My friend wrote this, but since he's not a part of Tip.It, I'm posting it for him. He says he wanted some c/c on it, so I thought to post it here for him. I personally thought it was VERY good. It is a bit horrific, but it's worth reading. No, he's not emo..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Months of planning, days of preparation

 

 

 

The party decorated as if for a king

 

 

 

Hopes of a splenders fill innocent minds

 

 

 

The guest of honor worries about every detail

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One bye one the guest arrive bearing faces full of joy

 

 

 

None hide themselves

 

 

 

All are merry

 

 

 

The night starts like this as if it were perfect

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Many spend the night chasing new lovers

 

 

 

Others try to avoid their last

 

 

 

The new sixteen year old lets lose after a long day of anticipation

 

 

 

She knows not of the fate set for her

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The many lovers carefully wait their chance to dance with their idolized image

 

 

 

Overprotective of their prize,

 

 

 

Each hug, every dance, every look spreads jealousy to there competitors

 

 

 

He watches them stab their hearts again and again and laughs

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seeing greed, envy, and lust embedded in his peers

 

 

 

Determined to see their sin die

 

 

 

Longing to repent for his own

 

 

 

He anxiously seeks his moment

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A night of celebration proceeds accordingly

 

 

 

Soon itÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s time for the main event

 

 

 

The cake is brought out

 

 

 

Delicately the sugary concoction is placed in front of the birthday girl

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All eye the cake then the girl

 

 

 

The candles are lit

 

 

 

Song soon emanates from the guests

 

 

 

Now was his chance

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He took out his revolver from his coat pocket

 

 

 

Carefully placing the end at the back of her head

 

 

 

She feels the cold steel tap her head

 

 

 

Then she falls limp

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blood is splattered on the once delouses cake

 

 

 

The guests have yet to realize what has happened

 

 

 

Two more bullets fire

 

 

 

Two more are dead

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Instinct takes hold

 

 

 

They begin to run

 

 

 

Others try to hide

 

 

 

But itÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s to late

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two more are dead

 

 

 

A hero emerges to stop the onslaught

 

 

 

But his actions are all for naught

 

 

 

Their was nothing left for him to do

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The gun was pointed

 

 

 

His target known

 

 

 

Into his own head

 

 

 

The bullet was meant to go

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Six bodies lay limp on the floor

 

 

 

The birthday girl left with the smile still on her face

 

 

 

The hero with only images of death and helplessness

 

 

 

The last words of the killer left in his head

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have a nice life

 

 

 

This is also on TokyoPop.

oh mah gawd

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

kinda disturbing :shock:

oh mah gawd

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

kinda disturbing :shock:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

+1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was good, but, well, disturbing. I liked it, even though I won't sleep tonight...

I really really don't like it. Its' got little flow, seems to have been thrown together with no regard for rhyme or rhythm, I didn't find it scary at all, and there's at least one mistake in there. Overall, as a poem, it just didn't work for me. Also alot of the later lines are very explicit.

Do poems truely need rhyme? Can a poem just be a story? I think so. I don't believe a poem needs a formal rhythem or rhyme pattern. It's the message that's important.

It was a quite good, but the writer should remember to check for any grammar or spelling mistakes. Writing mistakes can make a story rather difficult to read, as it distracts the readers attention. I also found it didn't have much rhythm, and it didn't really feel like a poem to me. It would have been better off written as a story.

Do poems truely need rhyme? Can a poem just be a story? I think so. I don't believe a poem needs a formal rhythem or rhyme pattern. It's the message that's important.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The message isn't the only thing. I certainly agree that many poems don't need rhyme or rhythm, but in this case it just sounds unprofessional.

I really really don't like it. Its' got little flow, seems to have been thrown together with no regard for rhyme or rhythm, I didn't find it scary at all, and there's at least one mistake in there. Overall, as a poem, it just didn't work for me. Also alot of the later lines are very explicit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I usually don't like to say bad things about others poetry but to be honest I'm going to have to agree with Issy on this one...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I also didn't quite get the point being made? It didn't impact me like I'm sure the writer intended it to...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do poems truely need rhyme? Can a poem just be a story? I think so. I don't believe a poem needs a formal rhythem or rhyme pattern. It's the message that's important.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A poem is defined as and I quote

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. the art of rhythmical composition, written or spoken, for exciting pleasure by beautiful, imaginative, or elevated thoughts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. literary work in metrical form; verse.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

therefore what I would consider what your friend wrote to be along the lines of Prose* with a dramatic flare. He might as well of written it as a story,rather than breaking up the sentences and calling it a poem...atleast it would of made more sense that way...No offense...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thats just my two cents worth...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* Prose is the ordinary form of spoken or written language, without metrical structure, as distinguished from poetry or verse.

I really liked that poem.. Maybe the death metal I'm listening to helped bring a better picture into my head, but I really enjoyed reading this.

I really really don't like it. Its' got little flow, seems to have been thrown together with no regard for rhyme or rhythm, I didn't find it scary at all, and there's at least one mistake in there. Overall, as a poem, it just didn't work for me. Also alot of the later lines are very explicit.

 

 

 

/agree

 

 

 

Its more distrubing than anything else, Ambitious though.

I liked it, dont know why, just liked

 

 

 

The message isn't the only thing. I certainly agree that many poems don't need rhyme or rhythm, but in this case it just sounds unprofessional.

 

 

 

Just look at the crow by E.A Poe, It's one of the best terror poems, and it doesnt have rhyme.