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"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice


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#1
Da_Latios
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Admin Edit: This thread became outdated and incredibly large, so onward with Project Offtopic! Old posts have been archived and now we're starting from January, 2008 ~Turtlefemm

I seem to have become the author of this thread, and I realise my previous message here isn't really much of an intro to this kind of topic.

So...

This is a place to come to fellow TIFers and ask for our knowledge and advice on this - we are the love gurus!

So yeah, the gurus are in session.
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#2
xvillexvalox
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:arrow: Da Latios (or tips on approachal in general)



(Hey, I saw you around lightning's chat the other day)



Approaching someone you like is always difficult at first, until you build up a trust with them. If you know anything she would like to do (shop, movies, apple picking, arcade, etc..), a great way to start building a relationship would be to invite her to hang out with you and do something she'd like.



It would be best to call her instead of talking over MSN, and make sure you're suave about it (don't studder, don't sound nervous). One way to do this is to know what you have to say, think over your sentances, right them down or write down bullet points. Say something like "Hey, some freinds of mine wanna go see this movie and go somewhere afterwards, wanna come with me?".



If you wanna be alone with her more, tell her only a few freinds are going, and when you're there tell her they bailed on ya.



If you're going to a movie with her, pay for her ticket but if food is expensive you'll seem like you're going to far out of your way to pay for her's as well. After the movie plan an hour to hang out, talk about the movie and such, and bring coins to play at the cinema arcade(if your's has one).



Or if she's fine with it, returning to your house after hanging out is a good idea, tell her she's invited to dinner at your house to make her feel more comfortable (if so, have something that's not to difficult to prepare, so it doesn't seem to showy and unnatural, pizza or speghetti is good)





But whatever you do, make sure if you're going to go to see a movie, don't end the date right afterwards and go seperate ways, that leaves alot to be desired and seems like a waste of socializing time.



Hope this helps, best of luck.
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#3
Ginger_Warrior
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Right, first time posting on here and I have absolutely no reason why I am posting, as I usually never ask for help on anything. <.< Well anyway..



There's this girl, see, we're friends but...

WAIT, what's this? The infamous Latty has feelings for a female?

The answer to that would have to be yes.



Continuing on... We're friends and all but I seem to be EXTREMELY attracted to her for some reason. -.-

Unfortunately for me, I am quite a shy person in real life, and I don't talk to her that much.

Less unfortunate is that she is also quite shy, and hopefully you get the idea. The only place we really talk is on MSN <_<. She's never dated and neither have I...

I don't know if she likes me or not, but since I have this $110 book on psychology(and have read it), I can at least tell she is attracted to one who she doesn't talk to much, and

she tries to avoid making eye contact with me too much.



The other thing is that we have so much in common - maybe TOO much.(Both our parents are divorced, etc)



We both enjoy digital art and online gaming, and might I just say - she was the one who introduced me to RuneScape back 8-9 years ago, and she is also the person who

introduced me to Tip.It!(She's not a TIFer, I don't think)

So yes, there's alot I owe to her.



But then comes the problem - as you know I'm not the most social person you will ever meet, nor am I the person who will talk the most. But then, neither is she.



Just wondering how I should approach this, uh, Situation?


It's amazing how many Lightning users use this thread. Not that I'm complaining. :wink:



Trust manifests itself through personal dialog between two people. The sad fact is when you talk on MSN on to someone about your problems, you're not actually trusting them, you're just trusting a person who could be whoever you want them to be.



Ask her to meet up. Not to go to the movies since you don't actually talk to each other there and you'd both be under false pretense. I know it sounds corny but, meet up and just hang around in a park. If you feel shy, invite a few friends. At least then you'll actually be talking face to face.



There's no reason at all why two introverts can't get close to each other.

#4
Kiriyama
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Well, keeping friends is a bit hard admitedly, some turn out to be right a-holes. I assume you work and such. Well organise a night out with some mates who work there and such. (You don't have to drink to have a good night out, and since when has smoking been a social thing?)



Don't rule out the pub just because you don't drink (see earlier in this post), although its not the best place to meet people.



