples of what you can put into the point proof and explantation. And trust me, essays are not easy. At the start of the year (grd9) it took me 1.5 weeks in class to creat one of those body paragraphes. By the end, i could make a whole essay in that time. Sig by IkuraiYour Guide to Posting! Behave or I will send my Moose mounted Beaver launchers at you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
krunkthemonk Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 whoops forgot to tell you guys, i did all this in notepad, i sent it to my dad, hes going to spell check it and put it in paragraphs If its to get into boarding school then you should make it a formal essay I'd assume. This is more of a story then an essay I thought. If it was an essay I'd expect you to have a thesis (most likely in your intro), 3 proofs and a conclusion. I'm sorry if you find this offending but it's constructive critisism. You never said what your essay had to be about. If it was me, I'd assume that it would be like a resum̮̩̉̉ and say why they should take you in. Perhaps if you say more about what your essay has to be about it would be much easier to grade your essay if you proveded a rubric or guidelines. Intro, 3 proofs, and a conclusion is a very elementary style of a formal essay. That structure is only used to teach people hwo to support a thesis in an organized paper and should in no way be considered for an absolutel structure of an essay. :? This isn't an Ivy league college he's trying to get into so I don't really expect his standards of writing to be very high. But he should consider revising his essay in a form more suitable to what he's trying to acheive with it. To get into a You could try searching google or heading to your local bookstore on more information about essay's. My teacher last semester showed me a great book on essay's. How to write them properly, different styles and formats etc. It came in very handy for the 3 essay's on my final english exam last year. The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest GhostRanger Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 whoops forgot to tell you guys, i did all this in notepad, i sent it to my dad, hes going to spell check it and put it in paragraphs If its to get into boarding school then you should make it a formal essay I'd assume. This is more of a story then an essay I thought. If it was an essay I'd expect you to have a thesis (most likely in your intro), 3 proofs and a conclusion. I'm sorry if you find this offending but it's constructive critisism. You never said what your essay had to be about. If it was me, I'd assume that it would be like a resum̮̩̉̉ and say why they should take you in. Perhaps if you say more about what your essay has to be about it would be much easier to grade your essay if you proveded a rubric or guidelines. Intro, 3 proofs, and a conclusion is a very elementary style of a formal essay. That structure is only used to teach people hwo to support a thesis in an organized paper and should in no way be considered for an absolutel structure of an essay. :? This isn't an Ivy league college he's trying to get into so I don't really expect his standards of writing to be very high. But he should consider revising his essay in a form more suitable to what he's trying to acheive with it. To get into a You could try searching google or heading to your local bookstore on more information about essay's. My teacher last semester showed me a great book on essay's. How to write them properly, different styles and formats etc. It came in very handy for the 3 essay's on my final english exam last year. Ivy League? I'm going to be a senior in high school...and this advice is coming from...me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
krunkthemonk Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 whoops forgot to tell you guys, i did all this in notepad, i sent it to my dad, hes going to spell check it and put it in paragraphs If its to get into boarding school then you should make it a formal essay I'd assume. This is more of a story then an essay I thought. If it was an essay I'd expect you to have a thesis (most likely in your intro), 3 proofs and a conclusion. I'm sorry if you find this offending but it's constructive critisism. You never said what your essay had to be about. If it was me, I'd assume that it would be like a resum̮̩̉̉ and say why they should take you in. Perhaps if you say more about what your essay has to be about it would be much easier to grade your essay if you proveded a rubric or guidelines. Intro, 3 proofs, and a conclusion is a very elementary style of a formal essay. That structure is only used to teach people hwo to support a thesis in an organized paper and should in no way be considered for an absolutel structure of an essay. :? This isn't an Ivy league college he's trying to get into so I don't really expect his standards of writing to be very high. But he should consider revising his essay in a form more suitable to what he's trying to acheive with it. To get into a You could try searching google or heading to your local bookstore on more information about essay's. My teacher last semester showed me a great book on essay's. How to write them properly, different styles and formats etc. It came in very handy for the 3 essay's on my final english exam last year. Ivy League? I'm going to be