Hey man, just trust me on this. Your grandfather might have used drugs, and drank, but without him, you wouldn't be alive right now, would you? I hate how my mother drinks. I just can't stand it when she used to come home drunk. But I still love my mom, and you should love 'em too. (I'm not sure about that relationship. In the last paragraph, you say you love and hate him?) If you're about to cry, just do it. At my friend's funeral, I didn't cry at all, and tried not to. I saw a picture and started pouring down tears. Just let it out. Sorry to hear about your loss. :(