"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[Low Levelled]

I'd say it's pretty obvious you need to figure out what you want and do it. No reason putting an allegedly crazy semi stranger's happiness above your own. That being said, if you're cool with casually hooking up then go for it.

 

 

Also, loving the punctuation RPG.. Have a good story behind that? (Hoping for a good one :D)

[Noxx]

Ok, so this girl has been texting me for about a week or so now, and I do not know her very well. She used to live where I do and now goes to college elsewhere, but she texts me and says that she wishes I were with her to sleep with her. And that she wants to visit my apartment when she is back in town for the obvious reasons.  Obviously I feel like I should just stop texting her. She seems crazy. But I don't want to just stop texting her because I would feel bad. I've done that to people before and it always made me feel like a terrible person for just cutting off all contact with them. I just don't know what to say to her since I don't know her very well at all. idk.

 

Any advice? 

To be honest if a guy did this to a girl she would probably respond in more or less the following way: "I don't really feel comfortable texting you like this, we hardly know each other".

I feel like a reply like that would be suitable. 

It's really going to be up to her how the rest of it plays out. Either she's going to change how she texts you, or stop all together out of "embarrassment".

[Ginger_Warrior]

I think he knows that he isn't interested in her, he doesn't know how to go about telling her.

 

Honestly, just tell the truth and be assertive. Tell her you're sorry but you don't see her in that way. She'll probably stop texting anyway, but if she carries on being suggestive just repeat more firmly that you're not interested.

 

Sooner rather than later. Nothing hurts the ego quite like false hope. Which is what you're doing by [kitty]-footing around the issue.

[RpgGamer]

I'd say it's pretty obvious you need to figure out what you want and do it. No reason putting an allegedly crazy semi stranger's happiness above your own. That being said, if you're cool with casually hooking up then go for it.

Also, loving the punctuation RPG.. Have a good story behind that? (Hoping for a good one :D)

Few beers+lousy keypad. Ive been trying new input programs. That one had a weird habit of confusing space bar with period. Sorry its not more interesting lol

[Noxx]

So 2 days ago... I got a call from a one of my oldest friends in Qatar. He was one of the first people i met, and he actually met his girlfriend through me. Her and i had a fling for a while, but it never worked out. She's from the UK. Now about 3 years ago she went away to the UK for Uni. She came back about every 6 months for a few weeks. They saw each other then, but they agreed that while they were apart they were open to see other people. She was still a virgin when they met (i think), and was very really much of a sexual person. But when he called me, he sounded...heartbroken. Which i found very odd because generally nothing gets him down. But anyway, he started telling me how the two of them were at his house. They opened a bottle of wine and started talking. He started asking her about the past 3 years she was away in the UK (they're kind of back together now, as she's been back in town for about 3 or 4 months). After about a bottle and a half he asked her how many guys she had been with while she was away. He said that the answer kind of shocked him. He never expected this from her. Before she gave him an answer she tried to explain that most of it was meaningless and only really happened because she was alone and/or lonely. But the magic number was 12.

He said that while she had been gone he's been with 5 other girls (which i know is a lie, he's only been with 3 but i didn't feel like it was a good idea to call him out on it).

So anyway, he told me that he feels a bit weird now. He's not sure how to proceed with her. He says he still loves her (they've known each other for just short of 6 years now i think), and i think they really loved each other a lot. But i know her, she doesn't do well when she's on her own. I think that's why i never wanted a relationship with her.

His job includes quite a bit of traveling and he fears that those lonely feelings will return if he has to be away from home for a week or two. And he said his biggest problem was the fact that she always said sex doesn't matter to her, but her track record shows the opposite. He said a few other things that i can't seem to remember now. But generally he sounded very upset about this. He said the one thing he always loved about her was her innocence, and now she seems tainted. He didn't ask for my advice, or help. He said he just wanted someone to listen. But about an hour ago he sent me a text saying that he's been up all night not able to sleep because of what he knows now. I told him to take a sleeping pill or something, and just sleep and we can hash it out tomorrow (or later, rather).

I'm not really sure what to tell him though.

 

On the one hand he has to realise that she's with him (kind of) now. Not because she has to be, but because she wants to be. If she says the other guys were meaningless and she just felt lonely and/or alone, then i guess that's that. We all have different ways of dealing with our pain. But i'm not sure what else there is to say.

