Today...

[Tesset]

 

 

Sounds like Noxx is headed straight for the friend zone, but I could be wrong :P

Eh, been in his situation if she loses interest odds are someone else will come along anyways.

 

Same. When a girl says something like how she wants to take things slow, that’s usually woman-language for either “I’m not interested in having sex with you, but I still want your attention” or “I know you want to have sex with me, and I might have sex with you too, but I want to see if I can get you to comply with my preferences and wait for sex so I can be in control of the relationship and lose attraction for you sooner for allowing me to do this”

 

Can you just like take a step back and see how creepy statements like that look from a woman's perspective?

 

I don't even mean mine. I've dated as neither a man nor a woman, I'm about as neutral a third party there can be. It just reads as incredibly manipulative.

[RpgGamer]

As someone who has dated, it reads fairly accurately

[Veiva]

Add on to that I went to the gym as usual.
 
Also, so, like, I'm going to see Los Campesinos! this Saturday in Washington, DC. LOL
 
I'll be staying Fri-Sun and doing some touring too. Gotta go to a few Smithsonians and see some monuments.
 
...
 
My yearly "do-something-new-each-month" now looks like:
 
- January: Started school and new job (Staples)
- February: Had first drink / went to first bar, got learner's permit
- March: Had driving lessons, started ItsyRealm
- April: Got license, got car, went to Raleigh / ECGC, started dating, had sex (that was a big month)
- May: ...I don't remember. I think I started looking for internships but I'd have to dig through my journal.
- June: Got internship at Immersion Media.
- July: Went to Charlotte / Carowinds.
- August: Got drunk.
- September: Started job at Immersion Media.
- October: Saw a concert (Florence + The Machine), attended first party (and first time I dressed up for Halloween since a kid)
- November (pending): ...hopefully go to DC assuming no NUCLEAR DISASTER or some bullshit
- December (pending): Go to Florida to see grandparents
 
I'm the wild B-MACHINE that never stops.

[Goonstalf]

I love DC.

[muggiwhplar]

 

 

 

Sounds like Noxx is headed straight for the friend zone, but I could be wrong :P

Eh, been in his situation if she loses interest odds are someone else will come along anyways.

Same. When a girl says something like how she wants to take things slow, that’s usually woman-language for either “I’m not interested in having sex with you, but I still want your attention” or “I know you want to have sex with me, and I might have sex with you too, but I want to see if I can get you to comply with my preferences and wait for sex so I can be in control of the relationship and lose attraction for you sooner for allowing me to do this”

Can you just like take a step back and see how creepy statements like that look from a woman's perspective?

 

I don't even mean mine. I've dated as neither a man nor a woman, I'm about as neutral a third party there can be. It just reads as incredibly manipulative.

Date a lot of women and you’ll understand the context of what I’m saying

[Goonstalf]

I love women.

[Tesset]

As someone who has dated, it reads fairly accurately

I mean, I wouldn't want to date someone who took "I wanna take slow" as "She never wants to have sex with me and is just leading me on" either. Sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy there.

[Goonstalf]

wat do u no of the prophecy?

[Ginger_Warrior]

 

As someone who has dated, it reads fairly accurately

I mean, I wouldn't want to date someone who took "I wanna take slow" as "She never wants to have sex with me and is just leading me on" either. Sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy there.

 

 

I have dated and, because of the nature of the job I do, have quite a few female friends. I think most of them would agree with Tesset's perspective.

 

If a guy (or girl) they're dating can't take the statement "taking things slow" at face value, much less accept that, then it doesn't bode well for much else in that relationship.

[Goonstalf]

im jst glad my wiufe and i had an arranged marriage becuse shes a straight 10/10 

[muggiwhplar]

 

 

 

As someone who has dated, it reads fairly accurately

I mean, I wouldn't want to date someone who took "I wanna take slow" as "She never wants to have sex with me and is just leading me on" either. Sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy there.

I have dated and, because of the nature of the job I do, have quite a few female friends. I think most of them would agree with Tesset's perspective.

 

If a guy (or girl) they're dating can't take the statement "taking things slow" at face value, much less accept that, then it doesn't bode well for much else in that relationship.

And how many of them did you eventually have sex with, and how long did it take?

 

I have a high sex drive-- if I'm on a 4th date with a girl and she still won't even go beyond making out, that just means we're incompatible. I'd rather move on to someone else with a high sex drive who has no qualms about having sex as quickly as the 2nd date. Plus there's tons of guys out there who are willing to go several dates/indefinitely without getting any action (like you); those are the types of guys she should be looking for.

 

It's not fair to me to keep waiting indefinitely when sex might not even happen, or to keep me waiting only to find out we're sexually incompatible. And it's not fair to pressure her into having sex sooner than she's comfortable with just to keep me around.

 

Some people are simply incompatible; the sooner you can recognize this, the better. Trying to get each other to do things they don't want to do is usually an unhealthy way to begin a relationship.

