Prologue of my Work in Progress

[Echocut]

Interesting story. Seems very J.R.R. Tolkein (sp?). Really nice. =P~

 

 

 

Where the hell are the laser-eye ninja pirates? I presumed, that with so much hyt spam discussion, it would ATLEAST have some laser-eye ninja pirates. Or talking pies.

 

Maybe ninja monkeys come out of nowhere and attack the townsfolk? :P

[agility]

This is gonna be me being picky about the guillotine. I enjoyed the prologue overall very much, and I'm wicked psyched about reading the rest of the story! However, the nice people here who have some kind of clue about the actual writing side can cover that, and I'll stick to details.

 

 

 

You said "the wooden stand that housed guillotine." However, guillotines are stand-alone affairs, so it might be more appropriate to say "the wooden platform where the guillotine stood, instead of.."

 

 

 

Also, the image of a guillotine which is "composed entirely of poplar boughs" suggests, to my mind, something that looks like this:

 

 

Do remember that most guillotines were in the order of 15 feet (about 4-5m) high, which would might be hard to achieve with branches. You could change it to read something more like "The guillotine, constructed hastily from two whole poplar trunks, stood in the cold rain." You also might consider using pine, I know it's pretty soft. Of course, a straight pine tree is rarer than a straight hardwood tree, around here at least. And.. instead of just saying "instead of a stronger wood", you could say "instead of oak," which I think they were usually constructed of. I don't actually remember, and I'm having a hard time searching it up... wikipedia just failed me. but anyway, I think I read it was oak.

 

 

 

Finally, "The burly man stepped away, holding the rope that would trigger the releasing mechanism. With a swift tug of the rope, the device released and the blade plummeted along guides of the machine." The rope would have held the blade up , but it would not have been releasable by a "swift tug"--once they stopped cutting the rope with a sword and getting a new rope for each execution, there was a "déclic", which was a wooden handle on the side which, when pulled, moved a rope which released a claw holding the blade at the top. Finally, "guides of the machine" doesn't quite seem to make sense, you could say "plummeted down the waxed grooves" or "flew down the greased track" or something along those lines.

 

 

 

may I bake you a large batch of cookies with extra chocolate chips for incorporating my favorite method of violent decapitation? And some cocoa, for having bothered to read pedantic nitpicking :roll:

[Dexek]

I am honoured that your first official post was on my thread, Gilly. :

 

 

 

I appreciate the comments and will try to work that piece in about the guillotine. When I saw how you understood it to look based on my description, I broke out laughing. :lol:

[agility]

this is definitely a place worthy of my post-count "virginity" :

 

but you don't need to laugh at my paint skills :oops:

[Dexek]

I attempted to edit out some of my extra words, and add in other features. Let me know how it is now. I think I am beginning to get the hang of this again. :

[Nom]

Why the hell is this thread so big. I've never seen any of you people before.

[Peregrine]

Why the hell is this thread so big. I've never seen any of you people before.

 

Maybe ninja monkeys come out of nowhere and attack the townsfolk? :P

 

 

 

Just like the ninja-monkeys, we appear at once, from all sides, to align our posts in juxtapostion.

 

Actually, Pure has done quite a good job of advertising by inviting his friends to come post here.

 

It also is quite a good piece, in my opinion, and worthy of much discussion.

 

 

 

[begin Critique]

 

______________

 

Dark clouds had gathered quickly that morning, conspiring against the city below. Rain poured down as if in attempt to cave in the rooftops of the surrounding buildings and dampen their core. A growing crowd heckled the man as he was dragged by two guards through the muddy streets. The prisoner, weakened from his state of starvation, was unmistakably handsome, even in his current circumstance. Lean muscles of his arms and chest outlined a ripped tunic that tightly covered a firm torso. Auburn hair draped from his hanging head, concealing all facial features. The guards supported his weight, taking slow, synchronized steps.

 

 

 

Very good job. 'Dark clouds had gathered quicky' seems to pull the story together. I enjoy this paragraph as I seem to catch more details of the surroundings.

 

 

 

Hearing a comment concerning his parents, the prisoner glanced, searching for the voice. Yer mom n dad were sniveling dogs, they were, proclaimed an intoxicated beggar. A quick jerk of the prisoners head, and their eyes met, the prisoners icy blues bore into the glazed over eyes. His counterpart became pale, seemingly sobered up, and promptly broke the connection. Snapping back to reality, the convict hung his head low once more.

 

 

 

I enjoyed this, because it gives an upfront example of the insults tossed at the prisoner. Something seems missing though, I can't quite place it. Perhaps another's analysis will turn over a stone.

 

 

 

The guillotine, constructed of shrewdly cut poplar planks, stood tall in the cold rain. The convict noticed the handiwork of the guillotine as he approached, confused as to why it was made of poplar, rather than stronger wood. Why would they rush the creation of this..? Does this mean the king knows about us?

