Noxx

On the topic of tall/short girls, i don't know why but i have always had a strong attraction to taller women. I'm 6' i think, might be 6'1" and i've found myself almost searching for girls that stare me in they eye. Granted most of them were wearing like 6'' heels at the time. I've always been a big leg person. I love a girl with great legs. Tall girls have more leg, haha. On a different note... The girl i was in the "love triangle" with... well i decided to stop it. The other day she came back from a short trip back home. I saw her that night and we had a conversation that took a bit of a weird turn. Now a while back she told me she could offer me nothing more than her friendshit (no typo, i just believe that a former lover saying she still wants to be friends is utter shit). I accepted because i still liked spending time with her even though it was not in the bed. We have great chemistry and i feel like when i'm with her i can talk for hours. Whenever we spend time together 90% of the time we're laughing and 100% of the time we're having a great time. But things got a bit strange. As we were talking she told me she had to go back home next month for a week or two and she would really like it if i went with her. Now this was an hour or two after she once again told me we could only be friends for now, since she's kind of seeing the other guy and she thinks it might get serious. I was a bit mad when she asked me this. Asking someone to go to their house, live with them for a week, spend time with not only her but her family... that's kind of a big deal no matter how you look at it. I realise there's the "only as a friend" possibility, but i don't really think that applies in this situation. So i actually thought about it for a day and thought it would be fun, but then the other day kind of decided i was sick of this. I've been very quiet with her the entire week and have avoided seeing her. She would often text me and ask me if she could come over but i'd make up an excuse or tell her now wasn't a good time because i'm studying. I don't think she's really getting the hint though, haha. But to be quite honest, i'm not going to tell her straight up either. I'm not exactly sure what has gotten in to me the past two weeks. I feel that since i have started therapy (man i sound like a loony), my perspective on so many things have changed. We went out tonight and i started a conversation with an extremely pretty girl, just for the heck of it. I saw a ton of guys hitting on her and thought that it would be fun to make fun of her because of it. We shared a few laughs and i left. 15 minutes later her friend comes to me and asks me what my problem is, why didn't i get her friend's number. Kind of occurred to me that i didn't ask for her number. I guess it just slipper my mind or something. I guess it was like fishing and then letting the fish go after catching it. Also, i suppose the fact that i didn't ask for her number gave her the impression that i didnt desire her, which made me all the more desirable. Oh how mind games can be fun. I still didn't ask for her number though. Told her if she wanted to see me again i'll be back tomorrow night, so we'll see what happens. Also ran into a girl i was seeing for a brief period tonight. We talked for a while and she said that she noticed a change in my tone, and she found it very attractive. Which got me thinking... I guess in a way i have a bit of a "whatever" attitude when it comes to girls right now. I don't mean to sound cliche but i guess if it's meant to be... it will be. So i find myself trying a lot less in term of hooking up with girls. I talked to a girl earlier tonight. Actually she was a friend of a friend and she was kinda cute so i thought i'd talk to her. After about two minutes i found myself not knowing what to say to her and there was that awkward silence. I told her that the awkward silence is a bad sign, so i'm going to sneak away now and let her get back to her friends. Bit of an odd approach i know, but hey i'm not going to stand there feeling uncomfortable with a girl i don't know, don't care about, etc. just to maybe get a number (then work even harder, pretend even more, to eventually find out that she doesn't want a one night stand "but we can still be friends"). I also saw "slutty girl" tonight. Not sure who still remembers her, but basically she's a girl i've been wanting to bed. Tried talking to her once, got shot down so bad. But not gonna give up yet. She stared at me all night. Smiled at me when we made eye contact, but i kept a stone face. Didn't smile. Pretended i didn't notice/know her. She walked passed me on the way to the toilet, said hey and smiled. I just nodded at her. She looked a bit offended, but now i know she's going to be the one chasing me, which is more or less going to be [bleep]ing brilliant. I think out of everything that's going on in my love life right now, that is the only thing i still really want to experience haha. Funny the only reason i wanted to post was to give my opinion on tall/short girls. Not sure where the rest came from......

Had a bit of a fun experience this weekend. We went out. Saw this girl pretty much soon as we got there. She gave me a few looks throughout the night. I wasn't really in the mood to try and chat someone up, so i kinda just ignored it. She called me over at one point though, and told me she wanted to talk to me. So i'm like alright let's talk. She told me that i reminded her of the lead singer of Taking Back Sunday (Adam Burbank Lazzara. So i'm standing there trying to figure out the point of why she's telling me this, with kind of a "get on with it" look on my face. She went on to say that she found him extremely attractive, so i'm on the right track. Now this girl, extremely hot, but she knows it. Has a bit of an attitude from what i could see during the night. Not typically the girl i would go for, but heck one night stand material. So i decided to have a go. We start talking about some random crap and before i know it we had been talking for nearly an hour. So i told her i was going to excuse myself and get back to my friends. About 5 minutes before closing time she cones up to me and says someone just bought her a shot of Patron but she hates tequila so i should have it. I'm standing there joking about how i shouldn't take it cause she might be trying to drug me or something. And this is when it happened. My drunk, [wagon] friend, snaps the glass from my hand and says something along the lines of "well alright then i'll drink it" nearly spilling the stuff all over me. She found that very unfitting (and so did i to be honest), and kind of left with a disgusted look on her face. I felt like kicking a baby at that point. She did however find me on Facebook somehow, sent me a msg saying it was nice to meet me, sorry the night ended the way it did. I gave her my apologies for the [wagon] as well (he's actually more of a friend of a friend). I told her we should go out some time and continue our conversation (it was about 11pm Saturday night when i sent this). She replied by saying that she was free now... and so it began, haha. I really wish more girls would be like this. Be a bit more modern and not wait for a guy to approach them. Girls might not realise it but a lot of guys find it very complimenting when girls approach them. And to be honest it makes me feel like a champ when a hot girl calls me over, and the whole bat can see it. Especially when several guys have hit on her during the night. Just makes you wanna smile :D

