"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[Noxx]

 

 

Your "lifestyle" is extremely unrealistic for the average person. Believe it or not, there are actually people out there (shy people) for whom it will never become a case of "Oh, it's all in my head". To them "the game" will never get easier. Whether they've done it once or a hundred times. And i'm still baffled at how you think there's no difference between dating online and offline. Completely dumbfounded. 

While I've agreed more on your side over muggi's thus far, surely this argument is counter-intuitive. If a person is shy, surely trying to set up dates in an environment which doesn't have body language and face-to-face communication would be preferable to a "real life" environment where all the normal rules still apply.

 

Furthermore, shyness doesn't equate to "It's all in my head". Shyness is a very mild form of social anxiety. What you're referring to there is over-sensitivity, which can be symptomatic of anxiety but does not indicate shyness itself. People can be timid and composed about a situation at the same time. They're not mutually exclusive.

 

Actually a shy person will probably have more luck in a place filled with people as apposed to setting up an online date. This is only my opinion though. I'll explain why i say that though. 

Being at a social event puts a time limit on things. Limited time to think and react. I think you're more likely to act spontaneously and actually step outside of your comfort zone because of this. There's not too much time to over-think things. The main reason people tend to over-think things is because they have too much time.

If you were to set up a date online with a stranger you have never met face-to-face before you'll have (usually) at least a day to think (over think) about it. Your anxiety will keep growing, and you'll be likely to chicken out.

 

This is largely based on what i've seen from a friend who resorted to online dating. Also a bit of personal experience in the mix. I know a year ago when i tried actively approaching girls it was much easier for me to do so when there were a lot of people around me. Kind of gave me the comfort of knowing that if i mess it up i can slit into the crown and vanish.

 

 

Your "lifestyle" is extremely unrealistic for the average person. Believe it or not, there are actually people out there (shy people) for whom it will never become a case of "Oh, it's all in my head". To them "the game" will never get easier. Whether they've done it once or a hundred times. And i'm still baffled at how you think there's no difference between dating online and offline. Completely dumbfounded. 

 

There's a reason why it's unrealistic for the average person: the average person is unhappy (or just content with a boring life) and terrified of failure and leaving their comfort zone. Do you really think I was never terrified of social interaction (regardless of gender)? Do you really think I was born with an abundance mentality? Do you really think I became good at this overnight without ever failing over and over before things started to click?

 

If you want to keep making up excuses for unhappy, unsuccessful people then be my guest. But as always, you don't have the right to whine about something that you have complete control over. It's your life.

 

 

1. Good thing you edited the post, because you started to come across as slightly butthurt. Haha.

 

2. I don't believe i'm "whining". Rather pointing out the flaws in your theory, or "day to day life" as you put it, for the average person. Perhaps these people are unhappy, but that does not make them unsuccessful. Success applies differently to each person. Having a new hook-up every other night is by no means success in my books. I see that as trying to fill a void, or seeking approval from god knows who. Differences in opinions. Welcome to internet 101.

 

 

 

Your "lifestyle" is extremely unrealistic for the average person. Believe it or not, there are actually people out there (shy people) for whom it will never become a case of "Oh, it's all in my head". To them "the game" will never get easier. Whether they've done it once or a hundred times. 

Yeap, this is blatantly wrong. Unless there's something wrong with them.

 

You're saying there's something wrong with them because they have social anxiety? Or did i misunderstand? 

[muggiwhplar]

 

 

There's a reason why it's unrealistic for the average person: the average person is unhappy (or just content with a boring life) and terrified of failure and leaving their comfort zone. Do you really think I was never terrified of social interaction (regardless of gender)? Do you really think I was born with an abundance mentality? Do you really think I became good at this overnight without ever failing over and over before things started to click?

 

If you want to keep making up excuses for unhappy, unsuccessful people then be my guest. But as always, you don't have the right to whine about something that you have complete control over. It's your life.

