"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[Noxx]

I don't like drama. I hate it. I try to avoid it best i can. I'd much rather walk out of a room and go sit by myself than deal with drama. I don't care if it's drama from my sister, my parents, my friends or my girlfriend. She knows this very well, too. Whenever there's drama between the two of us, i'll go outside, have a cigarette, and come back when i feel like she has calmed down or i have calmed down. However, this doesn't stop either of us from being honest with each other. Of course, not 100% honest. There are things i won't tell her, and things she won't tell me (i think). She's actually an extremely honest person. She'll tell me whatever is on her mind no matter how much it'll upset/anger/enrage me. And she expects me to do the same, and for the most part i do. 

I believe that this has not only made our relationship stronger, but our friendship too. I can easily say, without a doubt in my mind, she's my best friend. And i believe that's only because of our honesty. We can be ourselves when we're with each other. We don't have to hide this or that because someone finds it annoying. I don't have to hold my tongue because i'm scared to offend someone. I can say and do what i want when i want.

 

If people in your life are as disposable as you make them out to be, then you should me more willing to be honest. Regardless of the outcome. Whether it causes drama or not. You don't need to deal with the drama, ever. The door is always there, and you're always willing to take it. If you need to lie (omit) to someone just to keep them happy (and in doing so keep yourself "happy"), you're doing yourself an injustice and no one else. 

If someone wants to share their honesty with you, same rule applies. You don't have to sit there and listen. You're more than able to tell them you really don't give a shit, get up, and leave. It's really that simple.

[Giordano]

For clarity's sake: define 'petty'.

 

You at least have to concede there are situations in life where being totally and completely carefree is an unnatural, even downright unhealthy, reaction.

Things that cannot be fixed (my co-worker's girlfriend broke up with him - I, nor he, can fix that) or things I cannot do anything about (my sister's self-pitying because she can't find a job).

 

I always hear the problem before I judge it of course, but for the most part it's not really a serious issue. They just want to talk about it, which is fine I guess, but I don't want it to be me.

 

I'm still of the mentality that each of us need to be strong, to rely on ourselves as much as we can until we move onto others.

[muggiwhplar]

You at least have to concede there are situations in life where being totally and completely carefree is an unnatural, even downright unhealthy, reaction.

 

That is only true if you aren't carefree about the consequences of being carefree. And that is exactly why most people are afraid of being carefree. "If I stop caring about X, then A, B, and C will happen!" The person doesn't understand that if you wish to become carefree about X, then you must be carefree about A, B, and C too. You can't half-ass it. If that makes sense. >_>

 

 

If people in your life are as disposable as you make them out to be, then you should me more willing to be honest. Regardless of the outcome. Whether it causes drama or not. You don't need to deal with the drama, ever. The door is always there, and you're always willing to take it. If you need to lie (omit) to someone just to keep them happy (and in doing so keep yourself "happy"), you're doing yourself an injustice and no one else. 

If someone wants to share their honesty with you, same rule applies. You don't have to sit there and listen. You're more than able to tell them you really don't give a shit, get up, and leave. It's really that simple.

 

Honesty in such circumstances are adding an unnecessary layer of complexity to the situation. Best case scenario: girlfriend doesn't give a shit that you're feeling needy/jealous and things continue as normal. Worst case scenario (and most likely scenario): she becomes slightly less interested in you and becomes more likely to throw drama at you in the future.

 

You guys are saying, "So what if she throws drama at you? Just replace her then!"

 

I'm saying, how about I just don't get into this situation in the first place so I don't have to waste my time replacing her? What happens when a guy replaces her with a new girl? He still hasn't learned how to manage his jealousy/neediness. He just has a new girl and now he's going to shoot himself in the foot and make the same mistake again. The only real solution to this problem is to cut the girl out of the equation altogether and focus on yourself because you're the problem, not her.

 

 

I get the feeling you guys are taking this example and running as far as you can with it, going as far as to say that there's no honesty in the relationship whatsoever, or that there's a huge problem with a relationship as long as something like this remains unaddressed. Remaining "dishonest" about certain things isn't being cowardly; it's being smart. You've said so yourselves that you're not honest about EVERYTHING; and we all know why that is. It's called common sense.

[Estonian dude]

ON ANOTHER TOPIC:

Met the girl I talked about today. Went to cafe and had a pleasant chat. After that, told her what I feel. She said the distance would be too bad.

