fake rs updates

FTTW · July 11, 2005

Dear Players,

After watching a hell of a lot of anime, we have decided tat Runescape doesn't have enough Asian influence on it. Therefore, whenever someone casts a spell, they will shout "HIYUKAN!"

-Rock Golems now fill up the whole screen and shoot huge balls of fire while shouting "Help me Asume!"

-The cook on Tutorial Island will now ask you "How would you like cook your steak?"

-We have added the items "Aincient Scrolls", in which you can summon Dragonball Z characters.

-We have added NEW talismans(thank you Jackie Chan Adventures!) that each give you special powers.

-We have two new quests. The first of which goes along with the new Farming skill. It is entitled "Fire in the Rice Pattie!". The second new quest is called "Viet-Cong on Karamja".

-And last, but not least, new holiday items will include Straw Hats, Princess Mononoke daggers, and Fireworks, among others.

Have fun gaming!

--Andrew

Omegakairi · July 12, 2005

Dear Players,

After watching a hell of a lot of anime, we have decided tat Runescape doesn't have enough Asian influence on it. Therefore, whenever someone casts a spell, they will shout "HIYUKAN!"

-Rock Golems now fill up the whole screen and shoot huge balls of fire while shouting "Help me Asume!"

-The cook on Tutorial Island will now ask you "How would you like cook your steak?"

-We have added the items "Aincient Scrolls", in which you can summon Dragonball Z characters.

-We have added NEW talismans(thank you Jackie Chan Adventures!) that each give you special powers.

-We have two new quests. The first of which goes along with the new Farming skill. It is entitled "Fire in the Rice Pattie!". The second new quest is called "Viet-Cong on Karamja".

-And last, but not least, new holiday items will include Straw Hats, Princess Mononoke daggers, and Fireworks, among others.

Have fun gaming!

--Andrew

LOL

Omegakairi · July 12, 2005

Dear Players,

This may seem unusual to you but i assure you it is necessary. Today this e-mail is not coming from Andrew, making out he's a god, im sick of that ****. He has not given me enough credit over the years and i feel i have very little to do with Runescape anymore, I don't get paid enough for this sort of thing, so i have decided that i am taking over Runescape muahahahahahah.

A side note: i'm sick of Andrew always taking up the larger half of our bed.

Paul (New owner of Runescape).

eloi44 · July 12, 2005

rodl :lol:

those are all hilarious :lol:

i think updates effing zez over wud be funnier tho

willyhenriksen · July 12, 2005

here we go!!

New summoning spells!

Thank you all RS players! Thanks to you, we have collected enough money to purchase Pokemon from Nintendo! They also sold it to us for a low price because they said something about it being unpopular. Anyway, you may now summon 150 new Pokemon with the new spells you have!

These spells took up too much memory for us, sowe decided to remove all Ancient magics, teleport spells, and alchemy spells, as these were the ones being used most frequently.

Finally, we didn't bother hiring a translator because it was too expensive.

Enjoy your new Japanese spells!

Happy Gaming!

Another one:

This is the moment you've been waiting for!

Due to the low number of monsters and hard accessibilityy of high level monsters, there will be 8 bronze, iron, or steel dragons outside every bank and general store. You are guarenteed to go right into combat! These dragons have special prayer that turn all your food into rotten food and drain your prayer and use Protect from Mage/Melee/Rage. Also, dragonfire shields are anti-dragonfire potions will have no effect!

Happy Gaming!

Another one:

Dear Players,

Due to many complaints from rangers that they are underpowered, we have added in new ranger weapons, guns!

These guns can be bought for 1gp at Lowe's archery store in Varrock and require no ammo.

They give a +10000000 bonus to ranged attack. In testing the mods have been able to 1 hit the Kalphite Queen!

Also, now all melee armour gives -205 range def.

We hope these updates will make rangers able to compete with the other classes again.

Happy Gaming!

Another one:

POH!

Yes, rejoice Runescape players because the long awaited player owned houses are finally here! Due to the huge number of whiners saying "omgzorz 1 w4nt p0H!!1!!" we have worked day and night to release it! New houses can be bought for 100k in Varrock, Falador or Ardougne.