 

I’ve slept with 3 different women in the past 30 days thanks to filtering out women who aren’t compatible with who I am and what I’m looking for. My system works.

[RpgGamer]

Also, isn't it a bit manipulative to string guys along without testing sexual compatibility?

[muggiwhplar]

“I want to take things slow” is essentially the same as when a woman online says “I want to talk some more before we meet up.” She’s probably wasting your time (either intentionally or unintentionally; doesn’t matter) and you’re giving her your attention (which is what she really wants) for free with nothing in return.

 

Tesset probably doesn’t mind going without sex indefinitely because she’s literally asexual. And IIRC, in the past Ginger was notorious for posting about having unrequited feelings for women who wouldn’t have sex with him, but would have sex with guys who didn’t comply with her every whim. So it’s important to understand the context of their opinions here.

[Tesset]

Also, isn't it a bit manipulative to string guys along without testing sexual compatibility?

No. Waiting until all parties involved are comfortable and prepared for sex is called consent. Pressuring and manipulating people into having sex before they are ready is called rape culture.

[muggiwhplar]

Tesset you’re dodging the question and changing the subject. Why do you believe that stringing people along isn’t manipulation?

[Tesset]

I'm not objecting to you wanting to date women who will have sex with you early in a relationship, Muggi. I'm objecting to you characterizing women who won't sleep with you right away as using that to manipulate you or wanting to control you.

[Tesset]

Tesset you’re dodging the question and changing the subject. Why do you believe that stringing people along isn’t manipulation?

Because it's not? Like, I don't know what you want here. What you're interpreting as "stringing people along" I'm interpreting as "waiting until they're ready" or "enjoying the romantic portion of the dating but not the sexual portion"

[muggiwhplar]

 

Tesset you’re dodging the question and changing the subject. Why do you believe that stringing people along isn’t manipulation?

Because it's not? Like, I don't know what you want here. What you're interpreting as "stringing people along" I'm interpreting as "waiting until they're ready" or "enjoying the romantic portion of the dating but not the sexual portion"

If you knew you didn’t want to have sex with someone, but you chose to tell them, “I’m not ready to have sex with you yet,” rather than “I don’t want to have sex with you right now and I probably never will,” and then they chose to keep hanging out with you, waiting for you to come around, would you consider that stringing them along?

[Ember]

.

[muggiwhplar]

 

“I want to take things slow” is essentially the same as when a woman online says “I want to talk some more before we meet up.” She’s probably wasting your time (either intentionally or unintentionally; doesn’t matter) and you’re giving her your attention (which is what she really wants) for free with nothing in return.

If you continue pursuing a relationship with me for sex we're not having, I'm not the one wasting your time. By setting the expectation of sex on date $X, not communicating the expectation or how important it is to you, and then pushing it out each time it doesn't happen, you're stringing yourself along.

We're exchanging attention, sharing experiences, opening ourselves; if that means nothing to you without sex, I'd prefer you make it clear early so I don't waste my time.

In an ideal world, I could open every woman online with a disclaimer saying, “hey BTW I have a really high sex drive so if we’re not getting closer to sex every time we meet, I’m going to spend my time/attention elsewhere.” Or I could tell every girl as soon as I meet them face to face, “Wow I’m very attracted to you and want to have sex with you”

 

But sadly that’s not how the world works. (Though I have gotten laid in the past a couple of times by directly telling girls I want to have sex with them within the first 10 minutes of meeting them). That’s why I set personal standards/limits (which Ginger and Noxx don’t seem to do) to prevent me from being strung along.

[Ember]

.

[muggiwhplar]

 

If you knew you didn’t want to have sex with someone, but you chose to tell them, “I’m not ready to have sex with you yet,” rather than “I don’t want to have sex with you right now and I probably never will,” and then they chose to keep hanging out with you, waiting for you to come around, would you consider that stringing them along?

"...and I probably never will," I think, isn't always easy to know. I can say with certainty that I don't know you well enough to be interested in sex with you. Whether knowing you better will allow me to be interested in sex with you is something I can't know until we're looking back at it.

Exactly— you’re gambling by investing your time and attention into a person like that instead of a person who’s certain about how they feel. We can argue all day about whether or not they’ll eventually come around; or if they don’t care about the tension they might be putting you through; or if they’re intentionally out to take advantage of you for as long as they can.

 

The bottom line is that you need to set standards for yourself like I do, or else you’re at risk of indefinite frustration. The fact that Noxx and Ginger are eager to put themselves at risk like this, and only a few people on here view that as foolish, concerns me.

[Tesset]

Setting standards does not inherently have to view women as taking advantage of you for not wanting to immediately have sex with you

[muggiwhplar]

Setting standards does not inherently have to view women as taking advantage of you for not wanting to immediately have sex with you

 

I agree. Now answer my question :P

[Tesset]

Your question of "Is it manipulative to string people along"? Yes, but that's not what's happening in most situations, and characterizing someone not sleeping with you as "stringing you along" is disingenuous at best, and actively contributing to undermine people's ability to say no to sex at worst.