She had a similar relationship with a dude in my current city apparently. And she said it couldn't work out and she doesn't wanna try again.

 

 

I think I am gonna be devastated tomorrow.

And I will live on after that as a clean sheet, without anyone to pursue.

 

Alone.

[Ginger_Warrior]

You're probably not THAT into her, despite what you might feel like right now. People never are.

 

You grew a pair and had that conversation with her in the first place. I'd mark that down in the journal as progress and take heart from it.

[Estonian dude]

I was as into her as I've ever been to anybody. And as I said, I will be devastated tomorrow, but I think I will be fine tomorrow.

It's not like I am not used to being hopelessly depressed and alone.

 

 

 

I am gonna have the party of my life in a month. I will be celebrating 20th jubilee and I haven't celebrated my bday in 3 years. I will be holding it on Women's Day and I have a plan for it. And if I won't meet someone new there, I will be sorely disappointed.

[RpgGamer]

Disappointment comes from expectation

[The_Gabe]

Disappointment comes from expectation

I find that statement to be 140% true.

[Ginger_Warrior]

I find your lack of numeracy skills to be 100% worrying.

[iBe]

About to go to work so I'll try to make this short;

 

The past year I've "talked" to A LOT of girls. Over christmas break it got a bit more serious with one, which had never happened before. I always tended to just text multiple girls at once and kind of soak in all of the attention. I just got in shape this year and gained a lot of confidence back, but I was still using these girls as my own confidence booster I suppose. I know that sounds terrible but that's that. Well I quickly ended things with the "more serious" girl because I was stepping out of my comfort zone. Also, a girl who I have considered a very good friend for a long time expressed feelings for me and I wanted to pursue her. Well that didn't work out.

 

Fast forward;

 

I come back from break and I have new classes with some people who I've never met before. There is a particular girl who caught my eye, but she had just gotten out of a very serious relationship about a week before that. I decided that I'll just introduce myself and try to keep things friendly for the time being. We instantly clicked and started texting all of the time. She soon becomes interested in me, and made it very clear. This is where some of my warning flags went up. She just broke up with a guy a few weeks ago, and I honestly wasn't trying to flirt with her at all. I like to consider myself an interesting person, but it's never been that easy before.

 

That's most of the information, I'm not really sure if I should try to make something out of this or not. She's cute and seems to be a nice girl.

 

quick edit: we're both going to college next semester, about 90 minutes away from each other. If that should be taken into consideration at all, I didn't really think so.

[muggiwhplar]

You like her, she likes you. Don't make this any more complicated.

[Noxx]

I was as into her as I've ever been to anybody. And as I said, I will be devastated tomorrow, but I think I will be fine tomorrow.

It's not like I am not used to being hopelessly depressed and alone.

 

 

 

I am gonna have the party of my life in a month. I will be celebrating 20th jubilee and I haven't celebrated my bday in 3 years. I will be holding it on Women's Day and I have a plan for it. And if I won't meet someone new there, I will be sorely disappointed.

Have you ever considered not caring so much about being alone? Just because you're alone doesn't mean you're lonely. Just because you're single doesn't mean you're a loser. Just because you don't hook up with different girls every weekend doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

 

I don't think anyone should commit to a relationship before they can be okay with being alone. You're going to put way too much pressure on the other person, and on the relationship, and it's going to be a ticking time bomb from the start. And casual sex would be out of the question too, because it won't be casual. If you can't be okay with being alone, then you're going to fall in love with every girl you sleep with, and you're going to be depressed every time they don't text back or pick up the phone.

[Noxx]

You like her, she likes you. Don't make this any more complicated.

Yeah, just don't expect a "relationship" from her. She just got out of a very serious relationship, so she's going to be looking for someone to replace her old boyfriend. She's not going to be with you, she's going to be with him as you. If that makes sense.

[muggiwhplar]

 

I was as into her as I've ever been to anybody. And as I said, I will be devastated tomorrow, but I think I will be fine tomorrow.

It's not like I am not used to being hopelessly depressed and alone.

 

 

 

I am gonna have the party of my life in a month. I will be celebrating 20th jubilee and I haven't celebrated my bday in 3 years. I will be holding it on Women's Day and I have a plan for it. And if I won't meet someone new there, I will be sorely disappointed.