Now i know i'll get a few "Tell him to grow up and get over it" relies, but try put yourself in his shoes first.

How would you react?

What would you do?

How would you proceed?

[muggiwhplar]

Disney fantasies shattered by reality. Nothing new here...

 

List of mistakes he made and (incorrect) beliefs he has, which cause him extreme unhappiness:

1. Says it's ok to see other people; goes apeshit when she sees other people.

2. Genuinely believed that either she wouldn't see other people, or that he'd be ok with her seeing other people

3. Genuinely believes that a woman who has sex with multiple men is damaged goods.

4. His self-esteem is (at least somewhat) defined by how many women he sleeps with (you said he exaggerated about how many women he's actually been with)

5. Took everything she said seriously

6. Fears being alone; feels lonely without others' validation

 

So, if you want him to be happy, then he needs to change his beliefs to:

1. Says it's ok to see other people; genuinely doesn't give a shit if she sees other people

2. Understands that she's not a perfect little angel (no woman is), but a mere mortal human being, completely susceptible to human biology, and will likely bang as many guys as she has the opportunity to

3. Understands that a woman's number of sexual partners has no relevance to her worth as a human being, a significant other, or a sexual partner.

4. His self-esteem is defined as he wishes it to be.

5. Trusts her based on her actions, not her words.

6. Enjoys being alone; never gets lonely

 

 

So yeah, like I've said countless times in the past, bad/wrong beliefs eventually will lead to unhappiness.

[Noxx]

Yeah that's the first thing i told him. I told him that he can't be mad at her for seeing other people, when he told her to do so. He told me that he didn't expect her to go "crazy" like she did, because sex never meant that much to her. "For someone that isn't a 'very sexual person' she kind of didn't act like it". 

I thought at first that maybe it was just her "growing up", but she left for the UK when she was just about to turn 23. It's not like 23 is a life changing age. 

Like... i'm really at a loss. I don't know how i would feel if i was in his shoes, but your post is really something to think about and to consider. It makes a lot of sense.

[muggiwhplar]

You'd probably feel the same way if you were in his shoes. And I think most of the people who visit this thread, including myself, understand what your friend is going through because we've all had some of those beliefs at some point in our lives; and consequently we've felt the exact same feelings of loneliness and despair as a result of those beliefs.

 

Now the question is, in X years from now, will he still allow himself to be susceptible to such circumstances? Or will he change the way he thinks and behaves?

[Noxx]

You'd probably feel the same way if you were in his shoes. And I think most of the people who visit this thread, including myself, understand what your friend is going through because we've all had some of those beliefs at some point in our lives; and consequently we've felt the exact same feelings of loneliness and despair as a result of those beliefs.

 

Now the question is, in X years from now, will he still allow himself to be susceptible to such circumstances? Or will he change the way he thinks and behaves?

He's kind of always been like this i think. I doubt he's really going to change. He told me the only way he can feel okay with this is if he matches her number. Personally i think that's rather silly. I think his big concern is that he feels inexperienced now (i think that's how i would feel). I told him though, not to think about it too much. Because the more he thinks about it, the more it's going to bother him. And i told him that 10 years down the line, assuming they are still together, i don't want something like this popping into his mind every few months causing fights/doubts.

Those guys obviously meant little/nothing to her, because they are no longer in her life. She had the chance to stay in the UK (she got a good job offer there), but instead she chose to come back here so she can see him/be with him.

[RpgGamer]

He has to learn the reality of his situation. Atrractive girls have sex. More often then most guys do. Accept it and proceed to be in a relationship with said attractive girl, or pretend the world is a beautiful and innocent place where he's the only one allowed to have sex with who he pleases.

 

As muggiw recognized, I've also struggled with the same issue. And by that I mean I still struggle. Its not easy. I don't know how to put it in any other perspective

[muggiwhplar]

Yeah that brings up another incorrect belief which I forgot to mention: that sex and love are the same thing.

 

You already know this to be true already, I imagine. Just because you have sex with someone doesn't mean you have feelings for them. It's just that we've been raised to believe you only have sex with people that you have feelings for. And therefore sex = feelings. But obviously this is not the case. :)

 

So with that said, they probably both love each other even though they've had sex with other partners. However, I wouldn't necessarily trust her to be monogamous; especially if she can get laid easier than he can, and they both know it. If they get together I imagine this will become a problem further down the road; he'll get jealous, needy, and paranoid, while she gets bored and frustrated.

