"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[Ginger_Warrior]

Solution: Find the support and positivity from sources other than relationships, although you should still search for relationships which are supportive in nature.

[Bonez899]

Hmm, there is a girl. She used to text me all the time, talk all the time in class with me, and just generally seemed to be around me more. I've been told that she may like me but anytime that it was brought up, jokingly or not, she completely refused the point and got what seemed very defensive and annoyed over it. Lately the interaction has been mainly cut to during classes, same as always, but there is next to no texting going on. I honestly have had friends of hers, when she wasn't there, come up to me and say that they think she might like me, but the fact is that she is quite a spontaneous/bubbly-ish type person and it is next to impossible to say. Now, I am most likely overthinking and should just go back to smashing people at football, but lately she seems to be going out of her way to act more flirt-ish and interact in the way she interacts with me with people she has stated she hates, dislikes, or definitly doesn't like. Therefore I am reading (probably) to far into this but I think she is trying to make me jealous. At any rate I present this to those at Tip.it who have more experience than me.

[Giordano]

I'd say she likes you. Ask her out to a date, quickly. You've waited too long already.

[RpgGamer]

She also sounds bat shit crazy. I like that.

[Omar]

We've noticed.

[Jeffwilson99]

^One of the great calls!

[RpgGamer]

We've noticed.

 

=D>

[obfuscator]

It's not a good thing...I don't know why you're proud of it. You claim to want a successful marriage yet you like girls who are "bat shit crazy". It's marriages like that which are basically doomed to divorce.

[Omar]

Yeah, you totally coopted my post.

[RpgGamer]

I've also mentioned that I truly don't know what I want and just kind of go with whatever I want in the moment in complete disregard to any long term effects. Which is obviously not a great way to make decisions, but once I'm satisfied with my blatant recklessness I do plan on leading a normal vanilla white bread life.

[obfuscator]

I've also mentioned that I truly don't know what I want and just kind of go with whatever I want in the moment in complete disregard to any long term effects. Which is obviously not a great way to make decisions, but once I'm satisfied with my blatant recklessness I do plan on leading a normal vanilla white bread life.

 

And have you thought that perhaps going with "whatever you want" "blatantly recklessly" may have some affect on your future ability to lead a "vanilla white bread life"?

[Omar]

Yeah, I'd be cool with your plan if it wasn't for the fact that you don't get second chances for everything. You can say whatever you want about poly, but if there's one thing you can't disagree with Muggi on, it's that you need to think your relationships through.

[Sir_Squab]

Sounds to me like you don't know what you actually want. And that it's gonna cause conflict down the road. And I'm pretty sure you aren't gonna magically wake up some day and say "k, time to start living the boring white bread life now." The fact that you think of it as boring is proof of this. Figure out what you want and actually go for it.

 

Also, I feel like a huge hyppocrit for this post >__>

[Noxx]

Sounds to me like you don't know what you actually want. And that it's gonna cause conflict down the road. And I'm pretty sure you aren't gonna magically wake up some day and say "k, time to start living the boring white bread life now." The fact that you think of it as boring is proof of this. Figure out what you want and actually go for it.

 

Also, I feel like a huge hyppocrit for this post >__>

 

Most people that write a post like that would, and should. I know if i wrote it i would. Because i always find myself giving similar advice to my friends, yet i'm in exactly the same position.

But that's just because saying is so much easier than doing.

 

Also i'm pretty sure most of us knows what we want, but we're just actually too scared to go out there and get it.

I know i want to be with one girl, a girl who loves me as much as i will love her, and someone whos willing to die for me as i would be willing to die for them. The thing that is holding me back from that, at this point in my life, is reality and fear.

I'm scared that one day i'll think i'm at that point, and then she leaves me because she gets bored of me or she figures out how big of an [wagon] i really am. And that's the reality of it. That's what's really keeping me back right now. Of course other people might have other reasons, but i think most of us that have this problem with have a similar type of reason.

 

I feel like, for the past 4 or 6 weeks i've been a bit of a dirt bag. For some reason i'm still very stuck on Claire. We were "together" for just about 3 months but i am stuck on her. We still talk a lot, even though we have not seen each other in a while now.

Today she told me she would really like to go flying with me. Now you guys might not understand, but this is a really big deal for me and or her.

Since the day i met her i've been trying to get her to fly with me. She always told me how scared she was of even flying in an airliner, so her asking me "So when are you going to take me flying?" is a very big deal. Anyway... i'm just really stuck on her, and i feel like she is too. There's a weird vibe between us. Like there's so many unspoken words in the air whenever we talk. She wants to tell me something that she can't.

On our first date i remember making a joke about something and i remember telling her something along the lines of "Well i'll try not to make you fall for me, i promise."

The other day we were talking she told me "You never kept your promise (nervous giggle)."

Took me a few days of thinking to figure out what she meant (or what i thought she meant). I felt really happy about it but at the same time very angry at myself. And the following will also explain why i called myself an [wagon] earlier on in this essay:

 

Sometimes i feel like i need to make up for my own insecurities with material things. I'd buy everyone drinks when we go out. I'd flash a lot of money. I'd make people well aware of what i have. I'd have no problem telling people how much money i have, or how much money my dad makes (and i really could not give two [bleep]s if they believed me or not) because i feel like people would think more of me than just the sad person that i really am. Sometimes i think im really angry at life, and i am constantly reminded of things that would keep me up for days. Terrible things that have happened to family members, having to abort a baby (yes, one of my ex's had to get an abortion. I am a [bleep]ing murdered). These things keep me up at night, and they have turned me into a cold, arrogant prick. I am so ashamed of some of the things i have done in the past that i think its easier to just throw money around because people wont ask questions then. Buying friends is a lot easier than making them, because friends you buy don't give a shit about who you are, just what you have. But friends you make...they care about who you are.

I still care greatly about Claire, and i don't know why, but i've been such an [wagon]. Not only to her, but to 3 other girls. The barmaid i met. I told her that i was not seeing anyone, but i wanted nothing more than friends with her anyway. Sh just got out of a bad relationship, and it's going to be easy to take advantage of that. I feel like a dick for even thinking it.

My neighbour... i think she actually likes me. Her house mate is one of my best friends, and he tells me she constantly asks about me and talks about me to him. He told me he thinks she really likes me. I've just been "using" her for sex. I've given her the wrong idea, and leading her on. I've been an [wagon] to her.

I've been an [wagon] to Meghan (this was the first girl i met at the bar, the week before i met Claire). I was already trying to get with her when i started "seeing" Claire. I made her think she was the only one, but when she turned her back i would text Claire. I make these girls think i'm this sweet innocent guy, but i'm really an [wagon].

 

I feel really bad for these girls. Because truth be told, they will never see the real me. I dont even think i know who the real me is anymore. I'm a different person to everyone. And i'm really so scared of ruining another person's life like i did to my ex, when she had to get the abortion. The only reason she did it was so that it would not ruin the relationship i had with my parents and i allowed her to do it because im a selfish prick.

 

 

I'm sorry i've rambled on like this. I just thought you all deserved to know that the guy whom some of you might have though of as a respectable guy is actually worse than most guys you classify as [wagon].

 

I do want to thank each and every one of you guys though, that has given me advice, told me to man up, what ever it may have been. It's partly due to all of that which made me come to this realisation.

I am not the person i thought i was.

 

I love you guys <3

[muggiwhplar]

I decided to "permanently" quit posting in this thread last week since I felt like I was wasting a lot of my time and energy posting here nowadays, particularly since most of the posts on this thread belong to at least one of the following categories:

1. Asking questions that have already been answered time and time again over the past several years

2. Asking questions that you already know the answer to, yet want a different answer because they're afraid to do what needs to be done

3. Posting about recurring problems that you've done nothing to solve or prevent

4. Me being a contrarian jerk

5. People arguing with me for being a contrarian jerk :P

 

However, Noxx's post here is slightly out of the ordinary and right down my alley so I don't mind responding :D Even though Noxx is making mistakes, it's very nice to see that he's still out there trying to succeed. Now, if he continues to post about the same problems while clearly doing nothing to solve/prevent them, then I'll just quit taking his posts seriously and stop responding. :D But let's hope that doesn't happen!

 

Okay, let's get to work *cracks knuckles*

 

But that's just because saying is so much easier than doing.

 

Yup! Most of the time, people don't even try to do things. If you actually make an attempt to do something, regardless of how terrifying it is, most of the time you'll find that it's not as terrifying as you thought it was, and then you can really start making some significant progress towards your goals. To be honest, I think taking such risks actually gets to be quite fun and exciting once you actually realize that if you want to increase your long-term happiness, you'll have to temporarily sacrifice your short-term happiness. The happiness and "scary" goals timeline looks like:

 

1. Set uncomfortable goal because you believe it'll make you happier in the long run when it's complete

 

Many people quit here, before they've even started. They'll say they want something, but refuse to actually pursue it for various reasons (fear, uncertainty, false beliefs, stubbornness, laziness, etc.).

 

2. Begin working towards uncomfortable goal and start feeling unhappy because you're outside of your comfort zone

 

At this point, something interesting happens, and this is what separates people with high emotional intelligence from people with low emotional intelligence. By working towards your goal, depending on how "intense" it is, you'll have the urge to abandon it because it's making you feel uncomfortable. Maybe you're abandoning your diet because you're sick of the effort required to count calories, or eat foods you dislike, or not eat foods you love; or if you're tired of awkwardly talking to hot girls and getting rejected. During this discomfort, you can either revert to how you were before you pursued the goal and increase your happiness back to the level it used to be at; OR...

 

3. Allow this new goal to become "normal" for you and therefore "comfortable"

 

Once you make it over the "discomfort hump," and start making real progress with your goal, then all of that progress will directly translate over to your long-term happiness. The more successful you become, the happier you become. And, more importantly, the happier you will be compared to if you had abandoned your goal prematurely or not even attempted it at all.

 

Also i'm pretty sure most of us knows what we want, but we're just actually too scared to go out there and get it.

I know i want to be with one girl, a girl who loves me as much as i will love her, and someone whos willing to die for me as i would be willing to die for them. The thing that is holding me back from that, at this point in my life, is reality and fear.

I'm scared that one day i'll think i'm at that point, and then she leaves me because she gets bored of me or she figures out how big of an [wagon] i really am. And that's the reality of it. That's what's really keeping me back right now. Of course other people might have other reasons, but i think most of us that have this problem with have a similar type of reason.

 

There are tons of women that can make you feel that way. And they're not hard to find, either. However, if you insist on promising eternal monogamy to her, then she will eventually get bored of you or get sick of you being an [wagon]. That's reality, and it's your job to structure your life such that this unpleasant reality doesn't conflict with your long-term happiness. I'm not going to elaborate on this right now since I've beaten that horse to death and I'm not in the mood to debate everyone on it again for the next few days. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to discuss it further, though.

 

I feel like, for the past 4 or 6 weeks i've been a bit of a dirt bag. For some reason i'm still very stuck on Claire. We were "together" for just about 3 months but i am stuck on her. We still talk a lot, even though we have not seen each other in a while now.

Today she told me she would really like to go flying with me. Now you guys might not understand, but this is a really big deal for me and or her.

Since the day i met her i've been trying to get her to fly with me. She always told me how scared she was of even flying in an airliner, so her asking me "So when are you going to take me flying?" is a very big deal. Anyway... i'm just really stuck on her, and i feel like she is too. There's a weird vibe between us. Like there's so many unspoken words in the air whenever we talk. She wants to tell me something that she can't.

On our first date i remember making a joke about something and i remember telling her something along the lines of "Well i'll try not to make you fall for me, i promise."

The other day we were talking she told me "You never kept your promise (nervous giggle)."

Took me a few days of thinking to figure out what she meant (or what i thought she meant). I felt really happy about it but at the same time very angry at myself. And the following will also explain why i called myself an [wagon] earlier on in this essay:

 

Clearly you've got "oneitis" for Claire. Next time you're feeling happy, rational, and clear-minded, you need to sit down and figure out what you want with her. In other words, pick a time when you feel your emotions won't be clouding your judgment. This is going to be hard since you're already emotional by default, and it's something that you should consider before you get into this situation again in the future. I wrote about this more in-depth here.

 

You basically need to figure out what kind of relationship you want with Claire, and then you need to make it clear to her what you want. Otherwise you're setting yourself up for misery down the road. Since you have oneitis for her, this rules out keeping her as a friend with benefits. So your "abridged" options are:

1. Long-term polyamorous relationship with her: keep seeing her like you've been seeing her, but tell her you're going to keep seeing other girls and if she doesn't want to keep seeing you, then you'll understand

2. Serial monogamy with her: get exclusive with her and enjoy those honeymoon feelings, but don't do anything stupid like get engaged, and be prepared for the relationship to end in about 3 years. Make it clear that you aren't interested in marriage right now. And if you genuinely don't want to get married, then don't lead her on by saying things like "Well maybe down the road..." just to keep her from dumping you. If you do want to get married (God help me), then save that discussion with her for another time.

 

Option #1 is the more emotionally difficult option, but better for you in the long run. Option #2 is the much easier option, but it will lead to more problems down the road than option #1. To be perfectly honest, given your current emotional state, I'd go with option #2 and then immediately start focusing your time and energy on getting your shit together so you won't have this problem in the future.

 

There's many more options than those two, but they're largely irrelevant given your circumstances.

 

Sometimes i feel like i need to make up for my own insecurities with material things. I'd buy everyone drinks when we go out.

 

Fun psychology fact: spending money on others makes you a happier person. The amount of money you spend is irrelevant. Spending money on yourself, however, usually won't make you any happier.

 

I'd flash a lot of money. I'd make people well aware of what i have. I'd have no problem telling people how much money i have, or how much money my dad makes (and i really could not give two [bleep]s if they believed me or not) because i feel like people would think more of me than just the sad person that i really am.

 

Why do you think you're a sad person? If you're unhappy with how your life is currently going, then change it. If you can't change it right now, figure out what you need to do to make change possible and do that ASAP!

 

Sometimes i think im really angry at life, and i am constantly reminded of things that would keep me up for days. Terrible things that have happened to family members, having to abort a baby (yes, one of my ex's had to get an abortion. I am a [bleep]ing murdered).

 

Abortion is another issue that I'm not really interested in debating the ethics of, however I believe that abortion is a wise idea if you're not mature enough (emotionally and/or financially) to raise a child. At your age, having a child would be a terrible idea-- for you, for your girlfriend, and for your unborn child. I'm not going to try and convince you that my beliefs on the matter are "right," so instead you just need to learn that the past is in the past, and there's nothing you can do about it. If an abortion will make you feel like a murderer, then you need to either abstain from having sex, or be damn sure that all of the following conditions are met if you choose to keep having sex:

1. You always wear a condom, unless she's had her tubes tied or something, and has the medical records to prove it

2. She's on a reliable form of birth control that doesn't force you to rely on her or trust her. In other words, the pill is not sufficient. I wonder how many babies are born because women "forgot" to take the pill.

3. You always make sure that you "clean up" to prevent any "accidents"

4. You always make sure that the condom doesn't break.

5. You have morning after pills and pregnancy tests in your bathroom, accessible at all times

6. You check the expiration date and keep your condoms in a safe, secure location that only you know about

 

People have babies because they don't follow those simple precautions. There's going to be a close-to-zero chance of getting a girl pregnant if you follow those steps. However, if you're still completely unable to bear the thought of an abortion, then you need to figure out what you're going to do if you're faced with such a situation again in the future BEFORE YOU START HAVING SEX AGAIN. Are you going to have an abortion again and feel miserable for doing so? Or are you going to raise a child that you're completely "unqualified" to have?

 

These things keep me up at night, and they have turned me into a cold, arrogant prick. I am so ashamed of some of the things i have done in the past that i think its easier to just throw money around because people wont ask questions then. Buying friends is a lot easier than making them, because friends you buy don't give a shit about who you are, just what you have. But friends you make...they care about who you are.

 

If your "friends" don't give a shit about who you are, then they aren't really friends. Part of developing a very close and loving friendship is being open with that person-- and that includes sharing some of your lowest lows. The closer you are to someone, the more understanding they will be of your problems. You might even be pleasantly surprised to find that some of your friends have been in the exact same situations as you. But you won't know that until you come to terms with your demons and become comfortable with making yourself more open to others.

 

I used to have a similar problem, but when I went to college and basically hit the "restart button" on my life and made new friends, I made a deal with myself that I'd be as genuine and open as possible with everybody. By doing so, I was able to quickly screen out who was worth developing a friendship with, and who wasn't. Not everyone will appreciate you for who you are. Not everybody will like you. That's something you have to eventually accept if you want to grow. Just keep in mind that rejection isn't necessarily a bad thing. If someone rejects you-- either as a friend or a lover-- then you can think of it in one of two ways:

1. I'm an inferior being. I'm of low-quality and this person doesn't want anything to do with me because I'm worthless.

2. I'm glad I found out so quickly that this person and I don't get along; I dodged that bullet! That wouldn't have been a good friendship!

 

I still care greatly about Claire, and i don't know why, but i've been such an [wagon]. Not only to her, but to 3 other girls. The barmaid i met. I told her that i was not seeing anyone, but i wanted nothing more than friends with her anyway. Sh just got out of a bad relationship, and it's going to be easy to take advantage of that. I feel like a dick for even thinking it.

 

Disclaimer for your relationships: If you haven't had sex or promised monogamy with any of these girls yet, then you're making mountains out of molehills and shouldn't feel bad about anything you've been doing since you really haven't "done" anything with these girls yet to put you in that position. My advice is given under the assumption that you've had sex with each of these girls.

 

If you just want her as a friend with benefits, I don't see how that's "taking advantage" of her if:

a) she enjoys having sex with you

b) she doesn't want a relationship with you

 

However, if you've led her to believe that you want to be her boyfriend, then yes, that's your fault and you need to make it clear what your intentions are. If she agrees, awesome. If she doesn't, then quit seeing her. It's unfair and cowardly to lead her on.

 

My neighbour... i think she actually likes me. Her house mate is one of my best friends, and he tells me she constantly asks about me and talks about me to him. He told me he thinks she really likes me. I've just been "using" her for sex. I've given her the wrong idea, and leading her on. I've been an [wagon] to her.

 

Same advice as for the barmaid. You're going to keep feeling bad until you follow my advice, and rightfully so.

 

I've been an [wagon] to Meghan (this was the first girl i met at the bar, the week before i met Claire). I was already trying to get with her when i started "seeing" Claire. I made her think she was the only one, but when she turned her back i would text Claire. I make these girls think i'm this sweet innocent guy, but i'm really an [wagon].

 

To be honest, I'm surprised you're having so much "success" by masquerading as a "sweet innocent guy," lol. Usually guys do the opposite when they're trying to get laid. I think I know why it's working for you, but that's another topic. Anyways...

 

Basically the same advice I've already given you. I'll elaborate more in a moment.

 

I feel really bad for these girls. Because truth be told, they will never see the real me. I dont even think i know who the real me is anymore. I'm a different person to everyone. And i'm really so scared of ruining another person's life like i did to my ex, when she had to get the abortion. The only reason she did it was so that it would not ruin the relationship i had with my parents and i allowed her to do it because im a selfish prick.

 

Well, allowing a girl to see the "real you" is another big topic beyond the scope of my response here. But if you want to discuss it in-depth, feel free to shoot me a PM or something.

 

There's a saying that you can only love others as much as you love yourself. I think right now your main issue is your self-esteem, rather than your actions. Let's say, however, that you actually were "genuine" with all of these girls and then continued seeing all of them simultaneously. Do you think you would still feel guilty? I'm just trying to determine if this is purely an emotional issue, or if it's also a matter of personal beliefs and morality. Sometimes we feel bad about ourselves even when we rationally know that we shouldn't. Do you rationally believe that you shouldn't feel bad about yourself, but just not emotionally?

 

I'm sorry i've rambled on like this. I just thought you all deserved to know that the guy whom some of you might have though of as a respectable guy is actually worse than most guys you classify as [wagon].

 

I do want to thank each and every one of you guys though, that has given me advice, told me to man up, what ever it may have been. It's partly due to all of that which made me come to this realisation.

I am not the person i thought i was.

 

I love you guys <3

 

Even though I disagree with your recent behavior, I understand where you're coming from and why you did it. In other words, I'm not judging you or anything. Let me know if you need any more help. :)

[obfuscator]

I won't go in depth like muggi already has, but I want to add that this concept of "the real you" is nonexistent and just serves as a crutch for you to deal with your guilt.

 

Who you are is how you act, and if you act like a douche...well, sorry to break it to you, but "the real you" is a douche.

 

That's not to say you can't change who you are; you can and should.

 

Respect? Quite honestly, I don't really respect any of the regulars on this thread. The people who post here are generally so emotionally insecure that all advice is pretty much wasted anyway. This shouldn't be called the "relationship advice" thread really, it should be called "the relationship sympathy thread", because that's really all anyone wants around here.

Anyway, there's my little rant.

[Sumpta]

Well, it's been a long while since I gave any advice here and I didn't follow Noxx's story from the start, but mainly I'd say that, if you feel you've been doing things wrong, it's time to sit down and decide how to make them right.

 

Figure out why you want to pursue Claire. Weigh both the rational and the irrational. If you feel your reasons are sound(ish) and in tune with the life you want to lead, go for her. Regardless of your decision, be open with her about what you want from her, tell her why you acted the way you did and explain her your worries. Maybe gradually, you will be able to be yourself around her (the real you) and let her in. Maybe you won't. Either way, things won't change from one day to the next.

 

Stop messing around with the other three girls. Be open with the girl you've been sleeping with, it's the least you owe her. Don't underestimate her/them. Don't treat them as though they're dumb or blind in their (possible) infatuation with you. They're all equal partners in this, so treat them as such. Do the adult thing. If you can have sex with them, you can talk to them. Things might be easier and simpler than you think. If things are difficult though, and you have two or three pissed-off women on your hands, bear it as the consequence of your actions, but don't fall into a deep well of guilty feelings.

 

Stop your self-loathing. Abortion is NOT murder. It sucks, it should be avoided and it's not something to make light of. The fact that it still bothers you, shows that exactly. But it happens, more than you might think, and it is the responsible thing to do under your circumstances. Don't forget your ex's part in this. You were both in it, and I assume she had reasons for the abortion as much as you did. As Mugg said, it's in the past now, not much you can do but to grieve, learn from it and let it go.

 

Also, pretty much everybody tends to be a douche in matters of love. We all mess up royally at some point of our lives, because of reasons and complications and difficulties. Love and sex are messy affairs. We all get our hearts broken, we all trample others' along the way.

 

ETA:

I feel really bad for these girls. Because truth be told, they will never see the real me.

 

This is the only truly douchey thing I've read in your post. Dude, seriously. These girls are separate, active, equal actors; they don't exist by your grace and presence alone and they won't fall apart from never having seen the ~true glory~ of your person.

[Noxx]

 

ETA:

I feel really bad for these girls. Because truth be told, they will never see the real me.

 

This is the only truly douchey thing I've read in your post. Dude, seriously. These girls are separate, active, equal actors; they don't exist by your grace and presence alone and they won't fall apart from never having seen the ~true glory~ of your person.

 

Completely misunderstood that to be quite honest. I'm saying these girls think i'm Mr. nice guy, when in fact im an [wagon]. The reason i fell sorry is because they actually fall for my stupid act, and they deserve much better.

You really think that after everything i wrote, i actually think i'm the best thing since sliced bread? You ACTUALLY think that i think i'm better than these girls?

 

Edited October 29, 2012 by Kimberly

[Giordano]

And what the hell do you know what they've done Noxx? Nobody is a nice-guy, we all have aspirations for something or someone. You're putting these girls on too high of a status. I'm not saying you ARE better than them but you must realize that you'll never know and it's pointless to put yourself down like that, regardless what you've done.

 

Respect? Quite honestly, I don't really respect any of the regulars on this thread. The people who post here are generally so emotionally insecure that all advice is pretty much wasted anyway. This shouldn't be called the "relationship advice" thread really, it should be called "the relationship sympathy thread", because that's really all anyone wants around here.

Anyway, there's my little rant.

Pretty interesting. I've had certain feelings about this thread, but I never could put it to words. You did.

[Sumpta]

ETA:

I feel really bad for these girls. Because truth be told, they will never see the real me.

 

This is the only truly douchey thing I've read in your post. Dude, seriously. These girls are separate, active, equal actors; they don't exist by your grace and presence alone and they won't fall apart from never having seen the ~true glory~ of your person.

 

Completely misunderstood that to be quite honest. I'm saying these girls think i'm Mr. nice guy, when in fact im an [wagon]. The reason i fell sorry is because they actually fall for my stupid act, and they deserve much better.

You really think that after everything i wrote, i actually think i'm the best thing since sliced bread? You ACTUALLY think that i think i'm better than these girls?

 

I don't think you think you're better, but I do have the impression you're making it all about you. All I'm saying is to be open with these girls. You might find them more understanding and forgiving than you think, which in its turn may make you feel less guilty too.

Edited October 29, 2012 by Kimberly

[RpgGamer]

@Noxx

 

Even a character you claim to portray is still part of who you are, give yourself some credit. I think you're a pretty swell guy that's lived life pretty intensely. There's some darker chapters in the book of your life sure, but I'm still reading intently ;)

 

@Muggiw

 

"To be honest, I'm surprised you're having so much "success" by masquerading as a "sweet innocent guy," lol. Usually guys do the opposite when they're trying to get laid. I think I know why it's working for you, but that's another topic. Anyways...

 

Basically the same advice I've already given you. I'll elaborate more in a moment."

 

And I'm curious why you're so shocked at the success of such a genuine persona. But I suppose we could PM over it instead of flooding the thread again.

 

--

 

As for my prior comments, I don't think it's going to be a "wake up and flip my life around" experience anymore than it was to get to the point where I am. I once wanted as Noxx described, that undying love relationship of pure harmony yada yada. Realistically I've learned this is very difficult to achieve, if at all possible. I lived with that as my goal, and I had it working fairly well for a good period of time. Doing so kept me from leading what most people would consider a normal early-mid adolescence. I want to experience what I missed. I want to re-experience what I liked. Now unfortunately I've let an opportunity or two for a great relationship pass me by, but by reading Muggiw's posts I've learned it's really not the end of the world. I still look back on those moments of mistakes with a twinge of remorse, but I know better than to dwell on it. I can't express what it is that I am truly looking for, because as I've said I don't know what it is specifically. Until I figure it out, I don't think it's fair to even chase after the "goal" of being in a super serious relationship. Instead I'm taking this time to learn what's available, how to achieve it, and learn what I do want. Qualities in people I look for, and such. And I've learned a good deal about myself in the past few years of singularity. For one, I'm not the "super nice guy" I'd convinced myself I was previously. I'm also not a monster. I'm reserved, but can be hyper-sexual. I no longer mind being alone for periods of time like I used to. So no, the re-assimilation of "vanilla" in my life won't be an over night thing. But I can say with certainty that I won't let another opportunity slip because of carelessness. And perhaps that'll be the day my transformation begins. Until then, I will continue to party, make mistakes, one night stand attempts, and other such none-sense. When I become satisfied with my experiences in doing so, that may also be a message to change my goal seeking pattern.

[Noxx]

My biggest problem when it comes to Claire is that i know exactly what i want. I want to give the two of us a chance, and see what happens. But that's a totally unrealistic expectation. I've got 3, maybe 4, more months left in the US before i head back home. Let's say for argument sake that for the next 3-4 months things between me and Claire go amazing. Then i leave. Then what...

I can't expect her, or any other girl for that matter, to just drop her whole life and move back with a guy she has not known for that long. Life in the Middle East is a lot different than life in the US. Not only will she have to deal with making many, many adaptions to her life, she will also have to get used to living with me, living in a new place and being alone (alone as in, only having me) for a while. Trust me when i say this, it is not easy.

