Muggi, can you update us on your online dating progress? You got fairly quiet about it, no success?

 

And dang, I am still only limited to FB chats. Mainly because it was 1 week of school holiday and I was away, but still. No progress.

I haven't sent out any openers since my previous update. I do a new blitz on the first Sunday of every month, so my next one is this Sunday.

 

Unfortunately, there haven't been a lot of hot new girls joining since my last blitz. If worse comes to worst, I might have to join sites which charge a monthly fee so I can put in more numbers. :( But hopefully it won't come to that.

While this thread does discuss a lot of in-depth personal issues, please refrain from actually insulting/flaming other people. Constructive criticism is fine and encouraged, but try not to dismiss points with personal attacks. And feel free to report those who aren't respecting the guidelines we set here, or common courtesy.

 

I'm not sure if this was really necessary, but thank you for the reminder and sorry for my part in the incident.

 

As for Claire, I agree with Randox. You're going to be miserable either way, but I think you'll regret not pursuing her more than protecting yourself now, even with the bleak prospects. Also, 3 to 4 months is still a bit of time. My last relationship -admittedly not a star-crossed infatuation kind of deal- ran its course in just two months, heh. Just make sure that you're both on the same page about long-distance etc.

Also, 3 to 4 months is still a bit of time. My last relationship -admittedly not a star-crossed infatuation kind of deal- ran its course in just two months, heh. Just make sure that you're both on the same page about long-distance etc.

Which brings me to a question I've been meaning to ask... why did you come back all of a sudden? Don't get me wrong, you know I like you, but you've been as good as dead for years...

 

I'm sure you're just giving personal reflections, though, as we all do to some degree. I miss you and Mel being on here.

This might just be my opinion, but I think your good friends will never judge you very severely because you've been an [wagon] to other girls. Not because they're amazing people, but because people don't become friends because they find each other virtuous.

Well, the problem with my friends are that they very...weird...

My two best friends,, i'll use them to explain what i mean.

One of them is the ultimate ladies-man. He can strike up a conversation with anyone he wants to. He's the one that always encouraged me to talk to girls when i felt a bit shy. He's also the one that told me that in order to get the girl, you need to be a total douche. Treat them like they're nothing special. A hot girl is used to guys hitting on her. So when i come along and treat her like she's nothing special, she's going to wonder what she's doing wrong (or why i'm not all over her like the other guys). This actually works very well. I remember a night where one of the guy's here at school had a party at his house, and his ex was there. She was hitting on me for most of the night, and i showed little interest in her. The more i ignored her, the more flirtatious she got. My friend noticed and he commented on what a good job i was doing with her. Little did he know that i actually just didn't want anything to do with her, but that's another matter.

 

The other friend is a lot like me in a certain way. He's not exactly great with girls either. He has a big problem approaching them but once the conversation has started, he's really good at keeping it going. So he always needs a wingman to just help him open up the conversation. The problem with this is that i always had to be the one to wingman for him, and this is where trouble started because sometimes we'd both be interested in the same girl, but because i had less of a problem talking to the girls, i would usually have the upper hand in the situation. I remember a week or two ago this happened, and he told me i was getting greedy with girls. I should take it easy.

He got a bit pissed at me that night and the following morning we talked about it and he told me that he sees a lot of change in me as soon as girls are around. I'm a nice guy when it's just the guys, but when a girl comes into play, i get ruthless.

He gave me a "with all due respect" speech that day, saying that as much as he loves me he really hopes i get my ass kicked by a girl one day because what i am doing is not right.

I admit, i have been omitting a lot when it comes to my future, when talking to the last 3 girls i met.

I know damn well that my time in the US is very limited and that the only way i'll come back here is when it is on the job, but i've made it seem like theres a possibility for me to stay much longer. The reason i've done that is because girls here don't want one night stands, they want boyfriends.

