Estonian dude

The fact that I can't bring myself to call a psychologist. Or to even talk to anyone on that topic. Just can't. I can dial the number and just not say anything.

Yesterday, saw a ballet for the first time in my life. With a guy. Today, saw Bad Grandpa. With a different guy. Sometimes I think I would be pretty successful if I changed my orientation. But NEVER!

What Muggy just described is how 90% of my nights out go. Just that we usually go with a bit larger crew. And clubs can take the same position, only instead of waiting in line you get to know people by dancing. Or well, lines aswell.

I know I am one [bleep]ing mess. But I am way too restrained to even talk about emotions when sober. Only place where I can let my emotions loose is this board. Not a single person who I know in real life knows even half of what I have written here on this board in different topics. This place is the only place where I dare to say anything about me. Except when I am drunk. Then I have spoken a few words about my thoughts and feelings about everything to my best friend and flatmate. And I have known him for 13 years. And even he doesn't know half of what I have written on these forums. He doesn't know that I had times when I seriously wanted to just kill myself. But alcohol does give me confidence. It enables me to speak with people, for chrissakes. It enables my mind to roll free and do things that I wouldn't do otherwise. Like dance. Or talk with a girl. Fun fact: I have never ever approached a hot stranger girl.

Okay, I should have explained that I can't speak to a stranger without a drink. If I already knew the girl I can speak to her alright. But I am weak and I have never even slept with a girl, so I can't really even answer that. Drinking is a weakness, but it makes me happy because then I can be me. I dare to say what I feel or think. And even then not to a girl. So I will drink if I want to. Not everyone was born to be confident.

I get what you are trying to say, but I have to disagree that everything and everyone is sad there. Now I am not much of a club person, only been to a club a few times in my life for I am a rather quieter bar-type fellow but the times I have been at a club they were cool. Company is the key and you can see some people who are just what have been described here but I personally know people who like clubs because there people can dance. And some seriously like dancing that much. Hooking up or anything is not the reason for them. And about drinking, as was said, alcohol is a social lubricant. I am unable to flirt or even speak with pretty girls when I am sober. I am too quiet and restrained to have fun.

Escape Velocity - The Chemical Brothers. Just a 12 minute electronical opus.

You, sir, make excellent potatos. Oh god, I am in love in the second photo with iceberg. I'd put it as my desktop wallpaper for all the devices that I own with the possible exception of my PS3. Seriously gorgeous combination with that ice and that sunset.

Turns out nothing serious happened. Today, I am losing internet for a few days. Internet on my laptop, that is, my mobile net is almost always available :) . Can't decide whether to go out with just a few mates or to go to this chemists and phyiscists meeting party. I am neither of those, but I know lots of people there. And I can't stop thinking about one girl...

It's not the dance that I meant. "Dirty" dancing or really close dancing is what I can't do. Anything else I am capable of. And it would be weird asking girl mates to teach me dirty dancing.

When the [bleep] did I post that last one? And today, I just got a text from my roommate that said he was disappointed in me and that I broke the pact of friendship. I have no idea how, Ihave done much worse stuff to him and I don't even know what I did wrong. Just after that girls from my previous class called me and asked me to join them. But I was already halfway to home and theoretically should have classes tomorrow. Anyways, tomorrow is gonna be interesting.

My knee wasn't really a problem. What was a problem is that I have never danced close with someone. And I don't know what to do in that case if a girl comes to me. Where to put my hands, how to move... Regular dancing on the floor is a piece of a cake, I have it more than fine. I know the rhythm perfectly since I have been involved in making music most of my life.

Today was the first time in my [bleep]ing life when I was approached by girls. Girls in plural. And it felt [bleep]ing amazing. Now tomorrow I am going to book a time for my open knee surgery. Not cool.

Today, I was approached by THREE(!) different hot girls who wanted to dance with me. And I [bleep]ing messed up every single time. I do not know hot to dance with someone. Specially sensually. I [bleep]ing had at least 2 of them in my pocket, IF ONLY I KNEW WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO DANCE. And now I am going to be out for months for my knee surgery. I hate myself.

Damn, that shit is expensive down there. Glad I live on the other side of the pond. And coverage has never been an issue. We have 4G LTE coverage almost everywhere now by the biggest operator with quite reasonable prices (around 25-30€ per month, unlimited data, speed capped at around 30 Mbit/s, I think), and coverage in major areas by the other providers. 2G is everywhere. Absolutely everywhere. Has been for ages. Well, our country also is only 45k square kilometres and we have no mountains or anything, so it isn't hard to get 100% covered.

Wow, I spend like 300 mb per day on my phone... Luckily it is a really contested market in here and for me it costs 10€ to get unlimited (well, 50 gb per month) mobile internet with the speed capped by 3,5g speed limit, which was 7,2 MBit/s I think.

