the boy of ardougne:please comment and be truthful

[whitedwarf99]

this is my second peice here but i havent posted for about a year and would like some comments on how i can improve

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

so it beggins the legend of the boy of ardougne

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was another day in my village another ordinary day at flancor, the minor village just south of ardougne. Some people say we are the smallest village in the entire of the world but im not sure we have more shops than draynor if not houses and residents. I was the son of the general store owner but as with every general store we were known as the general store owner and the shop assistant. I was also trying to learn the smithing and mining trades so I could make money for myself. But there was one thing I was always trying to do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To be a sworn swordsman. I was the best in the village at archery which was a mean feat at the age of 26 so there was also the possibilty of becoming a ranger but then some thing happened something that changed my life. I was 11 at the time this was unexpected completely that they would come to our humble village the paladins came on that day and changed my life

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The paladins were on one of their recruitement surges against the growing tide off demons trickling closer and closer to inhabitable land from the wilderness. I was the first person to notice them and imediately the unsworn boys of the village came forward and presented them selves. My self included.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A large knight in glistening armor gracefully slid of his horse and came forward and he said to me ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬Åhello little oneÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

[archimage_a]

Try to spell correctly(although Im terrible if I can't spell something I try a different word)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Try to make the story as cohrent as possible(not one of my stroy points) liek where you said

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'I was the best in the village at archery which was a mean feat at the age of 26 so there was also the possibilty of becoming a ranger but then some thing happened something that changed my life. I was 11 at the time this was unexpected completely that they would come to our humble village the paladins came on that day and changed my life '

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When you talk about some life changing event try to not say that you are 26 but the life changing event make the sentence before incorrect.

 

 

 

And you have the word 'then' but swich from being 26 to 11, I can see that something might happen but it needs to be explained.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The story seems good even if slightly 'bitty', just explain the story and you'll be fine.

[xxsheepxx]

meh, needs a lot of work, sorry. its pretty boring.. zz.. good effort though

[Striker6]

I found it quite interesting and yes archimage is right, a story needs to flow to entice the reader and make them want to read more. A good storyline I want to find out what happens next.

[whitedwarf99]

thanks but yeh i see what you mean ill try and work on it for the second chapter. i should be able to release that tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

whitedwarf99

[dragoncmd]

xxsheepxx, try not to say that someone's writing is boring, its not constructive unless you have suggestions.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

whitedwarf, three things:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

First, having you been playing too much warhammer?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Second, make it longer, its hard to give suggestions about stuff that isn't there (lol)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Third, spell out numerals "two" versus "2"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thats becomming a chant isn't it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

P.S. I really like the line "I can still remember the light of a thousand jewels as I later described it radiating from that sword. "

[whitedwarf99]

soz peeps i was on holiday so i couldnt post so here u go chapter 2 in its earnesty

 

 

 

CHAPTER 2

 

 

 

 

 

Now then back to reality. The paladins were closing in on our town and all the young ones were standing outside our newly opened fishing shop. But every one remembered me and I was pushed to the front. As the convoy came within sight I realised that these were the same paladins as the night upon which I was selected. Apart from one there was a new leader and the old man who had selected me was mising. I frowned. As the rider dismounted I recognised him. He was the old mans old aprentice now probably a knight now. He stepped forwaard and in the exact same vooice as his predesser he said ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬Åhello little oneÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

[whitedwarf99]

plz sum more comments

[Rilha]

It looks good, but it's spaced, capitalised, and spelled in such a manner that it's fairly difficult to read. Try to use proper grammar and capitalisation; that will bring you a long way.

[Amestar]

First let me say that it has a good idea to it. I like the sword and the solemnness of the knight's request to the boy.

 

 

 

But, I must agree with everyone else in saying that it doesn't flow well and there are lot of spelling and grammatical errors. I know that your typing on a forum and people can get lazy- I'm sure I have errors in this message- but a story needs to be correctly written, otherwise the reader gets lost.

 

 

 

I would suggest writing your story on Microsoft Word or something and then pasting it in the forum. The more formal atmosphere might help your grammar.

 

 

 

Other than grammar, I liked the idea of the story. But there are some parts that you could add to enhance the environment that the reader sees in their mind. There are also parts that I don't think fit with the point of your story. The good-bye part to the girlfriend doesn't fit in with the rest of the story unless you're going to make her a big part later. Also, the name Sam caught me really off guard. One of my favorite parts about fantasy writing are the names! Sam might be a good name in this day and age, but compared with the nights name and the city name and so on, I don't think Sam fit.

 

 

 

Anyway, good luck!

 

 

 

Amestar

[S7ccer]

I liked the story, although I have to admit, the first part was more exciting than the second.

 

 

 

Besides grammar etc, I'd like to see some description of the characters...

 

No offense but I want to be able to breathe in that world. See Runescape's graphics suck, so I like to be able to read something that breathes more than the game. Descriptions help, weather helps, the touch of things like holding the sword helps etc.

 

 

 

Also, on the note of the above person trying to help you out, I agree solemnly on the girlfriend thing. See in that day an age, I would believe leaving a girlfriend, well I don't think they were even called girlfriends but that's beside the point, leaving a girlfriend would be alot harder than just good bye so you should expand that a little. Also, she wasn't mentioned in the beginning, so it was quite a surprise you threw her into it like that.

 

 

 

I love the plot by the way, and you have a lot of strong points.