 

The sad thing is, even if he was to match her number somehow, then he'd be the one untrustworthy of a monogamous relationship, either constantly cheating or feeling the urge to cheat since he knows how easy it is.

 

 

Buuuuut I feel like I'm starting to drift into another mono vs. poly debate and I have no interest in debating that again. :P So if this post makes sense, good, and if not, then oh well. :D

[Tim]

 He told me that he didn't expect her to go "crazy" like she did, because sex never meant that much to her. 

HA! No offence to your friend, but EVERY SINGLE WOMAN I know who said that, immediately after the relationship with the person they said that to, slept with every guy they could. No joke.

 

But back to the topic, trying to "match" a number of sexual partners as someone else is not only a highly stupid (and potentially dangerous) thing to do, but it's also a very immature thing to do. 

Besides, 12 isn't that large of a number to be concerned about. If it was 30+ different guys, then yeah I'd feel awkward. I know first hand it can be an emotionally damaging thing, so yeah. Tell him that it's something he shouldn't be so hung up on.

[Noxx]

I actually think he can get laid a lot easier than she can. When i went out with him over the past 3 years... some nights we had to beat girls away with a stick. I don't know, the dude's an attractive guy. He never had to really initiate anything. Girls would always approach him. I always asked him why he never went for any of the girls that approached him and i always got the same answer "I don't feel like i have too". Now i think he's regretting it, haha.

[muggiwhplar]

How often did he actually get laid on those nights out though? If he got laid frequently, that's awesome. But if not, then he's probably just afraid of following through with the girls who approached him... which is bad :P

[Noxx]

How often did he actually get laid on those nights out though? If he got laid frequently, that's awesome. But if not, then he's probably just afraid of following through with the girls who approached him... which is bad :P

Eh, i can't really say. He went home with a lot of girls, but never really hooked up with any of them (except of maybe 3 of them, which would be on a semi-regular basis then). He always told me that he felt uncomfortable sleeping with someone on the first night they meet, and due to his crazy schedule i don't think he was really interested in a relationship at the time.

[Ginger_Warrior]

Hmm... Interesting one that.

 

Firstly, it wasn't fair of him to say he was fine with an open relationship when she left for uni, when in fact he clearly wasn't. It smacks of accusing her of breaking rules which he himself had demolished. How could she have known how he would feel about it, if that's what he agreed to (and he was with other women himself)? As muggi will no doubt agree on, multiple sexual partners can only work if the jealously and possessiveness isn't an issue.

 

So I'd ask him why he agreed to it in the first place. So he is wouldn't get lonely himself? So she wouldn't turn around and say "[bleep] off, I'm doing it anyway whether you like it or not"?

 

I'd also explore why her having so much more sex compared to himself (the way he exaggerated his own number) makes him feel so insecure. Scared that her expectations are unassailably high? Scared that he's not the only bloke who finds her attractive? Communication is key, and if he feels anxious he should probably admit to it instead of putting up the bravado.

 

For what it's worth, if she had sex 12 times at university, but no relationship between those times, it sounds more like drunken mishaps, or simply trying to fulfill basic needs. Against that backdrop, is it so hard to believe they really didn't mean anything more than what it was?

 

He does need to get over it, but I'd say he should do that by identifying the thoughts and beliefs underpinning his feelings, and work on transforming those beliefs instead of essentially blaming her for failing to meet his expectations.

[obfuscator]

He's being silly. For example I told muggi I don't mind if he sleeps around while I'm away in canada, and I meant it. Personally I have slept not only in my bed, but on the floor, and at my friend's house, all in the past week. It's good to experiment with different beds so you get maximum value for your sleep dollar

[RpgGamer]

The clerks 2 "37" scene should be referenced for his own solace. Ill try to find a link.

 

(Language warning)

 

More importantly is the scene after that where Randall puts things in perspective and consoles Dante. Watch the whole movie though, its worth it

[nine naked men]

y guy so fat that when he sleeps around the house, he really sleeps around the house

[Randox]

Reality really can be a shocker sometimes. I guess there is nothing to be done about it now but...don't build imaginary visions of your future with someone and then not them about it. I can see where he is coming from, especially if he was turning down sex in line with the unspoken fantasy in his head, but it was his mistake to not communicate the truth, to expect her to react to the situation in the same way he did, and if he wants to move on with the relationship, he's going to have to own that mistake. He screwed up, what happened has happened, and he can choose to move on or he can't.