 

Then as for what Randox was saying. Option 2 was really something i've been thinking about a lot. i've been thinking about it for about 3 months now (actually started thinking about it before i met Claire). But the problem with staying in the States is that the silences i'm getting at the moment are European. They are worth nothing in the US. I can always shell out another $15 000 to convert them to American, but then i have to apply for a Greencard or something, and even then it's going to be hard to find a good job. Regional Airline Pilots in the states are paid not much more than the average buss driver, and regional is where i would have to start. Then the other problem is the place where i live. I feel like if i have to live here for another year, i'm going to end up killing myself. This place is not for me, and i feel like a lot of what's been going on inside my head is because of this place. There's so little to do here that you're almost forced to think about stupid, needless stuff the whole day.

 

And then as for the whole long-distance thing. No.... There's no way, ever.

 

I think what i'm going to do now, for the next few weeks at least, is just focus on my school. After all, that is what i am out here to do. Finish it up and that's it. I'm going to try and cut off my connections with the other girls, and just see where things go with me and Claire. I know there's something there. I just need to get my shit straight.

Also, 3 to 4 months is still a bit of time. My last relationship -admittedly not a star-crossed infatuation kind of deal- ran its course in just two months, heh. Just make sure that you're both on the same page about long-distance etc.

Which brings me to a question I've been meaning to ask... why did you come back all of a sudden? Don't get me wrong, you know I like you, but you've been as good as dead for years...

 

I'm sure you're just giving personal reflections, though, as we all do to some degree. I miss you and Mel being on here.

 

Well, as I lost interest in RS, I visited the forum less and less. I also got a bit annoyed by OT around the same time. Discussions went around in circles, there was the "secret forum" deal and I really felt the age gap with a lot of people on here.

 

I recently renewed my RS membership because I got bored one Sunday afternoon (and yes, you cunning man, that was actually a few days after the 2-month deal ended, to our mutual relief btw), got back on the forum to catch up with the game and wandered into OT again...

 

The thing with this topic is that the "collective" of posters seems to have constructed a kind of framework about relationships and every "case" that passes here is being fitted into it. Like "oneitis", it amuses me that the term is still around after all these years. Everybody in the topic has a distinct voice, of course, but there's this mould the topic seems to be stuck in. Anyway, I'm definitely not contesting that everything I say here is a personal reflection. My opinions are usually strong, but not necessarily relevant or correct.

 

I miss Mel too. Does anybody know how she's doing?

I think each individual person is exactly that. There are models you can use as tools to generally help you understand them but, at the end of the day, the mould you're talking about doesn't fit to everyone when it comes to giving them personalised advice, and it causes me great frustration when I see people (almost always males, it has to be said) desperately trying to apply it as a "one size fits all" cure. I shared your annoyance with the OT board around the time so I can understand that, but it seems to be less caustic now, although there's a lot less activity. Maybe those two events aren't mutually exclusive.

 

Mel... we were friends on Facebook but I looked now and she's not there any more. Tried FB stalking, couldn't find her.

You guys underestimate how similar and predictable humans are when it comes to relationships. :P

No, it's when others try to apply that predictability universally without allowing for any changes in their advice in regards to the user's situation. That's obnoxious. (Not a reference to you in the slightest :P) People tend to do that when they're just parroting advice they heard from others/other posters.

I dispute that relationships are that predictable in the first place. For all the money chucked at psychological research, there's barely been any consistent, let alone useful, results whatsoever in the field of relationships.

 

Perhaps individuals tend to fellow their own individual pattern of relationships with remarkable predictability without drastic intervention, but from one person to another there's a whole load of variable factors.

Last I heard Mel had another kid, got divorced and started dating some new guy. But that must have been a year ago, lord(not the TIF user) knows what she's been up to. I owe a lot of my knowledge and insight to her. I believe she still responds to PMs from time to time if you're real interested.

 

I believe relationships are just as individualistic as the people in them. No two relationships are the same, nor are any two people. Patterns still arise, thus solutions will sounds similar, but to have a "cure all" for relationship woes is about as likely as curing cancer.

