dragoncmd

:shock: oooo... suspense ...oooo :shock:

since I don't know anythign about anarchy online I'll take it as orginal. It's good as usual, and I'm guessing this if the first serious story by you guys on this forum?

Isn't 3 enough? I want more!

yeah, it's intresting but really confusing (especially with the battle scene at the beginning of chapter 1)

the strange thing is that probably would make him look prettier. :D Sorry Gaal I couldn't resist.

yeah I was just commenting on the first section of the fight when tetra (spelling? I'm too lazy to look it up) jumped out and crashed into the ground.

Intresting... Has this guy done legends yet?

Most people in the varrok libary are to some degree. (I'm a pretty horrible one myself, my best pieces are all saying how horrible other peoples work is :wink: )

I'll read the second chapter later, I don't have time right now.

Fianlly some answers!! Great as usual, but I found the way Thomas was able to react so quickly to the attack unrealistic, seeing as he is an addict and has no major fighting experience (that we know of).

It doesn't but what good does that do? I wish that wish's could wish away the wishy-washy wisher that wished above me. (and that someone can say that 20 times fast)

Good story, I like the suspense, though I am wondering if we're allowed to know anything about the main characters.

I think the description is what makes it so good. It would make a great opening chapter for a novel (lenghtnd a little maybe) and the detail would be toned down a little in later chapters.

Didn't proofread that very well, did you? :roll: -Mitch- If you haven't noticed theres a difference between personal writing and formal writing. Obviously I am not going to bother spending time re-reading 1 paragraph five times if its not formal writing. Oh and Zonorhc, I agree that they should make an attempt to fix it before anyone proofreads. I'm not saying that we should just write the story for them.

I still can't believe how good this story is. You've set up the perfect villian and I'm still realy intrested in what Tetra's history is. Obviously she's undergone the same process with having her mind wiped of unnecessary information as the doctor is going through, but who was she before that? (a relative or close friend of the supervisor maybe? Or possibly the doctor?)

I LOVE the battle scene, but you might want to add a little side note later about how dhorak comes back so it can fit into rs history a bit more smoothly.

well I'm waiting and I hope your laptop is very inspiring :wink:.

Nice, I really hope you write more.

After seeing so many stories recently that are nearly illegible due to grammar, puncuation, and paragraph spacing issues I decided to make this topic. This will (hopefully) be a list of people that authors can pm with stories if they don't have anyone else to proofread their work. Authors: Make an attempt to fix grammar/spelling before you send it to a proofreader (its your story not theirs). Reading it once out loud and fixing errors that you come across is probably the best way to catch your own mistakes before sending it out. Just post and tell me if you want to be on the list. List: me (dragoncmd) blipo Zonorhc teh_soldier Rhys Ape

Pretty good. Clean up your grammar and punctuation (Its just too hard to read as it is). I'll reserve jugdement until later.

... Are you seeing a psychiatrist? That was so strange I'm not even going to give you any ideas. keep on going.

good little guide. I actually learden a few things from it. I've heard that the magic guild is better for mining though (I can't get in so I wouldn't know)

No yours are second after two other people's, wait, no, 3rd, no, 4th, wait 5th, no, Oh well, your somewhere in the top hundred

I fianlly got a chance to read the first three chapters. The plot is great! Your only problems are in grammar and how you convey the plot. like you said in the first post, you tend to wtich between first and third person. I really recomend going back and fixing this before you write any more. I think it would be cool if you worte the enitire story in first person but swtiching the narrating character every chapter (If you do this make sure that its clear whose narrating the chapter by the end of the first few sentences or pay carfeul attention to wordings if you don't want to give away who it is).

Then don't expect people to like your story if its hard to read, I'm just giving suggestions.