Draz's Revolutionary Guide to Hygiene Standards in Glienor
(And an Irishman's Gaming Bar Crawl!)
Ever felt like your body smells a bit too much like rotten flesh or burning sulphur?
Are your appendages and face covered in the blood of those who you’ve devoured in the name of Khorne?
Are you finally thinking that you should become hygienic and finally wash yourself?
Or are you thinking of having a relaxing hour to yourself?
Well look no further!
Draz’s guide to the aromatic world of baths is here!In this guide, I will cover all your hygienic needs, from scrub-a-dub-dubbing to decontaminating every orifice on your body!
And for an added bonus, I’ll also explain the quality of each bath and help you choose the right bath for you! I’ll even tell you how comfortable each bath is, if you ever wish to use them as a bed!
By the end of the Bath Bar Crawl, you WILL want to be using the baths to wash yourself and to sleep in!
The History of the Bath Barcrawl:
Nobody understood the reasoning behind the prohibition, but they kept their thoughts to themselves due to the fear caused by the dread Captain.
Dr. Rah was only born at the beginning of the prohibition, as the son of a stonemason and a farmer; so he never knew a life without alcohol until one faithful day in his teens.
A stranger arrived in the city.
The stranger wore a long, viscous sword at his side and a black cloak covering him. The hood of the cloak was down, revealing a head full of strong, ginger hair. He walked with a stagger as if he'd been injured, although he still walked briskly to where he wanted to go.
Stanza, not yet a doctor, observed the stranger with curiosity. Enough to even follow the strange man on his business.
After a short period of time, the stranger turned round with a warm smile and said,"You don't have to be hiding in the shadows, if you want to walk with me then at least walk by my side."
Stanza approached the stranger with caution and kept an eye on him while they walked.
The Stranger asked Stanza what his name was, "Umm...my name is Stanza..Stanza Rah..may I ask who you are? You don't look like you're from around here..."
The stanger laughed, "Oh how rude of me! My name is Jack Strawson...I'm a cook, you see, and I'm searching for new recipes for food and drink! I had heard that Keldagrim grew some of the finest alcohol in all the land! Do you know where the bar is? I haven't been here before and I'm a bit lost!"
A patrol of bulky dwarves in armor as black as night walked slowly passed the duo as soon as Jack said this, eyeing him up with hawk-like eyes.
"Alcohol? You can't talk about that here, it's illegal! If the Captain of the guard hears you asking about it...I'd fear for what he would do!" Stanza sharply told Jack.
Jack just smiled, "you're a nice individual, has anybody ever told you that? Caring for a stranger is a divine quality indeed but you don't need to worry, I'll be able to handle myself if anything happens...so can you show me where the person who used to run the bar is?"
After a brisk walk, Stanza shows Jack where the bartender for the "Stony Stout Inn" lived. They approached the door and rapped.
A few awkward moments later, a scratching sounded from the door and it slid open, revealing a young, beautiful brunette woman. She eyed the stranger up nervously and then looked at Stanza.
"You're Robin's son, right? What d' ya want?" asked the woman in a frustrated tone. "Yeah that's me; I was just showing this man where you lived, he said he wanted to ask about...what was it Mr. Jack? Alcohol?" Stanza said loudly.
Jack smiled,"Yes indeed, I just wish to inquire about your fermentation process for the alcohol which you serve...or used to serve, rather."
The woman's eyes widened and she peered outside the door to the left and right. She lingered for a moment then pulled Stanza and Jack inside to the darkly lit room. It took a few moments for their eyes to adjust.
"You weren't followed, were you?" Asked the woman nervously.
Jack shrugged, "Nah, couldn't have been followed without me noticing..unless they knew how to stalk somebody, unlike thunderfoot here," he said, pointing a thumb at Stanza.
Stanza turned a dull shade of red, even visible in the darkness of the room. Turning to the woman,"You know me, but I don't really know you, what's your name?"
The woman turned her head back towards Stanza, "of course you don't know me, nobody knows me anymore since I've been out of the job! But my name is Samantha, if you must know it.." She turned back round and went towards a door in the back of the room. "Follow me, it's still not safe to be talking out in the open like this."
