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#51921
Ring_World
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Ring_World

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You should tape your speakers to your ceiling and blast them at 7am :lol:

#51922
MuffinMaddy
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Come to the end of the first term of my final year of uni.

Incredibly eventful term, much of it spent under the influence of various legal and illegal substances.

 

Slightly turbulent for my mental health but I had six weekly counselling sessions that showed some minor improvement.

Bit of a sad end to the term as I was strangled by the guy I had been dating for two months so it's messed my head up a bit and I now have nightmares about being choked/strangled.

 

And the best bit is he doesn't even know that what he did is actually serious.

He's disappointed that I reported it rather than coming to him even though I spoke to him over the phone several times and each time was increasingly distressing as he provided several "reasons" why he did that to me. I'm actually really shocked at how textbook "This is what an abusive relationship looks like" my situation has been

 

It started with him deliberately gunning for me with verbal criticism of literally everything I do, what I look like and I had grown used to negativity and being put down.

I thought it was the price of the few/random moments of affection I got from him. I would genuinely be kissed by him in the morning and 20 minutes later, be shouted at for extended periods of time. I guess I put up with a lot more than a lot of other people would, as I got used to having a low opinion of myself. 

 

Every time I demanded more respect he'd just call me a drama queen. I bought that and just tanked all the verbal abuse for months. 

I guess the physical abuse woke me the [bleep] up, and the fear that consumed me made me run for the hills.

 

I've since met up with him but only in public places just so he can provide some closure/apologise but there's literally no hope. I recorded his statement of "I didn't strangle you, I just yanked you across the room holding your neck" and I guess I'll give it forward as evidence although I do feel some guilt about whatever punishment he may receive....

 

He says "If you didn't stay over at mine so often, this wouldn't have happened"



#51923
RpgGamer
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Maddy dropping bombs over here damn

 

Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.




 

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Origin: Brand_New_iPwn


#51924
Noxx
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You should tape your speakers to your ceiling and blast them at 7am :lol:

If i had speakers with me i would have done just that. Sadly i don't think my laptop even goes loud enough for anyone in the next room to hear it, let alone someone in a different appartement.

 

Generally i don't care for this sort of noise, the only reasons it annoyed me are a.) it's a [bleep]ing Sunday evening, who the hell parties like that on Sundays? and b.) i had exams the next day (which i ended up missing) and i just wanted to get some damn rest.



#51925
Nyosuht
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Maddy, I know we're not super close, so maybe this won't mean much to you... but I'm damned proud of you.

rnHJQwZ.png
In a state of tranquillity, wealth, and luxury, our descendants would forget the arts of war and the noble activity and zeal which made their ancestors invincible. ~Samuel Adams; 1 August, 1776
There are men, in all ages, who mean to exercise power usefully; but who mean to exercise it. They mean to govern well; but they mean to govern. They promise to be kind masters; but they mean to be masters. ~Daniel Webster; 15 March, 1837


#51926
RpgGamer
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keystroke ""o" "f" "f" "shift" "enter" usually brings me here. Today it decided to redirect me to https://www.offtopic.com/ which is like a weird bizzarro world version of OT that increases in members regularly and doesn't mention runescape offhandedly for nostalgia. And their relationship thread is called "vaginarium". ha.



 

Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.




 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude
Steam: NippleBeardTM
Origin: Brand_New_iPwn


#51927
Estonian dude
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Estonian dude

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What sacrilege is this?!?!?!? OT in my OT?!?!?

 

Been away a few days, nice to see multiple pages in the time.

Been a rough time here. So much to do and so little time...


Posted Image

#51928
MuffinMaddy
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Maddy, I know we're not super close, so maybe this won't mean much to you... but I'm damned proud of you.

 

I'm not proud of myself. I'm very upset with myself that I am in this situation when I could have left months ago.

My head is a complete mess over this and he's tried various tactics to get off lightly:

 

Tactic 1 has been making me feel more guilty than I already do, telling me it's his final year of university and how he won't know the outcome and it'll cause him stress

Tactic 2 has been telling me to tell my manager that it was a joke, or that I was too drunk to remember and that it's been sorted out

Tactic 3 has been him getting in contact with my ex boyfriend and that circle of friends to find any dirt that would make me less credible

Tactic 4 has been him telling me he loves me, that I'm amazing, that I'm caring, that he's never had a friend like me

 

Despite all of this, I'm writing my formal report and it does make me a little concerned about whether I'll get into any trouble or whether there will be any retribution.

At the end of the day, all that kept me in that horrible situation was affection and sex and it wasn't worth it for one second.

 

I still haven't been able to stop caring about him, but I have a voice note that I need to re-play so that I can be reminded that he doesn't care, doesn't think it was a big deal to hurt someone that he supposedly cared about, who wasn't posing a threat to him at all.



#51929
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Here's the thing Maddy. If he's abusive to you, chances are he'll be abusive to the next person he dates. Anything that helps break that spiral is worth doing, and you absolutely shouldn't feel guilty about it.

