"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[tripsis]

I'm with Dark_Aura. Call me old fashioned, but I think sex should be with someone you actually love and care about. And the fact that you're letting her cheat on her new boyfriend by having sex with her is just awful. You didn't like it when she cheated on you, did you? Although it does sound like you didn't actually find out they were official until afterwards.. so I'll let you off there unless you do it again :P

[obfuscator]

Besides, you've just stooped to her level - when we said: "get over her" we meant it - period. That means nothing, or else you'll never move on.

[Lenticular_J]

I don't understand this ridiculous, obsessive need with sex. Sure, it's good and all. And it's interesting to talk about, and sometimes it's fun (if rude) to see how long it takes someone to get uncomfortable.

 

Maybe I'm just not sexually aggressive. I haven't been with a girl in months, and it's generally the last thing on my mind. I don't have that much need to get my rocks off or whatever. There's a difference between allowing yourself to enjoy something and forcing yourself to enjoy it so much that you need it.

 

I'm a [bleep]ing weird teenager.

[RpgGamer]

points taken, and ackowledged. And I know you're all right. But I didn't know they were together til afterward. I guess I'm a little stupid. I'm sorry for disheartening you, Dark Aura. I don't think it's right to generalize the whole thread as enraging on behalf of solely my stupidity though. And no, I probably won't be doing it again. Because ultimately, yes I want a new girl. And there's no larger truth stated on this page than saying that I'll never be able to be in another relationship if I keep this kind of behavior up. And I do want a new relationship with another girl. So I will have to cut this kind of crap out.

 

Besides that was the first time I'd so much as talked to her since we graduateed a few weeks ago. Once college classes start picking up, I'll have virtually no time to spare for her and our dead end relationship-like activities. So, while summer will be pretty rough, once the Fall rolls in, that whole chapter of my life will be coming to a conclusion, and then maybe I can find a girl my own age that I'm interested in [other than the aforementioned girl, who I am indeed over]

[Lenin64]

Aaaaaand I'm back where I started. So I tried calling her on Saturday, but it goes to voicemail. No biggie, right? Just leave a message. Not five minutes later I get a text from her saying that she's injured her jaw somehow, she doesn't know how but he's on meds and can't talk on the phone. Well, alright then. It'd always been lurking in the back of my mind, but now I really started to wonder if I'm being put on by someone.Don't really know how, since only two people even know that I'm trying to talk with her, and one didn't know her name until very recently. Seeing as she'd identified herself in that initial text, that leaves either one guy, who is a pretty good friend of mine and I would think not do this, or someone from her side of things. He has had pretty much this happen to him, though, and it turned out not to be a girl but some gay dude. He was not happy.

 

Anyway, I sort of talk to her about it, asking all the "how did it happen? Ooh, that sucks, you alright?" type things, but then when I mention that bowling might be too strenuous if it affects her head and neck as well, she goes silent. Well, alright, I guess she's had enough for now. Maybe I'm coming on too strong. So I decide to switch my game plan. Just talk to her awhile before trying to take her out instead of trying to do both a once. I sent one on Saturday, just a "How are you doing?" around noon, then just "hey" on the advice of my friends later around 9 that night and have heard nothing since. I'm not going to be that guy that tries and texts a whole bunch all the time and seem real clingy and whatnot. Ball's in her court now. She wants to respond, she will. If not, well, I was fine before. I still am.

[Romy]

I need advice on giving advice.

 

There's a friend of mine, let's call him Steven, and his ex, let's call her Jacky (mostly because their personalities remind me of Steven and Jacky from 70's show). So, they've been dating, and Jacky kind of... broke up with him after a month of heatless relations.

At first, he took it a bit too harsh. But after about a day, he just didn't care anymore (atleast that's what he said, and how he acted). There was the usual "Let's stay friends" phrase tossed around, but it's sort of inevitable here- We all belong to the same social circles, nothing can stop them from seeing each other all the time.

At some point, Jacky started seeking his attention all the time. My take on this: Her ego was hurt, because she thought he'd react badly to the whole thing. In other words, she was expecting an ego boost of a clingy reaction, didn't get it, and tried to get his approval.

 

After a while, he decided he wanted to get her back, and consulted me about it. He described just about what he wants, and what I gathered was, that he just felt comfortable being with her, and doesn't necessarily want her, per se.

I told him that, he thought about it, and concluded I'm right, but that he "can't help it". He also said that them hanging out in the same places and with the same friends doesn't make it easier for him.

