Help

[AceBeam]

I don't quite know where to start...

 

My mom is getting mad at my dad for drinking, and now says she'll move to a new house away from him when the snow clears up. She told me this, but told me not to tell dad. My dad has tried to stop drinking many times, but has always ended up back on the bottle. He's a hard working man, and earns around three quarters of the money we live on. She'll move out if he doesn't clean up his act before the snow goes. I'm not capable of crap whatsoever in these situations. Should I tell my dad about this in hopes that he will stop? Something that's really killing me (but not the thing MOST killing) about this is that if my mom moves away, I'll have to choose who to stay with, both ways, I'm pissing off one of my parents. The most killing thing is that I don't think it's my dads fault. I mean, yes, he has given me lots of hard times, but he's a good man. Some habits are just impossible to get over. (Don't worry, I'm not one of those kids who think it's always there fault.)

 

 

 

To the people who will question my posting of this on Tip It (because I know someone will ask why I posted here), I've seen some others get full useful help, and now I'm hoping those same people could help me out in this situation.

 

 

 

What do I do?

[Rebdragon]

I wouldn't mention your mom's plan to him if she isn't willing to tell him yet. Really, all there is to it is to find a way to get your dad to get over the drinking. It's a bad habit, and he DOES need to get over it.

 

 

 

Take all of this with a grain of salt though, this is a heavy topic and I really am not qualified to be a good source; this is just a friendly opinion.

[Riku3220]

Perhaps you can have your parents compromise with each other? Maybe if your mom will agree to stay longer if your father takes his drinking down a notch rather than quitting cold turkey.

[AceBeam]

My mom will not tell him until she starts moving...

 

If I tell him, theres a chance that they will stay together, or my dad will just get mad at her...

 

If I don't tell him, I'll have to face hell with these decisions...

 

Mom will not settle for taking it down a notch, from what I understand. I'll go ask her tomorrow...

[jemathonical]

I reckon tell your dad. If you don't, she leaves.

 

If you do, he could talk and maybe work something out, and if it goes bad, she leaves.

 

But if they work something out then who knows? It could all end happily.

[Madmanpur3]

Yeah, betray your mom's wishes and tell your dad. That's definitely the thing you should do. /sarcasm

 

 

 

What I would advise is telling your mom how you feel about the situation and try to convince her to talk to your dad about it. Tell her she should tell him how she feels and see if they can try to work something out instead of just up and leaving him without giving him a chance (knowingly).

 

 

 

Honestly, if you go behind your mom's back and tell your dad, it wouldn't surprise me if it results in a big fight between them and her moving out even sooner than she's planning to now.

[firanzo1]

Why don't you and your mum trying helping your dad?

[Nadril]

I would talk to your mom about it. I should ask though, is the drinking really becoming a big problem? I mean, do you notice it.

[Tim]

More or less, is he coming home each day compleatly smashed and does he use most of his income on it? If no then i think your mom might be jumping the gun a bit. My personal opinion though.

[Rinoa437]

I would advise not telling your father at this point. Your mother my decide on her own not to move as this is a big life change, especially with your father being the main provider. She might have just told you because she felt if she told someone what she wanted to do, it would make it easier to do. If she does go through with moving out and your parents ask you to choose who want to live with simply refuse to choose. Calmly explain to them that you are the child and they are the adults and that it's a decision they need to discuss and decide on their own. That was you will have no guilt and no fear of one of them being mad at you. Also, regardless of whether your mother stays or gos you and her need to looking getting your father help. Alcoholics Anonymous is a wonderful organization and they have meetings for friends and family of alcoholics called Al-Anon/ Alateen. I hope things work out for you, as a child of divorced parents I know how hard it can be to see your mother and father split.

[r4ngewarlord]

id talk with your mother about it because if you told your dad it might just make them argue more, see if you can get them to talk about it.

 

the fact that your mums saying shes going to move out is a pretty big deal anyway.

 

 

 

my parents divorced because my dad was, is? an alcoholic so i sorta know how it feels.

[Nero]

She obviously told you so that you would tell your Dad.

 

Chicks are sneaky like that.

[blushenka]

I don't quite know where to start...

 

My dad has tried to stop drinking many times, but has always ended up back on the bottle. He's a hard working man, and earns around three quarters of the money we live on.