 

 

 

Excellent. Instead of leaving the mystery for the trained analytics, you present a question out in the open. I'm not sure about the usage of "..?" in books, but I think since we don't have a rhetorical/drawn out question mark, it's quite a good way to represent those.

 

 

 

Next, a lean man dressed in elegantly red-trimmed black robes stepped onto the wooden stand.

This is one of the main things I caught that I didn't like. Of course it follows next. Use some sort of adjective, like "Sinisterly", if I have the mood of the Red(t) robed man right.

 

"Sinisterly, a lean man dressed in" sounds much better than "Next, a lean man dressed in".

 

 

 

Bowing cockily to the horde of open-mouthed townsfolk, he muttered a phrase under his breath, and burst into a fiery inferno. Both flame and captive vanished, leaving an insignia burned into the wooden floor.

 

I enjoyed this more than him just disappearing. Instead, he adds more mysticism to his character, and I personally am wondering what this insignia would mean. Is it a personal insignia, or a symbol of a group? If it's a personal insignia, then I can understand him leaving it behind. But if his group is secret, as implies in saying "Why would they rush the creation of this..? Does this mean the king knows about us?", then why would he jump to further risk by endangering his group?

 

 

 

Why had the priest fallen?

 

 

 

I'm eager to learn that you wanted us to figure something out about this, but this question is way too blunt. Why would we care that the priest had fallen? \

[Dexek]

Well, all of the useless and idiotic posts are from people that I didn't invite. That includes all posts which did not comment/give advice. The strange thing is, the immaturity isn't coming from those who I invited. They were very helpful, which is not something I can say for some of the latest replies. :lol:

[Harakiri]

Well, all of the useless and idiotic posts are from people that I didn't invite. That includes all posts which did not comment/give advice. The strange thing is, the immaturity isn't coming from those who I invited. They were very helpful, which is not something I can say for some of the latest replies. :lol:

 

 

 

Thank you..the idiotic posts are also coming from people you did invite...

 

 

 

Welcome to the forum, where the IQ level goes down with each new member...

 

 

 

Me and Nom have survived this forum longer than you have, and we have seen more than our share of crap, and let me tell you, that when there is an influx in activity by people not known to tread this forum, we wonder...

 

 

 

PLUS...If you didnt want other people to post...shoulda emailed it...This is not a invite only forum...

[Dexek]

I'm not sure if you deserve a reply, but I'll give you one anyways. I did not ever say it was an invite only forum, and am unsure where you even got that idea. I invited people to read my work because it is not and invite only forum, but rather a public one where they are free to post their opinions. I did and still do want other people to post, but I would only like posts relating to my work and how it can be improved. I do not care to see posts about those who gave idiotic comments. If you did not like their comments, or viewed it as spam, you are free to report them.

 

 

 

I will ask you now not to reply on my thread again unless you have some constructive critisism about my work. I am unsure how it affects you that people are posting on my thread, and no, there is not a need to write a reason why. Any help on the basis of my work is still welcomed. Thanks. :

 

 

 

EDIT: I would also ask that no one comments on these useless replies, as they are just mucking up the thread, and do not help me at all with my story.

[Hawks]

Is very good so far, I read it for the most part and pretty much it's just random nitpicky things if you know what I mean (the guilotine (sp) bit, the mom should be mum bit, etc)

 

 

 

But I think purepure's latest comment is something everyone needs to pay attention to. That would be the real reason for me posting here. People should always try to give what the author/artist asks (i.e. You try to help, even if your c/c ends up being on something obvious or that they didn't want it on.). If you can't give anything, you shouldn't reply.

[Dexek]

Thank you very much for critiquing my prologue, Hawkxs. I will definitely take your advice into consideration. After the comments on the "mom" spelling, I do suppose an English accent would fit the character of the intoxicated beggar.

[Harakiri]

I finally read it and I can see why you have a following, it was good. Not much I noticed that hasn't already been pointed out, but it is shaping up to be good...

[Unoalexi]

....Am I allowed to comment? I've read things like "invite-only" and such, so...

 

 

 

The prisoner, weakened from his state of starvation, was unmistakably handsome, even in his current circumstance. Lean muscles of his arms and chest outlined a ripped tunic that tightly covered a firm torso. Auburn hair draped from his hanging head, concealing all facial features.

 

 

 

ARGGH!! No! :wall: Your character is skating dangerously on the thin-ice of Mary-Sueism. I'm not saying that you have a code MS on your hands now, but when you describe him like this, that little flashing radar goes off. Especially when you later describe his "icy-blue" eyes. Description is essential, but who on earth would look handsome whilst starving? Have you seen pictures of concentration camp prisoners? That's what one looks like whilst starving.

 

 

 

If your really want your due to still be "OMGZORGZ he's teh hawtest dude like. evah!!!1!", then say "once-handsome". That would make it acceptably more believable.

[Harakiri]

....Am I allowed to comment? I've read things like "invite-only" and such, so...

