"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[Tim]

Im probably going into the Central main town of Brissy next weekend to a specific bar I've wanted to try, but my main question is how do I sort of meet new people off the bat? I dont know ANYONE in Brissy besides my room mates so in a way I dont need to worry about being judged in the back of my mind, but since Im wingman-less (thanks Dan) I have to rely on my social skills.......

 

 

...which are barely none atm.

If you're in a pub then just go and talk to people. Don't hit on girls, start by disqualifying yourself and have fun. No girl spends an hour getting ready to go out, hoping no guy will talk to her.

 

The more things you get involved in, the more stuff you have to talk about.

 

Universities are gold. Full of stuff you can sign up for, and full of young women that you can talk to while you're there. I also think I prefer meeting women during the day rather than at night, because it's simplified.

 

And you can actually hear what they're saying. Convosation in some bars/clubs can be pretty hard sometimes.

 

Oh yeah Tim get yuor roommates to get there friends round and have drinks etc, good way to meet some of their friends, and hopefully make them your friends.

 

Did today, they are a bit of pot heads but they're a good bunch of blokes to meet. (Suddenly Ryan appears saying "I want in")

[obfuscator]

 

By these days, yes I mean this present day and age.

 

I "love" all of my close friends and family in the way mentioned in that quote. It's not the "duty" (responsibility) that bothers me, it's the rules imposed upon each other once a relationship forms which hinder my freedom. Asking me to do a favor for you isn't imposing on my freedom. Telling me I'm not allowed to do this, this, and that because you said so imposes on my freedom.

Too me that's more due to the stage of life you're at than your overall philosophy, if you will. I remember feeling the exact same way for quite some time, but as I've gotten older (not that I'm really old) my priorities have slowly started changing.

[muggiwhplar]

 

By these days, yes I mean this present day and age.

 

I "love" all of my close friends and family in the way mentioned in that quote. It's not the "duty" (responsibility) that bothers me, it's the rules imposed upon each other once a relationship forms which hinder my freedom. Asking me to do a favor for you isn't imposing on my freedom. Telling me I'm not allowed to do this, this, and that because you said so imposes on my freedom.

Too me that's more due to the stage of life you're at than your overall philosophy, if you will. I remember feeling the exact same way for quite some time, but as I've gotten older (not that I'm really old) my priorities have slowly started changing.

 

How have your priorities changed? Do you mean you used to highly prioritize happiness/friendships and they are now less of a priority?

[obfuscator]

 

By these days, yes I mean this present day and age.

 

I "love" all of my close friends and family in the way mentioned in that quote. It's not the "duty" (responsibility) that bothers me, it's the rules imposed upon each other once a relationship forms which hinder my freedom. Asking me to do a favor for you isn't imposing on my freedom. Telling me I'm not allowed to do this, this, and that because you said so imposes on my freedom.

Too me that's more due to the stage of life you're at than your overall philosophy, if you will. I remember feeling the exact same way for quite some time, but as I've gotten older (not that I'm really old) my priorities have slowly started changing.

 

How have your priorities changed? Do you mean you used to highly prioritize happiness/friendships and they are now less of a priority?

No, my priorities in terms of what I thought would make me happy changed.

 

I used to think being free of others would make me the happiest, but that's starting to change. I'm still a pretty solitary guy, I'm just starting to find more happiness in relationships despite the negatives they bring.

[Duff]

So, I haven't seen this girl in a few weeks, and haven't been talking to her much via text or anything (trying to get rid of my neediness). And it was going okay, as my last post kinda hinted at.

 

Her and her best friend (who is dating one of my really good friends) came over to swim and my roommates house a few nights ago. So it was me, two other guys, and both of them. And I definitely feel like I relapsed, because it was the first time I've seen her in a bikini, and she looks extremely attractive. And it always feels like my feelings kinda resurface whenever I see her.

 

Of course, I wasn't all over her that night. I forced myself to be reserved and basically was polite to her. I tried to avoid being near her because I would make it awkward. It's like I have this barrier/wall that I want to get past. As long as I'm on one side of it, I'll always feel kinda awkward around her when we're around other people. And I wish I could just break through it so as to not be awkward.

 

Anyway, that was the update.

 

Advice-wise: Her older sister's wedding is coming up next weekend, and I'm kinda nervous because I don't know how much attention I should give her. She is leaving for her college year a few days after that (means I won't be seeing her for a loooooong time). What do you all think?