Yeah i know that with 50 Def i'll probably suffer a bit, which is why i was thinking of taking a Shield perhaps, and using Rejuv (i think that's the one) when needed. I dn't have Drygore weapons and i really doubt any of my friends do either. Best we have is Chaotic, but i assume that should still be fine.

Me and a few friends have been thinking about doing some GWD including Nex. Most of us are pretty average players with average gear like Bandos and stuff. I think most of them are maxed or close to maxed in terms of combat except for me. I have 50 Def. I was just wondering in terms of gear what we should be using? Is it better to use Melee now?

What's cookin good lookin.

Well let me clear some things up. The reason i asked what i asked earlier was simply because i've never really been in this situation before. True, i was seeing more than one girl at a time not long ago. But the reality of the matter is that they were never aware of it. I'm sure i've said this a few times, but girls here don't seem to want anything other than a long term relationship (something i can't offer them). The reasons i stopped seeing multiple girls are as follows: 1) I felt really bad about what i was doing. Although i never lied to any of them about my sex life, i was never fully honest. None of them ever asked me if i was seeing anyone else, they kind of just assumed i wasn't. So i never had to lie to them. But omission is betrayal, or so i believe. Especially in a relationship. So i decided that they actually do deserve better than someone that's betraying them every other day. 2) If i were to tell them about what was going on, and by god they actually accept it, it means that i would have to be okay with them hooking up with other guys. When it comes to girls, i'm extremely selfish and protective (jealous). I was never really sure how i would react if , say, i was to go out and see her and another guy. And i'm not really sure how or what i would think about them having sex. It's just weird. I know it's probably a small issue, but maybe i'm just not mature enough to deal with it yet. So to clarify, i guess i stopped seeing other girls mostly because i was tired of lying to them, haha. We still see each other quite often, we still hang out, but there's pretty much nothing sexual going on unless red wine plays a role. Now with the neighbor girl, a big reason for why i felt the way i did was based on my friends reaction. He was a bit disgusted that she could just hop from one guy to another so fast. And i kind of thought that to be the normal response. Like i said, i'm still not sure how i should feel about it. I mean right now, with the way my life is currently going, having someone across the road that can relieve my stress whenever i feel like is a great thing. The fact that some other guy is doing the same thing...eh i don't really think it will bother me too much as long as he doesn't talk about it and she doesn't talk about it haha. I doubt i'd want to hear about their sex life. Best idea, next time it happens, i guess is just to not tell my friend about it?

I don't mean to Hi-Jack or anything, but i'm going to hit 90 DG soon as well. I already have a CCS, Blood Neck, Sagi Short and Top + Bottom of the Armour i can wear (50 Def). I broke my Hood when i got BN (i forgot i could just bind it and still keep the hood, lol). I have 80 Atk and should hit 99 Str soon-ish. Was wondering what i should do about the next bind though. Would Melee be worth it, ie having tribrid? Or would a defensive bind be of more value. Right now whenever i DG it's usually with people who are a bit better than me, and also have higher Def, so they seem to leave a lot of food. I've not died in a DG more than once in a very long time (and this is without trying to stay alive). SS seems to heal me up for the most parts along with food drops and such. I've not yet had to waste any time to get health back (nor will i, if i have to die for hp then so be it). But i was wondering, based on this, would tribrid be the smartest way to go?