 

 

 

I don't mean to sound judgemental, but your last sentence makes me think that his alcoholic problem is something not 'end of the world'-y, to warrant a divorce and to be separated from his child. If he is capable of having a well paid job and brings in the majority of your income, then obviously his alcoholism isn't affecting him on any personal level. From what you're saying, it sounds as if he enjoys a few more drinks than is customary when he comes home after a hard day's work. You didn't specify why his affinity with alchohol is a big problem for your mother. Is it a problem for you? You said he's given you a hard time (can you be a bit more specific), but you tend to believe it's not his fault. I get the feeling from what you said that you sympathize with your dad in this situation? But I don't want to put words in your mouth and I know that your feelings about this situation must be very mixed, so that you may not even know yourself.

 

 

 

Anyway, if you want a stranger's opinion, I get the impression that your mom isn't trying hard enough.

 

 

 

Maybe you should try to persuade her to try to actively help out your dad with this, discuss things more openly with him before taking such rash decisions. But all this depends on how close you and your mom are and how badly your mom and dad have fallen apart already.

[Racheya]

I've got a similar-ish situation myself. The best thing in my opinion is to let your mum tell her if she wants. You don't want to tell him, it would cause arguments I think or at least unrest. It's better to just let it be, if your mum really wants to leave she won't just pack up and go (then again I wouldn't know), but it's better to let her handle it in her own time and let them both come to the right decision.

[AceBeam]

I don't quite know where to start...

 

My dad has tried to stop drinking many times, but has always ended up back on the bottle. He's a hard working man, and earns around three quarters of the money we live on.

 

 

 

I don't mean to sound judgemental, but your last sentence makes me think that his alcoholic problem is something not 'end of the world'-y, to warrant a divorce and to be separated from his child. If he is capable of having a well paid job and brings in the majority of your income, then obviously his alcoholism isn't affecting him on any personal level. From what you're saying, it sounds as if he enjoys a few more drinks than is customary when he comes home after a hard day's work. You didn't specify why his affinity with alchohol is a big problem for your mother. Is it a problem for you? You said he's given you a hard time (can you be a bit more specific), but you tend to believe it's not his fault. I get the feeling from what you said that you sympathize with your dad in this situation? But I don't want to put words in your mouth and I know that your feelings about this situation must be very mixed, so that you may not even know yourself.

 

 

 

Anyway, if you want a stranger's opinion, I get the impression that your mom isn't trying hard enough.

 

 

 

Maybe you should try to persuade her to try to actively help out your dad with this, discuss things more openly with him before taking such rash decisions. But all this depends on how close you and your mom are and how badly your mom and dad have fallen apart already.

 

She overacts to things like this, dad isn't a problem when he drinks (or when he doesn't), and he's earned the rights. I can't persuade her either, shes a brick on the situation. By the hard times thing, Dad can sometimes be mean, and yells a lot. When he is wrong in an argument, he will continuously insist that he is right, even when the plain facts state otherwise. There have been times when he has just flat told me that He is right, I am wrong, which gets really frustrating.

 

My dads alcoholism isn't the problem here, he's just fine, it's just that mom is a somewhat irrational person. He doesn't spend an arseload on beer, and he always has enough for us to continue normally and then some.

[JIM]

I don't quite know where to start...

 

My mom is getting mad at my dad for drinking, and now says she'll move to a new house away from him when the snow clears up. She told me this, but told me not to tell dad. My dad has tried to stop drinking many times, but has always ended up back on the bottle. He's a hard working man, and earns around three quarters of the money we live on. She'll move out if he doesn't clean up his act before the snow goes. I'm not capable of crap whatsoever in these situations. Should I tell my dad about this in hopes that he will stop? Something that's really killing me (but not the thing MOST killing) about this is that if my mom moves away, I'll have to choose who to stay with, both ways, I'm pissing off one of my parents. The most killing thing is that I don't think it's my dads fault. I mean, yes, he has given me lots of hard times, but he's a good man. Some habits are just impossible to get over. (Don't worry, I'm not one of those kids who think it's always there fault.)

 

 

 

To the people who will question my posting of this on Tip It (because I know someone will ask why I posted here), I've seen some others get full useful help, and now I'm hoping those same people could help me out in this situation.

 

 

 

What do I do?

 

 

 

You owe it to them and yourself to let your feelings be known on the subject. Many people who are caught up in situations like yours find it hard to voice their concerns, or think that those concerns won't be taken seriously.

