It's Chuck Norris Time!!!

[uwilbsorry]

This thread is very simple.

 

You simply type out Chuck Norris jokes. Please note that some (a lot) of these jokes aren't the funniest jokes you've ever heard, but if you know the big man Chuck, you'll understand8-). For those of you out there who don't have a clue about Chuck, he's an extremely high accomplished martial artist. In more simple words: You wouldn't wonna get roundhouse kicked by this dude. I think that explains everything, i'll be back in a couple days. HAVE FUN EVERYBODY

 

 

 

So i'll start it out with a few jokes:

 

 

 

~Guns dont kill people, chuck norris kills people.

 

 

 

~Chuck has counted to infinity...twice.

 

 

 

~chuck doesnt wear a watch. HE decides the time.

 

 

 

~chuck norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

 

 

 

~When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

 

 

 

I will also re-post all the funniest jokes from other people here:

 

 

 

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[uwilbsorry]

have at it people! its Chuck Norris Time!!!

[Ragen]

Couldn't you have just used the joke thread if you had the urge to post about chuck? Ah well I might as well have a crack.

 

 

 

Chuck norris once ran around the world and punched himself in the back of the head.

[uwilbsorry]

nah i contacted jaklumen he said it would be better just to make this, to keep all the Chuck jokes together. oh and thanks for posting

[uwilbsorry]

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.<---hehe just found that one

[Ragen]

i contacted jaklumen he said it would be better just to make this

 

 

 

Good to see someone on these boards wth sense :D

 

 

 

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a guy in the face so hard that the guy turned orange and was mistaken for a UFO as he flew over America (one of my own.)

[uwilbsorry]

lol nice, and thanks for the compliment.

[uwilbsorry]

Chuck Norris doesn't burn off calories, he stares them down til they run away<----my very own :D

[uwilbsorry]

chuck norris CAN believe it's not butter

[Fadfdfd]

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

 

 

 

I thought it was Tim Allen time :roll: :lol: =D> , those who saw my post a few months ago would laugh at that, if they remember it

 

 

 

I believe it was in a Chuck Norris thread

 

 

 

I think it was like

 

 

 

"The one show I always hated was that show on TBS where they were inside a woodshop?"

 

 

 

And somebody corrected me saying that I mixed up Tim Allen with Chuck Norris and the show was Home Improvement. And people started quoting the correctment :oops: . Very embarrasing :lol: , but funny now that I look at it.

[uwilbsorry]

ya its al kahn . i think thats his name.

 

 

 

anyways.... Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with Viagra.

[Cypress85]

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

 

 

 

 

 

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch.

 

 

 

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

 

 

 

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain

 

 

 

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

[misterxman]

Chuck Norris can devide by 0.

 

 

 

When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn't lift himself up - he pushes the Earth down.

 

 

 

Evolution doesn't exist, Chuck Norris decides which animals live.

[bacab]

Kryptonite isn't Superman's only weakness, he's also weak to Chuck Norris.

 

 

 

Moses didn't part the sea, Chuck Norris did, with his bare hands.

 

 

 

The damage to Hiroshima and Nagasaki would have been much greater if Chuck Norris hadn't caught the bombs.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris doesn't need an airplane to fly. Gravity is afraid of him and does what he wants it to do.

 

 

 

Sorry, brain isn't working right now.

[Nenga]

heres one i've heard

 

 

 

2 years ago chuck norris had a heart attack, his heart lost.

 

 

 

i don't realy google chuck norris jokes all that often soz

[Fadfdfd]

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

 

 

 

 

 

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch.

 

 

 

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

 

 

 

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain

 

 

 

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

 

 

 

U got all these off the same site that I got mine! :lol:

[Riku3220]

chuck norris doesnt roundhouse kick you, he kicks you around the house :lol:

[ancientzoide]