*Sigh* So a few months ago a girl moved in to the house opposite mine. We would talk in passing every now and then. She lived with one of my friends, so i spent quite a lot of time there. About two or three weeks after she moved in, i got a bit tipsy the one night. We started texting each other when i got home, and long story short she spent the night. The following day i was over at her house again. Me and my friend were playing xBox. She sat down next to me as we played. It was a bit awkward to be honest. That night though, she spent the night again. I was a bit confused about what was happening, cause it's not something i've really ever done before. This kind of became a regular thing. She would come over probably about 5 times a week. At the time, i was pretty much in heaven. I tried not to think about the emotional side of things. We actually never really spoke much during the day. It was just at night. So my logic told me that this was just about sex. And i had a conversation with her about a week or two after she moved in and she told me about her ex who hurt her, and stuff like that. She continued to tell me that now she just wanted to have fun, and she always gets what she wants. Even more reason for me to believe it was just about sex. So eventually my friend (her roommate) found out what was going on between us (i told him after an awkward moment where he told me he was going to try make a move on her). So the two of us started talking and he told me that he thinks she's been doing the same thing with the guy that lives next to me. I kind of had a suspicion from the start, but something told me that it wasn't really true. Now something i need to make clear is that she's one of the only hot girls in pretty much an all guys flight school. She gets a lot of attention from all the guys around here. Within the first two weeks so many guys asked to take her out to lunch/dinner. Every guy was trying to get in her pants. A lot of guys claimed to have hooked up with her and some even claimed to have gotten further. But this was a chap tactic used to try and "scare" others off. Make them think you already got with her, and that it's going to happen regularly. This way other guys will probably give up meaning you're not going to have competition. So a lot of what other guys said, i didn't really believe. I never told anyone that her and I were having sex on a very regular basis, because i guess i just didn't want people to know. So anyway, it seemed like people started backing off eventually. They kind of realised she was [bleep]ing somone, they just didn't know who. I'm almost certain that she and my neighbor did have sex once or twice, but this was before anything between us started so it didn't really bother me. A few weeks ago, pretty much 3 weeks ago actually, we kind of stopped talking as much. I was having a hard time getting over really bad food poisoning and a cold at the same time, so i spent half the day in bed sleeping. I didn't really talk to her much for the entire time. Then the one night, probably around 4 am i went outside for a cigarette. My sleeping pattern was very messed up, so i would pretty much sleep till 4 or 5 pm, then go to bed in the early mornings at like 8 or 9 am. Anyway i noticed her car was gone. Didn't think much of it at the time, but the for the rest of the week when i went outside at similar times her car would not be there. I knew something was up, but i didn't want to jump to any conclusions and i wasn't really sure if i cared. Then me and my friend started talking the one night, and he asked me if i thought she was [bleep]ing someone else. I wasn't sure where the conversation was going, but i mentioned to him that i noticed her car had been gone at night pretty much the entire week. Then he told me.... He said that he knows where she's been. And it was a mutual friend of ours. This friend never knew something was going on between her and I, so he was not at fault. At first i was kind of shocked. But at the same time i was not sure whether or not this news really bothered me at all. I pretty much stopped talking to her altogether for a while. But the other day she was over at my house, helping my room mate with one of his flight plans. She walked past my room and i could smell her perfume as she passed. Later that day i spoke to her, and she ended up at my house later that night. Nothing happened though. It was getting really close to the point, but i faked getting a foot cramp (i know this sounds odd, but i get a lot of foot cramps [apparently it's an iron deficiency]) so i could sit up and get myself in a less comfortable position. I felt kind of weird about having sex with her, knowing that the night before she was at my friends house probably doing the same thing i was about to do. She left a shortly after, but told me she would be back (by that she meant another day). She asked to come over tonight, but i kind of told her I wasn't up for company. She said she would stop by tomorrow night, no questions asked. I'm in a place right now where i would pretty much rip her clothes off before she's properly in the house. We seem to have great sexual chemistry. Sex is really good. But on the other hand i have an extreme emotional block right now. I mean, i don't like her/love her, but something seems very off. I don't know if i feel comfortable with what could be happening. A part of me wants to ask her why she has been away from home so often at night the past few days, or tell her that i know she's [bleep]ing another guy (she has no idea i know). But i don't know if it's a good idea. I just don't want her to think that i'm a fool, or anything like that. But i don't want to cause any unnecessary awkwardness. I'm actually a bit confused right now.

I realised today how much i'm turning into my late grandfather. He was the kind of man that never gave you a straight answer. You would ask him something, and he would always tell you a story about the answer he was about to give you. It could be a very simple question, but it will always follow the same trend. I went to school today and someone asked me something silly. They asked me to choose between a Snickers or a Mars. I started telling them about how i used to love peanut butter, and how i find the peanuts in the Snickers along with the rest of the shit they put in there just makes it superior to anything else. A 2 second answer turned into a 5 minute discussion... This happens a lot these days :|

Luckily that is true. But that probably applies mostly to people 60+. I'd like to think that by the time i get to that age (maybe 65+ rather) i'll be looking for something different too. But up to a certain age your happiness with a partner is going to rely mostly on one thing, and up until i reach that age i'd like to get it how i want it. I can almost guarantee that most men whose wives are now unattractive thought the exact same thing. "Oh my sweet little angel would never do that!" Again, this isn't something you can "screen" for. You won't know until you've already placed your bets. Not smart. I'm not sure how to respond to this. I've typed out probably 5 responses each bearing pretty much the same message, but it leaves too much room for misinterpretation. But basic thought is, if you find yourself in that situation, divorce.