Samantha unlatched a hidden door under the stairs, leading down below the floor. "We can talk without any nosey listeners down here." she muttered as she began walking down the stairs.
Jack walked on and Stanza tripped over his own legs to catch up.
As they walked down the stairs, Samantha was lighting a bullseye lantern. "It's dark down here for a reason, it helps me with my work." She said with a smirk on her face.
Jack stopped at the bottom of the stairs so suddenly that Stanza knocked into him and fell back, "Oi, why'd you stop for?!"
"Shh..." whispered Jack, then he sniffed the air deeply. "That smell...it's...breathtaking!"
"It only smells like bread.." muttered Stanza.
"To the untrained nose, yes," explained Samantha,"but this is more than that...you're not quite old enough to remember the start of the prohibition but I am, and it hit me more than most. You see, I didn't only run the bar; I also brewed the greatest beer in the city in my own explicit way."
Jack's eyes widened in disbelief,"hang on, you...you're 'Softstone Sam'? I always thought Softstone Sam was a man!"
Samantha's eyes glittered,"Oh, you've heard of me? Seems my reputation still means something to some. But yes, I am Softstone Sam, Master Brewer of Keldagrim...or rather I was."
She turned around and began to walk. Jack and Stanza followed.
"You see, I got my nickname from my ability to shape massive blocks of marble into curved basins. Better than any other stonemason or craft master known. But it was what I did with these basins that got me the reputation that you remember; I brewed alcohol in them! It was perfect; the curves of the basin allowed me to mix all the ingredients perfectly." Explained Samantha.
Stanza looked around in awe in the room that they were in. It was massive! Though that's not what awed him; the hundred of marble basins that were surrounding the room was what caught his attention.
Jack asked,"judging by the law around here, I'm surprised you've stayed here and brewed!"
Samantha then explained how the marble around Keldagrim was of the highest quality and was the only marble she was comfortable sculpting.
"I've been buying the yeast from the baker on the other side of Keldagrim, to try to avoid suspicion as to what I was doing with it." Sam quietly said as she began to slow.
"You have to show me your technique, this would make the greatest alcohol that would be seen at parts of the world which haven't seen this before!" exclaimed Jack.
Samantha turned to him,"Well I have nothing else to do because of this damn prohibition, I may aswell spread the joy somehow!"
While the trio were grinning to themselves, a loud noise echoed towards them from the stairs up to the house.
"What in the name of Marimbo is that?!" shouted Jack loudly.
At that moment, shouts began to reach them from the stairs. Gruff voices of the Black Guard as they moved down the stairs bounced off the low lying ceiling.
Then came the sharp, ear piercing noise. It sounded like a blade of ice scraping along steel.
Stanza and Sam fell to their knees in fear, recognizing the noise immediately.
"No...we're dead...Captain V.M. is here..."said a shivering Stanza.
Jack looked down at Stanza and Sam, then back towards the stairs.
A tall figure stood at the bottom of the stairs. His face was as pale as a full moon. He had broad shoulders and a tight abdomen, with long, muscular arms. In his hands were 2 slim, deadly battleaxes, made of the purest metal that was ever seen. It was unknown how they came into the possession of the Captain, but he embraced them as much as they embraced him. They were a part of him. He controlled every molecule of air that they sliced though, every cell of skin and bone that they caved through.
Though the weapons weren't the most feared part of the Captain. It was his eyes, as cold and dangerous as the far North of the world.
Jack laughed,"Well, what are you 2 so scared of? He doesn't look like he could even scare a puppy!"
Then the Captains chilling voice echoed towards them,"It looks like we have 3 new prisoners set for execution."
The smile from Jack's face faded as he drew back his cloak, revealing the cutlass which Stanza has seen earlier. At first it looked like a normal sword, but this close, he saw how the blade actually was. It gave him hope.
Taking the sword from his belt, he pointed it at the Captain,"Hey Ugly, I heard you don't like beer..and from the smell, you don't like hygiene either!"
The Captains eyes narrowed even further, shooting daggers of loathing towards Jack.
