obfuscator Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 My girlfriend of 21 months still hangs out with her ex boyfriend, who was before me. And I honestly hate his guts.A week or so ago, her ex boyfriend told her he liked her (and still does). This resulted in my girlfriend getting really stressed over it and eventually having to think to herself 'Do I like him again?' And she came to the conclusion she didn't like him.She still hangs out with him often, and it really bugs me.I tell her it bugs me and told her to put herself in my shoes, because wouldn't anyone feel uncomfortable about your girlfriend hanging out with a guy that she had to ask herself if she liked him or not? She knows for a fact it bugs me so much, but she continues to hang out with him.I do not want to take away her freedom, she is her own person, and I trust her. But this isn't a matter of trust, it's a matter of respect. I don't want her to completely ignore how I feel and continue to hang out with him.They do not hang out alone, though, the group is; my girlfriend, the ex, and the ex's best friend who is a guy.After I told her about this, she said 'I'll always have a special bond with my old friends. Guys or girls. They bring back my childhood.' I understand that and I don't wanna take that away from her, but it just digs so deep under my skin.What do I do, guys? 2 "It's not a rest for me, it's a rest for the weights." - Dom Mazzetti Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muggiwhplar Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 My girlfriend of 21 months still hangs out with her ex boyfriend, who was before me. And I honestly hate his guts.A week or so ago, her ex boyfriend told her he liked her (and still does). This resulted in my girlfriend getting really stressed over it and eventually having to think to herself 'Do I like him again?' And she came to the conclusion she didn't like him.She still hangs out with him often, and it really bugs me.I tell her it bugs me and told her to put herself in my shoes, because wouldn't anyone feel uncomfortable about your girlfriend hanging out with a guy that she had to ask herself if she liked him or not? She knows for a fact it bugs me so much, but she continues to hang out with him.I do not want to take away her freedom, she is her own person, and I trust her. But this isn't a matter of trust, it's a matter of respect. I don't want her to completely ignore how I feel and continue to hang out with him.They do not hang out alone, though, the group is; my girlfriend, the ex, and the ex's best friend who is a guy.After I told her about this, she said 'I'll always have a special bond with my old friends. Guys or girls. They bring back my childhood.' I understand that and I don't wanna take that away from her, but it just digs so deep under my skin.What do I do, guys? This isn't her problem, it's yours. If you didn't feel jealous, then you wouldn't be posting here or complaining about it... I'll say it again: It's not a matter of her "disrespecting" you-- it's a matter of your jealousy. She's going to keep seeing him, whether it means anything or not, and whether you like it or not. My advice to you is: learn to deal with it. The more you keep complaining to her about it, the less attracted to you she will become. You're acting very needy right now. Stop. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tesset Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 Oh wow, this may be the first time I agree with Muggi. Who's being disrespectful in this situation, your girlfriend who wants to keep what is obviously an important friend to her, or you when you tell her that she can't have a certain friend because you feel jealous? My skin is finally getting softI'll scrub until the damn thing comes off Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Randox Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 Honestly, I would consider this an impasse. If you relent without somehow not being bothered by it anymore, you'll come to resent her, if that hasn't started already. If she only stops seeing him because she thinks your going to leave her, she will resent you. So, at the end of the day, there is a problem, and your relationship will not survive indefinitely as long as this problem exists. If the problem is resolved in a manner that breeds resentment, your relationship is doomed. This is very easy for me to say as someone with no stake in the situation, but I think its time for a breakup. Unless someone has an idea of how to get over this kind of thing (and don't say 'suck it up', that's a one way street to failure). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muggiwhplar Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 The best ways to get over it are more or less restricted to poly people :\ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tesset Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 I'm sort of in the position of the ex in my own life, so from that point of view what I would say you need to do is to talk to him. Make sure he isn't going to try to drive a wedge in your relationship, and make sure he knows that you don't appreciate him telling your girlfriend he still likes her if she's still in a relationship with you. It's not something he can really help, but I agree with you that he shouldn't be making things harder for you two by not getting over her. Don't tell him not to hang out with her, don't forbid them from being friends, just let the ex know that no shit can be going on between them. I will say this too, if you break up, you'll be playing right into his hands. My skin is finally getting softI'll scrub until the damn thing comes off Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