Yes, people getting unattractive because of old age is something that is inevitable and we expect it to happen. My wife getting lazy (or as she likes to call it "comfortable") and gaining 50lbs is not something i expect. I do not expect her to trick me into thinking she is a fit healthy person just long enough for me to have a life with her, then the real her comes out and she becomes fat. I would, honestly, rather be the prick that tells a girl i'm dumping her ass because it got too big rather than the fool that stays with a wife to whom he has not been attracted to for 5 years, masturbates because sex with his wife is no longer fun, and wishes he never got down on one knee. A marriage will only work if both people stay happy. Surely there's a girl out there who feels the same as i do regarding this matter. So basically we would make the perfect match for each other. Till the day i find her, i guess i'll just [bleep] around.

That's a very funny point you mention. A lot of the players who quit saying "EoC ruined PvP" really have no idea what they are talking about. PvP was ruined a long time ago. Now i remember back when they still had the EP system. PvP was insane. There were PKers all over the place. I remember lagging so much simply because the amount of players in PvP areas was too great for my PC to handle. It was a great time for PKing. Even when BH was first introduced, the amount of PKers were insane. But things slowly started dying down end it kept dying down. The last time i PKed (about a month or so before the release of EoC) it would take me anywhere from 5 minutes to 20 minutes to find a fight and i would count myself really lucky if i managed to complete that fight without some [bleep]tard PJing me during the fight. PKing was dead wayyyyyyy before EoC was even mentioned. PKers also knew this as you would often hear video makers say this. But then came EoC and suddenly it was the sole cause of the current state of PvP. "EoC ruined PKing". Actually no, the shitty PKing community ruined PKing. EoC was just another way for people to shift the blame. In all honesty, if they ever removed PvP completely, i would not care one bit. I know me saying this might not seem like much, but the entire purpose of my account was to be a PKer. In the ~900 hours playing time i have on this account, probably 500 of them was spent PKing and another 200 of that training and question for PKing. So it's not just like i'm saying this as someone who never set one foot in the wilderness. A different server dedicated to PKers, which would mean something along the lines of RuneCore or 06Scape, might not be a terrible idea because it would bring back large numbers of players. Heck they can even take down half the worlds we currently have and turn them into older servers. Private servers don't attract players due to being 'old skool' they do it by allowing access to 'cheats' that people can mess around with, not to mention the fact 300k+ for a single server sounds like an absurdly faked number since a server with that many people on would probably plain crash due to the amount of data being processed. Plus of course the benefit of private servers is they tend to be free, so people who can't buy rs membs go there to 'explore' Although somewhat true, it's not entirely. Yes, it offers some sort of cheat but it's nothing that the average Pker would not have had anyway. I was on Skype with a friend not long ago, while he was playing on a server. I asked him what it was like and he screenshared with me. You could not change any stats aside from combat. The rest had to be trained the old fashioned way. You could not magically spawn money, you had to make it on your own. You were not instantly rich. They had their own market, too. AGS was going for like 150m. But 150m using average methods there would probably take as long as making 30m in EoC RS. So things were very balanced. It's not like you could make an account and be maxed and rich from the get go. You still had to put in some work. Also it is not entirely free either. Although most of the game is free, certain aspects of the game could only be accessed if you were a paying member. And certain items had to be purchased as well.

Spent most of my day playing CoD BO1, had a lot of fun on Urban Dictionary too. It's the first time i've actually been on there. I searched my name and had such a big laugh about it. It was fun. I still suck at CoD. I can't seem to get a good key layout. I try to dropshot but i end up doing something completely different. My KDR sucks, but it's super fun anyway :D Also tomorrow i start really studying for my upcoming exams. Gonna be fun.