[Omar]

I think she's leaving anyway, so now's the time to be witty, while remaining respectful. It's good practice. Flirt, but don't look like you're trying to impress her. If possible, talk with other people about as much. She's not a priority.

[RpgGamer]

I feel like you're taking "aloof" to mean "avoid at all costs".

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't see how blatantly paying less attention to a girl is supposed to attract her. Not to say that doing so in some situations will always harm your cause, but i feel like if you're into a girl, you're better off just doing your thing and trying to get her to know you better rather than play this chase game crap

[Iamdan]

I think he is just trying to get over her rather then attract her, but in any case letting her come to you is the way to go. Giving her your attention/approval and then taking it away is the bread and butter of attraction. Many girls have brought up specific times to me where I didn't give them the attention they wanted, from not going to their checkout at the shop or not saying hi when she arrives at the group and told me it worked well.

[Jaimi]

Duff, excuse me if i missing anything before the story you just told but in my opinion: your trying too hard to get her attention by using conventional methods such as pretending you don't care and such. but in my experience, a guy is so much more attractive if they're just themselves and confident in what they do. if you act like you don't care about her, she probably wont care about you (unless she absolutely loves you beforehand). I'm not saying jump and give it all you can, im just saying that if you like her than just go for it when you feel the time is right. there is no trick, its different for each person and its better to do it without regret than regret later if shes leaving for college.

[I_am_Geed]

Olawds time for idk how long of a post.

 

Small recap. Was having the time of my life with this girl I met. Completely knocked my socks off. I had so much fun with her. I began to feel something that I'v never felt before. I may not be totally experienced with serious relationships (only 19) but there were these voices both in the back of my head and deep down teeling me this girl was different. God they were right. She was.

Things, amazing for I dunno.... 9ish months? We have fun in college because we live so close to each other but when we went home for the summer we live 5 hours apart. We made attempts to see each other and went through with them.

 

About mid July I notice something odd begins to happen. She gets jelous of the girls that I work with because one of them will be going to school near me and wants to hang out with me, without my (now ex) girlfriend there because she doesnt want to be the ackward 3rd wheel. I see it as harmless, but by failure and lack of communication on both our sides, small things like that slowly change our moods. She seems to feel distant to me. Theres this new guy shes hanging out with. Insta-warning bells in my head. Now im usually optimistic but I had another little voice in the back of my head tell me "prepare for the worst prepare for the worst" Well worst came a few days later... We had one of those "serious talk" the ones where you know something bad is going to happen. It could have been worse. She told me the truth straight up. She had feelings for this guy (even though she hadnt done anything with him) and that she wanted a break because she felt confused about what she wanted.

 

Im crushed. For many reasons. For one, the way I view relationships is something im not going to get from my age group (I get into serious relationships, because I dont like the idea of dating someone knowing it will end "if your going to say goodbye why bother?" kinda attitude) as im only 19, but its like.... Im happy when im in those kinds of relationships...

 

This was about a month / 3 weeksish ago....

 

She called the other day.. she knows im very hurt because of the way I view relationships and I took it hard because I personally feel like im being betrayed / cheated. I felt like everything i worked for and accomplished she just kinda took and threw aside like it ment nothing. we've had these kinda heart to heart conversations for the past 2 nights over the phone that keep bringing us both to tears. Im jelous that I know shes inevitably and probably going to date this other guy. I know that even though we still care deeply about each other and as she put it "theres a special connection between us" I know what I want wont happen (a relationship) and it hurts to come to terms with it. But most of that I can handle, im a big boy.

 

 

 

 

What I need advice on is this. She said she still wants to be my friend. Her philosophy is that if you cant be friends after a relationship, something went wrong. Im all fine with being her friend (for the time being) but its like ugh. Its going to be hard untill/unless I get over her because when one side wants to be friends and the other side wants more it spells disaster. But its like.... idk. She doesnt want a serious relationship now, she wants to live and go have fun before she settles down and its totally respectable and im fine with that. But the way I work, and the way I operate is I have fun being in a serious relationship like how I was with her. I like the feelings, the ideas that they give.