obfuscator Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 I have to disagree with Muggi. If she's committed to you, it wouldn't even be a question of whether or not "she still likes him". Not to mention that in my opinion someone in a committed relationship should not constantly feel the need to hang out with old partners... so she's not over him. Hence my posting "abandon ship". "If you break up you'll be playing right into his hands" - who cares? Let him have her. She obviously isn't fully committed to him anyway, so unless he's okay with that their relationship is already fundamentally broken. "It's not a rest for me, it's a rest for the weights." - Dom Mazzetti Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kimberly Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 Why would you I have to disagree with Muggi. If she's committed to you, it wouldn't even be a question of whether or not "she still likes him". Not to mention that in my opinion someone in a committed relationship should not constantly feel the need to hang out with old partners... so she's not over him. Hence my posting "abandon ship". Ended relationships don't always end in ended friendships. Most of the time they do, just not always. The question becomes whether or not there's something substantial enough between you and your current partner to work through it. Isn't that the whole point of a relationship? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
obfuscator Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 Why would you I have to disagree with Muggi. If she's committed to you, it wouldn't even be a question of whether or not "she still likes him". Not to mention that in my opinion someone in a committed relationship should not constantly feel the need to hang out with old partners... so she's not over him. Hence my posting "abandon ship". Ended relationships don't always end in ended friendships. Most of the time they do, just not always. The question becomes whether or not there's something substantial enough between you and your current partner to work through it. Isn't that the whole point of a relationship? I agree, but a "friendship" where one party still likes the other party and the other party isn't sure whether they do or not is not just a friendship. "It's not a rest for me, it's a rest for the weights." - Dom Mazzetti Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JamesPRoman Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 My girlfriend of 21 months still hangs out with her ex boyfriend, who was before me. And I honestly hate his guts.A week or so ago, her ex boyfriend told her he liked her (and still does). This resulted in my girlfriend getting really stressed over it and eventually having to think to herself 'Do I like him again?' And she came to the conclusion she didn't like him.She still hangs out with him often, and it really bugs me.I tell her it bugs me and told her to put herself in my shoes, because wouldn't anyone feel uncomfortable about your girlfriend hanging out with a guy that she had to ask herself if she liked him or not? She knows for a fact it bugs me so much, but she continues to hang out with him.I do not want to take away her freedom, she is her own person, and I trust her. But this isn't a matter of trust, it's a matter of respect. I don't want her to completely ignore how I feel and continue to hang out with him.They do not hang out alone, though, the group is; my girlfriend, the ex, and the ex's best friend who is a guy.After I told her about this, she said 'I'll always have a special bond with my old friends. Guys or girls. They bring back my childhood.' I understand that and I don't wanna take that away from her, but it just digs so deep under my skin.What do I do, guys? This isn't her problem, it's yours. If you didn't feel jealous, then you wouldn't be posting here or complaining about it... I'll say it again: It's not a matter of her "disrespecting" you-- it's a matter of your jealousy. She's going to keep seeing him, whether it means anything or not, and whether you like it or not. My advice to you is: learn to deal with it. The more you keep complaining to her about it, the less attracted to you she will become. You're acting very needy right now. Stop. But don't I have a reason to be jealous? She wasn't even sure if she liked him or not. She's cheated on me before in a situation similar to this.I don't know guys, it's hard for me to deal with this. Like Muggi said, "if one party still likes the other party and the other party isn't sure whether they do or not is not just a friendship." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riku3220 Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 She's cheated on you before and you're still with her? Good god man, why do you even care who she hangs out with if you're fine with her cheating on you? Dump the girl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
obfuscator Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 That makes it even more obvious. "It's not a rest for me, it's a rest for the weights." - Dom Mazzetti Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tesset Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 Why would you I have to disagree with Muggi. If she's committed to you, it wouldn't even be a question of whether or not "she still likes him". Not to mention that in my opinion someone in a committed relationship should not constantly feel the need to hang out with old partners... so she's not over him. Hence my posting "abandon ship". Ended relationships don't always end in ended friendships. Most of the time they do, just not always. The question becomes whether or not there's something substantial enough between you and your current partner to work through it. Isn't that the whole point