You're touching on a point which I was going to write about in-depth soon. In a nutshell, and quantum physics aside, some things in life are concrete realities (objective), while others are subject to personal interpretation (subjective). If you want to be consistently happy, then you must learn which of these realities are objective (and unchangeable), and which are subjective. If something is objective, and it is unpleasant, then you must accept it anyways. You don't have to agree with it, but you do have to accept it if you want to be happy. For example, if you're a fat girl, you're going to have a harder time finding a boyfriend than if you were fit because men are hardwired to find fit women more attractive than fat women. Is that fair? No, not necessarily. But if you're a fat girl and you want to get a boyfriend, you can't do anything to change how men feel. If you want to get a boyfriend, you're better off losing weight than trying to convince men otherwise. You have to accept reality and structure your life such that the reality doesn't interfere with your happiness. If something is subjective, you should always be optimistic about it. The problem is, people are always optimistic/pessimistic "incorrectly." People watch the news (which is nothing but negativity and trauma-inducing garbage these days) and see a plane crash. Suddenly they're anxious about flying on a plane, even though in reality, the fact of the matter is that the odds of a plane crash are very unlikely. Conversely, when it comes to things like marriage, reality states that it's unlikely to succeed, yet people still insist on getting married, despite acknowledging the statistics. The divorce rate is like 50%, yet people will gladly bet their long-term happiness on such shitty odds. Everyone thinks they're special when they aren't. It's like going skydiving when the instructor tells you "Oh by the way, half of these parachutes don't work. Is that going to be a problem?" :P When it comes to "correctly" interpreting things, I've said in the past that if a girl rejects you, then there's no denying that you've been rejected. You can, however, subjectively interpret the situation as "good" or "bad." A "good" interpretation would be, "Wow I'm glad I found out now that we're not a match, as opposed to wasting several more hours talking to her-- or even longer! Now I'm free to talk to other girls who might be interested!" A "bad" interpretation would be, "That girl just rejected me, I'm such a loser! Why doesn't she like me?!" Now, then. Things such as "boredom" and "love" are indeed subjective. However, the fact that feelings change over time is not an opinion; it's a fact. How you feel about your partner when you first date them is going to be completely different than how you feel from them decades down the road. Additionally, you're not going to be infatuated/obsessed with them like you were when you first met them-- those feelings are temporary. Those initial feelings are also subjectively exciting. The feelings that replace them are subjectively boring. Their love isn't full of passion and mystery and excitement anymore; their relationship is very routine and secure. They come home from work, watch TV together, then go to bed (probably without having sex). That's the reality of the matter. If you think that sounds "fun" or "exciting," then by all means pursue it. Just don't complain about it if/when you start feeling unhappy, or if/when your wife starts fantasizing about other men because you no longer turn her on. Well I got to about here and I thought: Noxx, you remind me of myself in your current predicament, and I'm not just saying that because you're talking to your ex, I'm saying that because I know exactly how that conversation you had with her goes. Familiarity is not something that should be taken for granted. And I'll never argue anyone that states "The first is the best". I've heard wise words on this thread, words that stuck with me for something close to 6 years now. "If there ever was an attraction, there can and likely will be again". While these words doomed me to chase after my ex many...many times, I have to say it worked successfully. Especially in the case of such a strongly backed first "actual" relationship. Few are blessed with such a connection with someone for their first time. I have no regrets for anything regarding anything to do with any one, or the conglomeration of all of my relationships with my ex. Let's be fair, just because you "break up" with someone doesn't mean the "relationship" is over. A relationship is a connection, a tie of memory you share with someone for ever. I suppose a relationship ends when you stop talking to a person for one reason or another, but the connection can only ever grow stronger between two people. I know as well as you should that you're the type of guy that can always pick up the phone and with confidence call your ex and have something to talk about, and no matter what it is it'll deviate into something emotional. I do the same thing. Also why I try not to talk to her very often. There doesn't have to be anything wrong with it. I guess what I'm getting at is, you never really lost your ex. You just...I don't have a good analogy for it. But hell, I know you can get back together with her at any given moment. Maybe it won't be instantly, but with the connection you have with her, it will never not be possible. Your bond is far too strong. I live with a similar blessing/curse. I choose to handle it differently, so I conclude with this: You know the worst case scenario, and you know the best. Choose to do whatever will make you the happiest. Oh! and you're not a mess. You're just experiencing self-discovery. I could be misinterpreting your post, but to be honest I have no clue why you're suggesting to Noxx that you can rekindle a "dead" relationship with an ex. You're the perfect counterexample to the point you seem to be trying to make. The objective reality of the matter is, if you date a girl and then you break up and get needy, she's not going to be attracted to you like she once was. The only type of man that will turn a woman on forever is the man that remains confident and non-needy forever. As I've said before, monogamy prevents men from remaining confident and non-needy forever. Therefore, if you