"...Angels sang out, in imackulate chorus, down from the heavens, descended Chuck Norris, who delivered a kick, which could shatter bones, into the crotch of Indian Jones, who fell over on the ground, wraving in pain, as Batman changed back into Bruce Wayne. But Chuck saw through his clever disguise, and crushed Batmans head inbetween his thighs. The Gandalf the Gray and Gandalf the White, and Monty Python and Holy Grails Black Night. And Bonito Mussoli and the Blue Meany, Cowboy Curtis and Jombi the Genie, Robotcop, Termination, Captain Kirk, and Death Vader, Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger, Bill S Prestion and Theodore Logan, Spock, the Rock, Doc Ock and Hulk Hogan all came out of nowhere lightning fast and they kicked Chuck Norris is his cowboy [wagon]. It was the bloodiest battle that the world ever saw with civilians looking on in total awe..." if you wanna see the video its at http://albinoblacksheep.com/flash/showdown you will never guess who the winner is but if youve seen it dont spoil it for others

[Nayarah]

I found this in a Brazillian website of humor, a list of "100 doubtless

 

truths about Chuck Norris". The repeated ones were cut out (i hope all).

 

Some other i couldn't translate well, sorry!!

 

 

 

PS: Thx to the forum moderator for replacing some of the dirty words with more polite versions. I just didn't knew what words to use to replace them. :wink:

 

 

 

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2 - Chuck Norris doesn't sleeps. He waits.

 

 

 

3 - Chuck Norris is going to sue NBC. He states that "Law & Order" are the registered trademarks of his legs ("Law" is left, "Order" the right one).

 

 

 

4 - If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you might be close to death.

 

 

 

6 - Last page of Guiness Book says in small letters: "All world records belong to Chuck Norris. We only reserve ourselves the task of listing the second places in each category."

 

 

 

7 - The Great Wall of China was originally built to stop Chuck Norris from entering china. It failed miserably.

 

 

 

8 - If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he will always say, "2 seconds untill..." Then you ask "2 seconds to what?", then he roundhouse kicks your face.

 

 

 

9 - Chuck Norris sold his soul to devil to get his cool looks and his incomparable martial arts habilities. Right after the transaction ended, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the devil's face and got his soul back.The devil, who likes irony, couldn't really get mad and at him said "I should have predicted it". He and Chuck Norris now play poker every second wednesday night of every month.

 

 

 

10 - Chuck Norris once ate 72Kg of meat in an hour. Hes spent the first 45 minutes making love with the waitress.

 

 

 

11 - When Chuck Norris gets his taxes, he sends back photos of himself ready to conterattack. Chuck Norris never had to pay taxes, NEVER!!!

 

 

 

13 - Chuck Norris has 2 speeds: Walk and Kill.

 

 

 

14 - Chuck Norris once ate a full cake before his friends could tell him there was a strip dancer inside of it.

 

 

 

15 - Wilt Chamberlein once said he had sleeped with more than 20.000 women in all his life. Chuck Norris calls this "a boring thursday night".

 

 

 

16 - When God said "Make it the light!", Chuck Norris said: "Say 'Please'."

 

 

 

17 - Chuck Norris once went down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

 

 

 

18 - Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he stares at them untill he gets all info he needs.

 

 

 

19 - Chuck Norris played "Roleta Russa" with a fully charged gun and won. (Don't know the name in english - that game where someone puts a single bullet in a pistol and shoots the head hoping the bullet is not aimed).

 

 

 

20 - Chuck Norris doesn't have a microwave because, everybody knows, "revenge is best served cold."

 

 

 

21 - Chuck Norris asked for a Big Mac at Burger King. He got it.

 

 

 

22 - Some people wear Superman costume. Superman wears a Chuck Norris cortume.

 

 

 

23 - Theres no chin behind Chuck Norris's beard, only another fist.

 

 

 

24 - Chuck Norris only spent his nights with lights on. Nope, Chuck Norris doesn't fear the darkness... But you can't say the reciprocal is true for the darkness.

 

 

 

25 - Chuck Norris once gave roundhouse kick so fast that he broke the light speed, came back in time and hit a ship called Titanic.

 

 

 

26 - Chuck Norris once defied the byke rider Lance Armstrong to see who had more "balls". Chuck Norris won by a difference of 5.

 

 

 

28 - Chuck Norris once swallowed a full bottle of pills to sleep. They made him blink.

 

 

 

31 - Hiroshima e Nagasaki never saw an atomic bomb. Chuck Norris ate a bad sushi and burped. That's all.

 

 

 

32 - Scientists estimate that the explosion of one galaxy releases energy equivalent to 1 CNRhK (one Chuck Norris's Roundhouse Kick).