Honestly if you meet a girl, don't try any "pick up" lines, most females hate them, just be yourself.



If you meet a girl you like, keep it in the friends area and gradually tell her how you feel, heck it might not work out, but at least you got a good friend out of it in the end.



Best advice I can give is just to be yourself, don't act all cocky (people hate that), and just relax, things come naturally.
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#5
Doom1200
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Doom I was just wondering, you said you talked about "shutting eachother up", does this mean you made out with her then she told you she didn't like you anymore? :S




Never kissed a girl in my life. :?



@Goddess: She kinda returned the whole "lovey-dovey" thing too. It wasn't just me.
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#6
magekillr
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Ok. I just need some advice/clarification on this whole thing right now.



Me and my best friend have been friends for almost 3 years now. A couple weeks ago, I told her I liked her. She seemed really flattered, etc. We talked about it for awhile, then she popped off that she was torn between me and a Sophmore. It didn't really bother me, because at the time we were acting really "lovey-dovey". We told each other we loved each other, talked about "shutting each other up"(our secret code for kissing), among other things a couple would talk about. I was finally getting ready to ask her out for real, but then she called me and said she didn't like me anymore and wanted to go after the Sophmore.



Now, did I do something wrong here? Was I pushing myself on her by saying I loved her? Did I drive her away? We're still best friends, but still it hurts. I just need some clarification on this.




you're in the friends zone...



did you ever make an actual move on her? and was your "loving each other" jokingly (mutual joke..)?




Okay three things:

1. With all due respect (because i do respect you) the majority of the people who come here are in junior high/high school. You seem to label every situation that doesn't end in sex as "friend zone". Admittingly, you're probbably right every now and then, but not every guy on here is doomed to the "just friends" title. They're young and inexperienced, as are the girls on the end of these estranged realtionships - give em chance.



2. Saying "I love you" should NEVER be said jokingly. It is a very powerful phrase, and it should be meant 100% before saying it. Any other use of the phrase simply sickens me. Maybe I'm living in a dream world, but "I love you" is a vey serious thing, near sacred in my opinion.



3. What would you define as an "actual" move exactly? (this one i'm curious about for my own personal uses)




1.) pretty much lol...if you aren't a sexual partner with a girl then you're her friend. there is no in between lol...and guys can't differentiate the difference between friends and people that they can have sex with. a girl on the other hand, labels them "friend" or "potential boy friend"...sometimes you can be both lol, but not by attributing the behavior that this particular guy is doing. if the girl isn't attracted sexually to them and they're attracted sexually to the girl...then they're in the friend's zone. if they tell the girl "hey i like you" and the girl says "let's just be friends"...that's the friends zone. it is very possible to get out of it, but it's also very hard and takes a lot of work. usually people who are in the friends zone with a girl have what i will call "oneitis", only that girl will do so they obsess about her subconsciously...and portray that obsession with conscious behavior like Goddess said...suffocation with corny lines, and kindness. that's not what a girl is attracted to. not only does it portray neediness, but she'll want alone time and if you're always there then it's just gonna put you further into the friends zone. i'm not a psychology major...i've never studied psychology in my life. this is all from personal experience from what i have witnessed first hand, and seen in other people's lives.





2.) a lot of people tell each other they love each other jokingly. you know..like if you're friends with someone and you want them to do something and they don't and you go "i love you forever...please?". that's what i meant by "jokingly". i didn't mean to go all heartfelt "i love you" lol...that gets you in trouble. i refuse to say "i love you first" even if i really do...girls get weirded out about it, and it's caused problems in the past.



