"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[Tim]

...I don't even... 

[RpgGamer]

That's what condoms are for right?

[Boris5000]

That's what condoms are for right?

According to a thorough, scientific, Yahoo answer search: No, your balls could still hit her clapper. To reiterate, a condom could reduce the chance of picking up HSV but as it can be passed through via skin-to-skin contact. (according to the Internets)

 

No sexual actorinos for RPGino.

[muggiwhplar]

 

 

That's what condoms are for right?

According to a thorough, scientific, Yahoo answer search: No, your balls could still hit her clapper. To reiterate, a condom could reduce the chance of picking up HSV but as it can be passed through via skin-to-skin contact. (according to the Internets)

 

No sexual actorinos for RPGino.

Lol "clapper"

 

*pictures an infomercial with a guy clapping his hands twice, causing a woman to spread her legs*

[RpgGamer]

UNSMILE

[muggiwhplar]

Meanwhile, on OKC...

 

A random cute 19 year old with long dark hair, baby blue eyes, and most importantly, huge boobies, randomly started a conversation with me.

 

 

Her: How completely out of line is it for me to say that I want to jump your bones

 

Ok my profile is cool, but not *that* cool. My iPhone's bullshit detector app IMMEDIATELY starts vibrating like crazy.

 

Me: I don't think it's out of line as long as you're not a psycho lunatic serial killer... are you a psycho lunatic serial killer? :)

Her: Maybe only a little bit, but you will have to hang out with me to really find that out for yourself. :)

I go straight for the close

 

Me: Yeah you're right. Let's meet up-- something simple like coffee or dessert. Then I can decide how safe you are. :) I'm free tonight and tomorrow at 7pm. If you're up for it, let me know and I'll give you a time and a place.

Her: Here's my number. xxxxxxxxxx. Text me and I will look into tonight. :)

Uhh, no. My bullshit detector is still going off so I'm going to make *her* do all the work.

 

Me: My number's xxxxxxxxxx

 

 

Surprisingly, she texts me.

 

Her: Well hello :)

Me: Hey. I'm guessing your name is xxxxxxxx?

Her: Wow you are really good at guessing :)

Her OKC username was her full name, lol

 

Me: Yeah I'm psychic and stuff. No big deal. Doing anything exciting today?

 

Her: Well that's a cool talent I am very impressed! I'm about to hop into an amazing bubble bath! What about you? Any big plans?

So at this point, the #1 thing in my mind is the fact that she still hasn't officially agreed to meet up for anything yet. In other words, right now she's a "maybe" and I need to get a definite YES or NO out of her ASAP.

 

Me: I'm about to go to the gym. After that I'll probably go rob a bank and go skydiving-- nothing too exciting, just my usual routine. Have fun in your bath, shoot me a text if you're serious about meeting up tonight or tomorrow.

 

Her: Yeah that sounds like my typical Sunday routine! Tomorrow I get out of class at 7:20 so I don't know if after that is okay and tonight I want to but my roommate gets back from this whole funeral thing for her grandmother so I need to to make sure she doesn't need me for anything before I say yes.

 

Me: I understand, hope your roommate's ok. There's a small coffee shop near xxxxxxxx. Let's meet up there tomorrow night at 8pm.

 

Her: Mm that does sound like fun. I'm very excited :)

Me: Cool, see you tomorrow night

 

Her: You are so attractive by the way

 

Me: Thanks I get that a lot lol

 

Her: Haha oh someone is very confident. Good that's an attractive quality

 

Me: :)

 

 

So at this point, my bullshit detector's still vibrating. I really need to replace the batteries on that thing. Anyways. It won't surprise me at all if tomorrow evening I get a text from her saying that she needs to cancel/reschedule. No big deal, I've got a girl coming over tonight and I've got another date tomorrow evening anyways. :D

 

Assuming things actually work out with this girl, it wouldn't surprise me if she was just [bleep]ing with me to begin with but after I made it clear that I'm not going to be giving her any attention unless she puts in some effort, she actually became attracted. Or maybe she was genuinely interested from the start and I'm overanalyzing this. Probably the latter but hey that's irrelevant at this point :P

 

 

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go to the gym and rob a bank and go skydiving afterwards. :lol:

[Ginger_Warrior]

Had one of those deep conversations with my housemate.

