"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[muggiwhplar]

I think the "power dynamic" argument's just a myth... there's no such thing as an equal relationship; every monogamous relationship has a power dynamic to it, regardless of the age range. One person's the leader, the other's the follower. As long as both people enjoy their roles, then there's nothing wrong.

[obfuscator]

The only time a power dynamic is a problem is when it affects a third party due to a conflict of interest, or when it involves someone underage.

[Skull]

That's more or less what my friend said to me as well.  Basically his reasoning on why it wasn't a big deal was that we don't go to school together so I'm not going to be pulling her away from her friends and dramatically affecting her social circles or whatever.  That and that I'm a pretty go with the flow kind of guy who (according to him) would never intentionally try to take advantage of it.  I'm not exactly the type of guy that people really feel the need to impress either, I don't exactly hold any positions of power at all.

[I am the Maria]

I graduated hs in '97...and I still have a hs mentality.

 

Mature ppl are boring af.

[muggiwhplar]

That's more or less what my friend said to me as well. Basically his reasoning on why it wasn't a big deal was that we don't go to school together so I'm not going to be pulling her away from her friends and dramatically affecting her social circles or whatever. That and that I'm a pretty go with the flow kind of guy who (according to him) would never intentionally try to take advantage of it. I'm not exactly the type of guy that people really feel the need to impress either, I don't exactly hold any positions of power at all.

Exactly. When people imagine an older guy dating a younger woman, their knee-jerk reaction is to imagine the woman being naive, stupid, and innocent; whereas the man is conniving and manipulative... as opposed to the older man just being a "normal" older guy who's mature, responsible, and honest.

[RpgGamer]

I'd just like to reiterate that hooking up with an 18 year old is fine. Dating one is weird, but not always an atrocity

[Gang Sabre]

Just found a girlfriend about a week ago... she is super fun. ;)

[Horatio]

I used the word "closure" in my previous post because I thought that would be the end of my interactions with the girl from the dance club. The ball was in her court and I was confident she wouldn't pass it. I wish that were the case.

 

Anyway, to recap, I met a girl in a dance club and we went out last Monday. That was the first time in my life I'd ever been on a date and it went badly.

 

She texted me the following day continuing the conversation where we left off the previous night. This got me really excited because I thought that maybe, just maybe another human being might not find me completely repulsive and unattractive in every way, shape, and form! Haha! We texted back and forth occasionally for a few days and then eventually she invited me to this barbecue thing. This was maybe an hour ago. So I showed up and as we're walking to the main area, she asks how my weekend was. I told her I was sick and that I didn't do anything because, well, that's how my weekend was. Then she says "Oh, my boyfriend's sick! I hope I don't catch anything! LOL!" Then I just kind of smiled and forced a chuckle. I got to the main area and ate a burger and drank a water bottle. Then I left.

 

I bouncing back and forth between angry and sad now. On one hand, why would she invite me when she has a boyfriend? It was a free event, so it's not like she wanted me to pay for it or anything. Like what the [bleep]. That just kind of annoys me. Then on the other hand, it's also kind of my fault for thinking that anything good could have come out of this. I stupidly thought that there might be a sliver of a chance that she was interested in me when she texted me after the bad date when in reality this whole situation is just kind of more proof that I'm a hopeless case.

 

Overall, I wish this whole thing never happened. I feel even worse now than I did before I met this girl. Maybe this is just anecdotal evidence, right? Yeah, 2+ decades of anecdotal evidence that has never actually been inconsistent. "Just put yourself out there and it will just happen! :D" I'm not even mad at any of you for giving me the same stupid advice everyone else does. Maybe I'm just the 1 in 1000000 people that it doesn't work for.

 

Anyway, that's the closure on this story. I feel even worse than when I thought I didn't have a chance because now I know.

[Estonian dude]

At least you did have a first date, and now you did see it wasn't SO bad.

She didn't find you repulsive or anything.

She invited you to this bbq thing aswell.

 

Why do you keep looking for negatives if there are positive sides to this whole interaction?

Trust me, when you get the ball rolling, next ones come easier.

I am actually rather having trouble turning down girls.

[Skull]

She might want to be your friend?  Surprisingly women have value outside of romantic and sexual intentions.  I've never understood the all or nothing mentality some people have when it comes to that.  I'm not going to say that I haven't thought about hooking up with some of my female friends (Hell I've done it a number of times, nothing good has come of it though), but I still appreciate them for the real humans that they are.

 

Got a little tangent-y there, sorry.  What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't necessarily remove someone from your life because they're not romantically interested in you when they may have the potential to be a friend.

