Views on this verse I wrote?[RAP]

[i123i]

Possible offensive material to some....

 

 

 

300 men strong divided by a hundred like sparta we'll spark an idea you never thought of

 

The white hip hop movement down here in the south speaks Chaos without any movement from my mouth

 

You're losing ground with every sound spoke grants to pay for all ya future albums are bein revoked

 

Real talk son all eyes on ya mother how ya swam from her mouth to down under still ain't been discovered

 

Possibly a ransom for a handsome lump of cash from the father incase the bastard tried to move farther

 

away I don't blame him ladies these days all wanna maim us men to get paid from sexual foreplay to cover rent

 

Lower ya defenses overcome by a motive that's senseless who know's what diseases lurk in the unexpected

 

Are you wrenchin ya hands at my words anger from deep down I've disturbed but don't hate me for exposin your worth

[Abelmisi]

It's hard to rate without the music... :? It doesn't even rhyme most of the time. Some stuff there just kind of doesn't make sense either.

 

 

 

Put in a background music, rap the lyrics up, put in youtube and show us then.

[i123i]

SIGH some people don't understand metaphors but it needs a lil background info...I'll even caps the rhymes since you can't figure it out when it's piss easy

 

 

 

300 men strong DIVIDED by a hundred like SPARTA we'll SPARK an IDEA you NEVER THOUGHT OF

 

The white hip hop movement DOWN HERE IN THE SOUTH speaks Chaos without any movement FROM MY MOUTH

 

You're losing GROUND with every SOUND SPOKE grants to pay for all ya future ALBUMS are bein REVOKED

 

Real TALK son all eyes on ya MOTHER how ya SWAM from HER MOUTH to DOWN UNDER still ain't been DISCOVERED

 

Possibly a RANSOM for a HANDSOME LUMP of CASH from the FATHER incase the BASTARD tried to move FARTHER

 

AWAY I don't BLAME HIM LADIES THESE DAYS all wanna MAIN US MEN to get PAID from sexual FOREPLAY to cover RENT

 

Lower ya DEFENSES overcome by a MOTIVE that's SENSELESS who know's what diseases LURK in the UNEXPECTED

 

Are you WRENCHIN ya HANDS AT MY WORDS ANGER FROM DEEP DOWN I'VE DISTURBED but don't hate ME for EXPOSIN your WORTH

 

 

 

 

 

Now for the explanation I sent to my friend on myspace:

 

 

 

The first line is me, Max, and our other friend who's rappin, comparin us 300 and sparta and I never saw the movie but wasn't them 300 vs a hoard of like 10k? It's like saying, we're lyrical and we're fightin against all these gangsta rappers and we haven't the slimmest chance of winning, oddly I never had that intent of the line til now lol.

 

 

 

Second line is self explanitory but it plays off my name Big C, AKA Big Chaos, if you asked any hardcore street cat if a southern white kid would make it in a music scene like hip hop they'd laugh in your face :/ and I'm sayin our movement will cause chaos just by the fact we're white, from the south and rap how we do

 

 

 

Third line, sayin we're breakin down the barrier with every rhyme we make and basically it means their label is losin faith and would rather not put out money for their album but focus on us

 

 

 

Fourth line kicks in with the diss, basically meaning your hooker of a mom should've swallowed your....existence(making it tip it friendly) instead of creating you, to put it in a blunt perspective(that was an explanation, not talkin bout you lol :/)

 

 

 

Fifth line, talkin bout how women cheat most men out of cash by making babies, like you know how the fathers always run off when the kid comes in and some women go to the length of gettin the cash they need for the kid rather then being [bleep]ed over

 

 

 

Sixth line, I can say I don't blame the guy who ran cuz of the above reasons but the seventh line is sayin you're an idiot for even not wearin protection(thus diseases and babies are created)...but this is in a diss format, makin it all seem bad to whoever I would be dissin, hope you understand that :P

 

 

 

Last line is what makes the other lines the diss, or make it apparent that it was a diss cuz you're supposed to be pissed that I said that about you and people deny [cabbage] like that and say their step dad is their real father and their hooker mom is cool and not a hooker but if you react all pissed off you prove the point of exposing your worth....worthless

 

 

 