 

She thinks that guys who shag around lots in their early 20s tend to settle down in their late twenties. I think she thinks that because there's a guy she blatantly wants to be in a relationship with who is just shagging around with girls, including her (except he says he's more of a relationship type; I think I need muggi's BS app on that one).

 

I don't know if I was allowing this thread to over represent my opinion but my reaction was almost to laugh out loud. Why would a guy who's quite happy shagging around using a POF profile, pretty much picking what girl to have sex with on what day and who's still continuing to be successful at it suddenly stop; because they want to have sex with one person only? Not bloody likely...

[muggiwhplar]

Had one of those deep conversations with my housemate.

 

She thinks that guys who shag around lots in their early 20s tend to settle down in their late twenties. I think she thinks that because there's a guy she blatantly wants to be in a relationship with who is just shagging around with girls, including her (except he says he's more of a relationship type; I think I need muggi's BS app on that one).

I think she's definitely right, most guys like that do eventually settle down. Sometimes it's because they incorrectly believe they've found "the one" and they can "make it work" because "they know what they're doing." Sometimes that one girl's just different enough to make them compromise their values and settle down because they don't know any better :P Either way, the end result is usually the same: for men who are used to sexual variety, they usually find themselves unfit for monogamy eventually. Then they go back to lots of sex with various women until they find another "special" girl, and they repeat the process over and over.

 

If any of you watched the HIMYM finale a couple of weeks ago, it was nice that they took the realistic approach in making Barney Stinson realize that he simply cannot do monogamy, even if he's in love. It's simply incompatible with his personality.

 

I don't know if I was allowing this thread to over represent my opinion but my reaction was almost to laugh out loud. Why would a guy who's quite happy shagging around using a POF profile, pretty much picking what girl to have sex with on what day and who's still continuing to be successful at it suddenly stop; because they want to have sex with one person only? Not bloody likely...

There's a lot of reasons. Sometimes they intentionally choose to do so because deep down they believe in "the one" and settling down and living happily ever after. Or maybe they've just got "oneitis" and now they're compromising their values in order to keep the girl from leaving him because prior to meeting the "special girl," they've never had real feelings for any of the women they're hooking up with. Or maybe they don't even want to settle down and get monogamous at all, but they're doing it anyway because that's what society demands of them. After all, men like that are generally viewed as shallow, immature, insecure, and lonely; especially if they continue to live such a lifestyle into their 30s and beyond. Or maybe they've fallen in love and they incorrectly believe that the only way to keep that girl around is to settle down with her.

 

For what it's worth, the "players" I know who choose to never settle down usually remain as happy as they were in their 20s. The ones who choose to settle down-- either voluntarily or involuntarily-- all seem to end up regretting their decision because understandably it is a difficult transition to go from getting sex from whoever you want whenever you want; to only getting sex when your significant other allows it.

 

I imagine your housemate could snag a guy like that if she simply got him to fall in love with her and then told him she was going to quit seeing him unless he promised exclusivity to her :P

 

You might find this thread interesting to read. It's a polyamorous woman who's frustrated that she can't get any men to fall in love with her. More evidence that if you know what you're doing, it's way better to be a man in the dating world than a woman.

[Ginger_Warrior]

The comparison to the 'Friend Zone' was interesting. As was the deflection of blame away from herself onto the guys who slotted her into categories she didn't want to be put into.

 

Very reminiscent of what some would call pseudo-Nice Guys who blame women for 'taking advantage' of their friendliness.