My skin is finally getting soft
I'll scrub until the damn thing comes off


#51930
Nyosuht
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Maddy, I know we're not super close, so maybe this won't mean much to you... but I'm damned proud of you.

 
I'm not proud of myself. I'm very upset with myself that I am in this situation when I could have left months ago.

I don't expect you to be.

No matter how you got into that situation, you're doing what you need to do to get out now.
That's incredible! Nobody gets to tell you it isn't.
 

My head is a complete mess over this and he's tried various tactics to get off lightly:
Tactic 1 has been making me feel more guilty than I already do, telling me it's his final year of university and how he won't know the outcome and it'll cause him stress
Tactic 2 has been telling me to tell my manager that it was a joke, or that I was too drunk to remember and that it's been sorted out
Tactic 3 has been him getting in contact with my ex boyfriend and that circle of friends to find any dirt that would make me less credible
Tactic 4 has been him telling me he loves me, that I'm amazing, that I'm caring, that he's never had a friend like me


I knew someone who had something like this printed off and hung conspicuously:

This was so she could refer to it while talking with her (then-estranged, now-ex) husband and remind herself that what happened wasn't okay and that she didn't need to make peace with him.
Eventually she made it into a game of sorts, picking out where he was on the cycle at any given time.
 

Despite all of this, I'm writing my formal report and it does make me a little concerned about whether I'll get into any trouble or whether there will be any retribution.

That can't be easy. You have the determination to follow through; I respect and admire that.
I never had the courage to report my abusers. Most of the time, even years later, I don't have the courage to refuse go places I know they'll be. I hate that.
By filing the report you're helping anyone else he might hurt in the future.
 

At the end of the day, all that kept me in that horrible situation was affection and sex and it wasn't worth it for one second.

But now you see it for what it was. It wasn't a good experience, but it's also not your future. You've gotten out.
 

I still haven't been able to stop caring about him, but I have a voice note that I need to re-play so that I can be reminded that he doesn't care, doesn't think it was a big deal to hurt someone that he supposedly cared about, who wasn't posing a threat to him at all.

Yeah, that's a normal human response. It sucks, and I'm sure it feels like you shouldn't care, but you're not wired that way and it's okay that you aren't.

rnHJQwZ.png
In a state of tranquillity, wealth, and luxury, our descendants would forget the arts of war and the noble activity and zeal which made their ancestors invincible. ~Samuel Adams; 1 August, 1776
There are men, in all ages, who mean to exercise power usefully; but who mean to exercise it. They mean to govern well; but they mean to govern. They promise to be kind masters; but they mean to be masters. ~Daniel Webster; 15 March, 1837


#51931
Ring_World
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Your investment in relationships will go down as you date more.

As for him he was abusive and it's not your fault and anything you do to him to get him to change is justified

#51932
Veiva
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I learned a couple things:

 

1) Off-by-one errors are a [bleep]

2) NaNs are a [bleep]

 

I spent all day on two small issues stemming from off-by-one errors and an initialized matrix resulting in NaN.


ozXHe7P.png


#51933
MuffinMaddy
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Your investment in relationships will go down as you date more.

As for him he was abusive and it's not your fault and anything you do to him to get him to change is justified

 

 

I'm actually so selective with who I date as well, though. It's just that my selection is awful.

I didn't date on my year abroad at all so I didn't really invest anything in anyone there, but I got attached to this guy pretty damn quickly and it was hard to loosen the attachment even when things became increasingly negative. I've already cracked, I've bought his "I love and care about you Maddy" spiel and unblocked him on WhatsApp, but at least I sent the report. I've kept the voice clip just to de-program myself so to speak and give myself the reality check that THIS GUY STRANGLED ME, WHY DO I STILL CARE ABOUT THE LEVEL OF PUNISHMENT HE GETS.

 

I don't understand why all I think about is HIM and how HE will feel, why is the focus on him when I'm the one who's been physically assaulted?

I can't seem to focus on myself because all I think is those "You're such a drama queen/stop victimising yourself/ stop being emotional" reactions to any time I displayed a remotely negative emotion.

 

I just feel terrible because I'm one of his supervisors at our job. We do the exact same course. We live less than 3 minutes away from each other. This was always going to be a bad idea, but I always thought if we fell out, it would just be a clash of ideas, that it wouldn't be anything serious like this. We didn't even start out by dating, but maybe the drugs need to stop because it only became romantic after one of those nights. Either way, I am going to be clean for the entire month and try and get started/finished on some of my assignments due in for next semester. I have an average of 85% right now and I'm relieved that none of the crazy things that have happened this semester have disturbed that.



#51934
Ring_World
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I think you should just perma block him everywhere and start dating again. 

 

If you find yourself being super selective but always ending up with baddies try looking at someone safe but boring like the asian dude with an engineering degree. 

 

 

And you can cope with your feelings by positive social interactions or self improvement (gym, skills, work) as well. The funny thing about using these ways of coping is in a few weeks to a few months suddenly you find that your okay and better off than you were before the break up.