 

 

 

So just add more descriptions and details... and more background. I think you're doing a good job tho!

[dragoncmd]

I want to be able to breathe in that world. See Runescape's graphics suck, so I like to be able to read something that breathes more than the game.

 

 

 

I think that sums up what just about every person on these forums have been saying about detail is one of the best manners possible. (Take that as one of the highest compliments)

 

 

 

Oh and welcome to the forums S7ccer.

[archimage_a]

That is true most stories really feel like a 2D reality without any real needs or wants(like Runescape really)

 

 

 

Things like the weather(or pictures) do help alot because they bring stories off of the thought plane, and into the 3D world.(However if like me(thanks for your post) you really don't care what other people think because you write because you can then go for anything)

 

 

 

Did like the second chapter though

[aznmidget448]

I think this is a really great story.

 

Some people have trouble reading it because of the grammar and spelling etc so do some proofreading.

 

As said before, you need more description. Try to put an image of the character into the readers mind. For example, what's his hair color/texture? Add that kind of stuff.

 

Sam is a very random name. I was expecting a more formal one.

 

 

 

Overall, good story. I can't wait to read another chapter.

[whitedwarf99]

hi people im sorry but i probably wont be able to finish this story unless i can bend a english story gcse title to include it so im happy for someone else to finish it off as i will be kept extremely busy with my coursework and exam preparations for the next or year or so until my exam

 

im sorry but im just having to quit runescape and the forums for a year or so, so i can get good grades on my gcse's

 

 

 

tys whitedwarf99

[Loge_05]

Right from the start it's full of cliches. The spelling is awful and the sentences are all the same.

 

It was another day in my village

 

Example of a cliche. We've heard it before.

 

 

 

The paragrahs didn't flow very well. The sentences lacked style and could do with improvement.

 

Generally, the story itself was good, however re-write it. The way it was written was a big let down and seriously hampered the enjoyment of it.

[Guest AshKaYu]

I might as well try:

 

 

 

"Get your lazy butts over here!"

 

We were at boot camp, with three things being taught to us. The art of forging, prospecting ores, and mining the ore. It wasn't a skip through the forest of Lumbridge.

 

 

 

We jogged over there, weighed down by twenty steel bars each. It was time to make a steel platebody. It was supposed to be a simple task, but thirty of the fourty men couldn't make a body, and failed. They were asked to pick up their belongings and leave.

 

 

 

I sweat as the red-hot sun waved up from the rocky hills of the Al Kharid Chasm Mine. We were outside the scorpion infested mine so that the dwarves, who were natural enemies of scorpions, wouldn't be attacked. We were expected to find a piece of gold ore, and bring it back. It was not an easy task, as the scorpions attacked anyone who went near the mine, unless they had a true symbol of strength on them, and also, the rocks were disgustingly hard to see, for the height of the mine filled them with shadows.

 

 

 

We started off as three hundred, from as far away as Isfafdar and Port Phamasys. There was an elf, but he left when he saw bronze arrows laying on the ground, almost like magic, they were coming back. We were given twenty steel bars, and told to get from West Ardougne to Al Kharid Chasm Mine in three days and nights.

 

 

 

"I'm nervous," Dana said next to me. He was from Draynor, and was well known for being able to smelt mithril bars, with coal and mithril ore. It was almost an art, but it had left him with a weakness for smithing.

 

 

 

"I'm nervous because this is almost like torture. Twenty steel bars, three hundred kilometres, in three days! It was crazy. If it wasn't for the nice mages who we ran into at Falador, we never would have been beamed to Lumbridge in time!"

 

 

 

He was referring to a group of well known elemental mages, with the earth one able to beam people to Lumbridge.

 

"I-"

 

He was interupted by Boot, saying "Matherson, Dana, time for you to prove what you've got".

 

 

 

I prayed to Guthix for his blessing on Dana, and quietly sat and watched.

[FOXYGRAMPS]

Uh... yea ok good job.

 

CHECK OUT MY STORY!!!!!!

[issy2]

Hi, I'm Issy. I'm new to these forums, lol, and don't really know what I'm doing but anyway...

 

You need more puncuation; the sentences go on far too long without a breath for the reader. Try to use some of these:

 

, to separate clauses, or separate additional information.

 

; a semi colon- a mix between a full stop and a colon. It's longer than the colon but shorter than the stop. It can be used where two separate sentences can be joined into one.

 

() Brackets. To hold additional information and to indicate a pause in the sentences.

 

 

 

For example:

 

 

 

It was another day in my village; another ordinary day at Flancor, a minor village just south of Ardougne. (change of tense, unless you use a new pargraph)

 

Some people say we are the smallest village in the entire world, (possible use of a connectivem ore interesting than but, for instance although, or however) although I'm not sure. We have more shops than Draynor, (new clause does not make sense. You need to use an additional connective) as well as houses and residents. I am the son of the general store owner, but as with every general store, we were known as the general store owner and the shop assistant. I was also trying to learn the smithing and mining trades, so I could make money for myself. But there was one thing I was always trying to do.

 

 

 

To add to that, the beginning is extremely see-through and obvious. You really need to decide what kind of person you are aiming your story at, and create a beginning that would immediately interest them.

 

 

 

Otherwise, it's quite good.

 

And sorry if it came across a bit harsh!

 

Issy.

[Death45]

Pretty good story though spelling and captalization could be improved but still it is a pretty good story