"I don't know who you are, stranger, but that will not stop me from taking your head." said the Captian calmly.
The Captain began advancing towards the trio while Jack walked towards the Captain. And then he disappeared.
The Captain stood on the spot, confused by the individual who escaped his vision. This was his downfall.
Moments later, blood began pouring out of the Captains mouth. Jack reappeared near the stairs, his sword still in hand with a smirk on his face.
"I'm sorry guys, but I think my welcome here has run dry. I hope to see you both soon." shouted Jack.
As Jack turned up the stairs, the Captain fell to one knee and in less than a blink of the eye, his axes left his hands and flew straight towards Jack.
As the Captain fell completely from his wounds, there was a high pitched squeal as one of the axes sliced deeply into the wall next to the stairs. It was deflected by a quick movement by Jack. However, as fast as he was, he missed his target on the 2nd axe and it sliced straight through his right leg, severing the limb clean off just above the knee.
Stanza and Sam sat in awe of the spectacle at which they had just witnessed. Stanza wasn't sure how, but somehow he managed to gain the strength to get to his feet and begin walking towards Jack.
He stepped through the blood pool surrounding the lifeless Captain without so much as a second thought, he was determined to go to Jack.
The Black Guard who were near the entrance moved out of the way of Stanza, either out of shock of what just happened to their leader, or from fear that the swordsman who killed the Captain would kill them.
As Stanza approached the stairs, he noticed Jack sitting halfway up them, his cloak covering the right side of his body. A stream of blood was trickling down the steps and pooling at the bottom.
Stanza was happy yet afraid at the same time. He wasn't sure that was scaring him so much, the Captain who had terrorized and enforced his law for so long was gone. Keldagrim was free of the fear that blanketed it for so long. But then he realised why he was scared.
Jack was still smiling.
His leg had been severed off and he still had the will to smile.
As Stanza began to climb up the stairs slowly, Jack looked at him,"Hey kid, you okay after that? You look a little shook up."
"Ye...yeah I...think so...are you...okay?" stuttered Stanza.
Jack smirked and looked down at his leg,"Yeah I'm fine...gonna miss that leg though! I'm sure I'll find a replacement for it in my journey home.."
"Hey, Stanza, listen to me. Now that this is all over, I want you to do a little favor for me. Samantha is one of the greatest brewers in Glienor. I want you to learn her technique and perfect it; make your parents, the people of Keldagrim, Samantha proud...and make me proud..." asked Jack. "I'm not going to be able to work as well as I could have without my leg..and to be honest.." he held out his arm, showing a large slice from the palm of his hand to halfway up his bicep,"I don't think I'd be able to even make a basin..."
Stanza just nodded without thinking, obeying Jack without question.
Jack then pulled himself up,"Well then, Master Rah, I bid farewell to you. I hope that we meet again sometime in the future." Then he turned and hopped up the stairs and out of sight.
Samantha approached Stanza on the stairs and offered him a mug.
"You okay Stanza? You're as pale as a vampyre...here, have some of this. It's some of the stuff I've been brewing." said Sam calmly.
Stanza took the mug and took a sip.
It was perfect.
Stanza sighed with relief,"Thanks Miss Samantha...hey, Miss Samantha, I know this may sound a bit weird...but could you teach me how to brew alcohol in these...basins?"
Samantha stared at Stanza for a moment, taking in what she was just asked, then she smiled warmly,"Yeah sure, there shouldn't be any trouble for it now that the Captain is gone."
Stanza got to his feet and looked down at Samantha, "Hey Miss Samantha..one thing though, I think you should call these basins by a different name...how about a bathtub?"
Dr. Rah went on to learn everything about brewing alcohol in a bathtub, and in time, taught his apprentices how to brew in a bathtub, and they taught their apprentices.
This method of brewing alcohol spread far and wide throughout Glienor, over the mountains and oceans. Although few still remember the origin of the bathtub brewing method; there are some who still part-take in it's production, all across Runescape!
So follow in the footsteps of some of the greatest brewing masters, in an epic adventure with lots of alcohol!