Have you ever considered not caring so much about being alone? Just because you're alone doesn't mean you're lonely. Just because you're single doesn't mean you're a loser. Just because you don't hook up with different girls every weekend doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

 

I don't think anyone should commit to a relationship before they can be okay with being alone. You're going to put way too much pressure on the other person, and on the relationship, and it's going to be a ticking time bomb from the start. And casual sex would be out of the question too, because it won't be casual. If you can't be okay with being alone, then you're going to fall in love with every girl you sleep with, and you're going to be depressed every time they don't text back or pick up the phone.

 

 

Good post. Saqs won't read it but hopefully the lurkers will :P

[The_Gabe]

I find your lack of numeracy skills to be 100% worrying.

140% Russia

A voting election was rigged in Russia so that it appeared that 140% of the population voted... So it became an internet meme.

"In Russia, 70% is a fail."

 

"Russian alcohol is 140%."

 

"In Russia, Prime Minister vote for you."

 

"140% Russia"

[Ginger_Warrior]

I've literally never heard that meme. Judging by the likes total, nor have a lot of people. :P

[Estonian dude]

 

 

Good post. Saqs won't read it but hopefully the lurkers will :P

 

Hey-hey-hey! I've read every post here.

 

Just a reminder, have not yet experienced the feeling of being in a relationship. And I have my happy times. I have lived 20 years alone, and since like New Years' I don't think I've even felt really depressed or sadly. Even though by all counts I should, financially and temporarily in my studies I was a total boatwreck.

 

I have only been drunk once since New Years'. I have a person I can trust. For now.

And I don't feel really devastated or bad about what happened yesterday either. For my own surprise. Well, might be cause for the first time I didn't get stabbed in the back and run over by a train with the rejection. Somehow I feel perfectly neutral.

 

I am able to live alone and enjoy life alone. Or well, alone I don't get along that well, but when I am with me mates, I can be happiest person alive at times. Ever since New Years' I've gotten a new energy in me.

 

And as I said, the next month is going to be super busy. I cannot wait my 20th birthday enough. Right now I am set to meet at least 5 new girls.

 

EDIT: Come on, you must've heard the 140% Russia meme :D

Came from last presidential elections when somewhere in Caucasia 140% of the population had voted for Putin.

[RpgGamer]

Winter depressions' been hitting me pretty hard the past few weeks. Im not real comfortable talking about it to most folk I know in day to day life because i dont want it to be misconstrued with pre-valentines loneliness. Plus it looks weird to be so out of funk right before your birthday. So I figured I'd come here with my issues. In the past two weeks alone, I've only left my bed about a handful of times. I've gone out a couple times with friends, and its fun, but having lost my job last month, I feel constricted. Financially. I thought with all this time I could finally enjoy the facets of life my job kept me from. And yes I get to go out on weekends now, but I have little funding, and I'm riddled with guilt for not having "earned" a night out. I've drank maybe 7 or 8 times since new years. Which is an insane drop from last summer where I was drunk just about everyday. While that sounds like an improvement, it actually tells me one of two things: I've not been happy for a long time and I was just too drunk to notice, OR I only actually enjoy being social/drinking/partying when I'm not a miserable lump on my bed. I've been going to the gym with my one friend about once a week for a bit now. But it only reminds me of how in shape and awesome I used to feel back when i played League Soccer. I feel like the bane of my existence is simply distracting myself from how bad I feel about my life. Endless tv, excess porn, binge video game sprees, heavy drinking, and occasionally getting bonkers high. It all just removes me from the life in front of me. My mission has always been to be happy. It seems successful until winter comes and these feelings of doubt seed themselves in the forefront of my daily thinking. Does one season a year truly devalue/invalidate 8 otherwise successful months of being content? And why does February always accompany me with such pitiful and undesirable levels of self esteem?

[Ginger_Warrior]

You mentioned losing your job recently. How much has that affected you, both financially and mentally?

[RpgGamer]

I've talked about losing my job a lot when it first happened. Technically, financially I'll be absolutely fine. I've saved somewhere near $13,000 over the past 4 years. Unemployment is supposed to come through any day now for an additional $190/week. I can ride that train until it maxes out around $4,900. But I wanted to go to grad school in September. And that's easily $15,000/semester. I don't feel like I can yet. I also wanted to move out, which seems foolish before getting a "real" job.

Mentally? I was a manager at work. I had full control over nearly 50 people, I made my own hours and I loved who I worked with. But when I wake let go, I felt free. I compared it to being dumped by an abusive girlfriend. Its sad to be dumped, but hey - look how much better you are for it kinda deal. And I was excited to have all of this time to myself, but now I find myself wasting this time not making money and not going out, but instead just waiting for better things to come.

