"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[MuffinMaddy]

.

[RpgGamer]

You forget muggi, in your quest for higher numbers you're too accustomed to rejection. Youre on a totally different playing field. "I'll have to check my schedule" absolutely is a polite rejection line. Until it isn't. Some people really are busy and have to get their shit in order to accomodate unforseen plans. Thats why I'm always sure to follow up with a counter offer when I say the infamous "I have to check my schedule". Unless I really am politely rejecting them.

 

It reminds me of one of the first girls I ever aproached through okcupid. I gave her my intro and she replied a day later "I'm sorry I'm not interested". At first I was taken aback, but the simplicity of the situation sunk in and I got over it as quickly as I'd met her. Its a better polite rejection line is my point.

 

People should be more clear with their intentions, and people should stop being so sensitive and understand everyone is their own person with their own things going on

[Riku3220]

See I read all that and figured he's just getting his shit in order. All you people are cynics. Have fun maddy, sorry I didn't read until now to balance the scales of opinion.

I operate under the assumption that if they wanted to go on a date then they'd attempt to find time almost immediately, not wait an entire day to get back to them.

[Noxx]

 

See I read all that and figured he's just getting his shit in order. All you people are cynics. Have fun maddy, sorry I didn't read until now to balance the scales of opinion.

I operate under the assumption that if they wanted to go on a date then they'd attempt to find time almost immediately, not wait an entire day to get back to them.

 

Yes, because no one should be allowed to think about something, or be shy, or be insecure.

[Noxx]

 

 

It's definitely a polite rejection

Well... this is awks...

That's probably the first instance I've ever heard of where that excuse was genuine... And I hear that excuse hundreds of times per month, both in online dating and at work in sales.

 

Granted, in both cases I do things by putting in the numbers so if someone ever gives me that excuse I immediately forget about them and move on, as opposed to prodding them to ascertain whether or not it's genuine.

 

I find it completely stupid that you try to compare online dating to non-online dating. 

[muggiwhplar]

 

 

 

 

It's definitely a polite rejection

Well... this is awks...

That's probably the first instance I've ever heard of where that excuse was genuine... And I hear that excuse hundreds of times per month, both in online dating and at work in sales.

 

Granted, in both cases I do things by putting in the numbers so if someone ever gives me that excuse I immediately forget about them and move on, as opposed to prodding them to ascertain whether or not it's genuine.

I find it completely stupid that you try to compare online dating to non-online dating.

Women are women, regardless of how you choose to communicate with them.

[Noxx]

 

 

 

 

It's definitely a polite rejection

Well... this is awks...

That's probably the first instance I've ever heard of where that excuse was genuine... And I hear that excuse hundreds of times per month, both in online dating and at work in sales.

 

Granted, in both cases I do things by putting in the numbers so if someone ever gives me that excuse I immediately forget about them and move on, as opposed to prodding them to ascertain whether or not it's genuine.

I find it completely stupid that you try to compare online dating to non-online dating.

Women are women, regardless of how you choose to communicate with them.

 

Yes. And men are men regardless of how you choose to communicate with them. But relationship is a game, and the rules change when you go from dating to online-dating. You can't aply the rules of rugby to a game of soccer just because they're both played with a ball.

[muggiwhplar]

What kinds of things do you think change

[MightyMuddy]

What kinds of things do you think change

How aggressive and forward you have to be. If he sees her often in real life and has easy access to her through facebook and text he has space to choose what he wants with her. And the way she's presented herself, he has a lot of space.

 

Just to chip in, when you asked him if he'd already got your text, that comes of as needy and it's too much. You're suffocating the poor boy and making yourself seem desperate.  I'm not saying be callous to the boy, far from it, you should never be "mean" or whatever to try and impress him, but unless he's incredibly shy/socially awkward he probably knows you're into him and aggressively going after him won't help. Be open, and if he wants you, he'll get you. 

 

imo

[nine naked men]

can't touch the balls w/your hand in one

 

am i referring to socer or online dating?>???

[Noxx]

What kinds of things do you think change

Everything up to the point where you actually have to meet the person face-to-face.