3.) an actual move? anything really...but usually when i say "move" i mean kissing her. it's pretty incredible how powerful the kiss actually is. many women will tell you "let's just be friends" one second, and then after the kiss see how attracted to you they really are. i personally don't believe the friend's zone exists anymore unless it's mutual between us (for me anyway). now now, i'm not putting myself above others haha...i'm just saying that i know how to avoid that zone. even if a girl "let's just be friends"'s you, if you kiss her or you both are comfortable with each other and you touch respected areas (she lets you), she will eventually forget about the let's just be friends and go on with it. though if you do kiss her and she says "i don't think we should do this", she is not comfortable and you need to respect that no means no...but that doesn't mean you still can't be persistent in a respectful way in order to change her mind. let's be frank, women don't know what they want half the time because emotions have no set equation, and they follow their emotions. they can be feeling something and not even know why they're feeling it.



i had oneitis myself...tbh, i still have feelings for her. there's other women, but she's still in the back of my mind :| . i was let's just be friends'd for 4 years of high school because i was the exact thing Goddess described. she gets outa class, there i am waiting outside the door. we walk together everywhere, always nice, i didn't exactly let her walk all over me...but it could still be portrayed as a guy who just doesn't know what he's doing, i gave her advice about guys (something you should NEVER do if you're not looking to be her friend). that's the biggest thing with guys who want a girl...they really like being their friend so they want to be their companion too. then they're too afraid of losing the girl's friendship by taking a risk..and they're stuck there forever. the last time i was let's just be friends'd by a girl was like a year ago (i'm 19 now). i dealt with it throughout high school, and i sure as hell wasn't about to deal with it again. told her "sorry, but throughout high school i really already have more friends than i can handle...if you'd like a man then let me know", and i walked away. that girl's feelings were immediately switched around. just an example.



the girl i had oneitis over i know is attracted to me sexually...finally made out with her and had other disclosed relations back in November (not all the way)...and slowly i'm winning her over, but i know in the back of her mind she's still seeing me as that same guy back in high school. no relationship with her as of yet, but i know the chance is there. looking back at point 3, when we had our "rendezvous", she did so because "it felt right" to her. when we talked about it later she didn't know why she did...i don't either except that her emotions just said "this feels so right...go for it". i also think she attributes me to guilt, as she was trying a long distance relationship with another guy...they're no longer together and i'm glad...guy was a [bleep]wad.



don't worry...everyone goes through the same thing, some just get it sooner than others. took me 4 years. i can't complain though...had i known what i know now, i probably would have had a failed relationship with her back then or even our first year of college...and then have 0 shot now. girls shouldn't marry the first guy they meet IMO, need to see what's out there first. so i'm kinda thankful it took all 4 years.



and ending...there's a reason why when you go into divorce courts you'll hear the same line..over, and over, and over, and over...if the divorce occurs over cheating:



"they were my best friend..."



there's a reason...you can be friends, but you must also differentiate between being just friends with sex...and actual life long companions.

#7
IGoddessI
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@Goddess: She kinda returned the whole "lovey-dovey" thing too. It wasn't just me.




Trying to be as honest as I can here, obviously she didn't feel the same way you did or she wouldn't have pissed off on you so soon, right?



She was obviously joking or it made her felt awkward enough to not think straight and say it in hopes not to hurt your feelings, then ran away later when she built up the courage.



If she REALLY loved you too and was REALLY being lovey dovey, she would still be with you, now wouldn't she? :-w



but since I have this $110 book on psychology(and have read it)




Heeey heeey heyyy slowwwwww down. Just because you have one book on psychology doesn't mean jack. It took me 2 years of lectures and several thousand dollars of books later just to learn an introduction to psychology yet alone from one book. You have learnt building blocks, not ladders yet. No offence but whatever you learnt, take it with a grain of salt and let it help assist you but not as an overall go ahead.



I can at least tell she is attracted to one who she doesn't talk to much, and

she tries to avoid making eye contact with me too much.




That doesn't really tell you much at all, she's an introvert remember? You just described an introvert to me, not someone who is attracted to you, although she may be.



Use the internet to build some kind of relationship between the two of you seeing as you're both shy. It works.
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#8
Doom1200
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@Goddess: She kinda returned the whole "lovey-dovey" thing too. It wasn't just me.




Trying to be as honest as I can here, obviously she didn't feel the same way you did or she wouldn't have pissed off on you so soon, right?



She was obviously joking or it made her felt awkward enough to not think straight and say it in hopes not to hurt your feelings, then ran away later when she built up the courage.