 

Im obviously not going to have any kind of anything close to a relationship for a long time now, untill I get into that age range where people are looking for serious stuff. Is it worth to stay her friend at the chance that fires re-kindle? I mean its not like im not going to do anything with girls / keep my blinders on sitting around and waiting for her, but the way I feel (which is intensely strong) worth saying "this might be a case of right girl, wrong time" and see what the future hold and have as a possibility that she *may* be the one I end up with?

===========disclaimzorz===========

I cannot tell the future. Neither can you. This is only a possibility. I realize that by the time this comes around we may have grown apart from each other, or visa versa.

=============================

 

Odd note didnt know where to put this but im 19 and shes 22.

 

Help a Hopeless Chivalrous Romantic out? One who believes in the greatness of miracles, luck, and choosing your own path.

[Jaimi]

Well your right, you can't wait forever for her. If she is the right one then you'll find each other again sometime but In my opinion I think you should find someone else. Remember, if two people are still friends after they broke up they were either never in love or still are.

[I_am_Geed]

Yeah. I wasnt planning on sitting around waiting on a hope and a prayer we might get back together.. I'v been though enough but another attempted suicide? No thanks. I guess all I can do is continue on while keeping a "if it happens it happens" in the back of my mind because love is definatly mutually there.

[RpgGamer]

derp

 

 

I've been there, and let me tell you seeing a 'relationship' of that calibur get tossed for something you don't consider as valuable hurts a LOT. But there is good news. Just because you're not in a relationship, doesn't mean feelings cease to exist. She said she wanted a break. That's because she wanted a break. You gotta respect that, and with her taking time away from you, you should likewise take an emotional break from her. I realize it's not a switch you can so easily flip on and off, and it is a bit of a struggle but it happens. Y'know what got me through it? Remember that thought of how their connection could never possibly match the close intimacies of the connection that you had? Well, what if you're correct? At some point in time, if you play your cards right she'll realize that. Soon afterward this thing she's got going on with the new guy is going to be a stupid little story of "oh there was that one guy i dated...". But do you feel like you'll ever end up being just a simple casual breathy sigh and one sentence explanation? For your sake I hope not. It sounds like you had a legit thing with this girl, and if it really lasted 9 months, you're already worth that much more than this new guy could ever hope to be. You know this. The world around you knows this, but obviously your girl doesn't realize it yet. Let her make her mistakes and live out her life, when the time is right, everything will come up "Milhouse" :P

 

It also helps to drink a lot and hook up with random girls, but...I wouldn't encourage that right off the bat like this haha

[I_am_Geed]

Ya made me cry [wagon]..... haha

 

I guyss your philosophy on it was definatly something that will help me through this and definatly an attitude I can base my own feelings off of.

 

The right words for the right time I guess. This girl is worth every shot I can take, but if it doesnt work oh well.

 

But im going to live for the fight while its all that I'v got.

[Noxx]

Many of you might remember the post i made a few weeks back about me and my girlfriend. I took to heart what a lot of you said. And after a lot of thinking, going back and forth, i finally decided on what was best for me and her. It became clear to me that for the past 2 years she has been the cause of most of my stress (directly and indirectly) whether or not either of us wants to admit it. And as selfish as it seems, with my newly chosen career path stress is the last thing i need right now. I came to realise that love is a feeling that should not be altered by anything, no matter how big. I should be able to love her just as much when she's half-way across the world as i would have had she been sitting right next to me. The blunt truth is that i did not get this feeling at all anymore. It led me to think that my relationship with her was based on lust and infatuation, sad as it might sound.

So i tried doing the most honorable thing i could (bearing in mind our circumstances) and i video-called her on skype. For the first time in god know how long we talked about what we really wanted out of life and our relationship with each other. It became quite clear that, pardon the cliche, we wanted much different things. It seemed that there was only one thing i could do. So taking up the role as the bad-guy, like i usually do, i told her that it was over. I feel horrible for ending it like i did, but i just could not go through another year lying to her, and myself for that matter.

I'm sure she already knew it as much as i knew it, but the impact of the worlds still hit pretty hard no matter how well you prepare yourself. I think a part of her hates me because during our two odd years together we have had a few breakups but "love" always had me running back. I think a part of her expects me to do the same thing now. No matter how hard it is, and how badly i want too, i feel that what i did was for the best. I think i need some time alone, to grow and see who i am on an emotional level. And i probably could not have realised that had it not been for the advice given to me by the posters. For that i thank you.