Bath Barcrawl Guide
Varrock would be one of the central hubs of Glienor, and it is where Dr. Stanza Rah's 3rd apprentice, Shaquille Nanners, began his work. He didn't want to make anything to exotic and just wanted to deliver the finest ale that the city had ever seen.
This is the first stop in the Bath Barcrawl.
Sit and relax with one of the finest bathtub ales, listen to the drunken ramblings of a forgotten Vampire hunter or even pick a fight with the Barbarian wench!
After you've had a few fine pints, walk north passed the Varrock fountain, until you reach the Varrock Palace.
Once you reach the palace, go up the stairs to the 1st floor and walk to the room south-east of the top of the stairs.
The King of Varrock inherited this bathtub from the Nanner's family upon Shaquille's death. He died from drowning in Poitin. (Look it up! It's fun!)
Falador is the home of the White knights, whom of which fought against the Black Guard of Keldagrim while Captain V.M. was alive. The fight was known as the 'Battle of the Rum Star', which was due to a small symbol of Saradomin which was present on the bottle of rum which was thrown at Captain V.M. in Keldagrim during his parade for himself prohibiting alcohol.
The bar in Falador serves 3 different types of alcohol, but the one you want to buy and drink is the Wizard Mindbomb. Afterwards, run east towards the party room and find the next bathtub.
The 2nd apprentice of Dr. Rah's 1st apprentice, Joy-Scant L., was a wizard who was called Jennifer, but earned the nickname 'Yellow Rascal' due to the yellow underwear that she showed off through her armor.
Her cousin inherited her bathtub.
Her vanity knew no bounds, which is why when she bathed, she never covered the windows. This allowed a variety of 'tippers' to view her bathing.
This resulted in her death due to spotting an 'admirer' watching her, slipping on the floor and breaking her neck.
Draynor manor is the home of Count Draynor, who took this bathtub directly from Keldagrim shortly after the death of Dr. Rah. It was a coincidence that Count Draynor was in Keldagrim when Dr. Rah became ill and died suddenly.
The wine that's sold in Draynor Manor is was actually squashed in the bathtub in the manor by none other than Ava. When she first moved into the manor, she was asked if she could make anything useful, at which point she 'coincidentally' stomped on a box of grapes and ground them into liquid. It is said the wine includes a 'special ingredient' that Ava included.
Treat yourself to a few bottles and then stumble along the path to Draynor Manor.
After you get to Draynor Manor, enter it and go upstairs then run to the south-east room, where you will spot this rather dull bath.
It is said that a piece of Dr. Rah's spirit is still contained within the bath.
Dunno where the rumor came from though. Aznats in the picture didn't make any sense.
This is the realm of the Keeper of the Holy Grail, which is said that when you drink the spirits brewed in the bathtub within the realm, your stomach and liver inherit the power of the mythical 'U. Maker'.
To get to the Fisherking's realm, you must complete 'The Holy Grail' quest. If you can access fairy rings, you may also teleport there with pixie magic.
However, I suggest that you pay a visit to the bar in Yanille. Although it doesn't serve alcohol that is brewed within a magical bathtub, it does contain an ingredient with magical properties:
That's right, the bitter taste of the 'Dragon Bitter' from the Yanille bar is due to the fermentation of dragon dung! It's quite magical and may sound disgusting; but a majority of food that we eat contains excretion, so don't think twice!
After you're done drinking down your tasty bitter, attempt to stand. If you can't stand then you have failed the bath barcrawl.
However, if you can stand- then you may be blessed by the great and mighty 'Razhard', a great warrior who was shot through the genitals by an arrow. This happened because he decided it would be a good idea to fall asleep in the middle of a battle. Regardless, before his death; he could drink entire bars dry for a week straight!
After following the map to the fairy ring, you will travel to the magical land of Zanaris. Zanaris does not, sadly, contain any alcohol, but the teleportation through the fairy magic is amazing- it can bring you to a multitude of places, including:
The Enchanted valley is a beautiful place to pass out drunk and let the centaurs have their way with you.
Once you've explored a bit, go back to the fairy rings and travel to the Kingfisher's realm, and from the fairy ring, walk west to the small house in the corner; containing the next magical bathtub!