If she REALLY loved you too and was REALLY being lovey dovey, she would still be with you, now wouldn't she? :-w




True dat. Ah well. Thanks for making it brutally simple. :P
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#9
Animaslayer
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I love being obsessed over girls. <3:



I'm normally shy, but with me being a lot more social lately, it shouldn't be too hard in the next 3 years of high school.



So, just wait...



Besides, I have a good personality. But sometimes I can have a bad temper and act an [wagon]...






oh my gawd its my long lost brother. or twin whatever still similar to me



+ on a side note me + = girl = cliche and lots of em



like me likes 4 girls know for sure 2 like me maybe 3 or than again they all might but i just dont ask people out much cause either



a) people take the mick (my shcool is full of [wagon]'s)

B) they ugly



or on another note im shy hate rejection (in a sense) and lose popel. but oh well me sure me gonna get one someday =S
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#10
MC_Kejml
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Well..



it has been .. 3 months and 1 year :D from the affair I wrote proeviously on the forums. The obsession from my side fell constantly and now I can ''think straight''.

At this point, the situation doesn't have a resolve yet. I was talking about te matter on 22 December with her, and she again came with the same reasons - time. I told her clearly that if she has any doubts, bring them on. She doesn't seem to be clearly against it, but not going for it as well. Even when she was drunk she was saying the same things O_o :D



Well, I have to choose from 2 options now:



Let her be ( with no major impact on myself ) - But I don't want to do that, because she has a problematic life and the last thing she needs is me parting ways with her.



OR



Cope, and hoping she will tell me whether yes or no.



I dunno .. :/
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#11
andufusthebronze
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Update on Lauren.

Asked her out last night, and she said yes. But that she doesn't want to get into a serious relationship too fast, and wants us to test the grounds first, because she doesn't want to ruin our friendship over a weeklong relationship. To be honest, I agree with her.



Just thought I'd let you all know.
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#12
TheAncient
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I'm bored of all the girls at my school. What do you guys think of relationships outside of your school?
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#13
hbk_hossack
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I'm bored of all the girls at my school. What do you guys think of relationships outside of your school?

I think they're better than in school ones. If it's an out of school relationship, you don't spend 6 hours everyday of the week with each other, soyou're more excited to see each other when you actually get a chance too.
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#14
RpgGamer
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Update on Lauren.

Asked her out last night, and she said yes. But that she doesn't want to get into a serious relationship too fast, and wants us to test the grounds first, because she doesn't want to ruin our friendship over a weeklong relationship. To be honest, I agree with her.



Just thought I'd let you all know.


Glad to hear it :D always nice to hear some good news on this thread :lol:



I'm bored of all the girls at my school. What do you guys think of relationships outside of your school?


They are absolutly possible. There are plenty of interschool relationships going around. I have quite a few friends with significant-others in other schools. The trouble is finding other girls from other schools, cause you never know anything about them :/



><_-_-_><

And just an update on my sake:

Not too sure how many people care, but awhile back i posted about my exgirlfriend dilemna. Well, I finially got to talk to her about that night and we are back to 'dating' :D. So thanks for the help guys, especially magekillr for giving me the confidence to make a move :D.
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#15
Ginger_Warrior
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Update on Lauren.

Asked her out last night, and she said yes. But that she doesn't want to get into a serious relationship too fast, and wants us to test the grounds first, because she doesn't want to ruin our friendship over a weeklong relationship. To be honest, I agree with her.



Just thought I'd let you all know.


That's excellent news to hear. And a wise choice. Make sure the two of you don't get swept away in it all; a relationship between two people still needs a lot of effort even if they were close friends before. :wink:

#16
magekillr
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I'm bored of all the girls at my school. What do you guys think of relationships outside of your school?




if you're in high school, i feel like they work better for several reasons.



1.) a girl's worst fear is to be known as a [bleep] (well maybe not their worst fear...but in general it's up there). they don't want to be known as "easy"; it crushes them. it's one reason a lot of girls go "sex crazy" when they hit college. they were so damn scared of what their peers thought of them that they just stayed as far away from it as possible. now in college, it's not looked down upon as much + you have a much larger scale of people (not everyone knows everyone). if you're dating her and she goes to another school, other people won't even know she's dating anyone at all. this gives her more freedom from any gossip that might be going around..and she'll most likely date you more because there's no friends/gossip to interfere with what she wants.