 

She also continued to have sex with the Professor even though she knew she was only doing that because she "had it bad for him", much in the same way a guy might continue to do very kind things for a girl in the hope one day, she might see him "in that way", which very rarely happens.

 

Some of what she said actually confirms what I thought about my housemate. The "It's only sex but if he wants it to be something more, so do I" kind of wishful thinking. It suggests to me that she doesn't really want just FB in the first place, she's taken a pragmatic approach and decided it's better than nothing. Nothing about this guy suggests to me that he's interested in a relationship, not least because he's going to Magaluf in the summer and there's only really one reason people go there lol.

 

I dunno... what she said smacked me of torch holding and wishful thinking that he'd one day 'change' for her, or that this FB was something special. Especially when in the same conversation, she criticised her best friend for having more or less the same arrangement with a different guy, lol.

[muggiwhplar]

The way I see it is, the only way she can fulfill her desires would be to date one of the guys from that forum, since the type of guy she's looking for is a rare breed. And by that, I mean a guy that is capable of falling in love with a woman who will not be exclusive with him, while at the same time keeping her attracted to him.

 

All the guys she's dating seem more or less pretty normal (for better or for worse)-- since she's promiscuous they see her as a [bleep] buddy and nothing more. And the men that are "in love" with her are the ones who probably hooked up with her once then immediately became attached and infatuated... which consequently turned her off.

 

Sucks to be her though. I don't think she's ever going to find a guy that's willing to love her and allow her to see other men outside of the seduction community. Unless of course she were to "promise" monogamy to a guy, then a couple of years down the road, either start cheating on him or tell him she's going to start seeing other people. But then there's no guarantees that the guy would tolerate that and still want to see her, and there's no guarantees that she'd still love him at that point.

 

Makes me grateful to be a man >_>

[Ginger_Warrior]

I'd agree. She's definitely being sidelined into the "woman on the side" role. She can't seem to see past the fact that in a relationship, men want more than just regular sex as well. The way I see it, these men are all in "normal" relationships with other women who are providing their emotional needs and receiving emotional affection in return, but these woman aren't satisfying their physical needs, and that's where she comes in. She seems to get "ego validation" mixed up with emotional security.

 

She's wanting something deeper and something more emotional with men who were never interested in that from the beginning. But then she does need to make that choice. One of the main benefits of monogamy is emotional security when it works (she said her ex-husband never loved her, although that seemed a bit of an exaggeration to me), whether you choose against that or not. One of the disadvantages is, if your partner's not satisfying you sexually, your options aren't there any more outside of breaking that commitment.

 

As someone who's fully committed to monogamy, I accept there's pros and cons to both.

[muggiwhplar]

IIRC her ex-husband turned out to be gay or something lol (from an old, old post of hers) so that's why she said that :P

[obfuscator]

Maybe she turned him gay

 

PLOT TWIST

[muggiwhplar]

just realized there's a misplaced comma in the title of this thread

[Ginger_Warrior]

It wasn't correctly spelt at the beginning. :P

[nine naked men]

i've always thought privately that the way it's put together in the thread title is the way it should be, commas outside of quotation marks style

 

this is my relationship problem

[Estonian dude]

I get pretty mixed signals from the girl that I've been out with.

On one hand, she takes initiative and wants to hang out and do stuff, but on the other hand, we've only had a few walks and most intimate we've been was a hug. As much as I know, have learned and read about body language, she keeps herself pretty distant. It even seems a bit awkward, the difference in her enthusiasm in her sayings and her body language.

I did share a Cuban with her today though. She had spared it for 4 months for she had noone to try it with. Even though she had friends from other city over all until yesterday.

 

I think I should take it slow, but I am a complete amateur in this situation and I might overthink stuff.

After all, we've only known each other for a bit over a week and been out twice so far, but probably gonna see her again on Thursday.