 

Some people are extremely photogenic. So photogenic that they look better in pictures than they do in real life. I could have professionally taken photos of me on my profile. I'll look like the the hottest guy that's ever set foot on earth. And then you see me in real life and the truth is revealed. I'm no ore than an average Joe. It's hard to fake your physical appearance when you're face-to-face with someone. I know your looks (as a girl) can be altered with the help of make-up, but generally it's pretty easy to spot the ones wearing a mask.

Rejection or acceptance is a lot easier online. I send a girl a message on a dating site. I tell her i think she's cute, i want to take her out on a date, i want to get to know her, i want to [bleep] her, whatever you want. It's easy, because all it takes is me sitting behind my computer. I don't need to worry about the zit on my nose. I don't have to worry about my bad breath. I don't have to worry about the sweat stains under my arms. I don't have to worry about a voice crack because i'm nervous. I don't even have to worry about changing into clothes. I can do all of this while wearing my dirty track pants and a mustard stained shirt.

If she rejects my invitation, so what. There's 1000 more girls a few clicks away. I can try again and again. It's not going to affect me the slightest. But when i'm at a club or a party and she rejects me, there's maybe 20 or 30 other girls i can choose from. But i have to be careful who i choose, because i can't exactly try it with all of them. And if she rejects me, i don't have to feel silly. I'm not going to be embarrassed because 20 people saw me try and fail. In fact, no one but the person i messaged would know that i failed. So it takes a lot of stress and pressure away.

If i ask someone out face-to-face and she rejects you there's always the "Oh shit, what do i do now. Act cool. Act cool" going on in the back of your head. She rejects you online and the only thing you're thinking is "Meh"

And then the part that applies to Maddy's situation. If you ask someone out face-to-face they are almost forced to give you an answer right on the spot. Does not have to be a definite answer, but it has to be at least some sort of answer. Whether it's a yes, a no, or a "i'll have to see if i can pencil you in". There's going to be an answer. This puts pressure on both the person who asked and the person who's getting asked. If you ask someone out online they have the option to reply with the exact same thing (or they can completely ignore you), but now time in not a factor. They can reply to you in 10 minutes, an hour, a day, a week. It gives them too much time to think or try and rationalize the situation. You don't want people to think about their answer, really.

 

I know there's still a lot of point i overlooked, but i'm sure you get the general idea.

[obfuscator]

On the other hand it's very difficult to project your personality online, that can be a huge plus when doing things irl

[Noxx]

On the other hand it's very difficult to project your personality online, that can be a huge plus when doing things irl

And it's also extremely easy to hide who you really are online.

[MuffinMaddy]

.

 

[Ginger_Warrior]

Conversation between any two people who've just started dating or who've just met each other will be awkward. Even if you are a raving extrovert and full of confidence, there's still that initial fear of approaching someone else or being approached yourself. If he's as nervous as you say, he'll probably be more awkward than most and that might take some time.

 

I understand what you say about making the environment as comfortable as possible, but I really cannot overdo this point about effective communication. Relationships are a lot like life, in that there are always problems, whether it's a short-term crisis or something more long-term. Sex, money, family, careers, friends... it all gets thrown into the mix. The only difference is that you're both in it together, and you need to be talking to each other about those issues, because if you don't and one or the both of you become dissatisfied, the relationship will break apart one way or another.

 

It's okay to be awkward now. Three months down the line? Be careful about that. But let's not get ahead of ourselves... one date at a time. :)

[muggiwhplar]

 

What kinds of things do you think change

Everything up to the point where you actually have to meet the person face-to-face.

 

Some people are extremely photogenic. So photogenic that they look better in pictures than they do in real life. I could have professionally taken photos of me on my profile. I'll look like the the hottest guy that's ever set foot on earth. And then you see me in real life and the truth is revealed. I'm no ore than an average Joe. It's hard to fake your physical appearance when you're face-to-face with someone. I know your looks (as a girl) can be altered with the help of make-up, but generally it's pretty easy to spot the ones wearing a mask.

Rejection or acceptance is a lot easier online. I send a girl a message on a dating site. I tell her i think she's cute, i want to take her out on a date, i want to get to know her, i want to [bleep] her, whatever you want. It's easy, because all it takes is me sitting behind my computer. I don't need to worry about the zit on my nose. I don't have to worry about my bad breath. I don't have to worry about the sweat stains under my arms. I don't have to worry about a voice crack because i'm nervous. I don't even have to worry about changing into clothes. I can do all of this while wearing my dirty track pants and a mustard stained shirt.