 

I'm also not saying that you have to be friends with someone. It's totally okay to approach someone solely with romantic intentions.  It's just unfair to assume they're leading you on or using you if they don't reciprocate but remain friendly.

 

Oh how to make it work in the future, I have no advice.  I've never really done things like go on intentional dates, nor am I particularly successful myself.  I guess maybe the best advice I can give is to take whatever opportunities to meet people come your way and don't be hard on yourself when things don't go well.

[I am the Maria]

Soooo...I've been reading further back in this thread...and it is mainly dudes complaining about their girl problems.

 

Ok, there are two things that girls don't give a [bleep] about:

1)Sex

2)Money

 

Girls don't care about sex. It is boring. There are more interesting things to do, like click obstacles. The only reason chicks will bang you is so that you will leave them alone for a while after that and quit annoying them. It is so boring & pointless & while it is going on girls generally think about more interesting things, like the Newton Rhapson Method.

 

Chicks don't care about your money either. Look at Bill Gates. Rich af & he needs to use some of his money to put a bag over his head. Girls want to go live in a tiny cottage in the woods & dress like pixies & grow blueberries. They don't care about how much money you spent on your stupid car. Unless you ride around on a pink unicorn, girls don't give a [bleep]. They also don't care about your sad ass gp either, especially since dudes suck at nolifing anyway.

[muggiwhplar]

I used the word "closure" in my previous post because I thought that would be the end of my interactions with the girl from the dance club. The ball was in her court and I was confident she wouldn't pass it. I wish that were the case.

 

Anyway, to recap, I met a girl in a dance club and we went out last Monday. That was the first time in my life I'd ever been on a date and it went badly.

 

She texted me the following day continuing the conversation where we left off the previous night. This got me really excited because I thought that maybe, just maybe another human being might not find me completely repulsive and unattractive in every way, shape, and form! Haha! We texted back and forth occasionally for a few days and then eventually she invited me to this barbecue thing. This was maybe an hour ago. So I showed up and as we're walking to the main area, she asks how my weekend was. I told her I was sick and that I didn't do anything because, well, that's how my weekend was. Then she says "Oh, my boyfriend's sick! I hope I don't catch anything! LOL!" Then I just kind of smiled and forced a chuckle. I got to the main area and ate a burger and drank a water bottle. Then I left.

 

I bouncing back and forth between angry and sad now. On one hand, why would she invite me when she has a boyfriend? It was a free event, so it's not like she wanted me to pay for it or anything. Like what the [bleep]. That just kind of annoys me. Then on the other hand, it's also kind of my fault for thinking that anything good could have come out of this. I stupidly thought that there might be a sliver of a chance that she was interested in me when she texted me after the bad date when in reality this whole situation is just kind of more proof that I'm a hopeless case.

 

Overall, I wish this whole thing never happened. I feel even worse now than I did before I met this girl. Maybe this is just anecdotal evidence, right? Yeah, 2+ decades of anecdotal evidence that has never actually been inconsistent. "Just put yourself out there and it will just happen! :D" I'm not even mad at any of you for giving me the same stupid advice everyone else does. Maybe I'm just the 1 in 1000000 people that it doesn't work for.

 

Anyway, that's the closure on this story. I feel even worse than when I thought I didn't have a chance because now I know.

All of your posts subtly imply that you WANT to be a failure at everything just so you can keep coming back here to say, "SEE?! I told you guys I'm a failure! Looks like I'm right!" >_> If that's the case, yeah you'll probably keep getting the same results if you keep trying to sabotage yourself

 

Like I said earlier, right now you need to focus on just learning and getting experience and dealing with failure/rejection, rather than succeeding.

[RpgGamer]

I once openly complained on Facebook about trying to meet girls at college and only being met with "my boyfriend also loves ____" or similar. It's frustrating to say the least, but a female friend of mine from my high school quickly accused me of being disingenuine for only talking to girls with intention to hook up with them, juxtaposed to the girls responding who only wanted to relate to me in some round about way to make a friend. Shocked at myself for being so immature about my goings about - I changed my approach.

 

This lead to dating many a horrible person. But hey, if you want a quality girl; you're gonna have to get rejected by a few first

[muggiwhplar]

I don't think disingenuous is an accurate word for guys like that. They're just being polite... but I think polite men and sexually frustrated men also generally go hand in hand. But that's where all this nonsense about "Oh, 'nice guys' aren't actually nice; they're just [wagon] that want to sleep with you!" comes from. Uh, every guy wants to sleep with you. Some guys are just too ashamed to admit it and they think they can get laid by pretending to be asexual and liking you for your personality, because that's what you claim to want

 

Still, it is kind of funny watching things go from bad to worse with the nice guys. They're too afraid to be direct so they try and be polite, and then women call them [wagon] for being polite yet they still won't sleep with them. They just can't catch a break, can they? :P Fortune favors the bold...