HOPEFULLY that all made sense as it's late and you might not be understanding things fully, I know I'm not right now cause my body feels like it's drunk from my low blood sugar lol

[Abelmisi]

[hide]

SIGH some people don't understand metaphors but it needs a lil background info...I'll even caps the rhymes since you can't figure it out when it's piss easy

 

 

 

300 men strong DIVIDED by a hundred like SPARTA we'll SPARK an IDEA you NEVER THOUGHT OF

 

The white hip hop movement DOWN HERE IN THE SOUTH speaks Chaos without any movement FROM MY MOUTH

 

You're losing GROUND with every SOUND SPOKE grants to pay for all ya future ALBUMS are bein REVOKED

 

Real TALK son all eyes on ya MOTHER how ya SWAM from HER MOUTH to DOWN UNDER still ain't been DISCOVERED

 

Possibly a RANSOM for a HANDSOME LUMP of CASH from the FATHER incase the BASTARD tried to move FARTHER

 

AWAY I don't BLAME HIM LADIES THESE DAYS all wanna MAIN US MEN to get PAID from sexual FOREPLAY to cover RENT

 

Lower ya DEFENSES overcome by a MOTIVE that's SENSELESS who know's what diseases LURK in the UNEXPECTED

 

Are you WRENCHIN ya HANDS AT MY WORDS ANGER FROM DEEP DOWN I'VE DISTURBED but don't hate ME for EXPOSIN your WORTH

 

 

 

 

 

Now for the explanation I sent to my friend on myspace:

 

 

 

The first line is me, Max, and our other friend who's rappin, comparin us 300 and sparta and I never saw the movie but wasn't them 300 vs a hoard of like 10k? It's like saying, we're lyrical and we're fightin against all these gangsta rappers and we haven't the slimmest chance of winning, oddly I never had that intent of the line til now lol.

 

 

 

Second line is self explanitory but it plays off my name Big C, AKA Big Chaos, if you asked any hardcore street cat if a southern white kid would make it in a music scene like hip hop they'd laugh in your face :/ and I'm sayin our movement will cause chaos just by the fact we're white, from the south and rap how we do

 

 

 

Third line, sayin we're breakin down the barrier with every rhyme we make and basically it means their label is losin faith and would rather not put out money for their album but focus on us

 

 

 

Fourth line kicks in with the diss, basically meaning your hooker of a mom should've swallowed your dad's [bleep] instead of letting it flow inside her vagina, to put it in a blunt perspective(that was an explanation, not talkin bout you lol :/)

 

 

 

Fifth line, talkin bout how women cheat most men out of cash by making babies, like you know how the fathers always run off when the kid comes in and some women go to the length of gettin the cash they need for the kid rather then being [bleep] over

 

 

 

Sixth line, I can say I don't blame the guy who ran cuz of the above reasons but the seventh line is sayin you're a [developmentally delayed] for even not wearin protection(thus diseases and babies are created)...but this is in a diss format, makin it all seem bad to whoever I would be dissin, hope you understand that :P

 

 

 

Last line is what makes the other lines the diss, or make it apparent that it was a diss cuz you're supposed to be pissed that I said that about you and people deny [cabbage] like that and say their step dad is their real father and their hooker mom is cool and not a hooker but if you react all pissed off you prove the point of exposing your worth....worthless

 

 

 

HOPEFULLY that all made sense as it's late and you might not be understanding things fully, I know I'm not right now cause my body feels like it's drunk from my low blood sugar lol

[/hide]

 

 

 

Thanks now I can see things much easier. :) Some creative things up there I must say, good luck with the song.

 

 

 

Censor some words though, little kiddos are reading this forum. :|

[i123i]

Yeah I realize that I didn't know that some words didnt get censored :S

[Bubsa]

It's half complete - you need to put it to music. It can be as powerful as anything, but without music, it can't be in its true form.

[i123i]

People obviously haven't ever been to a text battle forum :P Not, complaining about you guys but I was more looking for criticsm about the lyrics(could there be a better alternative to a certain word to make a better multi,was my wordplay aight? or something along those lines,but there is also the share factor and I understand your views), not my flow, my flow's perfectly fine on the mic and how good it sounds is all in the production though sadly none of my work will be started that I've written(3-4 songs so far lol I keep myself busy :S) until I get to my friend's house and jump on his way better mic and computer, basically it's like a studio with ghetto foam/bed matresses lol.

