Never a fan of petty revenge. If her hurting him is wrong, how can it be right for him to hurt her back? Doing something like that takes you from being a reasonable person with reasonable expectations to being a jealous monster.

 

I can't say she didn't have it coming, because she did. I just think that how he dealt with it means their both despicable and should both be doomed to loneliness forever. Allowing hurt feeling to be transformed into anger like that is how you become a real life monster. That he is proud of what he did is just pathetic. At least people who cheat aren't normally proud of it. though he'll probably wake up someday and realize what a terrible person he is, or was, and balance will be achieved.

 

So I'm with Sir_Squab. That's all he needed to do, and all the situation called for.

That is the coolest thing i've seen on reddit.

Wow. That guy takes neediness to a whole new level. Typical clueless guy that freaks out at women for behaving like women, and not living up to his unrealistic expectations.

I think expecting your exclusive partner to stay exclusive is a realistic expectation. If she really needs to have sex with other people then she should talk about it to see if they can arrange something,otherwise they can either break up or deal with it.

 

We'll have to agree to disagree on the expectations part, then. I've already argued my stance on that one a few months ago :P

 

Not sure you understand the motivation until you live through the pain of such betrayal for yourself. Most guys don't throw up the polyamorus defense and brush it off.

 

There's nothing wrong with feeling the way he felt. HOWEVER, there is something wrong when he chooses to act on the way he feels... which he did. There's also something wrong if he doesn't learn from this mistake and fails to make lifestyle changes such that he never gets into situations like that again.

Not sure you understand the motivation until you live through the pain of such betrayal for yourself. Most guys don't throw up the polyamorus defense and brush it off.

 

There's nothing wrong with feeling the way he felt. HOWEVER, there is something wrong when he chooses to act on the way he feels...

Namely?

Not sure you understand the motivation until you live through the pain of such betrayal for yourself. Most guys don't throw up the polyamorus defense and brush it off.

 

There's nothing wrong with feeling the way he felt. HOWEVER, there is something wrong when he chooses to act on the way he feels...

Namely?

 

When, uh, THIS is how he feels like acting?

 

http://forum.tip.it/topic/192134-i-want-a-girlfriendboyfriend-and-other-such-relationship-advice/page__st__12480#entry5289284

 

(Mod edit: please refer to the SWF edit in RPG's post :))

Edited August 1, 201213 yr by Kimberly

^^

 

Not really sure what you're asking Omar :P

@Squab: duh!

You said something was wrong with the way he acted. I expected there was a personal reason for that--something like "this kind of behaviour may feel good now but it won't teach you any lessons" rather than "this behaviour is disrespectful of others", which is clearly not going to convince anyone with a chip on their shoulder.

@Squab: duh!

You said something was wrong with the way he acted. I expected there was a personal reason for that--something like "this kind of behaviour may feel good now but it won't teach you any lessons" rather than "this behaviour is disrespectful of others", which is clearly not going to convince anyone with a chip on their shoulder.

 

Ah ok. I'll try to elaborate. Some of this you've probably already heard from me before. Anyways...

 

In a nutshell, I believe that everything we do, can be traced to one of the following reasons:

1. We did it because we thought it'd make us happy

2. We did it because we thought it'd make us less unhappy [than alternative courses of action]

 

I think our emotions and how we feel are basically the end-game of our living experience. However, if we want our happiness to be more "potent" and longer-lasting, we must use our rational minds to figure out how to accomplish that. The catch is, however, that we are emotional creatures, capable of logic (not the other way around). With that in mind, when our emotions reach a certain threshold, they can mute or cloud our rational judgment.

 

In this guy's case, if he wanted to be happy in the long run, he would've done basically what Squab suggested. But, since he was being overwhelmed with emotions, he let his emotions make the decision for him, rather than waiting for his emotions to die down a bit and make a better, more rational decision. As a result, he'll likely regret it down the road, similar to what Randox stated.

 

So, yes, like you said this'll make him feel good temporarily but it won't really make him a better person in the long run. Unfortunately, it might take a while for him to realize that, as long as there's people cheering him on and congratulating/rewarding him for being immature.

 

There's nothing wrong with feeling "bad." Feelings are feelings, and it's your interpretation and reaction to those feelings that really matter.

Actually, revenge doesn't look like a desire which overrides other desires (smoking is a good example of one). In a study where vengeance was given a cost (i.e. to get revenge, you had to pay), the severity of the punishment was inversely proportional to the amount of money it cost. If vengeance was indeed a passion, this wouldn't be the case. Money loss is easier to quantify than regret though, but in that case he still tried to act rationally with whatever info he had on hand, or at least more rationally than you might think; for all you know it might have been the best course of action for his own ends.

[Edit] Looked for studies which try to figure out how likely regret is, none found. I'll make a thread and see what happens.

Do you think that acting the way he did will make him a happier/better person in the long run?

I don't think you can become "better." We are who we are.

It's all relative

People can become better or worse depending on their actions and the values used to judge them. You can become a better person according to your own values, and since that's what matters in the case of the reddit thread, I disagree with Low and I think the question is worth asking.