Note: Due to the immense rush to bring these out you may experience a few bugs. For example, no trees/fishing spots/rocks etc may be added to your house. Also, whenever you say the letter "e" you will be teleported to your house. On opening the door of your house, all your most valuable items in your bank will go to your inventory, you will be skulled and 2 KQs will appear in front of you. We hope to fix these bugs sometime in the next few years.

Happy Gaming!

Another one:

Dear all RuneScape players. Today, we had had to ban all of our members for abusing an extremely common bug. This bug started your combat level at 3 instead of 1. We hope that all of our members learn from this, and remember to use the report bug abuse button.

Happy Gaming,

RuneScape Staff

On the main page: Number of people playing: 0"

Hi RuneScapers!

Today will see the release of DisneyScape! A themepark for players to have fun. Magic is closer than it seems! (Requires level 70 magic to enter the park).

*Due to a bug there is a level 564 mickey mouse with unlimited prayers and weilding an abyssal whip on the loose. Please do not abuse the full mickey mouse costume that it drops if you do managed to kill it*

Dear Runescapers,

Today our customers were complaining about the high costs of membership, making us lose members. We have decided to make the costs 0.01 cents per month!

Happy Gaming,

Mod Useless

Another one:

Today we had been told from players there was a few bugs with the kalphite queen. We have now made it slightly easier to beat.

When fighting the kalphite queen, If you eat food it will deal an EXTRA 20 damage to it!

The kalphite queen has 4Hp, 1 form, and drops dragon chain 100%.

The Kalphite Queen now doesn't use protect prayers!

Happy wrecking the economy,

Mod Imakeuselessupdates

This is what we will see on the 1st of august

Dear players,

Many people are complaining about farming not being released when we said it would. However, we did clearly state that it would be out in July, which we thought obviously meant July 2006. Anyone we see complaining about this will be banned for life and we will give your adress to terrorists

Happy gaming,

mod moron

Dear Players,

Paul and myself have decided to raise the price of membership to $15 per month because our parents are now making us pay for our learner's permits, microwavable pizzas, and ramen noodles. What's next mother? Rent?

Not to worry though, with more money comes new advantages over the free players. As most of you know, other than the ranging additions and that pathetic new "dungeon" under Draynor, we've pretty much given no attention to our free players, because they're ungrateful hippie scum who think they can get anything for free. Excuse me, I'm still mad at our parents. I'm so not talking to them for a week.

Anyway, we have decided to add a new chapter to the story that is Runescape. This chapter, literally and not, is entitled "Paul and I Totally * Over All the Free Players By Releasing the Demons of Hell Upon Lumbridge, Draynor, Al Kharid, Falador, Edgeville, and Whatever Those Other Pathetic Towns Are Called". New free players will have a surprise when they arrive on the mainland from Tutorial Island. They will have the task of running to the Lumbridge guide while attempting to dodge a level 200 or so dragon. Oops! We told you to get that Anti-Dragon Shield! Idiots...

We have also decided to take away all the mines, yew trees, nature runes, law runes, or anything of similar value to free players, making it virtually impossible to make a profit of any kind.

In addition, we have drenched everything in free worlds of Runescape with motor oil, thus, when you set a fire, it spreads. Woops, didn't mean to start a forest fire! Also, whenever you die, you go down 5 combat levels as well as lose all of your possessions. Level 3-7s that die will automatically be banned and mailed a bill for wasting other Runescape players' time and items.

We have also made it so that you need a knife and fork to eat any type of fish. NOTE: Jagex has no plans of creating knives and forks.

We have also muted all free players.

NOW FOR THE MEMBERS UPDATES:

Members will be pleasantly surprised that they can use their member items in the free world, but cannot trade them to free players. You are also able to attack any free player anywhere, thus rendering the Wilderness usless, right? Wrong! We have added a new mini-game called "Capture the F2p silly persons". In this mini-game, you will have endless fun using fishing nets to capture free players and drag them in a cage into the wilderness where you hook them up to a crane and slowly lower them into the boiling hot lava.

As you read earlier, all free players are muted. But what you didn't know is that all members can say WHATEVER THE * THEY WANT! WOOT!

Alright, Paul and I are about to run to the supermarket to pick up some Uncle Ben's rice bowls. Damn parents. You just wait until I move out of your god damn basement.