After a while, because of her attention-seeking behaviour, he started despising her. Oddly enough, he still wants to get back together with her. Both things that he claimed and clarified to me personally.

 

He recently found out she's into him.

For some stupid, stupid reason, he now feels that he should "get back at her" for her behaviour. He wants to play with her feelings, basically.

I feel bad for the poor girl, and would like to stop that.

I tried explaining to him that revenge isn't only dumb on it's own, but that it makes absolutely no sense in that specific case - she didn't do anything that comes even close to worthy of what he's planning.

I tried telling him to just ignore her, or go for some other girl, or best- do both. But he wouldn't listen.

I tried telling him I thought too highly of him, and that I didn't expect anything like that from him- but he foolishly said he'll "make it up to me", followed by some sort of promise... Eh.

 

I think I could reason with him, but I'm not sure how.

 

Some more details-

Neither me nor Jacky like each other too much. Talking to her directly is pretty much not an option.

That guy is usually not that stupid, and is usually a good person. I have no idea what's gotten into him.

I don't want to get more people into this, for different reasons.

Can't think of anything else right now.

[TTanT]

I need advice on giving advice.

 

There's a friend of mine, let's call him Steven, and his ex, let's call her Jacky (mostly because their personalities remind me of Steven and Jacky from 70's show). So, they've been dating, and Jacky kind of... broke up with him after a month of heatless relations.

At first, he took it a bit too harsh. But after about a day, he just didn't care anymore (atleast that's what he said, and how he acted). There was the usual "Let's stay friends" phrase tossed around, but it's sort of inevitable here- We all belong to the same social circles, nothing can stop them from seeing each other all the time.

At some point, Jacky started seeking his attention all the time. My take on this: Here ego was hurt, because she thought he'd react badly to the whole thing. In other words, she was expecting an ego boost of a clingy reaction, didn't get it, and tried to get his approval.

 

After a while, he decided he wanted to get her back, and consulted me about it. He described just about what he wants, and what I gathered was, that he just felt comfortable being with her, and doesn't necessarily want her, per se.

I told him that, he thought about it, and concluded I'm right, but that he "can't help it". He also said that them hanging out in the same places and with the same friends doesn't make it easier for him.

After a while, because of her attention-seeking behaviour, he started despising her. Oddly enough, he still wants to get back together with her. Both things that he claimed and clarified to me personally.

 

He recently found out she's into him.

For some stupid, stupid reason, he now feels that he should "get back at her" for her behaviour. He wants to play with her feelings, basically.

I feel bad for the poor girl, and would like to stop that.

I tried explaining to him that revenge isn't only dumb on it's own, but that it makes absolutely no sense in that specific case - she didn't do anything that comes even close to worthy of what he's planning.

I tried telling him to just ignore her, or go for some other girl, or best- do both. But he wouldn't listen.

I tried telling him I thought too highly of him, and that I never expecting anything like that from him- but he foolishly said he'll "make it up to me", followed by some sort of promise... Eh.

 

I think I could reason with him, but I'm not sure how.

 

Some more details-

Neither me nor Jacky like each other too much. Talking to her directly is pretty much not an option.

That guy is usually not that stupid, and is usually a good person. I have no idea what's gotten into him.

I don't want to get more people into this, for different reasons.

Can't think of anything else right now.

 

Is beating some sense into Steven an option?

[Romy]

How?

[TTanT]

Well, firstly would winning a fight against him even be a possibility?

 

But he seems like he's ready to just screw her over out of spite. Maybe a few bruises would help.

[Romy]

He's some gigantic muscular guy, I'm just a thin girl. What?

[TTanT]

He's some gigantic muscular guy, I'm just a thin girl. What?

:wall: I really have to stop assuming that Tip.iters are male.

[Furah]

He's some gigantic muscular guy, I'm just a thin girl. What?

Knee his groin, or slap him. Preferably slap him next time he mentions anything about getting back at her.

[Romy]

Can we stay away from violence, please?

[obfuscator]

Tell him he's being an idiot. Not much more you can do than that.

[Romy]

Already done that.

 

 

We just talked a few minutes ago. He's still into it, but he's beginning to show signs of... lack of determination?