Basically, i just wanted to say many thanks for all the advice you guys gave me. I feel like the right thing was done.

[RpgGamer]

Many of you might remember the post i made a few weeks back about me and my girlfriend. I took to heart what a lot of you said. And after a lot of thinking, going back and forth, i finally decided on what was best for me and her. It became clear to me that for the past 2 years she has been the cause of most of my stress (directly and indirectly) whether or not either of us wants to admit it. And as selfish as it seems, with my newly chosen career path stress is the last thing i need right now. I came to realise that love is a feeling that should not be altered by anything, no matter how big. I should be able to love her just as much when she's half-way across the world as i would have had she been sitting right next to me. The blunt truth is that i did not get this feeling at all anymore. It led me to think that my relationship with her was based on lust and infatuation, sad as it might sound.

So i tried doing the most honorable thing i could (bearing in mind our circumstances) and i video-called her on skype. For the first time in god know how long we talked about what we really wanted out of life and our relationship with each other. It became quite clear that, pardon the cliche, we wanted much different things. It seemed that there was only one thing i could do. So taking up the role as the bad-guy, like i usually do, i told her that it was over. I feel horrible for ending it like i did, but i just could not go through another year lying to her, and myself for that matter.

I'm sure she already knew it as much as i knew it, but the impact of the worlds still hit pretty hard no matter how well you prepare yourself. I think a part of her hates me because during our two odd years together we have had a few breakups but "love" always had me running back. I think a part of her expects me to do the same thing now. No matter how hard it is, and how badly i want too, i feel that what i did was for the best. I think i need some time alone, to grow and see who i am on an emotional level. And i probably could not have realised that had it not been for the advice given to me by the posters. For that i thank you.

Basically, i just wanted to say many thanks for all the advice you guys gave me. I feel like the right thing was done.

 

in a nut shell - [cabbage] happens man. You did the right thing, and you've saved yourself the trouble of wasting time [years by the sound if it] lying to yourself about where your life was going. I can only imagine the impact of that from a skype call, but...that's all you could do, and it had to be done. it's normal to feel a little ishy, but it'll all be better when you progress in your life and know you made the right choices

[Sam]

-post-

 

That must of taken a lot of courage. Props to you, my friend.

[I_am_Geed]

-post-

 

That must of taken a lot of courage. Props to you, my friend.

 

I believe it takes a considerable amount of courage.

 

 

Also, sad news for me today. :(

 

On my facebook news feed my ex is now dating the guy she met and grew attached for. Is it wrong that I want to take time to distance myself because its painful for me? I wont stand for her wanting to keep me in her life while I have to sit there and watch her be happy in someone elses arms. Is this mature/ immature?

 

Am I doing the right thing?

[Orpheus]

I feel like you're taking "aloof" to mean "avoid at all costs".

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't see how blatantly paying less attention to a girl is supposed to attract her. Not to say that doing so in some situations will always harm your cause, but i feel like if you're into a girl, you're better off just doing your thing and trying to get her to know you better rather than play this chase game crap

 

And vice versa. Note to women: Stop playing so goddamn hard to get. We're young adults here, we should have an idea of what we want, so just say it. I'm fine with a little challenge, but don't make my efforts all for naught.

[muggiwhplar]

Women like it men when play hard to get, so it's natural that they think men will like it if they play hard to get.

 

WRONG.

 

Not worth my time jumping through hoops for some girl playing hard to get when I could talk to an equally-attractive girl who's easy to talk to and get along with.

[tripsis]

I don't like it when men play hard to get :P People encourage guys to do that on this thread so if you're going to be doing it, don't complain when you get it back! :P

[Tim]

Women like it men when play hard to get, so it's natural that they think men will like it if they play hard to get.

 

WRONG.

 

Not worth my time jumping through hoops for some girl playing hard to get when I could talk to an equally-attractive girl who's easy to talk to and get along with.

Funny enough, When I was skimming a dating site (doing my own bit of personal research on personalities) there was one chick who said she "loves men who can keep chasing her, as it shows they're committed to her"

 

I just thought "No one's going to waste their time chasing after a chick who's going to keep leading them on where there is plenty of other women out there."