This bath brews spirits from the potatoes and wheat growing in the realm.
Ardougne is the hub of Khadarin, rich in the production of alcohol. The city was founded by the last apprentice of Dr. Rah, a young adventurer who earned the nickname of 'The Octunter' due to his ability to fish Karambwan with his bow and arrow.
He brewed a variety of alcohol, and was very skilled at this craft.
The pub in Ardougne sells Ranger's aid beer in honor of his archery skills, so treat yourself to a few pints!
The first bath is south of the church, just north of the zoo. Rumor has it that besides from brewing ale from Karambwan poison,
he also used varieties of animals from the zoo!
The 2nd bathtub is said to have been used to make a deadly virus which wiped out the world.
Pretty sure that it's a lie, vodka isn't a virus.
Baxtorian was an elf, according to popular theory; however, recent findings has discovered that Baxtorian was actually the spawn of a Dragon, karambwan and giant. How the actions came to pass for this spawn to be created is unknown, we suspect that the karambwan was actually used as a 'toy' by the giant while intimate with the dragon.
Following the map, you should arrive at a lovely mansion which was used by the cult that worshiped Baxtorian. The leader of the cult, Rasolo, still roams outside and even sells Kegs of beers; which contains the sweat of the great spawn known as Baxtorian.
By this stage, you should be very drunk.
You should drink some more.
Pollniveach was established by the three-headed snake known as 'Plug' due to her longing to stick her heads inside everything. It is said that she died by getting her head stuck inside the plug-hole of the bathtub.
The bar in Pollniveach still serves spirits and grog that was brewed in the bathtub; they were stored deep under the sand surrounding the town.
Treat yourself to all the drinks you can, and once you begin to see 3 bartenders at one time, it's time for you to see the last bathtub!
Seeing as you're hopefully so drunk right now that you should be in hospital, breaking-and-entering the mayor's house wouldn't be too bad, right?
It is said that you can still feel 'Plug' slithering into your body when you bathe there.
Now, this place doesn't contain an entire bath; it contains 2 wash basin's which were crafted by a copy-cat who saw Dr. Rah working. Awe inspired by the craftmanship, he tried to create his own.
These wash basin's were used to attempt making beer from the sea water surrounding the colony; however they resulted in raising the dead who seems to be skilled at mage. This was bad to for the copycat, as it resulted in his skin, muscles and organs rotting off his skeleton and claim a grasp on the magical arts.
I would advise against drinking anything from this town.
Have you ever wanted to decontaminate all the death that's on your body? Well do I have the place for you!
The acid baths of Rimmington are desired by all, due to their cleansing abilities. Seriously, you'll feel like the bad skin is burning right off! But in a good way!
If that's not your cup of vodka, then don't worry, there are some other baths for you little girls.
These ogre baths are spectacular for relaxation and for the pleasure seekers.
But do you want to feel ALIVE?!
Do you want to feel like you're living life on the edge?!
WELL LOOK NO FURTHER!
Swimming at Baxtorian falls is definitely one of the most thrilling things to do in a bath! If the running rapids don't clean your body then potentially being washed off the waterfall will! Just be careful of the Baxtorian Cult; I believe that they will claim your skull and offer it up to their God.
Are you feeling Colorful? Do you want to change your skin tone?
Then do I have the place for you!
Al Kharid offers a range of Dye baths; filled with a variety of nutrients and vitamins useful for your adventuring needs!
By following this Bath Barcrawl, you'll be joining in on history; following the footsteps of the apprentices of the King of Bath Brewing!
And hopefully, you end up passed out.
Draz's Guide to Bed,Bath and Beyond may result in passing out in a bath, resulting in it ending up as a bed.
Or you may pass out in the corner.
Beyond a bed is death, hopefully drinking that much doesn't result in that.
I like you guys.
I hold no responsibility for anybody.
This guide took about 10 hours, about 5 hours travelling around all of Runescape and 5 of writing up everything.
Pretty sure there are some mistakes but I'll fix them soon.
ALSO, I FOUND THE POLLNIVEACH ONE BEFORE TANS.