 

 

1. Good thing you edited the post, because you started to come across as slightly butthurt. Haha.

 

2. I don't believe i'm "whining". Rather pointing out the flaws in your theory, or "day to day life" as you put it, for the average person. Perhaps these people are unhappy, but that does not make them unsuccessful. Success applies differently to each person. Having a new hook-up every other night is by no means success in my books. I see that as trying to fill a void, or seeking approval from god knows who. Differences in opinions. Welcome to internet 101.

 

Happiness and success are the same thing as far as I'm concerned: http://happysaint.wordpress.com/2013/02/06/are-you-successful/

 

You're still just dodging my argument with personal attacks though. You're saying that even if having one night stands consistently is "bad," not everyone can achieve that. You don't believe it's possible for anyone to be successful. And with an attitude like that, well, you know what's going to happen down the road :P

[Noxx]

 

 

 

There's a reason why it's unrealistic for the average person: the average person is unhappy (or just content with a boring life) and terrified of failure and leaving their comfort zone. Do you really think I was never terrified of social interaction (regardless of gender)? Do you really think I was born with an abundance mentality? Do you really think I became good at this overnight without ever failing over and over before things started to click?

 

If you want to keep making up excuses for unhappy, unsuccessful people then be my guest. But as always, you don't have the right to whine about something that you have complete control over. It's your life.

 

 

1. Good thing you edited the post, because you started to come across as slightly butthurt. Haha.

 

2. I don't believe i'm "whining". Rather pointing out the flaws in your theory, or "day to day life" as you put it, for the average person. Perhaps these people are unhappy, but that does not make them unsuccessful. Success applies differently to each person. Having a new hook-up every other night is by no means success in my books. I see that as trying to fill a void, or seeking approval from god knows who. Differences in opinions. Welcome to internet 101.

 

Happiness and success are the same thing as far as I'm concerned: http://happysaint.wordpress.com/2013/02/06/are-you-successful/

As far as you're concerned. Lot's of people chase success and lose sight of happiness in the process. Workaholics are probably a good example. While they think they're happy, chances are that eventually they'll figure out they're not (i'm not referring to the link, just your statement).

 

 

 

You don't believe it's possible for anyone to be successful. And with an attitude like that, well, you know what's going to happen down the road  :P

 

 

Not 100% sure where you get this from. Are we reading the same posts? Of course anyone can be successful, but because success differs from person to person (and happiness too[or what we believe to be happiness]) everyone's take on this will be different. Not exactly a very difficult concept to grasp :P

 

Also, the argument i'm evading, are you referring to this: ''When you become more experienced I think you'll find that all of those self-conscious examples you provided don't exist in reality either. It's all in your head''?

[Estonian dude]

Some people do have social anxiety and I am quite sure I am one of them.

Noxx is talking good stuff, but you guys can't get too personal in this and stop direct attacks. Don't help your argument.

[muggiwhplar]

If anyone can be successful, then I need you to clarify this: "Believe it or not, there are actually people out there (shy people) for whom it will never become a case of "Oh, it's all in my head". To them "the game" will never get easier. Whether they've done it once or a hundred times."

[Noxx]

If anyone can be successful, then I need you to clarify this: "Believe it or not, there are actually people out there (shy people) for whom it will never become a case of "Oh, it's all in my head". To them "the game" will never get easier. Whether they've done it once or a hundred times."

So...you're saying that people who can't interact socially will never be successful? Because that's what my post refers to - people who are shy, people who have social anxiety, people who don't know how to overcome it.

 

And by "can't interact socially" i mean "believe they can't". 

[muggiwhplar]

No, I'm saying anyone can be successful. You seem to be saying the opposite.

[Noxx]

No, I'm saying anyone can be successful. You seem to be saying the opposite.

Okay i should rephrase that:

 

 

So...you're saying that i believe people who can't interact socially will never be successful?

[MuffinMaddy]

.