want a woman to remain attracted to you forever, poly's the only option. Both of you insist upon monogamy; both of you therefore will be unable to keep your "special someones" attracted to you forever. Will they "love" you forever? It's possible. But will they remain attracted/horny for you forever? Absolutely not. Such is the nature of the beast. See that's the problem though. Our relationship was never dead. I mean, we did break up and we did go through a time where we spoke very little, but we still kept contact one way or another. We tried doing the friends thing pretty much right after we broke up. And since it was really a mutual thing (the breaking up), there were no tears nor any angry words. It's a really weird situation to try and explain and i'm sure than no matter how many times i explain it, it still might make little or no sense. But basically it's not like our relationship was ever dead. It was just sort of put on hold, i guess. When we broke up we told each other that whenever we were in the same place at the same time again we would try and pick up where we left off. Now this is something that is often said i realise that. At the time i put a lot of hope in those words and literally counted down the days till i would see her again. Eventually i started losing faith in those words, as i went on with my life. In the back of my mind though i kind of always had some sort of hope. Every time i would talk to her on the phone i would want to say things that i couldn't (things like i miss you, i love you) because i just didn't want to feel the pain. And quite frankly i was scared she would not say it back, or say it back without meaning it. Me and my ex had something extremely weird between us. I mean i always thought we were a rather normal couple but we did things that normal couples (of our age at least) never did. When it comes to the whole ex-topic, i am probably the biggest preacher of DON'T GO BACK TO YOUR EX. There's a reason she's your ex. The reason will always be there. And neither you nor she should change to fix that problem. And the reality is one of you will have to change to get rid of that problem. So it's a doomed relationship from the start. But because me and my ex never broke up because of a problem we had with each other, we're in a whole different category. I know i've explained this before, but we just broke up because i wanted to have fun, and i wanted her to have fun. She's been living in the middle east her entire life. She's always been a free spirit and therefor could never find herself where she lived. Her friends were all westerners. So she heard about all these experiences and never got the chance to live them herself. It caused a lot of issues with her and her parents and she had a lot of resentment towards them because of it. So when she finally got the chance to go to the US i knew it would finally be her chance to find herself and find her place in this world and i did not want to be the one to hold her back. She's extremely faithful to the point where she would not want to go to a party unless i am there. I did not want this to happen while she was away for two years so we broke it off and came to an agreement. There was a time where we spoke very little, and it felt like she forgot about me. I would call her and she would be very short with me and she started getting distant. Our conversations started getting more brief each time, and then it let to us not even picking up when the other one called. But then one day i guess we both realised that we missed talking to each other and things went back to normal. I mean, i guess that's what happens when you haven't seen a person for a long time. I think in the past 2 years we've only seen each other twice. My side of the story though, the real reason i wanted to break it off with her... I finished school when i was 16, and then moved to the middle east month or two later. 16 is the age at which pretty much your life starts in South Africa. This is when you go to real parties. Start drinking secretly, sneak in to clubs/bars. I missed all of that. It took me a long time to make new friends in Qatar and even then i felt like i never really fit in. I missed a big part of my life. I never had the whole college experience, my friends were all younger than me at the time (a lot younger). I tried to cope but it was eating at me. I started writing just to get my thoughts out on paper and found myself writing 5 - 6 pages each and every day for about 2 years. I blamed my parents, i hated them for what they made me do. I tried committing suicide twice and i hated every second of my life. Kind of funny when you think about it. My parents were showering me with money and gifts and all i wanted to do was kill myself. Few months later i met my ex. Now when i had the chance to go to the US i finally saw this as my time to get my college experience, only problem was that i had a girlfriend. Now at the time i loved her with all my heart and the thought of cheating never even crossed my mind, but I WAS GOING TO BE IN THE US. The land of opportunities. And i wanted to take every opportunity i could to get drunk and/or get laid. I wanted to broaden my horizons a bit. I wanted to find myself, because for the last 6 years of my life i felt so lost and out of place. Neither of us were any good with long distance either. We did it for 4 months when we were in different places and it was terrible. 