 

I'd kind of hope that he's a decent enough guy that he'll get there (sooner rather than later) so having a sympathetic ear that perhaps keeps him grounded in reality would be all he needs. If he's feeling insecure or inadequate now, I'd definitely point out that she passed up a good job offer to come back and be with him (if you haven't already).

 

Also, if he doesn't bother telling his girlfriend about how he feels about this, at some point it might become clear that he isn't going to get through this just you and him (at least not without doing something really stupid, like trying to match her count), and if you're comfortable with it, it might come down to you to tell her (or at the very least, encourage him to talk to her about it). At the end of the day, if this is going to be an issue for them, they've got a pretty serious discussion coming up and the sooner that happens, the sooner they can both get on with their lives one way or the other.

[Ginger_Warrior]

Spent a few nights staying up late with that girl I was talking about a few weeks ago.

 

It's annoying. It's very obvious there's a deeply emotional connection between the two of us. We talked for four or five hours each night only stopping to make toilet breaks and cups of tea, bouncing energetically and passionately from topic to topic. Our values, attitudes and "mission" in life are almost identical. Some of the stuff we talked about were personal secrets neither her or I have shared with anyone else, so there's clearly plenty of trust and care between us. At times we were quite affectionate, stroking each others arms, hugging each other tightly and cuddling, even getting tearful at times when the other person was talking about something upsetting. We were both very complimentary to each other; she said I was a "great person", that we were "meant to meet" (she believes in fate), even commenting that my clothes and hair were looking particularly nice that evening.

 

Then she starts talking about how she's "fallen in love" with her boyfriend and that she's so happy with what they've got. It feels like a dagger through the abdomen, but on deeper reflection, that doesn't really bother me so much: I'm happy that he makes her happy when I'm not there.

 

What really bothers me is the timing. We had barely spoken for weeks and then, the night after her boyfriend moves home for Christmas, she texts me asking to meet up after work. Then we spend two more nights after that with each other, showing lots of affection to each other. I wouldn't show that affection towards someone I was "just friends" with. I wouldn't go as far to say that I fail to exist while her boyfriend's around; we still keep in contact on a much less intimate basis. But it definitely feels like when he's not here, or when she needs something her boyfriend can't give to her, I'm basically the first person to turn to.

 

I should wrap this up. I guess the reason it's annoying is because, on the one hand, we're clearly very good friends and it's flattering she does feel that comfortable and trusting with me, and I do reciprocate that. On the other hand, it's annoying because... well, you know... I don't think it's a mistake to be keeping in touch with her or even being that close to her in the first place. There are no mistakes in life; only lessons which prevent us from making bad decisions repeatedly. The main lessons I am taking from this are:

 

a) If you like someone and they're single, tell them, because you can almost guarantee that if you don't, someone else will;

b) If she likes me that much, other girls will as well and I'd probably be just as happy with them as I think I would have been with her. So I should take confidence from that and use it around other women.

[obfuscator]

idk why you're continuing to put yourself through this

[muggiwhplar]

I see you did the opposite of what I advised you to do >_>
 

b) If she likes me that much, other girls will as well and I'd probably be just as happy with them as I think I would have been with her. So I should take confidence from that and use it around other women

No, this just means other girls will friendzone you too as long as you keep doing what you've been doing.

 

 

I don't think you need us to tell you that you're not making smart decisions right now. I think you already know this deep down; you're just rationalizing it away because you're already in too deep with this girl (and not in the way that you want to be :twss:)

[RpgGamer]

You're the plan b boyfriend. Have fun staying up all night to talk so she gets it out of her system so her boyfriend didn't have to hear it before sleeping with her.

 

At this point its worth at least admitting to her she's not just an ordinary friend.

[constrictor]

At this point just cut it entirely off with her. She's using you, not purposefully (or atleast it's unlikely), but sill using you. And that is neither healthy for you or her. If she's not having these long/deep discussions with her boyfriend then they're not discussing things well (possibly not at all), and by being her emotional cruch in that way just keeps her from sharing such things with er boyfriend and that will ultimately drestroy their relationship. So if you love her and want her to stay in the relationship, get out of it.

 

I've been there before and being out of it is worlds better; you'll thank us all in two months when you realize what a terrible idea it was to be used in that way.