Cool, I'll drop her a line then. OT does seem to have slowed down and to my relief, I haven't spotted any religion threads :smile:.

 

I too believe that no two relationships are the same, even if you can discern certain patterns, both individual and societal. Giving relationship advice is always tough anyway. There's often no telling what drew a couple together, how they function or sometimes sadly, why they stay together in the first place. Besides, any advice you give, even if it's asked for and quite sound, may meet with resentment and/or turn you from an innocent bystander into a somewhat more active pawn in a couple's downfall.

[bleep] the weirdness of me. Today, I had the chance to speak with the girl I have a crush on, practically one-on-one in school, and had 20 mins of free time aswell. And what did I do? I almost ran away, I like walked as fast as I could and ran up the stairs. I have no freaking idea, what went into me and I can chat with anybody just perfectly fine on the internet and usually otherwise aswell.

What do?

C://Files/Advice/Confidence_Encouragement/

Searching for files...

...

 

Sounds like you don't talk to people 1 on 1 very often. Work on changing that to build comfort in doing it in less comfortable situations. Talk to people. If you have a job, push conversations with clients, most people will respond in some way or another, and you'll learn from it. Sooner or later you won't even notice any awkwardness (and if you do, it'll feel so normal it won't matter). Then you'll have the confidence to speak to whomever whenever.

If I were you, I'd ask myself why I avoided the situation. Was there any practical reason for it (like, you're full of a cold or you were pretty sweaty and flustered, that sort of thing) or was it simply not wanting to potentially experience rejection? If it's the latter, then there's not really much advice I can give you, except to say that you won't ever know whether she likes if you don't take that chance and spend time with her. Is it better to avoid the situation and not have any chance with her? You posting on here suggests you don't think it is, but the only other option you have is to talk to her.

 

For what it's worth, almost everyone is nervous when they first get to know someone. Imagine someone walking up to you and trying to strike a conversation... it's pretty intimidating. But I bet you attempted to carry the conversation on, didn't you? Most people will reciprocate because most people like getting on with people around them, and they also like feeling as though someone takes an interest in them, their hobbies/interests and the people around them.

The thing is, I can speak with boys all day, all night without even thinking about it, and I have been able to maintain conversations and so on 1 on 1 with other girls aswell. This time, though, I don't know... Maybe it's because I really like that girl and I've never had a girlfriend or such before. There was one thing, there was one another girl that was also around, the friend of the girl that I like, but I am fairly certain she would have left...

I've spoken to that girl before, one on one aswell, but it has happened mainly when I am not too sober. I heard later that on one party I spoke with her for at least an hour in a row, even though I can't remember a thing of it... And I chat with her daily on messenger...

And I am in school, no job for me.

And it must be fright of rejection. Experienced the latter a lot in my previous school, even though it has been years since I left this school, I have been mentally wounded and I am not completely over it.

 

 

And I am freaking rambling again.

No, no, that's fine.

 

Just let me explore one thing though: Why does it matter that her friend was there?

I don't like being around strangers, and that girl sort of was a stranger to me...

Or actually, during our last party I had to physically throw out that girl's boyfriend, because he was totally wasted and started fighting with people and crawling on the floor. The girl itself was in Belgium at the time -_-

What's worse, I know nearly everyone around our school pretty well, but she is not one of them. And I have low self-esteem and I automatically think that people don't think of me well.

 

Damn, that doesn't explain everything. I am a mess. Just, I don't like being around people I don't know of. I'm fairly certain she has heard only good of me, but I can't guarantee it and I am a weird guy.

Unless this thing with you and her boyfriend was absolutely terrible, you can usually use humour to take the sting out of issues like that. The friend probably told her anyway. If you know people in your school that well, then I'd take that as a measure that people generally think you're a decent bloke. I wouldn't take it as something to reinforce low self-esteem.