You have a 200mb mobile data limit? Damn, unlucky you, our lowest start at 1 gb. Right now, came from a LAN party. Had beers and played with a great company. Started off with Age of Empires 2 which we played co-op against the bots. Lost to the hard bots within one hour while there was 5 of us and 3 bots. Then beat the medium bots in around 2 hours. Mind you, none of us is good at this game. Next up, played some Enemy Territory. Turns out, in FPSs there is one dude who is head and shoulders above the others. What also aids the cause is that I haven't played anything online for 2 years or so, but earlier we could go neck and neck. After ET we had Quake 3 Arena. Made for LAN. Such an epic game. And we finished off with MW2. All in all, I was there for like 12 hours. And was nice.

I have one similar thing already. But it doesn't really help if I am supposed to be not able to move my knee in any way. Or support on it. And mine doesn't really hold my patella in place, which means it is useless. I have the unhappy triad injury, which means at least 3 weeks of not doing anything without crutches or a physiotherapist. And that thigh bone injury. I have no [bleep]ing idea how bad this is or how this might affect me. Right now, everything I have done today involves me eating candy, sleeping and studying that [bleep]ing Chemistry. I have 6 tests in the next 2 weeks and a lab report in Chemistry in addition to the homework, which is massive, considering I was abroad for 3 weeks.

Not really, if the outcome is new cycling lanes/roads. Hell, I've cycled many thousands of kilometres within the last 2 years. Bicycle was my only means of transportation and my school was 30 km's away. So 100 km daytrips are nothing too much for me. And I have never had an accident with bicycle. Well, one that had involved anyone else, I have crashed on my own out of carelessness. But the thing is you HAVE to be aware of EVERYTHING around you. And as a cyclist, recognize that you are the weakest one. And right now I hate the most that I cannot cycle for at least 6 months, because I will be having an open knee surgery and the winter is coming. Which means that I will have to learn to use the public transportation around here, since I am not so hellbent on walking 5-6 miles on crutches every day just to get to my lectures.

Change is almost always a good thing. I know how you feel. The same changed to me this year at the start of the schoolyear now that I got to university. I already posted about it here aswell about how I realized that some people really are similar to me and try to do everything to make me more open about myself. And that I am not just a worthless freak.

Worst thing is, I live on the fourth floor of my dorm and we have no elevator. Oh also that I know jack shit about any public transportation, used my bicycle to get around, which is now impossible. But yeah, I just don't know what is gonna happen, if I will run and ride my bicycle again... For actually I could run with that broken knee. Well, I didn't have any pain at least. But that patella could go out any minute was a thing I didn't know either.

I think they plan on patching that stuff up. But I don't know. I really don't know anything other than that my doctor directly told me that my knee is [bleep]ed, in Estonian of course. Or well, not my doctor, the traumatologist who was there at the time. I will find out on Thursday, but since it is my patella that goes out, practically everything is broken. I also have a hole in the end of my thigh bone... And that is everything that was broken BEFORE my knee (patella) went out again on Wednesday. I had just been able to run for a month only. But I think that is forbidden or well, not possible for at least 2-3 months again. What is weird is that it doesn't hurt me to stand on that injured foot. Or walk with it. Actually it hasn't hurt at all. Didn't even hurt when patella went out on Wednesday. Only moment it hurt was when blood was taken out yesterday and then half an hour after it after which I could feel there was already new blood in my knee. I got a plaster cast, but it got broken already on the first day. It is from my ankle all the way up to more than halfway up my thigh, and I didn't have crutches until this morning. I feel like this plaster cast does nothing right now, even my orthosis (which actually was useless with my diagnosis, since it only held the sides of my knee, not my patella) held my foot a bit better. I know well enough not to move my knee more than a few degrees, since I am fairly certain it would hurt then. But honestly I haven't even tried. Right now this whole situation is one hell of a mess in my head. I am kinda stumped in university, since I just failed an exam with one single [bleep]ing point and I need to retake this aswell this Wednesday... I only got back from Indonesia on Sunday and now that immobility is really puttig a strain on me. And since I have a plaster cast so long I haven't really even realized how the [bleep] could I wash myself... I cannot put on socks on my own right now. I can't tie shoelaces or put on shoes without some stick either.

Yesterday, on some random sumo tournament with the costumes (the silly large rubber ones) I injured my knee again. So today went to see the doctor, and there they took out 60 ml of blood from my knee and told me the results of the MRI I had in the start of September. Apparently already in spring my knee was so [bleep]ed that I shouldn't have been standing on it. There were more broken parts in my knee than there were good parts. The conclusion of everything that was broken was about half an a4 page. For example, in a knee there are 3 main ligaments: ACL, MCL and PCL. I have completely torn ACL and MCL and injured PCL. Rips on both of my menisci. And so on. Turns out, I am going to be having an open surgery on my knee. Which is pretty [bleep]ed. Any sports are probably gone, forever.

Dude, with that kind of money you can do practically everything. I was just 3 weeks in Indonesia with the total cost of around 1000€, out of which 350 were the plane tickets. A regular weeklong trip in Europe for us is like €100 per person, if we go by car. Then again, we are bargain hunters and can't afford any more...

Apparently I have become the Gay Best Friend for more than one girl... As in, not actually gay, but the one they share secrets with and ask advice from. Didn't really see that one coming.