If she rejects my invitation, so what. There's 1000 more girls a few clicks away. I can try again and again. It's not going to affect me the slightest. But when i'm at a club or a party and she rejects me, there's maybe 20 or 30 other girls i can choose from. But i have to be careful who i choose, because i can't exactly try it with all of them. And if she rejects me, i don't have to feel silly. I'm not going to be embarrassed because 20 people saw me try and fail. In fact, no one but the person i messaged would know that i failed. So it takes a lot of stress and pressure away.

If i ask someone out face-to-face and she rejects you there's always the "Oh shit, what do i do now. Act cool. Act cool" going on in the back of your head. She rejects you online and the only thing you're thinking is "Meh"

And then the part that applies to Maddy's situation. If you ask someone out face-to-face they are almost forced to give you an answer right on the spot. Does not have to be a definite answer, but it has to be at least some sort of answer. Whether it's a yes, a no, or a "i'll have to see if i can pencil you in". There's going to be an answer. This puts pressure on both the person who asked and the person who's getting asked. If you ask someone out online they have the option to reply with the exact same thing (or they can completely ignore you), but now time in not a factor. They can reply to you in 10 minutes, an hour, a day, a week. It gives them too much time to think or try and rationalize the situation. You don't want people to think about their answer, really.

 

I know there's still a lot of point i overlooked, but i'm sure you get the general idea.

 

 

When you become more experienced I think you'll find that all of those self-conscious examples you provided don't exist in reality either. It's all in your head.

 

When I'm at my computer messaging girls, and they resist the meet-up, I move on because I know there's dozens of others I need to respond to. When I'm on a first date with a girl and she resists my advances, I move on, because I know there's dozens of others who are into me. When I'm doing sales at work and I get a client who gives me resistance when I go for the close, I move on because I have dozens of other willing clients who can recognize a good deal when they see it.

 

It's no different than if I were to go to the bars either. It may appear to be different to you, but the principles remain the same. The only thing that's different is your perception and abundance mentality. The less confident/carefree you are, the harder it is to maintain an abundance mentality.

[Noxx]

 

 

What kinds of things do you think change

Everything up to the point where you actually have to meet the person face-to-face.

 

Some people are extremely photogenic. So photogenic that they look better in pictures than they do in real life. I could have professionally taken photos of me on my profile. I'll look like the the hottest guy that's ever set foot on earth. And then you see me in real life and the truth is revealed. I'm no ore than an average Joe. It's hard to fake your physical appearance when you're face-to-face with someone. I know your looks (as a girl) can be altered with the help of make-up, but generally it's pretty easy to spot the ones wearing a mask.

Rejection or acceptance is a lot easier online. I send a girl a message on a dating site. I tell her i think she's cute, i want to take her out on a date, i want to get to know her, i want to [bleep] her, whatever you want. It's easy, because all it takes is me sitting behind my computer. I don't need to worry about the zit on my nose. I don't have to worry about my bad breath. I don't have to worry about the sweat stains under my arms. I don't have to worry about a voice crack because i'm nervous. I don't even have to worry about changing into clothes. I can do all of this while wearing my dirty track pants and a mustard stained shirt.

If she rejects my invitation, so what. There's 1000 more girls a few clicks away. I can try again and again. It's not going to affect me the slightest. But when i'm at a club or a party and she rejects me, there's maybe 20 or 30 other girls i can choose from. But i have to be careful who i choose, because i can't exactly try it with all of them. And if she rejects me, i don't have to feel silly. I'm not going to be embarrassed because 20 people saw me try and fail. In fact, no one but the person i messaged would know that i failed. So it takes a lot of stress and pressure away.