2 years of that would have killed everything we ever had and we would have ended up trying to kill each other. The best thing we could do, for both of us, was just to "take a break". I realise how all of this just sounds like me trying to justify everything that has happened, and everything that could happen in the future. I'm not going to try and convince people it's not, especially when i'm not even sure it's not. For the past 2 years i've been the more emotional one between the two of us. I've always had trouble letting go of people i cared for and i took every opportunity i though right t tell her what was on my mind and how i was feeling. She kept her distance and never told me she missed me or how she still felt about me. But then the other day she said something that kind of made me...realise. We were talking about the to of us, together and apart. And we told each other that it's quite amazing that even after all the shit we went through, together and apart, that we still have such a great relationship. I told her that i am kind of surprised that we still are in each other's lives and she told me that she thought so too. She has had to let go of a lot of people the past two years, and has learned how to not get too emotionally involved. She told me that if she wanted to, she could have cut me off a long time ago. I know she's right about that, she could have done it. Then she said "but i never did". I told her that i sometimes wished she did, because it would have made certain things a lot easier for me. But then she said something that i remember telling her a long time ago: "We need to be in each other's lives." I know it does not mean much, but it's something that makes me smile every time i think about it. It's the first time in a very long time that she has shown any sort of emotion towards anyone. And it's something that shows me that she still wants me around. I somehow got completely off topic and completely forgot where i was going with this. But i think basically what i was trying to say is that our relationship was never really dead. It was always there. Things were put on hold for a while because we both had our own things to do. And then something else. Muggi, you claim that it's impossible to keep your spouse attracted to you forever. I call bullshit on that. Part of what made things between me and my ex so great was the fact that we both thought the other one could do much better. My ex is drop dead [bleep]ing gorgeous. On top of that she has something a lot of men would pray for: DDs. And to add to that she was fit as [bleep]. I believed she could do a whole lot better than me. That instantly makes her a lot hotter than she really is. We would go to parties together and the moment i left her she would get hit on, and guys would want to get her drinks. People wanted her, but i had her. I almost had fun watching other guys trying. It's stupid psychology, but for some reason that made her more desirable than she really was. It kind of felt like a never ending chase. And as a guy you should know that a lot of it lies in the chase (actually, all of it is in the chase). Because i felt like she could do so much better than me i felt like i had to really keep her attracted to me physically and sexually so things never really got boring. It was actually really fun. Now i know a short relationship like that is a bad example, but the same really goes for my parents. I can still see the sparkle in my dad's eye every time my mom walks into the room, after a 28 year marriage. I've learned to walk around the house with a headset on at night so i don't have to risk hearing my parents. I think in many cases monogamy fails because people allow it to fail. People get comfortable with their partners and take the whole "through sickness and in health" thing too serious. I'll explain. You meet a girl. She's cute. She weighs 130lbs. She's 5"6. She works out. She eats healthy. She wears nice clothes. She takes the time to make herself look as good as she can when she goes out. You start dating her, because based on what you have seen, you like her. You've been dating for 2 years now and you ask her to marry you. Three years into the marriage she starts eating less healthy. She stops working out as much. She stops dressing up as much as she used to when you go out. She gains 30lbs. She stops taking care of herself like she used to. She's getting comfortable with you. You promised her that you would still love her even if she was to pick up 100lbs. You start losing your attraction in her. She no longer really fits into what you would have described as your "type of girl" in the past. You don't walk up to a girl in a bar thinking "man i would love to sit down and talk to this girl all night long, she seems like the type of person that has a great personality and great qualities." You walk up to her thinking "man, buy the end of tonight i hope we're back at my place doing the no pants dance." And i think this is why people think poly is so much better than mono. Not because you're an animal and it's in your nature, but rather because it allows you to date YOUR type of girl for the rest of your life. Since poly mans you're in the dating game the entire time, you need to take the time to look after yourself if you expect to get the results you want. You need to put in the effort to get the reward. With mono, you already have the reward. So now you can relax. You've already caught the fish, so you can take the bait off the hook. Now as shallow as this is, few months after me and my ex started dating she asked me the ''would you still love me if...." question. Would you still love me if i got fat. Yes, i would love you, because i would know every aspect of you. But i would not be with you anymore. I did not find myself attracted to you because of your personality, i found myself attracted to you because of your looks. I'm sorry, but your personality does not give me an erection. Your body does. Gain weight and i'd still be able to have the same meaningful conversation with you, but we're not going to have the same sex we used to nor am i going to look at you the same way i used to. Shallow, but that is the reality. She did not gain weight while we were together, she did not change anything about her appearance either. She was not unhappy about it either. She was never unhappy about it before we met, so she had no reason to be unhappy about it after we met. I was attracted to the person i met, and i expected it to stay that way. Is it unfair of me to be like this? No. It would be unfair of her to fool me into thinking she was someone she wasn't. The same thing happened to my uncle and his wife. They have been married for 32 years now and he told me a similar thing when i was 19. They are still as inlove and attracted as they were the day they first met simply because they feel like they are still married to the same person they met all those years ago. Not some overweight, lazy version of that person. Attraction can last a lifetime. All you have to do is not get lazy. EDIT: tl;dr: Our relationship was never dead, it was just on hold. Attraction can last a life time if you don't get lazy. Sorry for the short story.