 

 

 

33 - Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer (writer of song "U CanÃÆââ¬Å¡Ãâôt Touch This").

 

 

 

36 - God needed 10 days to build the world. Chuck Norris gave him 7 days and no more.

 

 

 

37 - Ozzy Osbourne bites bat heads. Chuck Norris bites Ozzy Osbourne heads.

 

 

 

38 - The original title for the movie Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger", starring Chuck Norris.

 

 

 

39 - Chuck Norris refused the role because if he used "the force", Darth Vader would spent te rest of his life speaking like a little girl.

 

 

 

40 - Chuk Norris doesnt have a house. He chooses a house and the habitants leave.

 

 

 

41 - The dinossaurs stared at Chuck Norris once. Once.

 

 

 

43 - If you ever make a mistake, ure obviously not Chuck Norris.

 

 

 

44 - If Chuck Norris gets late, its better for time to slow down.

 

 

 

45 - Chuck Norris lost virginity before his father.

 

 

 

46 - Before forgetting a x-mas gift to Chuck Norris, Santa did existed.

 

 

 

47 - An image is worth more than a thousand words. Chuck Norris is worth more than a million images.

 

 

 

48 - Chuck Norris doesn't buy butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows untill they turn into butter.

 

 

 

49 - When peeing, Chuck Norris can easily make a hole in a solid titanium block.

 

 

 

50 - Chuck Norris doesn't shave, he roundhouse kicks its own face. Because the only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is... Chuck Norris.

 

 

 

51 - Ninja Turtles are based on a true story. Once Chuck Norris was chewing a turtle's shell (he loves it!) and, when he went to toilet, made a 1,80m high, talking turtle that could fight Karat̮̻̉̉.

 

 

 

52 - Chuck Norris created "cesariana" whe he gave a roundhouse kick to get out his mother's womb. (* surgery to make babies born instead of natural bith)

 

 

 

54 - When answering questions in a test, always write "Chuck Norris". You will always ace the test.

 

 

 

55 - Chuck Norris created black. Actually, he created all known colors. Except for pink. Tom Cruise created that.

 

 

 

56 - Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of them is called earth.

 

 

 

57 - Chuck Norris doesn't have a cofee machine. He triturates coffe grains with his teeth and boils water with his fury.

 

 

 

59 - Chuck Norris needs only 20 minutes to spend an hour.

 

 

 

60 - The Bermuda Triangle was a square untill Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked one of its corners.

 

 

 

62 - If the movie "Terminator" was starred by Chuck Norris, it would be a documentary.

 

 

 

63 - Once a bear crossed Chuck Norris way. The trauma was so strong that the animal ran to polar regions and grew white hair. That's how Polar bears borned.

 

 

 

64 - When clapping, Chuck Norris can turn coal into diamonds. And vice-versa.

 

 

 

65 - Chuck Norris created sex, drugs and rock n' roll. In this order.

 

 

 

66 - Normal people has 23 pairs of "cromossomos" (DNA?). Chuck Norris has 72. All poisonous.

 

 

 

67 - There were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

 

 

 

68 - Studies reveal that the 3 major killing factors in USA are: heart attacks, cancer and Chuck Norris. Not necessarily in this order.

 

 

 

69 - Chuck Norris recently had the idea of sellin his piss in cans. Its called "Red Bull".

 

 

 

70 - 98% of USA women lost their virginity with Chuck Norris. 2% os USA women are from Norris family.

 

 

 

71 - Bible's original name was "Chuck Norris and Friends".

 

 

 

72 - Chuck Norris created internet. Just to store his porno files.

 

 

 

73 - When Bruce Banner gets mad, he becomes Hulk. When Hulk gets mad, he becomes Chuck Norris.

 

 

 

74 - The original tile for the film "Alien vs. Predator" was "Alien and Predator vs. Chuck Norris". The film was cancelled because no one would pay to watch a 14 seconds movie.

 

 

 

76 - 70% of human body is water. 70% of Chuck Norris body is his "genitalia".

 

 

 

77 - Paper owns Stone, stone owns scissors and scissors owns paper. Chuck Norris owns them all. At same time.

 

 

 

79 - When Chuck Norris plays "War", George Bush hides under his bed.