If i ask someone out face-to-face and she rejects you there's always the "Oh shit, what do i do now. Act cool. Act cool" going on in the back of your head. She rejects you online and the only thing you're thinking is "Meh"

And then the part that applies to Maddy's situation. If you ask someone out face-to-face they are almost forced to give you an answer right on the spot. Does not have to be a definite answer, but it has to be at least some sort of answer. Whether it's a yes, a no, or a "i'll have to see if i can pencil you in". There's going to be an answer. This puts pressure on both the person who asked and the person who's getting asked. If you ask someone out online they have the option to reply with the exact same thing (or they can completely ignore you), but now time in not a factor. They can reply to you in 10 minutes, an hour, a day, a week. It gives them too much time to think or try and rationalize the situation. You don't want people to think about their answer, really.

 

I know there's still a lot of point i overlooked, but i'm sure you get the general idea.

 

 

When you become more experienced I think you'll find that all of those self-conscious examples you provided don't exist in reality either. It's all in your head.

 

When I'm at my computer messaging girls, and they resist the meet-up, I move on because I know there's dozens of others I need to respond to. When I'm on a first date with a girl and she resists my advances, I move on, because I know there's dozens of others who are into me. When I'm doing sales at work and I get a client who gives me resistance when I go for the close, I move on because I have dozens of other willing clients who can recognize a good deal when they see it.

 

It's no different than if I were to go to the bars either. It may appear to be different to you, but the principles remain the same. The only thing that's different is your perception and abundance mentality.

 

Sigh... did not read a single word.

[muggiwhplar]

(shrug) Hopefully someone else found my post insightful then :P

[RpgGamer]

While your theory holds some merit muggi, you have to admit there are differences in real life to online reality.

[muggiwhplar]

While your theory holds some merit muggi, you have to admit there are differences in real life to online reality.

 

It's not a theory. It's my day to day life, and the day to day life of many people I know.

 

The differences are irrelevant because the end result is still the same

[Noxx]

Your "lifestyle" is extremely unrealistic for the average person. Believe it or not, there are actually people out there (shy people) for whom it will never become a case of "Oh, it's all in my head". To them "the game" will never get easier. Whether they've done it once or a hundred times. And i'm still baffled at how you think there's no difference between dating online and offline. Completely dumbfounded. 

[MightyMuddy]

 

 

What kinds of things do you think change

How aggressive and forward you have to be. If he sees her often in real life and has easy access to her through facebook and text he has space to choose what he wants with her. And the way she's presented herself, he has a lot of space.

 

Just to chip in, when you asked him if he'd already got your text, that comes of as needy and it's too much. You're suffocating the poor boy and making yourself seem desperate.  I'm not saying be callous to the boy, far from it, you should never be "mean" or whatever to try and impress him, but unless he's incredibly shy/socially awkward he probably knows you're into him and aggressively going after him won't help. Be open, and if he wants you, he'll get you. 

 

imo

 

 

I know that, and I really never do that except in cases where I actually would appreciate a reply and am too anxious to wait much longer. Sometimes you have to prod to get a response, but only in serious cases. I don't have any plans to prod further and I won't, because I've done it once and I don't like doing it, but with some people you've got to push and make your intentions clear. The pushing I can just about manage, the intentions clear is another story and skill which I haven't yet mastered. Sometimes if you don't push, your questions are unanswered and nothing gets done if they're too shy to speak up. It's a small sacrifice to do something you don't like doing, like prodding someone a bit, compared with just sitting there waiting for weeks and weeks for a reply which you never get. Yeah, I don't do that keep em mean to keep em keen thing, I'm always nice to people in general but that's the issue. There is never really a distinction between me liking someone and me being me because a lot of people get along with me, and I'm far too scared to single anyone out and be particularly nice to them. This is why I look like a friend to pretty much anyone, and then obviously having my opinions under the surface. I'm not trying to impress anyone, I know he likes me at least as a person, and me liking him in a different way doesn't change how I act. It may make me more nervous, or shy around him, but it doesn't change the substance to my personality that he's seen and seems to like. Moreover we communicate very well verbally, conversation is not forced and I seem to make him relax. He's easily the kind of person that if you weren't easy to talk to, he'd be quiet and not say a word and the conversation would be stunted. But it isn't like that with me, and he legitimately seems happy to see me. He just will not approach me because he's shy, and I consistently get over my shyness momentarily to say hi, and approach his group of friends and say hi to them even if I feel incredibly awkward, which I do. I'm only awkward if the person I'm with is awkward. But with me he seems at least slightly less awkward than with a lot of people around, from what I saw when I played cards with him and when he chatted to me one night. He is awkward on first observation with lots of people around or in social situations, my flatmate and friend does his course and sees him a lot in lectures. He said everything about him is awkward, his mannerisms, how he dances in the club, talks, behaves, his friends are awkward if you aren't directly in their group and approach them as a female, and even that doesn't throw me off because I like what I've seen of his personality, so while I need to strike the balance between being forward enough that he gets the message, but relaxed enough that he doesn't feel any kind of pressure or unease around me, I think leaving communication out for a while is a good step.