--Andrew

Just for you, baby:

Dear Players,

We have noticed that many of you have chosen to be wed all across Runescape for many reasons. We respect your decisions and understand the responsibility that being married brings upon a young person(even if you don't). Therefore, we have created a few new emotes such as:

"Make Out"

"Drunken Whistle"

"Strip Tease"

"Full Monty"

and the ever popular "Take Off All Your Clothes Except for a Sports Bra and Eagerly Wash a '67 Camero"

NOTE: These apply to both genders

Although the married life might be wonderful, we still care about our depressed players that just can't seem to get it right(we can relate ). So for all of you Bright Eyes fans, we have created a new dungeon on Karamja which includes a number of ways to virtually commit suicide, such as some interactive gallows, a couple cliffs to jump off of, and just POSSIBLY some train tracks! We've also spread out some shotguns along the dungeon, if you favor the fast way out.

Those wishing to end their lives on Runescape might want to know that once you die, you are reincarted as whatever we want. We'll get back to you in a few days or so. That's right everyone, WE'RE BUDDHISTS!

Oh yeah and anyone wishing to convert to Buddhism, we've added a Buddhist church in Falador below the west bank.

--Andrew

Dear Players,

We have changed "Gold Pieces" to "Wampam" because we are trying to promote Native American awareness. That is all.

--Andrew

December 16th, 2001:

Dear Players,

In light of recent events, we feel it is important to be patriotic within America. And if you're not American, we don't care about you.

Whenever you walk into Lumbridge, you will hear the National Anthem.

Whenever you walk into Varrock, you will hear "God bless America".

Whenever you walk into the barbarian village, you will hear "My Land is Your Land".

Thank you.

--Andrew

Dear RS Players,

We regrettably have to inform you Runescape will be closing down (due to matters out of our hands).

My brother, My dear brother Paul has been gunned down by an angry mob of Ex-RS players, The cause of which is yet unknown. I fail to see why people would do this as we have provided them many hours of happy gaming.

But before matters get worse (and im targetted next), I am closing RS down. Those of you who wish to argue about Runescapes' unfortunate demise can take it out with Jagex HQ's bouncer. Which in a desperate attempt to protect my own life I had to pay the remaining amount of the members budget to get his protection (just warning you he is phsycally huge and stands at around 7' tall). I know that the true blow of all this for you and me is that im going to have to sell my beloved helicopter just to pay my mum keep as I will be out of work for a while. I am struggling to find anyone willing to take on a 36-year old male specimen with poor grades, and weighing in at only 124 lbs I cannot even get physical work, it seems like all hope is lost.

Yours sincerely Andrew.

Dear paying customers,

Please donate just one pound a month to Paul Gower funding project.

We have been unable to feed him for a few days now and without your help.. he could die. We can save this poor soul, if we all just join together and take one for the team. He is surely starving by now, and i just can't pay him anymore as he is not pulling his weight around Jagex HQ (my mum's basement).

Dear Players,

Jagex has some great news to inform you. I have finally been kicked out of my home, by my parents(Andrew) and have gotten myself a flat, and its time to tell you that ive finally reached my target amount of cash recieved from customers and ads. I now have no need for Runescape anymore so it will be closed down, and would like to thank all of you suckers who paid for membership. with a special thanks to one person in particular, im sure you have all heard of him.. Zezima! thats right and because he has paid me so much money over the years i am sending him a free Andrew Gower designer T-shirt with my face on it! entitling the slogan Just get on with your life.

That is all, with thanks Andrew.

P.S its a really nice flat ;p

Dear Players,

After watching a hell of a lot of anime, we have decided tat Runescape doesn't have enough Asian influence on it. Therefore, whenever someone casts a spell, they will shout "HIYUKAN!"

-Rock Golems now fill up the whole screen and shoot huge balls of fire while shouting "Help me Asume!"

-The cook on Tutorial Island will now ask you "How would you like cook your steak?"

-We have added the items "Aincient Scrolls", in which you can summon Dragonball Z characters.

-We have added NEW talismans(thank you Jackie Chan Adventures!) that each give you special powers.

-We have two new quests. The first of which goes along with the new Farming skill. It is entitled "Fire in the Rice Pattie!". The second new quest is called "Viet-Cong on Karamja".

-And last, but not least, new holiday items will include Straw Hats, Princess Mononoke daggers, and Fireworks, among others.