[RpgGamer]

romy...if you can remember it, break out the story I've been spewing onto this thread for almost 4 years now. If that story isn't enough insentive that he should stay FAR away from this girl...there's no chance of talking sense into him. I live with my crap, but I pray no one has to live the way I do. I've inspired many of my friends to improve themselves from looking at my mistakes, and I do my best to show them how things turn out when [cabbage] hits the fan. I can say it from personal experience...but that's the only contribution I can give.

 

bottom line:

 

my adive for advice giving is relating it to yourself. then putting the situation in perspective. then mix up the roles of all involved so that all perspectives are acknowledged and sympthized for.

[Iamdan]

I assume you appealed to his emotions and morals? To talk a guy out of something, you're better off outlining how pathetic he is, rather than that it's not nice.

[Romy]

I assume you appealed to his emotions and morals? To talk a guy out of something, you're better off outlining how pathetic he is, rather than that it's not nice.

 

Done both, though to a lesser extent.

 

I'll try it in a more aggressive kind of way.

 

 

 

Thanks guys, hopefully that should work.

[RpgGamer]

so...

 

girl's got some issues. ex-anorexic. horrible history with guys. 5'6", 95 - 120 pounds, and convinced she's fat and ugly. She's not too bad looking in reality. is there a way to restore her confidense and self worth without making it seem like I'm coming on to her? I've already stayed up for the past 5 hours talking to her...I don't want to get too involved in this whole thing in the wrong way.

 

Advice?

[Romy]

No such thing as not getting too involved in this, if your plan is to get involved.

 

I've worked and befriended with many anorexic, and "ex"-anorexic girls in the past. "Ex", because it never really heals, when it supposedly does, the ex-anorexics simply don't comply with their minds' needs. But the thoughts - are still there. (Although, it varies from person to person- Some have reduced thoughts, some just have the same thoughts, some have very reduced thoughts, and some have increased thoughts.)

 

Some clarification here: Anorexia usually means a psychological & physical condition. Some have only the physical condition (i.e. underweight), and some only the psychological condition (i.e. "ex-anorexic").

 

If you're going to stay with her, you're probably going to have to deal with a girl that has those thoughts for most of the day, every day. She cannot help it.

 

Lastly: Anorexia (when it's both physical and psychological), is 99% of the time a result of a deep need for attention (along with other things). When someone's seeking for attention as a need, and not a wish, you can understand they've had some very "unpleasant" lives, at the very, very least.

 

 

 

Best of luck, Anorexia is a horrlble illness. You should be very willing to deal with deep psychological problems if you're going to continue seeing her. If you are, it's going to be tough, be prepared.

 

EDIT: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anorexia_nervosa

 

 

EDIT2: By the way, I'm not sure she even really is anorexic (or ex-anorexic), do you know what her history is, even not in detail?

[Iamdan]

Best of luck, Anorexia is a horrlble illness. You should be very willing to deal with deep psychological problems if you're going to continue seeing her. If you are, it's going to be tough, be prepared

 

I can support this from experience.

 

Trust me: You will never be able to 'reason' her out of believing she's fat/ugly. It's something that can only be solved by herself or a professional.

[obfuscator]

RPG, call me a selfish [wagon] but I'd avoid a relationship with someone like that. The undoubtedly low self esteem brings a host of other problems down the road, and while it may be possible for her to eventually get over that, it's likely to be a big mess.

[Romy]

It's not selfish. Most people wouldn't want to deal with these problems, especially when they don't have to. That's understandable IMO.

[Lenticular_J]

so...

 

girl's got some issues. ex-anorexic. horrible history with guys. 5'6", 95 - 120 pounds, and convinced she's fat and ugly. She's not too bad looking in reality. is there a way to restore her confidense and self worth without making it seem like I'm coming on to her? I've already stayed up for the past 5 hours talking to her...I don't want to get too involved in this whole thing in the wrong way.

 

Advice?

You just described the girl I was talking about. Tay. Don't think she's ex-anorexic, but she'd probably do that for attention.

 

I would just leave her alone, since I've had that experience. But it's your life.

[RpgGamer]

Why are the girls around here either repulsive or flippin' mental? >.>

 

I don't have the heart to just leave her hangin'. And yes, within the 6 or so hours I was talking to her, I learned alot about her life. Everything from divorced parents to highly abusive boyfriend. And then some. Theres no doubt in my mindshe actually has all of these issues. Which is a shame, cause she's a really nice person underneath the disorder. I want to help her...I just don't want her to think that my constant presense in her life is my way of hitting on her.