 

 

 

The prisoner, weakened from his state of starvation, was unmistakably handsome, even in his current circumstance. Lean muscles of his arms and chest outlined a ripped tunic that tightly covered a firm torso. Auburn hair draped from his hanging head, concealing all facial features.

 

 

 

ARGGH!! No! :wall: Your character is skating dangerously on the thin-ice of Mary-Sueism. I'm not saying that you have a code MS on your hands now, but when you describe him like this, that little flashing radar goes off. Especially when you later describe his "icy-blue" eyes. Description is essential, but who on earth would look handsome whilst starving? Have you seen pictures of concentration camp prisoners? That's what one looks like whilst starving.

 

 

 

Wow...only you would think of that...god I'm glad your back...

[Dexek]

Thank you for the advice and comments Unoalexi and Rachet573.

 

 

 

I don't really want the character seem too attractive, Unoalexi. I just added that jazz in after a reader of the female persuasion let me know that my description wasn't up to par. I really have no experience in describing men, so in that area I am definitely flawed. I'll try to ugly him up a bit. I was also trying to convey that he was recently caught and was being executed shortly after that capture. I had hoped that the self-realization he had would get the point across, but it never. I'll add in some more thoughts on the character's part. :

[mackish]

Durahm rose to his feet, and the two guards that had dragged him through the streets attempted to jump on him. Leaping into the air it seemed they would land directly on their target, but they did not reach Durahm. They had pounced, only to be caught mid-air by a magical force. The executioner tried the same, but was unable to even move his legs.

 

 

 

If you went to apprehend someone, would you jump? Just a question, it caught my mind. I think they would run, but what do I know, Canadians might be different. :lol: :twss:

 

 

 

 

 

Why the hell is this thread so big. I've never seen any of you people before.

 

 

 

He asked people in-game to come here and comment. Sorry I don't post everwhere.

[Dexek]

Durahm rose to his feet, and the two guards that had dragged him through the streets attempted to jump on him. Leaping into the air it seemed they would land directly on their target, but they did not reach Durahm. They had pounced, only to be caught mid-air by a magical force. The executioner tried the same, but was unable to even move his legs.

 

 

 

If you went to apprehend someone, would you jump? Just a question, it caught my mind. I think they would run, but what do I know, Canadians might be different. :lol: :twss:

 

 

 

Well, I can understand what you are saying. It may seem somewhat odd, but if I thought someone was about to run, I would jump at them. If you feel that they are faster than you, then you definitely jump. When I tag & needle calves in the spring I need to catch them and hold them down while fending off their mother, or some other overprotective cow. I always try to jump on them before they have a chance to run. Once they begin to run a huge challenge is set forth, which can not always be overcomed. On the handful of times that I had to run at a calf, only half of those times was I able to outrun it. I know I am rambling on, but this is the mindset I had when I wrote that particular sentence.

 

 

 

Yes, maybe we are different. :lol:

[myshadow7]

ah Purepure, I finally got around to completing my reading of your prologue. The Nerd in me goes hell yes, this is awesome. The literary critic however is that, while again highly entertaining (in the not haha way), says the story is unoriginal, in that the main character, as far as we've seen, has no flaws. Unless your this Durahm fellow is going to be the antagonist in the story (this is the prologue right? i could see the plot going that way), without some "human" traits, it will be hard for the audience to identify with the character. Your work will be great but not necessarily memorable. For him to be the most amazingly amazing of powerful and confident characters is fine, but only if he's had years of learning behind it, actually deserving his "power".

 

 

 

As for the language use and imagery, everything's great! I look forward to possibly reading more.

 

 

 

edit: oh and for the jump thing, how about... leapt! It's fine with jumped imo, however.

[Dexek]

Thanks, Shadow. Yes, it is the prologue. I have been working on the rest of the story in my spare time, but that has been limited due to the holidays and some courses I am taking. You actually hit the nail on the head. I wanted to say it before, but never bothered. Yes, the one who everyone believes to be the perfect hero is actually to be the antagonist. I felt it would give away from the story if I mentioned it, but everyone is getting the wrong idea and critiquing generally on that aspect. I may as well make it clear. :lol:

 

 

 

Thanks again for your time and knowledge. The rest will be up when I feel satisfied with it. I actually kind of forgot about this topic until just recently.

[Shadowcheval]

Aw, Pure, you put my stuff to shame! I know this comment is decidedly unhelpful, but I really like where this is going, and I'd like to see more of it!

[Harakiri]

nice bump :roll:

[Shadowcheval]

nice bump :roll:

 

 

 

He asked me to take a look :P

[Pinkbullet3]

Happy Birthday, Pure!

 

 

 

:thumbsup: :XD: :twss:

[Harakiri]

Happy Birthday, Pure!

 

 

 

:thumbsup: :XD: :twss:

 

 

 

Oh my friggin god, this is a forum for critiquing stories and posting, not all this spam that this thread has brought up. Lord...