[Estonian dude]

Well, there is somewhat of a middle ground between being a total jerk and being a "nice guy". I mean, I do like to think that I am a nice guy and I do act like one aswell, what with going on walks and being polite af and gentlemanly.

But then again, my last gf did cheat on me.

 

But then AGAIN, it took me just a week back in homeland to find a new one to be invested and interested in. She is shy, as of yet still, but holy [bleep], this thing has potential.

And I am rather having trouble turning down girls, cause I am not a douchebag looking for a hole to fill with my dick.

 

Looks are not everything. They play a part, but I like, or well, require being able to conversate on some even pretty serious topics with someone. I just can't tolerate general lack of interest about what is going on in the world or stupidness.

That doesn't mean I speak on a daily basis. Just that when I feel like I wanna talk serious stuff, I can talk that with girls aswell.

 

But then again, probably I am spoiled by smart and pretty uni girls. I don't think I ever can seriously consider dating/living with someone who hasn't at least succeeded in applying to an uni.

[RpgGamer]

I fear you mistake my comment. My previous disingenuous formalities came from striking up friendly conversations with girls about topics we would have mutual interest in. I would then hope to hook up with these girls. But I would be often met with "boyfriend" this or that. When being more honest with my intentions I scored more dates. But with less quality of girls is my point. If you seek a long lasting relationship, my point is that you must suffer a rejection or two before finding one.

 

Unrelated; I met my buddy's lady friend he met on tinder. Holy shit shes like a 11/10. I was floored. Guess life's doing good things for him haha

[Boris5000]

Fortune favors the bold...

 

This is one of the reasons why this still propagates in English.

[muggiwhplar]

some super hot girl on POF had a screenshot of her POF inbox with 99+ messages on her profile, showcasing how swamped she is with suitors.

 

soooo I took the pic, replaced all the dude pics with pics of girls, and voila now I have a new profile pic showing how "popular" i am! :twisted: interested to see how this affects my results lol

[RpgGamer]

I do wonder what that would do to your success rate

[Estonian dude]

That moment when you hear that a smokin' hot friend of yours had a crush on you at spring and you ended up dating her flatmate who ended up cheating on you.

And now that friend is dating a dude from my most hated organization in the world.

 

In other news, things are going slowly but steadily. Incredibly slowly, but they are moving. And that slowly is partly thanks to me, cause I just don't have free time on evenings...

[RpgGamer]

Take it as a compliment instead of a regret

[muggiwhplar]

So my gay ex-roommate has been having lots of success w/ the dating apps and gay bars. He'll occasionally discover that some of our mutual friends are secretly gay and tell me about it. Anyways, I've also talked on here before about one of my friends who's tried the dating sites on and off for the past couple of years, but hasn't had any dates or results from it because he doesn't want to follow my advice. Well turns out that friend is actually secretly gay! Everything makes so much sense now! LOL.

 

I really hope he ends up as happy and successful with it as my ex-roommate. He really seemed miserable and frustrated with his dating life.

[RpgGamer]

Is your life directed by M. Night shamalamadingdong?

[Tim]

So my gay ex-roommate has been having lots of success w/ the dating apps and gay bars. He'll occasionally discover that some of our mutual friends are secretly gay and tell me about it. Anyways, I've also talked on here before about one of my friends who's tried the dating sites on and off for the past couple of years, but hasn't had any dates or results from it because he doesn't want to follow my advice. Well turns out that friend is actually secretly gay! Everything makes so much sense now! LOL.

 

I really hope he ends up as happy and successful with it as my ex-roommate. He really seemed miserable and frustrated with his dating life.

Honestly It'll be lucky if he finds someone date-worthy. There's a reason gay couples are so rare and rarely last, most of us rely too much on those stupid apps like Grindr so getting laid is quite literally a press of a button. Because of it most guys have a very little attention factor when it comes with spending time with other guys. 

 

A good perspective is to put it like this:

~10% male population is gay, of that a good 7% rely heavily on hook-up apps and cannot commit what-so-ever to a relationship. That leaves you with ~3% of the remaining men to consider, THEN you need to factor in the obvious like sexual attraction, personality, personal traits etc.

 

It's the reason I'm still single where I live, almost every guy here uses Grindr etc so much, no one can commit anymore, and those who don't are usually already in a relationship or are not sexually attractive by my standards what-so-ever.

[muggiwhplar]

Keep in mind, I don't usually consider a relationship a success, but I consider getting laid whenever you want a success :P