 

My stance is if you're going to keep running circles around a guy expecting him to chase you, your not worth the effort. I had a Ex like that and it was bat-[cabbage] insane to the point where I just said "Make up your mind or piss off, you're not commiting a damn thing"

[aeternitatis]

[hide=My ex-girlfriend (Long)]I used to stress myself out about women. I would worry about being ugly, not having an attractive personality, not knowing what to say, etc. I led myself to believe that I couldn't really pick up girls... I ended up dating a good friend that was basically in love with me for two years prior to dating her. I guess I can say she was my first love. We shared basically everything with each other and spent most of our time with one another. As time passed, hanging out with friends became more and more rare. I didn't mind most of the time because I really liked hanging out with her.

 

A few times, friends of mine invited me to parties and I would practically never go. My girl always thought I was going to cheat on her for absolutely no reason. She claimed I would get too drunk to notice or to care and came up with a bunch of other bull[cabbage] excuses for me not to go. I stayed in a lot more than I went out. We continued dating and being "madly in love" as she would define it at the time. After about a year of dating she started having anxiety attacks which continued to escalate until it came to the point where any sign of stress would cause her to freak out (evaluations, too much homework, etc.) I stuck by her, kept her company at the doctors' office way too many times and basically was there for her whenever it seemed like I could help.

 

The stress / anxiety quickly became depression. She cried on a daily basis for reasons I still don't really know. She told me she wasn't "herself" and needed help. The thought of suicide quickly followed. I must have talked to her on the phone for at least two hours a night when I wasn't with her... I spoke to her parents a lot, her doctor, her siblings and anyone else who could help me out but it never worked out. I couldn't help her. She ended up being prescribed Ativan and some anti-depressants, along with daily vitamins to give her more energy. None of this helped except the Ativan, which she took 2-3 extra pills and was out of it for a few hours.

 

It was at this point that I realized how attached & dependent we were of each other. I felt like I needed her and she felt the same way... She was basically dragging me down with her. One day, while she was high as [bleep], I called up an old friend. I hadn't talked to her since I started dating this girl, mainly due to jealousy reasons, so we caught up. She told me what was going on from her perspective with me and my girl. She told me the usual "You're worth so much more. You need to move on and start living again." It wasn't anything special but it helped me realize a lot of things.

 

I sat down with my girlfriend and talked to her about how I was sick of what was going on and I wasn't taking it anymore. I wasn't leaving her but I was giving her an ultimatum. I wanted her to show some effort. To try. She told me she would "do whatever it takes not to lose me." Things went well for a day or two, but it started back up again soon. I managed to stay calm when she would get pissed. I told myself that she had problems that weren't her fault and all that crap... She showed no effort. She loved the extra attention she got from me and her family. I talked to her again, calmly, and told her nothing had changed. She told me she had been "really trying" but I knew that was bs. Being the idiot that I was, I told her I understood giving her x amount of days was putting a lot of pressure on her and decided to give her one last chance.

 

Obviously nothing changed. I was driving to her place to talk to her and end it when she called me. She said she really needed to talk to me... I was surprised because she wasn't crying or sad, or high on Ativan. When I showed up I sat next to her and she kissed me and said "It's your fault. It's your fault I'm suicidal, it's your fault I've been depressed and it's you that ruined my life." She then told me I needed to change and fix what was wrong with me. I smiled, looked her in the eyes and told her it was over. I told her not to speak to me again. I emptied the bag full of her things on the floor and walked out. She must have called me 200 times in the next few days, texted me constantly and kept calling my house too.

 

After about a week of no calls from her, my phone rang during lunch at school. I picked up but didn't say anything. She told me she was about to OD on her pills... I asked her if she was serious and when she said yeah I hung up. I called 911 and they rushed an ambulance to her house which apparently saved her life. I visited her parents at the hospital to see if she was okay but refused to go see her personally.

 

That was around six months ago and I've been making up for lost time. I've really been working on who I am and where I want to be in life. I'm no longer a shy, confidence-lacking guy anymore. I'm no longer afraid of talking to women or people in general. I've noticed that if you're honest about who you are and who you want to be, and you aren't doing things just to impress people, success (not only with women) comes naturally. I feel as if I've went from a boy to a man almost instantly. [/hide]

 

I had an urge to write.... Props if you actually read it all.

[Omar]

Hey, we should make a compilation of such inspirational posts and put them in the OP.

[aeternitatis]

Good idea. :thumbup: