"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[obfuscator]

I meant more the bit about women leaving and coming back to you, not the line of thinking.

[muggiwhplar]

Oh, whoops! We've talked about this before, remember? :P

 

http://forum.tip.it/...ost__p__5303938

 

In other words, I'm not quite sure how many "cycles" the relationships will last for since I haven't had long enough experience to know yet. However, based on what I've read by people who've been doing this for many, many years, the cycles will continue practically forever.

 

But when it comes to poly, it's mostly about the fun you two have while you're together. The total time spent together and the number of times that she returns back to you is sort of irrelevant; mostly because she's instantly "replaced" when she temporarily leaves.

 

As opposed to monogamy where if you two break up, all hell breaks loose :P

[Noxx]

I think i need some legitimate advice for once. So it's been quite a while since i've seen Claire. We still text/talk on the phone regularly and the other day we had a very long conversation about things. She told me why she has had such a big issue committing to me. I have to admit that i still don't quite understand why, but it is what it is. As we started talking i could feel things getting very emotional and sentimental, so i told her to meet me somewhere so we could talk face to face. She didn't seem keen on it, but after some convincing i managed to get her to go to the beach. So we sat on the beach, about 6ish in the evening. The sun was busy setting and it was actually really romantic, and neither of us really planned it. So we finished out conversation and she told me that she's really scared of hurting me because it seems like i'm really into her (which i am/was). She started saying something, and i could see her struggling to find the right words. Then all of a sudden things got really quiet for a minute. I was sitting back, with my hands in the sand. She put her hand on mine and i looked at her and then she said it.

She told me she loved me.

I was shocked for a few seconds. I didn't know what to say. Time kind of froze for a few seconds and i had a million things running through my mind. I felt like i loved her too. She's really an amazing girl and she really makes me happier than i've been in a while. I love being around her, and spending time with her. Her smile literally makes my day.

So i kissed her on the forehead and told her i loved her too. But this is the thing. I'm not really sure i know what love is. I sure as hell know what infatuation is, but this doesn't feel like that. I actually feel like... like i want Claire to be happy no matter what. If it costs me an arm or a leg, i don't care. As long as she keeps on smiling.

When we were about to leave i asked her why she just said what she said. She told me that she did it because she wanted me to understand why it was hard for her to see me. I leave in two months, and despite the fact that she told me in the beginning of our relationship that she wont fall for me, she somehow did. And now that my leaving is becoming ore and more of a reality each day, it's scaring the crap out of her. I guess i can understand that.

 

Okay, but that's not all...

 

Few weeks ago a girl moved in across the road from me. She lives with one of my best friends. I spend a lot of time at his house studying with him, etc. So i see her a lot. The two of us never really spoke until recently (about a week before we went to Vegas). So we started talking and stuff. I told her that i could see the game she was playing. I told her that i can see her getting a lot of attention from other guys and i really don't want to get involved with that. I was being honest, i wasn't trying to play games with her. so a few nights ago she sends me a text telling me she's bored. I was bored too, so i told her to come over. We spent quite a few hours talking and she went home after. Day after that, same thing happened, except this time it had a bit of a different ending. I had been out earlier that night drinking with friends. I was a bit tipsy. We were lying on my bed talking, and then it happened. And then it happened again the night after that (which was last night). Over the course of the past few days i also found out that she has not yet done anything with any of the other guys, except maybe go to the cinema/dinner/bowling with them. So some of the things she told me felt like the bore a bit more truth and that she wasn't just trying to play me.

But right now i'm kind of at the stage where, since i'm leaving in 2 months, i just want to have fun. [bleep] commitment, [bleep] relationships. I want to [bleep] myself out as much as i can (yes, i have no shame in saying that). I think i've been doing a pretty good job at it too.

 

And that's not all....

 

So the barmaid i met last night. We have a date Monday night. She just got out of a long term relationship and as she told me "she doesn't want anything more than friends for a while" but she was very flirty on the phone earlier. She's really, really cute. And she looks kinda dirty, which is what drew me to her (you guys know what i'm talking about ;) ).

I told her that i was leaving in two months (well actually it came out somehow in a conversation) and she seemed to change her attitude a lot when she found this out. So i'm thinking that she's seeing this as the perfect opportunity to have fun too.

 

Now this is my problem. I still have a lot of feelings for Claire, but i know it's not going to go further than it is now. It's always going to be the same shit with a different speech. The girl across the road, well i'm not sure what hr intentions are but i'm almost 100% sure she just wants to have fun too, which is what i want. And then this barmaid... i'm pretty sure the two of us are on the same page too.

 

So now i need to somehow break it off with Claire, make sure that both the other girls know what i want, but i don't know how to do this because it's not something i've ever had to do. A part of me really still want to keep Claire in the picture as kind of a friends with benefits thing, but i'm not sure how to tell her that. It's not going to be very comfortable telling her that.

And like... if you're doing the whole poly thing, and one of the girls live across the road from you (her room window facing yours), how do you bring other girls over to your house? I don't like want to seem disrespectful to the girl across the road or anything like that.

[muggiwhplar]

I really doubt you and Claire actually "love" each other. You've known each other for what? 3 months? That's just infatuation/honeymoon period stuff.

 

Just remember never to lie to any of the girls. Leading them on is also bad. They all have the right to know that you'll be gone soon. If they choose to stick around after they know you'll be leaving, then it's fair game.

 

You're gonna kind of have a hard time being poly with a girl so close to you. It's good to always "suggest" that you're seeing other women, but it's bad to rub it in their faces. By having her live so close to you, I would be prepared for drama if she's looking for something more than just a FB relationship. With that said, I wouldn't act like a boyfriend around her because that'd be leading her on and setting you up for drama down the road. Just see her once a week maximum for sex and don't do anything like cuddling or letting her spend the night or taking her out to dinner or anything like that. If she isn't ok with that, then you should quit seeing her.

[Noxx]

Funny thing is.... i saw her about 15 minutes ago when i was having a cigarette outside and i tried starting up a conversation as not to be rude but it was so awkward...

[Jeffwilson99]

Ok so normally I don't come here for advice cos I don't need it, but I'm in a weird situation where I have a couple of girls on the go, and have to plot my next moves. FIrstly, it's a difficult time of year because it's about two days before exams start, I don't have any but some the girls I am trying to see do, which one factor. Plus I am probably moving out of town in like two weeks, plus I'm away tomorrow for a few days to travel to a job interview, so I am on limited time. I want girls to know this because obviously I am not looking for anything serious.

 

Anyway, so I have two more girls I've lined up, both of who I have only met once and I kinda have some average, generic, prolonged FB messaging going on. So basically I just need to cut the crap and get down to business, but I am not sure how to play my cards. If I wasn't away til Friday this would be easier, as I'd just to meet up this week.

 

Overall I am not thaaat worried cos I already have two other girls I've been getting with regularly, so not too worried about rejection or anything.

 

This post makes little sense, but I wanna know what you have to say Muggi!

[muggiwhplar]

If I'm understanding this correctly, you're trying to meet up with them, but you're not sure how? Do they know you're moving out in two weeks?

 

If you're gonna be going out partying some time soon, just tell them you're going out and they're welcome to join you and then make a move once they're there.

 

Or you could try what I've been doing, and start a text/FB conversation with them, and after a little bit, say something like, "Let's meet up for drinks or something. I'm pretty busy right now, but I'll be free on [insert a couple of available times]. Let me know if either of those work." --then meet up with her for a drink (or coffee. or dessert. or whatever) and try making a move then. When the "date" is over, you can say something like "well I'm just gonna go back to my place and watch [insert tv show or film genre that she likes]." if she seems enthusiastic about that, then you can go on to say something like, "well you're welcome to join me if you want!" and then you can take it from there :P

 

Or you could always just straight up invite her over to your place and cut out all the other "steps." Riskier to do that, but idk how "close" you are with these girls. If they know you're leaving soon and wanna hook up, then they'll probably be down to come over to your place for some BS reason lol

[obfuscator]

Agreed with muggi. Lying just makes things worse, and you've already done that....

[Jeffwilson99]

I wasn't going to lie, and I haven't lied to any of them yet... Yeah I was planning on doing the old meet up for coffee and see where it goes, when you go to those sorts of things you usually end up talking about uni, and what you're doing next year, so I was going to make it clear I'm going away. I think I already talked about it with one of them, don't know if she remembers or not. If she does I think that will still work in my favour. Not really sure what I was asking...

[obfuscator]

Oh sorry, I was talking to Noxx.

[Jeffwilson99]

But John, why don't you talk to meeeeeee?

[obfuscator]

Because you're too beautiful to need relationship advice

[Ezkaton]

It's been a while since I was last in this thread of the forums and it seems to have the same old stuff going on, including Muggi being the same silver tongued Lothario as always.

 

Anyways! I'm here as usual for advice.

 

There's this girl who I really like. We've been hanging out for a while now and things are going great. We text all the time and she says I always know how to make her smile, and recently whenever we've watched films she's either been cuddled into me or lying on my chest (I am apparently very comfy). So the night before last I asked her out on a date and she said yes (woo!).

 

But here is where my predicament lies.... I've been on quite a few dates in my time, but they've always felt... Slightly strange? I've always imagined dates are things you go on with someone you don't quite know and want to get to know better over a meal and a chat and a laugh. Not say someone you're going out with etc - my ex's have always said whenever we went out for meals they're not dates because of the reason above, they're just a nice meal between us both.

 

Once again, I know this person, and I know her fairly well now... She likes me and I like her in the same way. Hell, even yesterday at singing soc she was cuddling up to me and holding my hands with a couple of observant people noticing and saying "My that escalated quickly" much to our amusement.

 

So yeahs, should I still take her on a date somewhere first, or wait a few more days/a week and bite the bullet and say "Hey, why don't we just cut out the middle man and say we're together?" kind of thing before we go on the date?

[Ginger_Warrior]

From the sounds of things, I'm not sure you really need to make that distinction between "Just friends who like each other" and "Together". If she's coming up to you in front of everyone at your society, grabbing hold of your hand and not really caring what people make of it, I think she's already assumed that decision for you, hasn't she? Or at least, her behaviour is self-evident that she's already very comfortable with the idea of you two being an item.

 

If so, then surely the date, as you say, would quite naturally turn into whatever it turns into, whatever direction feels comfortable for the both of you.

[RpgGamer]

Actually, I'm gonna try and save this discussion some time and assume that the reason you think I'm "deceptive" is because I'm seeking a polyamorous relationship with these girls, while most of these girls are seeking a monogamous relationship.\

 

IDK how I missed this. Sorry muggi! :(

 

No, I feel you were being deceptive because of your personality, regardless of what you put in a little disclaimer.

 

Well again, my personality and my profile are very "congruent." It's not like I'm posing as a completely different person. My female friends who have read my profile and the messages I send out don't have any objections to it because nothing seemed "wrong" or "deceptive" to them. Also regarding deception, keep in mind as Randox pointed out, basically every person in a relationship has technically been guilty of deception at one point or another simply by not being 100% honest right off the bat. It'd be different if I was claiming to be a Hollywood movie star that earns millions of dollars per year, but I'm not doing anything like that. Not even close. Finally, keep in mind that I did a poor job of actually stating what my profile says and what I say in my opener on here. I'm being honest more than anything else with my profile text; many girls message me back complimenting me on my honesty.

 

This experiment seems to be that you're just playing the role of the rebel to attract a certain type of female and to check your success rate.

 

Well I am kind of the black sheep of the group when it comes to this sort of thing :P Not really playing a role... it's like the resume analogy that was brought up earlier. I'm just emphasizing my strengths within the context of dating on my profile.

 

It's not that you're pursuing a poly relationship, its that it doesn't really seem like you're approaching this with any sort of relationship in mind at all. When I see your statistical posts like it's just a numbers game you seem to be more fascinated by the women who go for [wagon] rather than actually perusing anything meaningful. That's why I find it a little disturbing, is all. Not that other people don't do what you seem to be doing "IRL", it's just an overall weird thing to me.

 

My goal is simply to have romantic, exciting relationships with beautiful women; with minimal effort, drama, and sacrifices; and without having to promise monogamy.

 

There's a reason why I'm treating the online dating aspect like a numbers game: because it is a numbers game! :P I've sent out 134 messages this week and scheduled 11 dates as a result. Can you even imagine how long it would take if I messaged those girls one a time, waiting for a response? Or how long it would take if I only talked to one girl at a time once I was getting responses? Or how long it would take to schedule a date with a girl, see how it goes, then wait until we either enter the relationship phase or lose interest before moving on to the next girl? Or how susceptible to neediness (bad for both sides) I would be if I was doing this all with one girl at a time?

 

Again, am I being politically correct here? No.

Am I being rational and smart about this? Yes. :D

 

No worries, though. Once I'm in actual relationships with these girls, it'll be much more "natural" and no longer a numbers thing.

 

Also, you need to define what's "meaningful." Most people seem to think that behaving irrationally and making huge sacrifices just for that "special someone" is meaningful. It isn't. It's stupid and equally damaging to both sides in the long run. I just hope you're not falling into the trap of thinking, "only low-quality girls will go for you if you behave like that!" or "only low-quality women have sex before the third date!" All untrue.

 

I see no problem running an "unnatural" numbers game in online dating which in of itself is "unnatural"

 

@Noxx Claire's the one playing games, not neighbor girl. This is the "problem" for poly for those who are not properly committed to the lifestyle. You already came to the realization tha tyou have to break things with Claire. It will make you unhappy, it'll make her unhappy. But it needs to be done. Sooner is better.

 

@Ezkaton I wouldn't do the "are we together" question out of the blue, but rather make a date out of something you both enjoy, regardless of what it is. Maximize physical touch and gauge her reactions to it. If positive, compare her initiation to yours. if all things look good, then you can ask about commitment and togetherness.

[Ginger_Warrior]

How is online dating unnatural?

[obfuscator]

How is online dating unnatural?

 

Perhaps he meant not traditional?

[Estonian dude]

Ok, if you people had the chance to see my chats with a girl yesterday and today (both lasting hours), you would laugh yourself to ribbons. I failed so hard and yet I haven't had a no yet. For an example, girl asked, why I use so much emoticons. I responded with "I read somewhere that chicks dig emoticons and it's stuck to me." But well, we both had boatloads of laughs. She is a freshman in my high school, and I am a senior this year. At least I think it's senior, when I am on my final year. Anyways, I know practically everybody there and if she chats to people about what I said this evening, I'll be out of hope in my school for probably forever.

 

Now here's to hope that my tricks worked and I am not gonna walk to school like a total and complete douchebag and a loser tomorrow :D

[muggiwhplar]

wat

[Ezkaton]

From the sounds of things, I'm not sure you really need to make that distinction between "Just friends who like each other" and "Together". If she's coming up to you in front of everyone at your society, grabbing hold of your hand and not really caring what people make of it, I think she's already assumed that decision for you, hasn't she? Or at least, her behaviour is self-evident that she's already very comfortable with the idea of you two being an item.

 

If so, then surely the date, as you say, would quite naturally turn into whatever it turns into, whatever direction feels comfortable for the both of you.

 

You were right... She came over and we watched Three Musketeers and Jurassic Park, in the middle of the films I asked her out properly, and she said yes. :)

[decebal]

How is online dating unnatural?

 

Perhaps he meant not traditional?

In certain ways, online dating is unnatural because there are no visual/sensory/auditory cues that show how attracted the other person is, which are some of the many factors that the human mind uses to gauge attractiveness. If you look at it this way, the brain was never meant to handle dating in this environment, which is why it can be considered "unnatural" as well as "untraditional".

[muggiwhplar]

Online dating is more of a logistical thing than a "seduction" thing. Once you're sitting in front of her somewhere, online dating has served its purpose and it's time to begin the "natural" part.

 

---

 

Been on 3 dates so far this week. Got a date tomorrow evening with one more girl, then I need to start scheduling some second dates. This has been good practice at directly developing relationships with "strangers"-- one thing I've never been good at.

 

---

 

Also: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4790313.stm

[RpgGamer]

Online dating is more of a logistical thing than a "seduction" thing. Once you're sitting in front of her somewhere, online dating has served its purpose and it's time to begin the "natural" part.

 

---

 

Been on 3 dates so far this week. Got a date tomorrow evening with one more girl, then I need to start scheduling some second dates. This has been good practice at directly developing relationships with "strangers"-- one thing I've never been good at.

 

---

 

Also: http://news.bbc.co.u...lth/4790313.stm

 

Curious how you answer the question "so what have you been up to this week" on these dates. Certainly you don't say that you've been on a date every other day...

 

How is online dating unnatural?

 

Perhaps he meant not traditional?

In certain ways, online dating is unnatural because there are no visual/sensory/auditory cues that show how attracted the other person is, which are some of the many factors that the human mind uses to gauge attractiveness. If you look at it this way, the brain was never meant to handle dating in this environment, which is why it can be considered "unnatural" as well as "untraditional".

 

Couldn't have said it better myself.

 

 

EDIT:

unrelated: (dude is my new hero)

[muggiwhplar]

Online dating is more of a logistical thing than a "seduction" thing. Once you're sitting in front of her somewhere, online dating has served its purpose and it's time to begin the "natural" part.

 

---

 

Been on 3 dates so far this week. Got a date tomorrow evening with one more girl, then I need to start scheduling some second dates. This has been good practice at directly developing relationships with "strangers"-- one thing I've never been good at.

 

---

 

Also: http://news.bbc.co.u...lth/4790313.stm

 

Curious how you answer the question "so what have you been up to this week" on these dates. Certainly you don't say that you've been on a date every other day...

 

Well if they ask me that particular question, no, I'll talk about other things I've done. However, one question I ask my girls is if they've been dating a lot or a little lately, and how that's going for them. If they ask me the same thing, I'll briefly talk about my own recent experiences before asking her more questions. Similarly, sometimes I'll talk about girls that I've dated (or am currently dating) if it's funny and relevant to the conversation. I want to convey that I date a lot and that I'm used to having many women in my life.

 

Like I've said many times before-- you want her to see you as a potential lover, not a provider.

[Omar]

Also: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4790313.stm

Any data on sex drive in a poly setting?

"The rational for why a woman's sex drive declines may be down to supply and demand. If something is in infinite supply, the perceived value would drop."

Herp. The price drops, not the value. Just because air is virtually infinite, doesn't mean you don't value it.