Have fun gaming!

--Andrew

Dear Players,

This may seem unusual to you but i assure you it is necessary. Today this e-mail is not coming from Andrew, making out he's a god, im sick of that ****. He has not given me enough credit over the years and i feel i have very little to do with Runescape anymore, I don't get paid enough for this sort of thing, so i have decided that i am taking over Runescape muahahahahahah.

A side note: i'm sick of Andrew always taking up the larger half of our bed.

Paul (New owner of Runescape).

Dear Players,

It's about time that I reveal the truth about us and our company. My real name is Andrew Flower and Paul's name is Alfred, but who cares about him?

Anyway, I am in charge of 1-800-Flowers, and all of you have fallen for our latest scam. Runescape is actually called "Flowerscape"(well, now it is). That's right! This is the uprising of the flowers! Levels 100+ might be able to survive, but it's still unlikely. There are giant roses everywhere! Giant daphadills! Giant everything! They shoot pollen! They make you sneeze! Mwahahahahaha!!!

WE WILL GIVE YOU ASTHMA! FOREVER!!

--Andrew Flower, 1-800-Flowers

Title Jagex is moving up in the world..

Dear players,

Jagex has announced before that it's not going to stop in online gaming.

we are in production of Runescape for the x-box im sure you will be thrilled with this transition, as some players have said Runescape does not have what it takes graphically to match the best games on the X-box.. fingers crossed that our beloved game will flourish.

Next Stop: The World...

With thanks Andrew. (You can start calling me Greater Gower, that has a nice ring to it.

After much thought I have decided to call Paul, Lesser

Gower.

It has also come to my attention (addressed by the players) that i also have a third brother :o. He goes by the name of Ian Gower, the name i will dubb him is 'Goblin Gower' the most inferior form of Gower.

FTTW · July 12, 2005

Dear Players,

It's about time that I reveal the truth about us and our company. My real name is Andrew Flower and Paul's name is Alfred, but who cares about him?

Anyway, I am in charge of 1-800-Flowers, and all of you have fallen for our latest scam. Runescape is actually called "Flowerscape"(well, now it is). That's right! This is the uprising of the flowers! Levels 100+ might be able to survive, but it's still unlikely. There are giant roses everywhere! Giant daphadills! Giant everything! They shoot pollen! They make you sneeze! Mwahahahahaha!!!

WE WILL GIVE YOU ASTHMA! FOREVER!!

--Andrew Flower, 1-800-Flowers

Codeman12 · July 14, 2005

omg so funny

Omegakairi · July 14, 2005

Dear Players,

Because we hate 'Pures so much' yes, so called 'pures' we are going to make a change around here, thats right.. the word 'pure' will now be changed to 'inferior player'. Anyone using the word 'pure' will be banned, no exuses. There will also be some adjustments to the pk system. Normal players will have a new prayer called protect from 'inferior players' this means that the 'inferior players' will hit quarter the damage as before. This can also be used in conjunction with protect from melee.

That is all, Andrew and Jagex(the company that cares).

Omegakairi · July 14, 2005

Dear Players,

You have been playing our game for a long time, and i realise we have been hard on you and very cold to take your cash away from you without listening to whats best for you. Today we will make a change. We are going to start listening to players more often, and have decided to change mauls, whips and rangers to the way they were before. We thank all of you for sticking with our game through these hardships. Its time to return something back to the community, and I sincerly hope you enjoy playing the newer nicer Runescape.

With thanks, Andrew(i'm sure you'll agree i'm teh own4g3)

Date April 1: April fool's :twisted:

jammy316 · July 14, 2005

December 16th, 2001:

Dear Players,

In light of recent events, we feel it is important to be patriotic within America. And if you're not American, we don't care about you.

Whenever you walk into Lumbridge, you will hear the National Anthem.

Whenever you walk into Varrock, you will hear "God bless America".

Whenever you walk into the barbarian village, you will hear "My Land is Your Land".

Thank you.

--Andrew

Awful considering Jagex are brits...

Dear paying customers,

Please donate just one pound a month to Paul Gower funding project.

We have been unable to feed him for a few days now and without your help.. he could die. We can save this poor soul, if we all just join together and take one for the team. He is surely starving by now, and i just can't pay him anymore as he is not pulling his weight around Jagex HQ (my mum's basement).

quote="Omegakairi"]Dear RS Players,

We regrettably have to inform you Runescape will be closing down (due to matters out of our hands).

