Learning to accept myself...

[killerbeer0]

This topic has been bugging me lately, possibly contributing to the depression I've been in and out of for the last couple months (though I am by no means new to depression - I've grappled with it for upwards of 2/3 of my life). I have, in the last year or so, and more in the last few months, began discovering an unsettling part of my sexual identity. Since my early teens I always assumed I was a run-of-the-mill heterosexual male. In many ways I am. But that isn't the whole story; now, I knew I would over time discover things that made my sexual identity unique, however life has thrown me a curveball that has - in my quest to understand it and its implications - thrown me into a subculture that has both reassured me and confused me even more.

 

 

 

I have to admit it:

 

I'm a freak.

 

 

 

It isn't easy to type that, it isn't easy to accept that concept. Grappling with this idea and a host of other issues put me on the brink of suicide last month and my mental state, and how I handled it, came frighteningly close to destroying my family (long story short, I got into a serious physical fight with my father which led to a chain of subsequent bad events that was really only stopped by my father's surprising admittance that he was in the wrong - he was, although I can't particularly recall the preceding events all that well). How do I handle such a mental burden like mine? My core identity has changed greatly and I know I could never tell anyone at the risk of driving them away forever. How can I cope with that? How can I cope with becoming a part of a complex but small minority of sexually unorthodox individuals that I would rather not be a part of (if I had the choice) but that I must participate in if I ever want to talk openly about it?

 

 

 

I fell like I don't really even know myself anymore. I'm not the person I always thought I was, and I feel like I betrayed myself.

 

 

 

What should I do? I can't go on living for the next weekend. I can't go on living for the next strip of my favorite webcomic Misfile (what's sad is that I'm not kidding, that weekend I contemplated suicide I seriously think that my desire to know what was going to happen next kept me going - perhaps I see a bit of my own situation echoed in the plot). I can't continue in life without accepting that this discovery is a part of who I am and figuring out how to live with it. I feel so lost and alone even in situations where this thing is openly accepted and discussed because there are so many ambiguous subcategories for people like me that I don't even know what to call myself, not to mention how I feel everywhere else.

 

 

 

I need advice, I need someone to tell me how to cope with a potentially life-altering and potentially life-shattering (the "closet" for this thing makes the homosexual "closet" seem like a trifle to come out of) change in my sexual identity. Anyone out there who can speak from at least somewhat similar personal experience? I need an answer before I slip into a dependence on destructive coping methods. How can I deal with having (there is no choice) to keep this a secret and the fear of what would happen if my cover was ever blown?

[Zierro]

The sky is still blue, the birds are still chirping, and the sun is still shining. These things will be constant throughout your life. You're focusing on one little aspect of your life instead of the big picture. I guarantee you that you've smiled and laughed before, and it had nothing to do with your orientation. The whole world hasn't changed after you found this out, you will still live a normal life. :)

 

 

 

I suggest writing a list of your favorite things about the world/yourself. Don't hold back anything. Then look over the list and soak it all in. It's common to overlook many of the important things in your life that you take for granted. You just need to remind yourself of them.

[Madmanpur3]

I'd say the better part of 75% of my close friends have considered/attempted suicide, and let me assure you that suicide is rarely the best solution. I say rarely because there are cases where an individual has nobody that cares about them, and has little hope for an improved future due to circumstances, but you don't fall under this category.

 

 

 

One thing that I started doing a while back, and has helped me maintain a positive outlook on life regardless of what's going on in my life, is I will remind myself on a daily basis that no matter how bad my life may get there is always a case where somebody has it worse and that any bad thing is just as much a part of life as all the good.

 

 

 

So tell yourself that you're never going to kill yourself, because it's one of the most selfish things one can do, and that you'll wait for an opportunity to arise that'll allow you to get out of the slump you're in. Also like Zierro said, focus on all the good in life that you've experienced or want to experience, and focus on what makes you happy and strive to achieve that. It could take weeks, it could take months, it could even take years...but in the end it will most definitely be worth it.

[i_love_burritos]

I cant really help with these types of things, but I do give you a reccomendation:

 

 

 

Copy this (your original post) and send to Goddess. She usually knows what to do -- in these kinds of matters.

 

 

 

Her forum name is IGoddessI.

 

 

 

Do it.

[Da_Latios]

You are not a freak.

 

 

 

I used to be like this. Depressed and lonely. But then I started talking to this girl (who is bubbly beyond the most epic proportions) and then I started playing RuneScape (thanks to another girl, who also introduced me to TIF).

 

Basically what I learned is this: What happened, happened and could not have happened any other way, because it happened that way.

 

Try to have a positive outlook on everything. Even things that you would consider being bad things. When someone insults you, shrug it off and walk away with your head held high. Don't let people get to you. This may be hard at first, but it works.

 

Don't get mad. Ever. Don't raise your voice or yell at anyone. Don't cry, don't apologise for anything you're not sorry for. Be honest, always. Lying to someone is lying to yourself.

 

Killing yourself is not the answer. It will not make you an hero. You will not gain any respect in the eyes of your peers. To become stronger, however, is an entirely different matter. You may feel bad right now, but trust me when I say; you have so much of life ahead of you. Whatever is bothering you now will pass, just as everything passes over time.

 

Never screw over a friend. This is my first and most important rule. Undoubtedly, you have friends. You may say that you don't, but you do. There are ALWAYS people who will want to talk to you. Always. Your friends are your most valuable of treasures amongst this rubble. Talk to them, and they will talk to you.

 

You may wish to create your own set of rules to live by. I have eight. Keep to them, and you will have kept to yourself.