I don't think it would make him a better person, but I don't know it won't. It's definitely making him feel good right now. If he never ends up suffering the consequences of his actions, this will have made him a better person in that he'll be that much closer to happiness, or at least not worse off. Short answer is no, but I don't believe the opposite either, and I'm hoping a poll will answer the question.

I admire what he did. Took balls.

If he doesn't suffer any consequences, that's great for him I guess. I just don't think that his kind of behavior deserves recognition or attention, even if it's considered justified. I have little tolerance for people who willingly harm others like that.

I have little tolerance for people who willingly harm others like that.

 

The thing is, you only seem to be attacking the guy because you're all polyamorous this, polyamorous that. Well just because the guy was monogamous doesn't mean you can bash him, and let her off easy.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure the "monogamy crowd" will bash him harder.

I thought I made it clear that I feel sorry for neither of them.

 

Shame on her for making a promise she couldn't keep.

Shame on him for placing unrealistic expectations on her.

 

Not sure why you consider my poly beliefs relevant here >_>

Actually, revenge doesn't look like a desire which overrides other desires (smoking is a good example of one). In a study where vengeance was given a cost (i.e. to get revenge, you had to pay), the severity of the punishment was inversely proportional to the amount of money it cost. If vengeance was indeed a passion, this wouldn't be the case. Money loss is easier to quantify than regret though, but in that case he still tried to act rationally with whatever info he had on hand, or at least more rationally than you might think; for all you know it might have been the best course of action for his own ends.

[Edit] Looked for studies which try to figure out how likely regret is, none found. I'll make a thread and see what happens.

 

That's a HORRIBLE, horrible definition of being rational. What you are saying is that people are capable of thinking about their actions. What he did was OBVIOUSLY the best, or near best, course of action for his own ends. What makes his actions rational or not depend on what those ends ARE.

 

Ultimately, whether or not he acted rationally depends on whether or not his desire to get revenge on the girl and hurt her emotionally was rational in the first place.

I apologize muggi, i didn't see that earlier

I thought I made it clear that I feel sorry for neither of them.

 

Shame on her for making a promise she couldn't keep.

Shame on him for placing unrealistic expectations on her.

 

Not sure why you consider my poly beliefs relevant here >_>

Because people who believe in monogamy don't see how he placed an unrealistic expectation on her.

 

...

 

I really want muggiwhiplar to start discussing his poly beliefs so I can bring up my conflicting feelings on polyamoury. On the other one hand, I want a monogamous relationship and am somewhat religious. On the other hand, polyamory seems to objectively be the better option for the human species as a whole.

Well be specific in what you want/don't want and I'll let you know what I think is realistic, what you should shoot for, what you should reevaluate, etc.

Squab, that's not what that word means. According to wikipedia, a decision is rational if it is optimal to solve a problem or reach a goal. You're getting riled up because you think rationality is good. It's not. I wasn't saying what he did was right, wrong, good, or evil, and I don't think such a thing can be said objectively. I was saying muggi's analysis was incorrect insofar as the desire for revenge is not simply a desire which overrides others (the desire for happiness, namely) and which yields less than it removes by taking priority. That would be irrationality: taking the course of action which is not optimal for solving a problem.

Squab, that's not what that word means. According to wikipedia, a decision is rational if it is optimal to solve a problem or reach a goal. You're getting riled up because you think rationality is good. It's not. I wasn't saying what he did was right, wrong, good, or evil, and I don't think such a thing can be said objectively. I was saying muggi's analysis was incorrect insofar as the desire for revenge is not simply a desire which overrides others (the desire for happiness, namely) and which yields less than it removes by taking priority. That would be irrationality: taking the course of action which is not optimal for solving a problem.

 

I guess... according to that definition, it makes sense. The thing is, rationality is often viewed as a synonym (or maybe it's just me) for, well, Spock-think. Vulcan thinking. Viewing something without emotions affecting your judgment. Google has "Based on or in accordance with reason or logic" as the definition of rational. I would argue that the act of revenge is, quite often irrational, according to the definition google gave me.

 

At any rate. Emotional desires never completely remove other desires, but they can often take the forefront in one's thinking.

 

Well be specific in what you want/don't want and I'll let you know what I think is realistic, what you should shoot for, what you should reevaluate, etc.

Eh, it isn't that specific. I don't really want to be in a relationship right now anyways, since what I'd like is a long-term relationship yet I'm at a point in my life where a long-term relationship is a bad idea. I need to get my shit together and figure out where I'm going in life before I start chasing after girls, lol.

 

Basically, I could never imagine myself outside of a monogamous relationship for reasons I can't explain, yet polyamoury seems like the most logical default way to go at relationships. I mean, 50% of all marriages, roughly, end up in divorce. Basically, most of the polyamoury arguments make sense to me, yet it's still not something I could ever see myself incorporating into the way I live my life for reasons I can't explain.

 

Also, I'm pretty sure half the reason I'm posting here is to procrastinate >_<

It is because you were taught that many partners was bad when you were young. I know I was, and I still hold to those beliefs. Sex is for procreation which is part of the reason that I don't have sex.