 

This is partially why getting him alone would be a really nice way to get to know him a little bit more, and him to get to know me some more and talk without feeling, it's that word again... awkward.

 

Thanks for all your opinions though.

Meetup is next week as he's busy this week so I'm going to get on with some work.

Not calling it a date, not yet anyway.

 

I still don't think that asking if he's got your message is worthwhile, cause his lack of a reply is kind of something in itself, and I'm sure he might have replied later when he'd found his phone. But I guess maybe you know him better than I do. Idk.

 

As for him being awkward, haha, some guys are socially retard. I've messed up with so many ridiculously cool women because I was mega, mega awkward. I've had things like a girl come up to me and rub my face, call me a beautiful boy and say "I'd ask mightymuddy to get lunch with me tomorrow but I don't think he'd come" and I still didn't get it.

That also being said, there are a lot of girls who've chased me and I blatantly haven't been interested.

 

Check this thread out though, boys can be stupid sometimes, haha.

 

http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=110386641

 

Good luck!

[Ginger_Warrior]

Your "lifestyle" is extremely unrealistic for the average person. Believe it or not, there are actually people out there (shy people) for whom it will never become a case of "Oh, it's all in my head". To them "the game" will never get easier. Whether they've done it once or a hundred times. And i'm still baffled at how you think there's no difference between dating online and offline. Completely dumbfounded. 

While I've agreed more on your side over muggi's thus far, surely this argument is counter-intuitive. If a person is shy, surely trying to set up dates in an environment which doesn't have body language and face-to-face communication would be preferable to a "real life" environment where all the normal rules still apply.

 

Furthermore, shyness doesn't equate to "It's all in my head". Shyness is a very mild form of social anxiety. What you're referring to there is over-sensitivity, which can be symptomatic of anxiety but does not indicate shyness itself. People can be timid and composed about a situation at the same time. For example, if we're using personal anecdotes, I'm a very timid person when it comes to approaching people I've never met before, something which has always held me back in the dating game, but I can still introduce myself and develop therapeutic relationships with fourteen patients on a hospital ward every day. Exposure to our fears provides us with opportunities to develop coping strategies; in my example, I have a framework in my mind for that initial conversation for introducing myself, and getting the information I need as quickly as possible.

 

It's entirely possible to be shy normally, but still hold yourself together when talking to girls and not becoming overly attached too soon.

[muggiwhplar]

Your "lifestyle" is extremely unrealistic for the average person. Believe it or not, there are actually people out there (shy people) for whom it will never become a case of "Oh, it's all in my head". To them "the game" will never get easier. Whether they've done it once or a hundred times. And i'm still baffled at how you think there's no difference between dating online and offline. Completely dumbfounded. 

 

There's a reason why it's unrealistic for the average person: the average person is unhappy (or just content with a boring life) and terrified of failure and leaving their comfort zone. And it's easier for the average person to just make up excuses and blame the world around them for their problems; rather than accepting responsibility for their own lives. Do you really think I was never terrified of social interaction (regardless of gender)? Do you really think I was born with an abundance mentality? Do you really think I became good at this overnight without ever failing over and over before things started to click?

 

If you want to keep making up excuses for unhappy, unsuccessful people then be my guest. But as always, you don't have the right to whine about something that you have complete control over. It's your life.

[MightyMuddy]

Your "lifestyle" is extremely unrealistic for the average person. Believe it or not, there are actually people out there (shy people) for whom it will never become a case of "Oh, it's all in my head". To them "the game" will never get easier. Whether they've done it once or a hundred times. 

Yeap, this is blatantly wrong. Unless there's something wrong with them.