of a relationship? I agree, but a "friendship" where one party still likes the other party and the other party isn't sure whether they do or not is not just a friendship.Why isn't it? Why can't it be? Why is the fact that you like someone a deterrent to being just friends with them? I mean, hell, I've done it 4 times now, just because someone likes a girl doesn't mean he's automatically going to force her to cheat on her boyfriend. I'm not saying I understand the situation or the people exactly, but believe it or not, some guys do have self control. My skin is finally getting softI'll scrub until the damn thing comes off Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muggiwhplar Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 If she's cheated on you already, then you're wasting your time by being exclusive with her... You're not even in a monogamous relationship anymore. Either dump her or tell her you're going to start seeing other girls and she can stick around if she wants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
obfuscator Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 Why would you I have to disagree with Muggi. If she's committed to you, it wouldn't even be a question of whether or not "she still likes him". Not to mention that in my opinion someone in a committed relationship should not constantly feel the need to hang out with old partners... so she's not over him. Hence my posting "abandon ship". Ended relationships don't always end in ended friendships. Most of the time they do, just not always. The question becomes whether or not there's something substantial enough between you and your current partner to work through it. Isn't that the whole point of a relationship? I agree, but a "friendship" where one party still likes the other party and the other party isn't sure whether they do or not is not just a friendship.Why isn't it? Why can't it be? Why is the fact that you like someone a deterrent to being just friends with them? I mean, hell, I've done it 4 times now, just because someone likes a girl doesn't mean he's automatically going to force her to cheat on her boyfriend. I'm not saying I understand the situation or the people exactly, but believe it or not, some guys do have self control. Oh, it's possible...but not ideal. Because when you ultimately have ulterior motives for friendship it causes difficulties...and when the other party has cheated and is not entirely committed that makes things worse. "It's not a rest for me, it's a rest for the weights." - Dom Mazzetti Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Resistance Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 I don't often post here but I think that it's worth saying that if she's having to decide whether she likes him or not still (regardless of the outcome) it doesn't seem to me that she values the relationship as much as you two do. The fact that she continues to be friends with this person despite you being uncomfortable with it shows that she cares very little as well. Either dump her or tell her you're going to start seeing other girls and she can stick around if she wants. She obviously cares very little about the relationship, she's cheating and seeing her ex-boyfriend who you've said that you are uncomfortable with. There isn't any point wasting your time on somebody who doesn't care about the relationship. - Obviously in some cases cheating isn't an excuse to completely abandon a relationship like a lot of people in this thread seem to have the attitude of but in this case it's extremely clear in this situation that she cares very little about your relationship and was considering leaving you for her ex. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xSxqPowerx Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 Well the fact that she has cheated already makes the answer incredibly obvious. I wouldn't even give a girl who cheated on me a 2nd glance. But, pretending for a moment that she's alays been faithful, I still don't think what she's doing is okay. Simply because you know that the guy she's hanging out likes her. He IS going to try to win her over, he's going to try to [bleep] up your relationship and make himself look better than you... he's even going to use the fact that you're feeling jealous of him as a tool to do it. I'm not saying you should control who she hangs out with, but in this case I think it's inappropriate of her to do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muggiwhplar Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 If one person is seeing other people while you're still promising to see only your partner, then there's something wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RpgGamer Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 My girlfriend of 21 months still hangs out with her ex boyfriend, who was before me. And I honestly hate his guts.A week or so ago, her ex boyfriend told her he liked her (and still does). This resulted in my girlfriend getting really stressed over it and eventually having to think to herself 'Do I like him again?' And she came to the conclusion she didn't like him.She still hangs out with him often, and it really bugs me.I tell her it bugs me and told her to put herself in my shoes, because wouldn't anyone feel uncomfortable about your girlfriend hanging out with a guy that she had to ask herself if she liked him or not? She knows for a fact it bugs me so much, but she continues to hang out with him.I do not want to take away her freedom, she is her own person, and I trust her. But this isn't a matter of trust, it's a matter of respect. I don't want her to completely ignore how I feel and continue to hang out with him.They do not hang out alone, though, the group is; my girlfriend, the