 

 

 

Let them know what you're worrying about, don't sugar coat it and make sure that they listen. Don't let them drag you into their squabbles, if they do, let them know that it's not and shouldn't be your place to get involved in any arguments they may have.

 

 

 

At the end of the day they both have an obligation to you whether they are together as a couple or not. If they haven't seemed to factor you into any of their decisions then it's up to you to be heard and make sure they're aware of the effect this is all having on you. I'm not saying that they won't already be aware that this is having an effect on you but they may not realise how much.

 

 

 

I'm really sorry things have gone this way for you. I had a messy upbringing and I know how scared and confused it can make you feel at times. Take solace in the fact that if they do break up it's for the best, staying in an unhappy relationship can be far more damaging for all involved.

 

 

 

Just remember that in situations like these, kids are usually the deciding factor. You have influence, use it well.

 

 

 

Good luck, my thoughts are with you!

[Nadril]

She overacts to things like this, dad isn't a problem when he drinks (or when he doesn't), and he's earned the rights. I can't persuade her either, shes a brick on the situation. By the hard times thing, Dad can sometimes be mean, and yells a lot. When he is wrong in an argument, he will continuously insist that he is right, even when the plain facts state otherwise. There have been times when he has just flat told me that He is right, I am wrong, which gets really frustrating.

 

My dads alcoholism isn't the problem here, he's just fine, it's just that mom is a somewhat irrational person. He doesn't spend an arseload on beer, and he always has enough for us to continue normally and then some.

 

 

 

Really that doesn't sound that bad (his drinking). And parents usually don't like to admit they are wrong :)

 

 

 

 

 

I don't know what to really say. Clearly it seems like something you should try and talk to your mom about still. Maybe you can ask her if there could be a copromise? Like, he doesn't drink as much and she stays. But having to have him quit cold turkey seems pretty counter productive, especially with AA meetings and all that.

[rangeor]

I'd suggest talking to your mom, it sounds like it's more than just the drinking.

[i_love_burritos]

Instead of going behind one of your parent's backs you should actually talk to them both, at the same time. Try to reach an accord of how your dad is going to fix his drinking problem and neotiate with your mom to cut him some slack. Don't forget to cry and say how much you love them, and dont want to see them seperated.

[mmmcannibalism]

She overacts to things like this, dad isn't a problem when he drinks (or when he doesn't), and he's earned the rights. I can't persuade her either, shes a brick on the situation. By the hard times thing, Dad can sometimes be mean, and yells a lot. When he is wrong in an argument, he will continuously insist that he is right, even when the plain facts state otherwise. There have been times when he has just flat told me that He is right, I am wrong, which gets really frustrating.

 

My dads alcoholism isn't the problem here, he's just fine, it's just that mom is a somewhat irrational person. He doesn't spend an arseload on beer, and he always has enough for us to continue normally and then some.

 

 

 

seems like hes not really alcoholic, just a heavy drinker.

 

 

 

I am led to think from what you have said that its more of a relationship problem then an alcohol problem.

 

 

 

Let me ask one simple question that I think would allow me and some others to give a little more guided advise. On a scale of 1-10 how better off do you think your parents would be if your father wasnt drinking; and how much better do you think you would get along with him in the same situation? Im mostly thinking along the lines that the alcohol feels like a bit of a scapegoat here.

[AceBeam]

5/10. It'd be just the same.

 

We'd get together just the same, like I said before, his drinking isn't the problem, mom's just overacting. The problem is more on moms side.

[JIM]

5/10. It'd be just the same.

 

We'd get together just the same, like I said before, his drinking isn't the problem, mom's just overacting. The problem is more on moms side.

 

 

 

Dude try not to take sides.

 

 

 

There could be a number of things that are going on that you're not aware of, remember that your parents won't tell you everything that's going on. There are some things your kids aren't meant to hear!

 

 

 

Try to be supportive to both of them but also let them know how you feel. People (especially parents, from my own experiences...) aren't perfect and in times of hardship need support rather than judgement. :)

[mmmcannibalism]

5/10. It'd be just the same.

 

We'd get together just the same, like I said before, his drinking isn't the problem, mom's just overacting. The problem is more on moms side.

 

 

 

then Id say its more of a relationship problem then an alcohol problem, Id advise counseling but the drinking will get scapegoated to death. Still a good option to consider though.