It seems to be written slightly childishly and the description and flow could be lots better in some places. However the storyline and ideas seem to be very interesting. I do really admire the quote you based it on - Technology has reached it's highest peaks... etc, it's true. I suggest that once you've written a certain amount, say, a paragraph, read through it aloud and make any changes you want to make, add more descriptive words, etc, join sentences up, until it sounds perfect aloud. I think you've got a great imagination and this story has alot of potential. Just keep going, and editing. Some authors write about 50 drafts of a story before they've decided it's right. It's not bad so far.