2.) it's more exciting when you see each other.



3.) you get more freedom to meet with other people without jealousy. everyone experiences jealousy...that's probably my biggest ego defect. i go crazy jealous. i never let it appear on the outside, but on the inside if she wants to hang with some guy alone...it's driving me crazy!



there's more points as to why it's better...but in grade school, dating other people from other schools is pure ace. unless it's so far away that it begins to pose a problem





Rpg, i'm glad to hear it brother. just keep that confidence flowing, make the relationship take "unexpected turns" (for the better), and i don't think she'll be leaving for a while \<img src=/' />

#17
Ix_Fenix_xI
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Thanks to the people who have posted replies to my post so far. I could probably get as far as saying something like "hey" or something like that but I'm completely lost as what to do after that. I'm kinda hopeless at this kind of stuff and practically need step by step instructions :wall: The trouble I usually have is starting a conversation and then, even if i do get one going, I can't seem to keep it going for very long <.< I'm not sure if it's shyness from me that's stopping the conversation from developing or lack of interest from the other person. Could anyone help me out on this part? Maybe conversation starters/finishers, topics etc?

#18
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Anybody has any suggestions for my post? :(



Last time i posted a reminder like this i got a ''Z0mg just do what you want!'' -.- reply, so not this time plz , I'm really unsure and my rl friends cant help me properly. :wall:
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#19
RpgGamer
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Anybody has any suggestions for my post?


Could you restate your problem, I'm having trouble finding it...the last thing I can find that you said on this thread was on page 70 ending with a ' :D ' and a 'thank you'. So if you have another problem, tell us and we'll help you out to the best of our abilities O:)



As for Ix_Fenix_xI, I wish I could help you with that but...Conversation is not my strongpoint and that's putting it lightly. My best advice for you is to listen to anyone else who does respond to your dilemna. Sorry I can't help you any more than that. :(
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#20
MC_Kejml
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Oh well.. now I pretty much dunno what to do.



There is that girl I know from dance lessons for 4 weeks. We had pretty much liked each other, at least from a good friend's perspective, so I decided to date with her on friday



Everything worked smoothly, I took her to Stardust movie ( ) and there was no problem at all. We went home together and we said all those nice things, kissed etc. and then I was like omg, I must be so lucky!



But well.. I came on msn and had a talk with her, and she was erm.. making kind fun of ''those'' things i said to her, she didnt mean it but then i thought.. hm?



She said that she had a bad, recent experience, and that I should give her more time. That is no problem, we see each other every week during dance lessons, but I fear that without it, any relationships might end She hadn't refused my offer to take her to a cinema or so, but it seems pretty stupid to me doing the exactly same thing again so often.

And the only nice place in nature I'd take her looks pretty crappy in winter.



It seems that his sister and sometimes even her mom peeks on her msn, but ..



Please help Today a stupid relations horoscope wrecked me out

But srsly, any advice appreciated. I feel pretty empty at the moment:(



p.s. - I already gave her a gift if anyone thinks about that.




K well that was before 3 months, the resolve was the last reply I posted, it was more euphorical than objective tho :/



Well..



it has been .. 3 months and 1 year from the affair I wrote proeviously on the forums. The obsession from my side fell constantly and now I can ''think straight''.

At this point, the situation doesn't have a resolve yet. I was talking about te matter on 22 December with her, and she again came with the same reasons - time. I told her clearly that if she has any doubts, bring them on. She doesn't seem to be clearly against it, but not going for it as well. Even when she was drunk she was saying the same things O_o



Well, I have to choose from 2 options now:



Let her be ( with no major impact on myself ) - But I don't want to do that, because she has a problematic life and the last thing she needs is me parting ways with her.



OR



Cope, and hoping she will tell me whether yes or no.



I dunno .. :/








Now, she always says FRIENDS .. for now. I'm pretty confused :(
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^ my book :^_^:

I don't play anymore, but I'm grateful I played through the best RS times!




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