My brother, My dear brother Paul has been gunned down by an angry mob of Ex-RS players, The cause of which is yet unknown. I fail to see why people would do this as we have provided them many hours of happy gaming.

But before matters get worse (and im targetted next), I am closing RS down. Those of you who wish to argue about Runescapes' unfortunate demise can take it out with Jagex HQ's bouncer. Which in a desperate attempt to protect my own life I had to pay the remaining amount of the members budget to get his protection (just warning you he is phsycally huge and stands at around 7' tall). I know that the true blow of all this for you and me is that im going to have to sell my beloved helicopter just to pay my mum keep as I will be out of work for a while. I am struggling to find anyone willing to take on a 36-year old male specimen with poor grades, and weighing in at only 124 lbs I cannot even get physical work, it seems like all hope is lost.

Yours sincerely Andrew.

Thought those 2 were hillarious.

Omegakairi Is a legend at these dude, hes hillarious.

Omegakairi · July 14, 2005

Title Jagex is moving up in the world..

Dear players,

Jagex has announced before that it's not going to stop in online gaming.

we are in production of Runescape for the x-box im sure you will be thrilled with this transition, as some players have said Runescape does not have what it takes graphically to match the best games on the X-box.. fingers crossed that our beloved game will flourish.

Next Stop: The World...

With thanks Andrew. (You can start calling me Greater Gower, that has a nice ring to it.

After much thought I have decided to call Paul, Lesser

Gower.

It has also come to my attention (addressed by the players) that i also have a third brother :o. He goes by the name of Ian Gower, the name i will dubb him is 'Goblin Gower' the most inferior form of Gower.

myg0t · July 14, 2005

LOL this one made me laugh.Level 3-7s that die will automatically be banned and mailed a bill for wasting other Runescape players' time and items.

muzau · July 14, 2005

Lol The POH one is great

ixfd64 · July 15, 2005

Here's one I'd like to see:

18 July, 2005 - RuneScape Classic source code released!

Because we are heavily biased towards RS2, we might as well release the RS-Classic source code. Do whatever you want with the source code, and we hope that you can make a better game than we do!

The Jagex Team

spsmith · May 27, 2006

Dear runescape players,

I am please to inform you that we have the ditched the whole idea about free playing, because we are too lazy to make updates. Also we have decided to raise the cost of membership to $10 $12 by phone. If you have a problem with this message, please conntact us at the customer support section.

__________

Mod Andrew

Edit: We have close the customer support section because of the too many repiles, that we consider hate mail. This mail has desspressed us so we are closing down the whole network to recover.

Do you like it?

AznElliot518 · May 27, 2006

Pretty funnny

neogeo0823 · May 27, 2006

why did you bump a nearly year old thread? geez... lately it seems like people are just itching to clean up the unlocked threads resting peacfully in the abyss... :?

Risen_The · May 27, 2006

Don't bump old threads...

Although this was quite funny. :lol:

Buddy69 · May 27, 2006

Lol yip funny thread. Too bad it was 1 year old :)

mad4beanies · May 27, 2006

hehe, if people can think of more it could be worth adding to, it is a nice topic , however old

superson · May 27, 2006

it was funny, but not quite enough to bump it up when it's one year old

Mirror · May 27, 2006

it was funny, but not quite enough to bump it up when it's one year old

Oh and your mad posting count deams it unworthy? Wow, why do people flame people for bumping old posts. He added something to it, which is allowed. So instead of spamming, maybe add to the topic.

We are sorry to say, but we have removed all valuable items from free worlds. There are now fine logs and dull logs. Fine logs are only allowed to fletch and burn. Dull logs are only fro f2p and can only be dropped and burned up to willows.

Happy Scaping!

malo2 · May 27, 2006

wow....did you copy paste these from the runescape fourms. Because i have seen these same ones there to.

x2

godsfearme · May 27, 2006

Bumping old threads are against the rules. I once got banned for two weeks for doing that.

aznmidget448 · May 27, 2006

Amazing i haven't seen this thread before... Pretty funny if you ask me. :D Thanks for randomly bumping it, lol.

fake rs updates

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