 

As is common for my last posts, I am not actually seeking advice, I am just writing up my own progress mostly for myself. Gonna see how it flows and goes. No use in pretending to be what I ain't anyway.

[muggiwhplar]

PUA forum girl seems like a girl who doesn't really want to be all that close with people shes sleeping with. Which is why shes only attracted to guys who are emotionally unavailable and by some cosmic mystery loses attraction when guys make themselves emotionally available :lol:. The fact that her ex husband turned out to be gay really shouldn't be that surprising either with that in mind.

 

I don't think it's that she's attracted to guys who are "emotionally unavailable" necessarily. She's attracted to non-needy guys, and these guys are non-needy because she isn't the only girl in their lives.

[muggiwhplar]

I think you use the term non-needy in a way that would be interchangeable with emotionally unavailable, which would certainly be attractive to a certain kind of girl. As far as neediness as I understand it, it has to do with your explanatory style. With this stereotypical "needy beta" being interna,l stable, and global.

I don't consider those two terms to be interchangeable because it is entirely possible to be in love and emotionally available whilst remaining non-needy. It's just a matter of degree and moderation.

 

But back to PUA forum girl,  by her own account she is attracted to men who go on about other women they love and that she wants a man to love her but when a man actually does she suddenly loses attraction to him. Its as if she doesn't want a man to love her, that she wants to feel safe away from that commitment and risk of failure. After all what if he loses interest down the line and cheats on her, what better a way is there to escape that then to have a poly relationship where even if they cheat on you and cease contact it didn't really matter anyways :lol:.

She loses attraction for the men who love her because as a result of falling in love, they become needy. And she's repulsed by neediness. And most normal men instantly start becoming needy when they fall in love because they don't believe in seeing other women as long as they're in love. And as a result of not seeing other women besides her, they start to get needy. And since they get needy, this turns her off.

 

Like I said, the only way for her to meet a man who is both non-needy and in love with her would be to date a man who's not only polyamorous, but also completely fine with her being polyamorous too. Very few men are capable of doing this, so I think it's unrealistic for her to expect to find a man like this outside of the seduction community.

[Ginger_Warrior]

The irony there, though, is that while she's the one who's turned off when men fall in love with her, she's actually the one being most needy in the whole thing. She can't get it into her head why these men "love" their wives / girlfriends and not her. Really, it's as basic as Maslow: I think she has a need to be loved by another person, which she clearly isn't feeling from any of the men she's having sex with.

 

Remove all the sex and the polyamory crap. It's irrelevant to the situation. It's cognitive dissonance: She hates men who fall in love with her; she wants to be loved.

 

One of the replies is spot on: Pick one or the other, stop whining because you can't have your cake and eat it.

[muggiwhplar]

If you are going to disregard polyamory, then you have to state why.

 

Like I said, it's a matter of neediness, not love. Monogamy demands neediness. If she were to take your advice and operate strictly from a monogamous perspective, then yes, she would be unable to have her cake and eat it too. The only way for her to have her cake and eat it too is via polyamory.

[Ginger_Warrior]

Strawman argument.

 

I didn't disregard polygamy. I said it wasn't relevant to the actual problem, which is that she can have sex with as many people she wants to, whether it's one or many; the men she's having sex with aren't giving her what she needs. Hence why she's having sex with plenty of men, having to tolerate their pillowtalk about how they love other girls so much more, and she's left wondering 'wtf?'

[muggiwhplar]

We will have to agree to disagree then, as the core of this debate boils down to the fundamental beliefs of relationship and attraction dynamics

[RpgGamer]

my OkC profile is on point apparently. Basically every intention I threw between the lines was picked up on. Everything from drunk smile hugging a black girl to positive self promotion. Funny thing is I haven't changed anything on it since February. Whatevsss

[RpgGamer]

I didnt realize the minority I was in when I claimed to prefer condoms over other birth control. Apparently that makes me sexually repressed. Hmmmmm