#51935
MuffinMaddy
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I think you should just perma block him everywhere and start dating again. 

 

If you find yourself being super selective but always ending up with baddies try looking at someone safe but boring like the asian dude with an engineering degree. 

 

 

And you can cope with your feelings by positive social interactions or self improvement (gym, skills, work) as well. The funny thing about using these ways of coping is in a few weeks to a few months suddenly you find that your okay and better off than you were before the break up.

 

I've joked about this before with a friend "My type is white boys who abuse me."

But seriously, you have no idea what a baddie looks like sometimes.

The boys I avoid are the stereotypical "would [bleep] with your mental health" types (DJs, sports players, business students) but at least you can see them from a mile off.

I watch my friends get [bleep]ed over by these types of guys, but the behaviour of these types of guys is almost predictable, and my friends seem to bounce back pretty quickly.

 

My ex boyfriend was a computer science student, seemed sweet, but absolutely destroyed my mental health in a two-year relationship. I've been single for seven months.

This guy, Biochemistry student, once again, seems sweet, trustworthy. Invites me to events constantly. Absolutely continued the destruction of my mental health (but by this point I was used to people chipping away at my mental health) but then this guy physically assaults me and I have no idea wtf to think.

 

I think one of the reasons I don't bounce back so quickly is because I'm hyper critical of myself, my actions - I wonder what I did so wrong to end up in these situations. Instead of accepting that people are horrible and nasty and that I didn't deserve to get strangled, I wonder what I could have done to avoid getting assaulted, and that's [bleep]ed up but I need to find a way out of that type of thinking.



#51936
Ring_World
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Who knows maybe you should try going out with fun guys then. DJ's, athletes, etc.

 

But my standards for relationships are that it should be fun. If we generally get along and don't fight, are sexually attracted to each other, and enjoy spending time together its a no brainer. If any of that changes, I'm not married to them and were not parents theres no reason to stick around if your not happy with each other.

 

With a standard like that I think it would be easier to notice an abusive relationship earlier and be able to leave before things starting getting dangerous.



#51937
RpgGamer
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Don't stereotype djs jocks and whatever else as a whole entity. You can definitely be good at sports or a dj and still be a nice functional human. If anything I expect the nerdy type people to be more abusive out of lack of knowledge on how to properly socialise. Just find a functional person, don't judge them by their interests or major.

Also, block the shit out of anyone who abuses you. They'll only continue to abuse you.

 

Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.




 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude
Steam: NippleBeardTM
Origin: Brand_New_iPwn


#51938
obfuscator
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Don't stereotype djs jocks and whatever else as a whole entity. You can definitely be good at sports or a dj and still be a nice functional human. If anything I expect the nerdy type people to be more abusive out of lack of knowledge on how to properly socialise. Just find a functional person, don't judge them by their interests or major.

Also, block the shit out of anyone who abuses you. They'll only continue to abuse you.


I love how in your first two sentences you say not to stereotype and in your third you stereotype ;)

polvCwJ.gif
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#51939
MuffinMaddy
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Don't stereotype djs jocks and whatever else as a whole entity. You can definitely be good at sports or a dj and still be a nice functional human. If anything I expect the nerdy type people to be more abusive out of lack of knowledge on how to properly socialise. Just find a functional person, don't judge them by their interests or major.
Also, block the shit out of anyone who abuses you. They'll only continue to abuse you.

I was actually kinda being tongue in cheek. I don't date guys based on the subject they study or if they play a sport. I play women's football and I was in the trampolining team two years ago. My ex was a tennis player and I'm fully aware that your hobbies don't inform your character /personality

Anyway I blocked him, I think I need time to recover and I've written my statement, submitted the audio file and I'll try my very best not to think about the incident too much. I quit a shift at work for some space but I hope I can do my job properly when I return next week. Whatever the punishment ends up being, I do genuinely hope he can get help for his anger.

In reply to you, ring world: I'm not much of an argumentative person I'd always just let him rant at me. Looking back I'm not really sure if I liked hanging out with him, getting high with him was always a laugh though. The sexual chemistry has got to be the best thing we had, I've never been so attracted to someone sexually but I'm cool with that being over. We always said that it needed to stop but it just kind of wouldn't...

It sounds [bleep]ed up but I literally wish I could get closure to this. I never will though I just want to know what makes you strangle someone that clearly cares for you

#51940
RpgGamer
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Don't stereotype djs jocks and whatever else as a whole entity. You can definitely be good at sports or a dj and still be a nice functional human. If anything I expect the nerdy type people to be more abusive out of lack of knowledge on how to properly socialise. Just find a functional person, don't judge them by their interests or major.

Also, block the shit out of anyone who abuses you. They'll only continue to abuse you.

I love how in your first two sentences you say not to stereotype and in your third you stereotype ;)

After poorly phrased way of saying anyone can be anything if you put them in a box for sure

 

Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.




 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude
Steam: NippleBeardTM
Origin: Brand_New_iPwn






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