But the fact that i can't give me and her a chance is what is pissing me off the most. It feels almost unfair, in a way.

I kind of read through what i posted last night and laughed a bit at myself. It came across as very petty, and very much like i was seeking sympathy. That was really not my intention. Was just a bit of a crazy day yesterday and it felt good to get some things off my chest, regardless of how they came out.

I actually think i have a much higher self-esteem than what i show (have shown) in this thread. I've managed to get to know 6 extremely beautiful girls in the course of 4 months (or something like that) by being a person i liked being (the nice guy). Clearly there's something i must be doing right.

A lot of what the people in this thread have said, whether to me or to someone else, as stirred a lot thought in my head and it has made me change the way i think not only about myself, but about other people. And it's kind of changed me for the good in a way, i think.

I think sometimes i try to come across as a bad-ass, [wagon], whatever you want to call it but i remember something my ex once told me after we broke up. She told me that i'll always try to be the [wagon] because it's lot easier living like that, because you get walked over a lot less. But sadly my personality does not fit the profile because i care way too much (which is true as well, because i'd pretty much do anything to make the people around me smile/laugh regardless of how long i've known them).

 

Thank you Muggi and Sumpta for the words. I think i really over-anilize myself for some reason. But i should just remember that i'm human too and i'm allowed to make mistakes too. I'm not saying this trying to make it sound like i'm super-human, but rather just i have high expectations of myself (maybe a bit too high).

[muggiwhplar]

@Muggiw

 

"To be honest, I'm surprised you're having so much "success" by masquerading as a "sweet innocent guy," lol. Usually guys do the opposite when they're trying to get laid. I think I know why it's working for you, but that's another topic. Anyways...

 

Basically the same advice I've already given you. I'll elaborate more in a moment."

 

And I'm curious why you're so shocked at the success of such a genuine persona. But I suppose we could PM over it instead of flooding the thread again.

 

Well, keep in mind that in Noxx's case it's not exactly a "genuine persona." ;) Being genuine is ALWAYS a good thing. I was referring more to the "nice guy" persona he's demonstrating-- that persona usually just gets people friendzoned. So I imagine he's acting like a "good person," but not the stereotypical needy "nice guy." If that makes sense.

 

As for my prior comments, I don't think it's going to be a "wake up and flip my life around" experience anymore than it was to get to the point where I am. I once wanted as Noxx described, that undying love relationship of pure harmony yada yada. Realistically I've learned this is very difficult to achieve, if at all possible. I lived with that as my goal, and I had it working fairly well for a good period of time. Doing so kept me from leading what most people would consider a normal early-mid adolescence. I want to experience what I missed. I want to re-experience what I liked. Now unfortunately I've let an opportunity or two for a great relationship pass me by, but by reading Muggiw's posts I've learned it's really not the end of the world. I still look back on those moments of mistakes with a twinge of remorse, but I know better than to dwell on it. I can't express what it is that I am truly looking for, because as I've said I don't know what it is specifically. Until I figure it out, I don't think it's fair to even chase after the "goal" of being in a super serious relationship. Instead I'm taking this time to learn what's available, how to achieve it, and learn what I do want. Qualities in people I look for, and such. And I've learned a good deal about myself in the past few years of singularity. For one, I'm not the "super nice guy" I'd convinced myself I was previously. I'm also not a monster. I'm reserved, but can be hyper-sexual. I no longer mind being alone for periods of time like I used to. So no, the re-assimilation of "vanilla" in my life won't be an over night thing. But I can say with certainty that I won't let another opportunity slip because of carelessness. And perhaps that'll be the day my transformation begins. Until then, I will continue to party, make mistakes, one night stand attempts, and other such none-sense. When I become satisfied with my experiences in doing so, that may also be a message to change my goal seeking pattern.

 

I was in the same boat as you after I started examining the "reality" of monogamy and the alternatives. I didn't pursue relationships seriously because I knew what I didn't want, but I didn't yet know what I did want. At the time, I didn't want the poly lifestyle that I currently have because I didn't think I was emotionally mature enough to handle it, and I also felt like it was somehow deceptive or "unfair" to the girls I was seeing.

 

However, the thing that ultimately made me choose to commit to polyamory was when I sat down and examined my options without any clouded emotional judgments. Looking at all of the relationships my friends-- both male and female-- were in, I realized that their relationships were gradually losing their spark and becoming less "beneficial" towards their long-term happiness. Even my friends who really have their shit together and are seemingly a perfect match with their partner followed the same path as everyone else-- just at a slower pace.

 

So, back to my anti-poly reasoning, I realized that I was afraid of hurting girls feelings and making them less happy in the long run. But then I realized that regardless of which option I choose, the girl is going to eventually have to accept some discomfort along the way-- either accepting that I'm boring her; accepting that I'm cheating on her; or accepting that I'm not going to get exclusive with her. As I've said before, polyamory is by no means a perfect system, however when its negatives are compared to monogamy's negatives, poly was certainly the lesser of the evils.

 

My biggest problem when it comes to Claire is that i know exactly what i want. I want to give the two of us a chance, and see what happens. But that's a totally unrealistic expectation. I've got 3, maybe 4, more months left in the US before i head back home. Let's say for argument sake that for the next 3-4 months things between me and Claire go amazing. Then i leave. Then what...

I can't expect her, or any other girl for that matter, to just drop her whole life and move back with a guy she has not known for that long. Life in the Middle East is a lot different than life in the US. Not only will she have to deal with making many, many adaptions to her life, she will also have to get used to living with me, living in a new place and being alone (alone as in, only having me) for a while. Trust me when i say this, it is not easy.

But the fact that i can't give me and her a chance is what is pissing me off the most. It feels almost unfair, in a way.

I kind of read through what i posted last night and laughed a bit at myself. It came across as very petty, and very much like i was seeking sympathy. That was really not my intention. Was just a bit of a crazy day yesterday and it felt good to get some things off my chest, regardless of how they came out.

I actually think i have a much higher self-esteem than what i show (have shown) in this thread. I've managed to get to know 6 extremely beautiful girls in the course of 4 months (or something like that) by being a person i liked being (the nice guy). Clearly there's something i must be doing right.

A lot of what the people in this thread have said, whether to me or to someone else, as stirred a lot thought in my head and it has made me change the way i think not only about myself, but about other people. And it's kind of changed me for the good in a way, i think.

I think sometimes i try to come across as a bad-ass, [wagon], whatever you want to call it but i remember something my ex once told me after we broke up. She told me that i'll always try to be the [wagon] because it's lot easier living like that, because you get walked over a lot less. But sadly my personality does not fit the profile because i care way too much (which is true as well, because i'd pretty much do anything to make the people around me smile/laugh regardless of how long i've known them).

 

Thank you Muggi and Sumpta for the words. I think i really over-anilize myself for some reason. But i should just remember that i'm human too and i'm allowed to make mistakes too. I'm not saying this trying to make it sound like i'm super-human, but rather just i have high expectations of myself (maybe a bit too high).

 

[hide=Smartass anti-monogamy comment]

Well, this distance thing with Claire wouldn't really be an issue to begin with if you believed that all relationships are only temporary. But since that's not the case... :P

[/hide]

 

Does Claire know that you're moving yet?

 

Since you're moving regardless, you might as well enjoy these experiences while you've got them. You can still Skype with her or something when you move, but for the love of God, DON'T PURSUE A LONG-DISTANCE MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP. That's literally the worst thing you could both possibly do. It may be tempting to get that emotional security, but it's not worth it.

 

If I were you, I'd get monogamous with her and then break up when you move, or just allow yourselves to both see other people. But make it clear so that she understands this as well. And if she doesn't agree to it, then you'll probably have to cut your losses and move on. It sucks, but that's life sometimes. Cutting a girl out of your life whom you have very strong feelings for is very difficult, but it will make you a stronger person in the long run. Ask me how I know. :)

[Randox]

I guess what you really need to do Noxx is think this through some more, but also think about how you are going to look back on this once you move.

 

If you pursue a relationship, there are four possible outcomes, only two of which I believe are realistic:

Option 1: You and her date, it goes well, and she moves back with you.

Option 2: You and her date, it goes well, and you stay in the states with her.

Option 3: You and her date, it goes well, and you move back home without her with memories of your time together.

Option 4: You and her date, it goes bad, and you break up before you move back home.

 

You've been holding yourself back for 2 or 3 weeks now right? Are you feeling any better about that or is she on your mind all the time? You are going to be miserable at some point either way. You are going to be sad when you leave her behind when you go home, probably either way, though I would suspect sadder if you and her date. On the other hand, not being with her right now seems to be making you miserable on some level.

 

Going back to what I said about memories, how are you going to look at this 6 months down the road? How about 5 years? At the risk of sounding like a movie, if you decide not to pursue her now, you should be very certain that 5 years down the line you aren't going to look back at this time now and regret not experiencing every moment moment with her that you could, while you still had the chance. Yes, if you two date and are still going strong when you move back home, it is going to suck something awful. But this is something you can get over in time. You have an ex so you might even have an idea of how long that might take. If you end up regretting this later on in life, this is something that could eat you up for the rest of your life.

 

So whatever you choose to do, make certain it is a choice you can live with.

[Kimberly]

While this thread does discuss a lot of in-depth personal issues, please refrain from actually insulting/flaming other people. Constructive criticism is fine and encouraged, but try not to dismiss points with personal attacks. And feel free to report those who aren't respecting the guidelines we set here, or common courtesy.