 

 

 

80 - Chuck Norris sleeps (mean... waits!) with a pillow under his gun.

 

 

 

81 - Godzilla is the japanese version of the visit of Chuck Norris to Japan.

 

 

 

82 - When Arnold Schwarzenegger said "I'll be back", he was going to ask Chuck Norris for some help.

 

 

 

83 - Chuck Norris doesn't follow trends. Trends follow Chuck Norris. Then, the Trends end. Because no one follows Chuck Norris without punishment.

 

 

 

85 - Chuck Norris will never die from heart attack. His heart is not fool enought to "attack" Chuck Norris.

 

 

 

86 - Chuck Norris knows what is the last number on the "Pi" sequence.

 

 

 

87 - When Chuck Norris wants to eat an egg, he breaks the chicken.

 

 

 

88 - After Tsunamis, Chuck Norris promised he will not wash his slippers in the sea again.

 

 

 

89 - At the first "Jurassic Park" movie the T-REX was not chasing the car. Chuck Norris was chasing the T-REX. And the car.

 

 

 

90 - On the ancient orient, there was a legend wich said that, in a full moon night, a child would be born of a dragon, would feed from the sacred fires, would become a brave warrior and would set the world free of all evil. This man is not Chuck Norris because Chuck Norris killed this man.

 

 

 

91 - Everything King Midas touched was turned into gold. Everything Chuck

 

Norris touches becomes mud. Including King Midas.

 

 

 

92 - Chuck Norris's heartbeat is mesured in the Richter Scale.

 

 

 

94 - In "The Dragon flight" movie, Bruce Lee kicks Chuck Norris down. When the cameras were off, Chuck Norris killed Bruce Lee. Chuck Norris hates fiction movies.

 

 

 

95 - Chuck Norris doesn't have blood, he have magma.

 

 

 

97 - Chuck Norris eats only 2 thing in his breakfast: Steven Seagal and Vin Diesel.

 

 

 

98 - Chuck Norris could never make part of the "Big Brother" Show. He would eliminate all other players at the hotel before going into the game.

 

 

 

100 - Chuck Norris wanted that the "doubtless truth" number 100 about him to come after the number 98.

[jaklumen]

It is rumored that Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer. The only problem is Chuck Norris never cries.

[uaos]

Ahh chuck norris, the manliest man to ever walk the man world,

 

 

 

You know, chuck norris eats rocks, and poops lightning bolts.

 

 

 

If you do not know who chuck norris is, he is the world champ in Tae kwon do, Jujutsu, kickboxing, karate, sumo, tae bo, pad thai, street fighter II, and holds a certificate of participation in the national spelling bee.

 

 

 

He has no weaknesses, he is the ultimate fighting machine. A movie producer ran into chuck norris, with a screenplay starring him versis king kong, gidorah, dracula, satan, charles bronson, and that russian boxer from Rocky IV, The movie was never made, simply because it was too far fetched, simply since nobody but nobody would stand a chance against chuck norris.

 

 

 

Chuck norris fought in almost every major war, including the korean war, world war I, The american civil war, The Peloponnesian war, the Iran-Iraq War(on both sides), the war of the worlds, and the War on drugs. The only war chuck hasn't fought in is the Macedonian war, because chuck doesnt give a poo about Macedonia, Chuck norris favorite foods are as followed:

 

 

 

-Whiskey

 

 

 

Sometimes chuck gets tired of whiskey, he'll eat bread, cheese, some tomato paste, and a handful of basil, which sounds like pizza, but it's not because chuck doesnt want to give the Italians the credit, Every now and then Chuck norris will sit down and eat an entire plate of sausage and onions for no reason.

[duckman18]

chuck norris made an energy drink out of his urine. he called it red bull.

[Flame_guy3]

Chuck farted and the jack and jill came tumbling after... WTF did i just say?

[warri0r45]

if global warming dont get ya, CHUCK WILL :ohnoes:

[misterbrain]

Don't know if this one has already been said, and I don't have time to check, but this is one of my favorites:

 

 

 

 

 

When an episode of "Walker, Texas Ranger" aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris, just in case.

 

 

 

 

 

This one is good too:

 

 

 

 

 

Chuck Norris once ate an entire birthday cake before his friends could tell him they hid a stripper inside.