ex, and the ex's best friend who is a guy.After I told her about this, she said 'I'll always have a special bond with my old friends. Guys or girls. They bring back my childhood.' I understand that and I don't wanna take that away from her, but it just digs so deep under my skin.What do I do, guys? This isn't her problem, it's yours. If you didn't feel jealous, then you wouldn't be posting here or complaining about it... I'll say it again: It's not a matter of her "disrespecting" you-- it's a matter of your jealousy. She's going to keep seeing him, whether it means anything or not, and whether you like it or not. My advice to you is: learn to deal with it. The more you keep complaining to her about it, the less attracted to you she will become. You're acting very needy right now. Stop. But don't I have a reason to be jealous? She wasn't even sure if she liked him or not. She's cheated on me before in a situation similar to this.I don't know guys, it's hard for me to deal with this. Like Muggi said, "if one party still likes the other party and the other party isn't sure whether they do or not is not just a friendship." I was fighting for the romantic ending, I really was. I wanted to say Muggi is right in that the problem lies within you, and you need to just let go of what bothers you. I wanted to help you get over your anxieties and jealousies. But I can't. Because they are justified. Said girlfriend has disrespected your feelings, in a more extreme matter in previous similar situations. If she has to question her feelings toward someone that isn't you, and is willing to cheat on you, she isn't ready for the relationship you want to have with her. I'd recommend putting some space between yourself and her before things get real screwy. I really hate to give you that answer. It really pains me to. Quote Quote Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic. Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos. PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude Steam: NippleBeardTM Origin: Brand_New_iPwn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TTanT Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 EDIT: She cheated on you before?Well beyond the fact that continuing a relationship with someone after they cheat is rarely a good idea, that definitely explains why you're so suspicious. The face that she spent so much time "deciding" whether to dump you for your ex combined with previous unfaithfulness seems to say that you need to have a very long and serious talk. The only difference between Hitler and the man next door who comes home and beats his kids every day is circumstance. The intent is the same-- to harm others.[hide=Tifers say the darndest things]I told her there was a secret method to doing it - and there is - but my once nimble and agile fingers were unable to perform because I was under the influence.I would laugh, not hate. I'm a male. :(Since when was Ireland an island...? :wall:I actually have a hobby of licking public toilet seats.[/hide] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kimberly Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 She's cheated on me before in a situation similar to this. Either be honest and open and put the ball in her court - it's her job to build back the trust if she's cheated on you before - or move on. Shhiiiiiiit, man. And here I thought you were just being clingy @_@ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JamesPRoman Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 She's cheated on me before in a situation similar to this. Either be honest and open and put the ball in her court - it's her job to build back the trust if she's cheated on you before - or move on. Shhiiiiiiit, man. And here I thought you were just being clingy @_@ I told her, 'You need to gain back my trust with what you've done to me.'She would reply 'I don't want to be with someone who doesn't trust me.'I know she wants to be with me, I stick around and stay late at night to make sure she's okay because she has insomnia and does really weird stuff and breaks down at like 4AM. I just don't want to be walked all over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muggiwhplar Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 :wall: I'll try to be concise: She's not attracted to you. You like her way more than she likes you. You say you won't tolerate her disrespect or be walked over, yet you continue to promise exclusivity to her and stick with her till the late hours of the morning even after she's cheated on you. You're not being her chivalrous, caring boyfriend; you're being her ass-kissing provider while she goes and [bleep]s the guys she actually is attracted to. Cut your losses and move on. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
obfuscator Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 :wall: I'll try to be concise: She's not attracted to you. You like her way more than she likes you. You say you won't tolerate her disrespect or be walked over, yet you continue to promise exclusivity to her and stick with her till the late hours of the morning even after she's cheated on you. You're not being her chivalrous, caring boyfriend; you're being her ass-kissing provider while she goes and [bleep]s the guys she actually is attracted to. Cut your losses and move on. It seems I agree with you for once :P "It's not a rest for me, it's a rest for the weights." - Dom Mazzetti Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 changing the subject here; I was curious to know what you guys think about the 'inner game' literature that is available on the internet - do you find it any use? 2257AD.TUMBLR.COM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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