[muggiwhplar]

Winter depressions' been hitting me pretty hard the past few weeks. Im not real comfortable talking about it to most folk I know in day to day life because i dont want it to be misconstrued with pre-valentines loneliness. Plus it looks weird to be so out of funk right before your birthday. So I figured I'd come here with my issues. In the past two weeks alone, I've only left my bed about a handful of times. I've gone out a couple times with friends, and its fun, but having lost my job last month, I feel constricted. Financially. I thought with all this time I could finally enjoy the facets of life my job kept me from. And yes I get to go out on weekends now, but I have little funding, and I'm riddled with guilt for not having "earned" a night out. I've drank maybe 7 or 8 times since new years. Which is an insane drop from last summer where I was drunk just about everyday. While that sounds like an improvement, it actually tells me one of two things: I've not been happy for a long time and I was just too drunk to notice, OR I only actually enjoy being social/drinking/partying when I'm not a miserable lump on my bed. I've been going to the gym with my one friend about once a week for a bit now. But it only reminds me of how in shape and awesome I used to feel back when i played League Soccer. I feel like the bane of my existence is simply distracting myself from how bad I feel about my life. Endless tv, excess porn, binge video game sprees, heavy drinking, and occasionally getting bonkers high. It all just removes me from the life in front of me. My mission has always been to be happy. It seems successful until winter comes and these feelings of doubt seed themselves in the forefront of my daily thinking. Does one season a year truly devalue/invalidate 8 otherwise successful months of being content? And why does February always accompany me with such pitiful and undesirable levels of self esteem?

 

If seasonal depression is something "normal" for you, you could look into buying a "light box" (google it) for treatment. I think they're kind of expensive though. Anyways, lack of sunlight's linked to depression; you just stare into a box of light for like 20 minutes and you get enough "light" as you would in any other season. A friend of mine bought one last year and recommended it.

 

You're a pretty hardcore extravert iirc. You should be spending a lot more time with your friends than you are now or else you're going to start feeling weird. Even as a hardcore introvert I need to spend at least a couple days/week with my friends or else I'll start feeling less happy. Skyping/calling your friends on the phone and talking to them for an hour or two works too.

 

Start going to the gym 3-5 times/week. If you can't go that often, at the very least, go for like a 20-30 minute walk on the days where you're not going to the gym. Even if the weather sucks. It's good for happiness.

 

 

If I had to guess, though, I'd say the biggest reason why you're feeling shitty right now is because you're not doing anything with your life. You're doing stuff that you "enjoy," but it only brings you short-term happiness. And at the end of the day, you realize you haven't actually accomplished anything. This is why you feel guilty about "not deserving" a night out or anything.

 

You need to go set some goals for yourself to give your life meaning. For example, set a very specific fitness goal to work towards whenever you're at the gym. Then after you work out, you'll keep thinking about working out because you'll want to hit your fitness goal and the thought of getting closer to your goal every day will pump you up and make you feel happier.

 

You'll be less inclined to watch TV and stuff when you know that watching TV isn't going to bring you any closer to your goals.

 

The good news is, in the business world (and in the online dating world :D), January 2nd through May 31st is called "go time." There's no major holidays during this time and the weather is shitty, so it's very easy to schedule appointments with people and have them assist you with your goals. So if dating is a priority/goal for you, this is the best time to do that. Same applies if you have a career in sales.

 

 

Anyways, I'd strongly recommend sitting down, figuring out exactly what you want out of life, and then developing a reviewable, revisable plan to get there. Otherwise you're just going to continue feel like your life is pretty meaningless.

 

This is the book I read that taught me how to set goals. You could also probably just search youtube for "brain tracy goal setting" and see what pops up.

[Ginger_Warrior]

Exercise is definitely a good idea. As well as distracting you from depressive thoughts, it also gives you confidence from a sense of accomplishment. You could set yourself specific fitness-related goals to keep you motivated. But from personal experience it's amazing how well a simple jog can take you away from that negative thinking, even if only for half an hour.

 

There's always going to be a loss of self-esteem when leaving a job. It must be a pretty drastic change to go from managing fifty people to having no responsibility whatsoever. That's something I think a lot of people would struggle with initially. Going to college and wanting to improve yourself is a step in the right direction though, so keep your head up with that.