 

[muggiwhplar]

 

No, I'm saying anyone can be successful. You seem to be saying the opposite.

Okay i should rephrase that:

 

 

So...you're saying that i believe people who can't interact socially will never be successful?

 

 

Yes, based on the quote I just provided

[Noxx]

Oh then i guess you had a hard time understanding my post. All's forgiven :)

[muggiwhplar]

Then you agree that a shy socially-awkward person can become successful with women if they want to badly enough?

[Noxx]

Then you agree that a shy socially-awkward person can become successful with women if they want to badly enough?

In theory, yes. In reality, no.The reason i say no is because there are people who believe their "problem" is un-fixable, so they'll never attempt to "fix" it.

But now we're talking peaches and pears. because first you're saying success in general (or that is how it seemed), and now you're saying success with women.

[muggiwhplar]

So you agree that everybody can, but not everybody will?

[Noxx]

So you agree that everybody can, but not everybody will?

Yes. That's a better way to put it.

[obfuscator]

You don't have to enjoy social interaction, but being able to do it when necessary is part of becoming a mature adult.

[muggiwhplar]

Ok cool we're on the same page then finally :D

[Noxx]

Yeah, on one thing. Haha. For now we can agree to disagree on Online and Offline dating being the same.

[RpgGamer]

Loveline and dr drew are what got me into being a psych major so many years ago (and IgoddesI)

[Ginger_Warrior]

For those outside of the US: I have a digital radio app on my phone which has Loveline episodes from August ready to play.

 

Truthfully, I miss Goddess. She had a significant impact on my decision to leave med school. It was the biggest decision I've so far had to make in life, and it's not one I regret in the slightest. Her view of life and of people in general really inspired me.

[nine naked men]

i miss goddess cuz i never got to tell her how cool it was that she named her baby thor or w/e. and before the movie even came out that took some serious foresight

[MuffinMaddy]

.

[Noxx]

Halp.

 

Yes everything's going well etc with the guy I like, he takes a year to reply to texts which is really annoying but on the plus side, he has been starting conversations with me after I stopped texting him.

So on some level, he likes talking to me. However, unsure if he's being 100% honest about everything - i have a good memory and some things are a bit inconsistent in what he says and I've heard no mention of us going out this week yet which i'm not bringing up because if he wants to come out with me, he'll do it of his own accord. i've invited him round to mine and it sounds a bit too suggestive lol, so i havent said anything on the matter again.

 

This is not the problem. Somebody else has asked me out after lectures, and I am fairly sure that he's asking me out out simply because the 'let's get to know each other more'

is strange because we've done practical experiments together, and have actually been talking for months before going to uni on a student forum for prospective uni students,

we've been to revision sessions together in the library and sit with each other in lectures. I've also spent an evening with him when we visited a mutual friend so i'd say we're probably past the 'get to know each other' stage...

 

Either way, I have never friendzoned somebody in my life. What do. I don't wanna lie but I don't want to be silly about it and be like 'umm i'm not interested in a relationship sorry' when he might have legit wanted to get to know me.

Well, you won't really know till you find out. The way things are now, you're not committed to anyone. You don't owe anyone your loyalty. If guy number 2 wants to take you out to "get to know you" he might want to do so on a more personal level and not just "we're lab partners" way. It's a lot different getting to know someone when you're on a date with them. You should go for it.

Another bonus is that a lot of guys (probably most guys) like competition. If the first guy sees you out with someone else, or hears about it, or whatever, then it's game on. He's probably going to respond to you more after this. 

[obfuscator]

If a guy asks you out 1 on 1, it's a date. Imo i'd just go, it's just one date, you don't need to commit to anything. And you might have a good time...

[RpgGamer]

I third the motion of going out with guy that asked you maddy. At the moment its completely harmless to go out with him for whatever his intentions are for the aforementioned reasons. If you have to friendzone him, a simple "I'm interested in someone else" works fine. But who knows, maybe you'll end up liking him too.