[Mercifull]

Maybe this isnt the best place for critique on amateur rapping then?

[ctp080188]

Text battle forums. Sounds Gangsta.

[i123i]

ctp....lol...where you draw gangsta from, i don't know but it seemed really unneccessary to try to start some flame war

[Bubsa]

Maybe this isnt the best place for critique on amateur rapping then?

 

 

 

Not exactly sure what you mean by amateur rap but it seemed offensive really, if you think that's amateur rap go listen to Young Joc and Young Jeezy

 

Those two you mentioned are getting paid and maknig a living for rapping, making them pro. You're not, making you amateur. It wasn't meant to be detrimental, just pointing out the fact that you are doing it for the love of it (direct translation of amateur) and not for a living.

 

 

 

Lose the attitude.

[i123i]

Right, was outta line when I said that...I'm used to alot of [cabbage] in this section...and really alot of [cabbage] overall

 

 

 

And Bubsa that doesn't make them "pro", they got record contracts, they're not pro. Many other "amateur" rappers could destroy them and HELL a 6th grader would stand a chance at battling either of them and the crowd would have a hard time making the decision over who won.

 

 

 

But I never intended for this thread to come out like this so could we please drop the offtopicness of that the thread seems to be directing in

[Nadril]

Right, was outta line when I said that...I'm used to alot of [cabbage] in this section...and really alot of [cabbage] overall

 

 

 

And Bubsa that doesn't make them "pro", they got record contracts, they're not pro. Many other "amateur" rappers could destroy them and HELL a 6th grader would stand a chance at battling either of them and the crowd would have a hard time making the decision over who won.

 

 

 

But I never intended for this thread to come out like this so could we please drop the offtopicness of that the thread seems to be directing in

 

 

 

pro2 /proÃÆàÃâ¦Ã / Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[proh] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation adjective, noun, plural pros. Informal.

 

ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Ãâadjective

 

1. professional.

 

ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Ãânoun

 

2. professional.

 

3. the pros, the professional athletic leagues, as of football, baseball, or basketball: He's sure to be signed by the pros.

 

[Origin]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anyways I'm with everyone else, it needs to be put to music to really give it any justice. It looks ok (300 reference is lol) but its not the same in text.

[ctp080188]

ctp....lol...where you draw gangsta from, i don't know but it seemed really unneccessary to try to start some flame war

 

 

 

Wasn't insulting you.

 

 

 

But yeah, if you want my opinion, I can't pick up your flow from it. The meaning is difficult to decifer without your aid, and yes I am an avid listener of hip hop, so it is not a foreign language to me per se. Put it on a beat and I can give a better opinion.

[Hobgoblin11]

SIGH some people don't understand metaphors but it needs a lil background info...I'll even caps the rhymes since you can't figure it out when it's piss easy

 

 

 

You ask for people's views and then shoot down the very first person to comment on it? :-s

 

 

 

It's creative, I'll give yer that. Not really my 'thing', but from a musical point of view, shouldn't the phrases at least have the same number of syllables?

 

It's easier to read lyrics if you insert commas after the words that ryhme - it just shows where the phrase begins and ends.

[i123i]

Nadril- There's a difference between being pro and having a record contract, really I don't even think the word pro is used in music, it's either someone loves you or someone hates you and if you receive both, you're doing something right :P

 

 

 

CTP- Sorry, my bad, it's the net and I can't read how you meant it, I prolly come off arrogant with my posts and I realize this, sorry but do you listen to underground artists also? Like, and I realize this can apply to some mainstream lyrics too, with some lyrics you have to do some research to find out what they mean really. Take for instance alot of the times in Slug from Atmosphere's lyrics he metaphors about his ex-girlfriend Lucy who said not to talk about him but if you listened to his lyrics without knowing you'd be like, oh it's just some old tramp he used to date....no, since you know who he's addressing it becomes a personal line and makes it all the much sweeter. It's so easy to know what most mainstream artists are talking about because they are usually about the same thing, sex, guns, drugs and/or dancing

 

 

 