 

If you think it's seasonal depression, see a doctor. If he gives you pills, you don't have to take them if you don't want to, but they're there if you ever do. Can't hurt, right? I say that from the viewpoint of someone who lives with free healthcare, of course; I'm not sure what charges there would be for you.

 

You might not feel like socialising, but force yourself anyway. It's important you maintain contact with people, otherwise you will start to become isolated and you will find yourself in a rut. I'd echo Muggi's comment about not doing anything with your life. I was in that position for a good two years and undoubtedly it's the waking up in the morning with no direction and no sense of purpose that really hurts you. Try and maintain as much of a routine as you can.

 

Excessive watching of porn... I don't really need to go into that, because I think you know how destructive that is in the long-term, yes? ;)

[RpgGamer]

Id like to start a regular exercise routine. I just have to motivate myself to start I suppose. Its not made easy with my fluctuating morning scheduling (I alternate waking up at 830am and 11am depending when I have class) but I suppose a little determination could make better use of the ttime than sleep. Ive heard of light boxes, and I'd certainly pick one over pills. Dont know if its actually worth the purchase, but its certainly interesting. Perhaps tomorrow ill apply to grad school just to know if I'm even accepted first. Worry about payment later. I also have to get my minor sorted for my diploma. Could do that too.

 

As for setting exercise goals, I wish there was a threshold system to know where I stand to even look to improve. Obviously tone shows progress, but I want to better gage my ability now to compare it to in a few months time.

[muggiwhplar]

If you get a free on-campus gym membership like I had when I was in college, then just go to the gym while you're already on campus. My friend and I would always work out together on campus even though we had completely different schedules. We'd just compare schedules and look for an opening between our classes to go lift for an hour.

 

When you're on campus, your brain's already in work/study/productive mode so it's easier to go to the gym while you're already in that state. Once you go home and start relaxing it's harder to get back into productivity-mode. This is why I would also study and do homework at the library after my classes were over before I went home too.

 

For exercise, don't worry about your physical appearance. Just focus on becoming stronger/healthier. I'm skinny like you are, and I never cared about reaching certain measurements or a certain bodyweight. I only cared about strength-- and strength is very easy to measure. If you can bench press 100lbs one week, then your goal for next week should be to bench press 105 lbs. Or if you can do 6 reps of 135 lbs, then next week try 6 reps of 140 lbs or 7+ reps of 135 lbs. As long as you're better than you were last time. Your body will start to look jacked on its own as a side-effect of focusing on your strength instead of your appearance.

 

In your first two weeks of heavy lifting, don't expect any immediate results. Then after those two weeks, expect insane consistent results for the next few months.

 

Running's easy too but I've never really been a fan of it because I'm weird. Just run as far as you can. Then next time you run, either run the same distance in a quicker time; or run farther than you did last time.

 

You're skinny like me so you don't really have to worry about a special diet or anything. Just as long as you eat a lot. When I was in my physical prime, my diet consisted of pizza rolls and poptarts lol. Went to the doctor to get my cholesterol and everything tested and they said I was healthy :P

 

 

I'd also recommend buying a small dry-erase whiteboard and put it in your room. You write your big long-term goal that you'd like to achieve within the next 1-5 years such as "I can run a marathon." Then below it, you list/track all the sub-goals to get closer to that goal.

 

For example, if you want to run a marathon, you draw a small little thermometer and have 26 miles on one end, 0 miles on the other end. Each time you set a new personal distance record, you fill in more of the thermometer until you run a marathon and fill up the thermometer at the 26th mile. This gives you a nice visual representation of your progress, and you get to stare at it every time you're in your room so you'll light a fire under your own ass :D Your friends will also ask about it. And more importantly, your close friends will grill you about it if they see that your thermometer hasn't changed at all since the last time they saw you :P

 

But yeah, besides that big goal, you'd have other goals like "Run X miles today/this week/this month" and try to fill up those thermometers by your deadlines too. Your brain makes you feel good whenever you successfully complete a task. I'd recommend getting addicted to that feeling of success rather than the feeling of drugs and TV watching :P

[Ginger_Warrior]

Whatever constitutes your diet, though, try to keep it stable. Don't be eating dinner at 5pm one day and 11.30pm the next. Whether you're clinically depressed or not, we all feel shitty following that sort of routine. As far as diet and exercise is concerned, just eat what you'd normally eat and maybe drink a pint of water / juice before starting. There's a lot of pseudoscience around sports nutrition, you don't need to listen to it.