Oh i plan on living with my parents again for a while when i go back home. I don't want to move in with a girl quite yet. I've still got certain habits i'd like to keep for a year or two longer. Living with a girl would mean having to drop those habits. I don't plan on getting married for a very long time either. I don;t think if we get together things are going to be too serious at first. Going to take us a while to get a feel for each other again. And using protection is something i've always been serious about. But you know, sometimes they do rip. It's happened to me a few times before actually. And she used to be on the pill but she stopped it for a month or something and of course it was during that month that my dear freind Durex decided to me....not so durable. Shit happens i guess. Funny thing is, theres something in the back of my mind that's telling me "This is just another phase. You'll see her and be with her for a week then think meh im over this."

What can i say... Old habits die hard. And this was an old habit that was a really good one. She was the first girl i was every really sexually active with so at the time i had almost nothing to compare her with. At the time i thought the two of us were amazing together in bed. But i knew it was possible that the only reason i thought that was because i had little to compare it with. But then over the past year and a half i kinda do realise that we did have something good. I'm sure you know that you just click better sexually with some people than you do with others. And thus far she was still the best. Gotta give me some points for that, haha.

Seems like me and my ex are kind of fixing things somehow. I mean it kind of happened unintentionally the past week or two. She moved back home again, back to her old life. We started talking again very regularly, like i knew we would. I knew she would get bored and start talking to me again often. I didn't really mind it too much even though i knew it was out of boredom. It was really the same thing on my part too, to be honest. But then today things took a bit of a turn. We got really emotional. I told her that the past year has been a total mess. I told her that i messed up pretty much every relationship i was in. Now i know that in my past posts i have always made myself out to be the good guy, but truth be told i was not. Probably not in one case. I realised this past week (i was sick, spent a lot of time in bed thinking), that with each new girl i meet i rush things so much. I try and force a relationship out of this air. I try to skip steps and jump straight to the "Okay so now we are boyfriend and girlfriend" step (as stupid as that sounds). I was craving it so bad. I really just wanted what me and my ex had, at all costs. Thats the only time i can remember i was really happy about what i was and who i was. I got up each morning with a smile on my face. I studied so hard and i was getting good grades and i was enjoying it. Now i need to study hard but i don't enjoy it at all. I've been slacking off on my flying because i just hated being up 5000ft in the air all by myself because my mind would start to wander so much. I would be up there thinking "Wow i wish i could show this to someone special". I realised that everything Claire, Meghan, Kat, Courtney, Becca, Viccy, and Priscilla did was constantly being compared to how my ex used to do it. I spoke to Claire today and told her i was sorry for the way i acted towards her. I was really pushy with her. I tried forcing a relationship for all the wrong reasons. I was stubborn and childish. I wanted something but i wanted it for all the wrong reasons. I told her that i used to pride myself on being mature for my age. When i was 16, 17, 18, i would only have friends that were in their 20s because i hated everything about people my own age. They seemed to always want one thing and that was to get drunk and get high and i had no time for that. They seemed to be stuck on stupid things that you'd only be stuck on at age 13. But then i guess i stopped growing up. I might have been mature back then, but now at 22 i'm acting like a horny teenager. And maybe that's normal, i don't know. But i feel like i've been so unfair to the girls around me and it really made me sad today when i thought about it. But anyway me and my ex started talking. She told me she went to the beach today and when i get back home she wants to take me there. I told her i had a dream about her last night and as i expected she asked me what it was about. I told her and she fell silent i guess. I mean, there wasn't really a right way to respond to that so i would have done the same in her shoes. I then went on to tell her some other things and she asked me what i wanted from her. I told her that i love her. I always have since the moment i saw her standing outside the 7/11 (okay it wasn't really a 7/11 but it was kind of a convenience store) (also she was not a hooker or anything, she was just standing there talking on the phone waiting for her dad...just to make things clear, haha). I loved her through all the trouble i had with my parents because of her. I loved her through all the fights we had. I even loved her when she left to the US. I told her i thought of her very often and that i had a ton of unsent and unfinished messages on my e-mail. Stuff i never had the guts to send, stuff i thought would only upset her, and stuff i thought would make her want to come back to me. I wanted her to live her life and enjoy herself while she was in the US. I never expected i would kind of lose her in the process, but if it was supposed to happen that way then what can i do about it? (As you guys can see i did most of the talking). Then she said that i did not answer her question. What do i want from her. I told her that it's pretty self evident and she should stop playing games. She told me that the past two years she has met a lot of people, and she has lost as many as she has met. People seemed to come and go. But there was one person that was there all the way. One person that would eat up her shit, and be there when she was crying or be there when she needed to vent. He would be there whenever she needed him.. He told her 4 years ago he would be there no matter what and even though she thought it was just one of those things a boyfriend tells a girlfriend, he delivered. I might not have been there the day she had to get an abortion. I just could not do anything to be there, as much as i wanted to. But i have been there every moment after that as hard as it was at times. But yeah we talked for a few hours and i guess the mutual feeling was that we still had a lot of left over feeling for eachother. I told her about the girls i met while i was here which i think was a very smart move because it made her really think about things. Things like i don't just want to be with her because i can't find anyone else, and finding someone else really isn't a problem for me (not wanting to sound cocky or anything). I want to be with her because... i just want to. I want to be a pilot, and damn right i'll be one in 4 months. I want her, and damn right i'll get her in 4 months. It's really weird how things happened the past two weeks.

I flew for the first time in a while today. It felt really good. I have an enormous headache from all the smiling and generally just being happy i did today. It's weird. It was a really good day. I needed this.

I started playing CoD Black Ops on PC this weekend. Needless to say i have not had much sleep since then. I always enjoyed Black Ops more than any of the other i've playing (MW2 and MW3) and there's something about the graphics of the game that makes it so much easier for me to spot people. On MW i have a hard time seeing people behind cover whent hey're just a few feet away. On BO i can easy shoot people crossmap without having to strain my eyes. It's odd. PC gaming is extremely difficult for me. I've never really played a FPS on PC before and my fingers are having a really hard time finding the keys the whole time. I keep on tossing grenades when i want to switch weapons, and stuff like that. I realised i have a pretty had aim as well, lol. I made a bit of a mistake when i was shooting people. I would try to follow them with just the mouse, but i realised it's a lot easier to follow them with the keys and the mouse. Basically making you strafe while you shoot, i guess. I've been doing better since then. I'm still trying to get used to dropshotting, since would give me the advantage i need, but i can't find a good key layout that would allow me to do this with easy. I also started badly. I started on a server that was all Nuketown all the time. Trying to learn on that while keeping a good KDR is not possible, haha. I think after the first 15 or 20 games i was on a 0.3 KDR and it was not going up any time soon. Decided to play some different game modes and at least now it's up to 0.70 but i'd like to get it to 1.0+ somehow. Anyway...... Also i get a crapton of assists when i play on Nuketown. i probably average about 12 per game, my highest being 19 and my lowest being like 7 or 8... Reall sad.

Well yeah my dad supplied the money for it, lol. I have none of my own =[

Bought a new Laptop today. Really happy with it :D Didn't have to spend as much as i thought i would to get something i really wanted. First time ever that i actually have a really nice laptop. I love my dad <3

They rape KK in 45 seconds. Thought the title of the vid would be quite self explanatory.

For anyone interested in iOS gaming: http://www.modern-combat.net/news.php Pretty cool game. Currently probably the best FPS for iOS. Has a really good campaign. Multiplayer is AMAZING. Takes a while to get used to the controls, but once you have it down it's an awesome game. Anyhow, was wondering if anyone of you currently play this?

Wow every time someone with a decent amount of wealth posts a picture of their gains you manage to [bleep] and moan like a 12 year old girl. Jesus, dude.

Yeah i probably should have gone with the open relationship thing. Or "lol we're just married so i can get a greencard."