a senior in high school...and this advice is coming from...me. Sorry if you misinterpreted what I was trying to say. There was sarcasm involved. I just stated the basic fundamentals of what his essay should consist of, not what all essay's only have. Again, I'm sorry. The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest GhostRanger Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 whoops forgot to tell you guys, i did all this in notepad, i sent it to my dad, hes going to spell check it and put it in paragraphs If its to get into boarding school then you should make it a formal essay I'd assume. This is more of a story then an essay I thought. If it was an essay I'd expect you to have a thesis (most likely in your intro), 3 proofs and a conclusion. I'm sorry if you find this offending but it's constructive critisism. You never said what your essay had to be about. If it was me, I'd assume that it would be like a resum̮̩̉̉ and say why they should take you in. Perhaps if you say more about what your essay has to be about it would be much easier to grade your essay if you proveded a rubric or guidelines. Intro, 3 proofs, and a conclusion is a very elementary style of a formal essay. That structure is only used to teach people hwo to support a thesis in an organized paper and should in no way be considered for an absolutel structure of an essay. :? This isn't an Ivy league college he's trying to get into so I don't really expect his standards of writing to be very high. But he should consider revising his essay in a form more suitable to what he's trying to acheive with it. To get into a You could try searching google or heading to your local bookstore on more information about essay's. My teacher last semester showed me a great book on essay's. How to write them properly, different styles and formats etc. It came in very handy for the 3 essay's on my final english exam last year. Ivy League? I'm going to be a senior in high school...and this advice is coming from...me. Sorry if you misinterpreted what I was trying to say. There was sarcasm involved. I just stated the basic fundamentals of what his essay should consist of, not what all essay's only have. Again, I'm sorry. I understood the sarcasm thank you. In fact, I understood your use of the rhetorical of device satire so well, that I also noted that you used the literay element of hyperbole to qualify the satire. I of course pointed out the exageration because my advice was in no way a reflection of high writing standards, fellup I believe is my age, and so to think that my advice was anything worthy of exagerrating to "Ivy League" is absolutely ridiculous. You also didn't just "state basic fundementals," you said you "expected" an intro, 3 proofs, and a conclusions. And so I just "stated' that your idea of a formal essay is elementary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
assassin_696 Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Maybe try elaborating on how the actual events changed your life and got you more aware of the world around you. At the moment you seem to do a lot of describing what happened, but only really get round to making any statements about how it has influenced your life in the conclusion. Expanding more on that would make it more interesting and relevant. Of course there are the other general points about capital letters, punctuation and paragraphs, which make it much more readable. Off topic: Notice how everyone's spelling and grammar in this topic is really good? For fear of being picked out as a hypocrit? :P "Da mihi castitatem et continentam, sed noli modo" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mercifull Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Bulk it up to 1k. A 500 word essay is really scraping the barrel. You need to fill it with more details, explanations and opinions. Its far too short right now. There an endless amound of stuff you can put in an essay on this subject yet you have only tapped into a tiny amount of it. SPAG too..... Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar. Very important. Mercifull <3 Suzi "We don't want players to be able to buy their way to success in RuneScape. If we let players start doing this, it devalues RuneScape for others. We feel your status in real-life shouldn't affect your ability to be successful in RuneScape" Jagex 01/04/01 - 02/03/12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lionheart_0 Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Bulk it up to 1k. A 500 word essay is really scraping the barrel. You need to fill it with more details, explanations and opinions. Its far too short right now. There an endless amound of stuff you can put in an essay on this subject yet you have only tapped into a tiny amount of it. SPAG too..... Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar. Very important. :shock: *clutches heart and falls over*. Cant really expect the kid to get 1k, really? LOL When i did my essay this year, i managed to only get like 500 words (then again, there wasnt a word limit). Sig by IkuraiYour Guide to Posting! Behave or I will send my Moose mounted Beaver launchers at you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Bulk it up to 1k. A 500 word essay is really scraping the barrel. You need to fill it with more details, explanations and opinions. Its far too short right now. There an endless amound of stuff you can put in an essay on this subject yet you have only tapped into a tiny amount of it. SPAG too..... Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar. Very important. :shock: *clutches heart and falls over*. Cant really expect the kid to get 1k, really? LOL When i did my essay this year, i managed to only get like 500 words (then again, there wasnt a word limit). I wish I had went to your school... We were at 600+ in our first year of highschool and it went up to 1200+ after the first year. Kinda died down up till 5th year where it was still around 1500+ words. Sometimes we got our limits in pages, like we'd get set 2 A4 pages. For me it was a nightmare as I used a computer to type them up, I could write 3 times as much for an essay of the same physical size as another kid in my class. :( Notoriously Trollish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lionheart_0 Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 :) Ya they are kinda lax on english, even though we have to take it 4 of 4 years. But it does get harder, and is harder then most people can handle. (examples, most of my class got 67[academic]). But here, for math, they really push us to do good (and we have to take it 3 of 4 years). Sig by IkuraiYour Guide to Posting! Behave or I will send my Moose mounted Beaver launchers at you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Witty-Fool Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Off topic: Notice how everyone's spelling and grammar in this topic is really good? For fear of being picked out as a hypocrit :P Oh, the irony... ~witty-fool Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ItsClueless Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 hi i spel gewd u wan cooki? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
assassin_696 Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Off topic: Notice how everyone's spelling and grammar in this topic is really good? For fear of being picked out as a hypocrit :P Oh, the irony... ~witty-fool :P I wondered if someone would notice. "Da mihi castitatem et continentam, sed noli modo" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
____ Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 :shock: *clutches heart and falls over*. Cant really expect the kid to get 1k, really? LOL When i did my essay this year, i managed to only get like 500 words (then again, there wasnt a word limit). I've been doing 800+ word essays from 98. Most of my essays are 3K words or more and are a pushover now. / stuff on essay / Yeah that was pretty much it for me aswell. Although I was taught that it was more like: Opening paragraph This outlines the topic and your stance on said topic. Unlike the other paragraphs within an essay this is usually the only one which does not use the last sentence to 'give hints' to the next. Argument 1 Fairly straight forward, first paragraph in a string of n which you will use to give strength to your topic. The important thing to remember is that you do NOT put proof within this paragraph. Post your opinion only. Proof 1 This is where you put quotes, statististics and whatever else you might need to backup the previous paragraph. It is critical that you cite anything which isn't your own work. Sometimes you can chain these paragraphs together under one main issue broken into smaller sections, eg: Technology is good for society... past uses of technology... few quotes from various people along the years... Some more of your own work relating to the quotes above... Further proof... And remember that EVERY paragraph should relate in some way back to the topic you are writing about. Argument n Next argument in the essay Proof n The proof for the previous argument. Conclusion The summary of your entire essay. Usually it will only contain key points but still gets the overall message of the entire essay across. And don't forget that this is a recap of the essay, so NEVER put new content in here. If you find yourself with new content, create a new paragraph and proof for it if it is required. Overall that is how I've learnt to write them. Essay which are on a personal level are slightly different since you can get away with using personal opinions more and using "I" a lot more often since you and your experience is the topic being written about. And just for the record, the average paragraph should be around 200 words. So a standard essay with two supporting arguments should be about 1000-1200 words. They aren't hard to write PROVIDED that you have your content organised in a manner which flows smoothly. And then there is the usual rules for paragraphs which IMO you can disregard except for the topic sentence(s). Another thing to remember is to NOT beat around the bush. If you find yourself using 'padding' (using 4 words instead of 1) then go out and find more content or think about the issue more. Intro, 3 proofs, and a conclusion is a very elementary style of a formal essay. That structure is only used to teach people hwo to support a thesis in an organized paper and should in no way be considered for an absolutel structure of an essay. It also teaches them wrong. People should be taught that the proof should not be interlaced with your own writing on the issue. --- I think that is all. Edit: hi i spel gewd u wan cooki? :roll: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now