 

In any case, as much as I'm trying to build your ego up, we're skirting around the issue. Next time, stop, say hello, strike up a conversation and see where things go. If it goes badly, no bother, chalk it down as experience so you'll be better at it next time.

I had (still struggle with occasionally) the same problem Saq. For me it was because I was afraid of the implications a conversation would carry. I felt like every word I'd say would be scrutinized and judged, so I kept to myself and avoided conversation. Whilst drunk, this inhibition disappears and I'll literally talk about anything, and looking at your description of what happened to you at the party(s) you're not too far from the same result.

 

What helps me is relaxing and not letting my mind get ahead of itself. I don't over think what I'm about to say, instead I focus on what they're saying. Being a good listener is a key to a good conversation (though it does help to think before you speak, as I've gotten myself into some trouble not doing so plenty of times). Next time you see yourself in that situation Saq, ask yourself why you want to turn away. Do you have nothing to talk about? Rattle your brain. Literally for any source of conversation topic. You wouldn't believe what some people are willing to go on about. But this brings me to my next point: always have something ready to talk about when you go out. If you plan on seeing anyone over the course of a day, make sure you have something discussion worthy in the back of your head. This could literally be an infinity of source topics, ranging from completely obscure to the most menial mainstream bull crap (ie: American politics). Try to pick something you know a good deal about and are comfortable talking about (avoid controversy unless you know your audience already agrees with you).

I'm going to tell you a little secret, and it might sound stupid and cliche but it has worked for me so far. Tonight we went out to a bar. it was PACKED. About 30 minutes before we left i noticed a group of girls, two of them really hot. One of them had a boyfriend so i focused my attention on the other one. I wanted to talk to her, but i had no idea what i would say at all. I decided [bleep] thin i'm going over there. So i walked up to her, say "Hey, what's up?"

Yes, not exactly the best line to open with, but whatever. We started talking and of course i had a general idea of what i was going to say. Start off with all the basic crap like where are you from (okay, might seem like something silly to ask, but as a foreigner this isn't exactly too stupid of a question to ask), what do you do for a living, etc. Then, if things go to plan, she would mention something that i can kind of talk about. If she doesn't, then keep asking her questions. Girls LOVE to talk. They will make the job so easy for you. You ask them one question and you've got a conversation going for 5 minutes easily. Then you ask them another question.

Like the girl i met tonight. I asked her what she did for a living and she spoke about that for a while and mentioned that she got offered another job but never took it. Boom, there was my next question, why didn't you take it?

Yes, this all seems like the average guy's attempt at picking up a girl but it does work. It won't work 100% of the time, but like the guy said in Anchor Man "60% of the time it works every time" and that's kind of the attitude you need to go with.

Most girl, like i said, love talking. If you ask them questions, no matter how stupid, you show interest, in something more than just what they look like. This is always a good thing. When the conversation starts dying down, this is when you want to get out of there. Tell her you should get back to your friend, or that you're about to leave (even if you're not, [bleep] lie to her). Tell her you would love to continue the conversation some other time and get her number. Then say your goodbyes and gtfo.

 

Now things might be a bit different if you're still in school, but the basic principle will still apply.

 

I heard something a while back that kind of stuck with me: "A good player know when it's a lost cause and needs to get out of there and a good player knows when to wrap things up, get the number, and leave"

Not an exact quote, but close enough.

RPG, this is quite exactly me.

And what else, as I've said, I can easily chat with someone on messenger for hours on end, without it getting boring. I know boatloads of random bullshit, and I actually was in the team that won the national quizzing championships in primary school.

But yes, that talking in real life, face to face, I kinda tend to get awkward silences since I am scrutinizing and thinking about what to say. And my mind gets completely wiped out when I am with someone I like...

And I have that problem even when a little drunk, like someone is holding me back (it's me, I know), I am only free when I am so drunk that I don't care about anything anymore and quite probably won't remember the details next morning...

But what one is capable of doing drunk, must also be possible whilst sober.

That sounds like an awesome life mantra of some sort.