Hob- A comma signifies a momentary pause to me thus that doesn't help really for me, I copied and pasted from notepad where I wrote it and about the syllables, it's a smart move/should be done but IF you can manage to switch your flows and cram words and breath right on the track it's possible to not have to match the syllables at every moment, also finding the rhymes is piss easy....to me I guess and to some people also easy, meh

[Abelmisi]

Nadril- There's a difference between being pro and having a record contract, really I don't even think the word pro is used in music, it's either someone loves you or someone hates you and if you receive both, you're doing something right :P

Ffs, it's tiring to argue with you. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Professional

 

 

 

A professional can be either a person in a profession (certain types of skilled work requiring formal training / education) or in sports (a sportsman / sportwoman doing sports for payment).[1][2] Sometimes it is also used to indicate a special level of quality of goods or tools, sometimes also called 'commercial grade'.[3]

 

Main Entry: 1proÃÆââ¬Å¡Ãâ÷fesÃÆââ¬Å¡Ãâ÷sionÃÆââ¬Å¡Ãâ÷al

 

Pronunciation: pr&-'fesh-n&l, -'fe-sh&-n&l

 

Function: adjective

 

1 a : of, relating to, or characteristic of a profession b : engaged in one of the learned professions c (1) : characterized by or conforming to the technical or ethical standards of a profession (2) : exhibiting a courteous, conscientious, and generally businesslike manner in the workplace

 

2 a : participating for gain or livelihood in an activity or field of endeavor often engaged in by amateurs b : having a particular profession as a permanent career c : engaged in by persons receiving financial return

 

3 : following a line of conduct as though it were a profession

 

- proÃÆââ¬Å¡Ãâ÷fesÃÆââ¬Å¡Ãâ÷sionÃÆââ¬Å¡Ãâ÷alÃÆââ¬Å¡Ãâ÷ly adverb

 

 

 

Face it, this case you being amateur has nothing to do with the level of music you produce.

[ctp080188]

No, I don't listen to mainstream MTV "hip hop". 80s and 90s are my years. It was just my opinion. I like music that makes me think, but not research. I would still be a better judge if it was over a beat.

[i123i]

I'm not arguing, I'm stating my view and my opinion, don't like it? private message me, the only difference between me and a mainstream artist is they have a record contract. I could say that hip hop's my profession which it will be once I'm recording my [cabbage] on a quality mic at my friend's house and I'd say my lyrics are pro but...you know what [bleep] it, I'm not gonna argue, [bleep] IT, I'm done typing and this is making my blood sugar go low so yeah, [bleep] it

[How2PK]

I'm not arguing, I'm stating my view and my opinion, don't like it? private message me, the only difference between me and a mainstream artist is they have a record contract.

 

 

 

Which is why you are amateur and they are profesionals. Good God. It doesn't have anything to do with how good or bad you are.

[Mercifull]

Wow never known someone to get so angry at me for referring to them as amateur. Unless rapping is your profession then you are an amateur, its not an insult. Pro quality doesn't make you a pro. You are right in that having a record deal doesn't make you good but it does make you a pro by definition. Would you have rather me refer to you as a "bedroom rapper" because to me THAT sounds like an insult.

 

 

 

My point was that none of us on this forum are qualified, or even think we are qualified, to critique and say if what you wrote is good or bad on what is by definition amateur rap. Don't be offended, I just meant that perhaps if you are looking for good feedback then try a dedicated rap forum. You seem to get quite lairy at even the slightest negative mention even if it wasn't intended which definitely doesn't show professionalism.

[ltb2006]

I think they are really good bars,i'd like to hear it on a beat. If you do,pm me the link or something :pray:

[i123i]

I DO realize I dug a huge [wagon] hole here(literal hole, not...that...:\)....I really don't know what to say tbh

 

 

 

and merc, idk, I just thought I could share and possibly get any feedback from anyone besides the usual lololol nice!!1!!

[ctp080188]

I just thought I could share and possibly get any feedback from anyone besides the usual lololol nice!!1!!

 

 

 

Well you definately got that. There is no need to have gotten so defensive, you seem pretty confident in your ability, so there is no need to prove it by getting all agitated. Just keep doing what you do, and enjoy it.