[Lenticular_J]

Haha, you don't have to be a freak. Be an eccentric. We're the only ones that make the news ;)

 

 

 

Honestly, how often do you hear: "Average man goes home to average family as is acceptable by society."

 

 

 

No, you hear about the guy that invented the hot-air-balloon home.

[killerbeer0]

Thank you for your responses. I know I need to acknowledge this in a less negative way but it is really difficult to. Da Latios was right, I have friends, but I don't think I'd ever tell real friends at the worry of driving them away.

 

 

 

I like what Lenticular J says too, but unfortunately this isn't rare enough for me to be "eccentric" just "another one of those sickos"...

[das1330]

Statistically around 1 in 20 people are homosexual; in the US alone that makes 15 million people. You are hardly a freak.

[Lenticular_J]

If you feel like getting whatever's really bugging you off of your chest, I recommend telling Goddess. Maybe even Reb. While he can be a [bleep], he knows when people actually need help. And Goddess is sorta like the mother of OT.

[angryjoe]

Did I miss something? Are you just homosexual or is there something more than that?

 

 

 

Just try finding an internet forum with people that are like minded to you and you will be able to talk to about this. You may get some advice on TIF but you are likely to get better advice from people that are similarly orientated to you.

[killerbeer0]

Statistically around 1 in 20 people are homosexual; in the US alone that makes 15 million people. You are hardly a freak.

 

 

 

I'm not homosexual though. I wish it were so simple.

 

 

 

And I have joined such a forum... but it isn't particularly big on emotional support (as far as I can tell) and I can't often access it due to my still living at home and the necessity of keeping it a secret.

[Bauke]

Statistically around 1 in 20 people are homosexual; in the US alone that makes 15 million people. You are hardly a freak.

 

 

 

I'm not homosexual though. I wish it were so simple.

 

 

Bisexual then? Anyways, regardless of what your exact sexual preference is, it is absolutely not related to being a freak. There is nothing wrong with a sexual preference that is something else than being attracted to the opposite sex.

[killerbeer0]

Statistically around 1 in 20 people are homosexual; in the US alone that makes 15 million people. You are hardly a freak.

 

 

 

I'm not homosexual though. I wish it were so simple.

 

 

Bisexual then? Anyways, regardless of what your exact sexual preference is, it is absolutely not related to being a freak. There is nothing wrong with a sexual preference that is something else than being attracted to the opposite sex.

 

 

 

No. I'm straight. Which makes this harder to deal with I think.

[deathdrow]

Statistically around 1 in 20 people are homosexual; in the US alone that makes 15 million people. You are hardly a freak.

 

 

 

I'm not homosexual though. I wish it were so simple.

 

 

Bisexual then? Anyways, regardless of what your exact sexual preference is, it is absolutely not related to being a freak. There is nothing wrong with a sexual preference that is something else than being attracted to the opposite sex.

 

 

 

No. I'm straight. Which makes this harder to deal with I think.

 

You have some sort of a kinky fetish?

 

or is it some animal type thing?

 

just so long as it's not necrophylia.

[killerbeer0]

No. I'm straight. Which makes this harder to deal with I think.

 

You have some sort of a kinky [specialInterest]?

 

or is it some animal type thing?

 

just so long as it's not necrophylia.

 

 

 

Eff it. I'll just up and say it and hope I don't regret this later...

 

 

 

I'm a zoo. Haven't really figured out what subcategory I fall under yet though.

 

 

 

How can I live a normal life with this abnormality hanging over me?

[fastortoise]

My advice would be to tell your parents about it. They may let you live under their roof, clothe you and feed you, but their main responsibility is to emotionally support you. If anybody is going to accept you for who you are, it's them.

 

 

 

You can also open yourself to us. I personally don't judge anyone, especially when it's over the internet.

[killerbeer0]

My advice would be to tell your parents about it.

 

 

 

No way. They wouldn't listen to me much after I said it and they'd draw they're own conclusions and it'd just cause me more trouble.

[Lenticular_J]

What's a zoo? Is that like a furry or something? Or does that mean you're into bestiality?

 

 

 

That isn't that wierd I guess. I mean, you can't exactly marry a zebra or something, but I'm sure there's something you can do.

[killerbeer0]

Sort of, furries are a subgroup... an odd one.

[ElkNight]

What's a zoo? Is that like a furry or something? Or does that mean you're into bestiality?

 

 

 

That isn't that wierd I guess. I mean, you can't exactly marry a zebra or something, but I'm sure there's something you can do.

 

Zoo

 

 

 

Short for zoophile, which means one who has a deep emotional attraction to animals and may prefer them to a human as a companion/sexual partner. Different from bestialists in that they have compassion for the animal.

 

 

 

From urban dictionary. I think thats what hes talking about.

[deathdrow]

No. I'm straight. Which makes this harder to deal with I think.

 

You have some sort of a kinky [specialInterest]?

 

or is it some animal type thing?

 

just so long as it's not necrophylia.

 

 

 

Eff it. I'll just up and say it and hope I don't regret this later...

 

 

 

I'm a zoo. Haven't really figured out what subcategory I fall under yet though.

 

 

 

How can I live a normal life with this abnormality hanging over me?

 

what exactly is a zoo?

[ElkNight]

What's a zoo? Is that like a furry or something? Or does that mean you're into bestiality?

 

 

 

That isn't that wierd I guess. I mean, you can't exactly marry a zebra or something, but I'm sure there's something you can do.

 

Zoo

 

 

 

Short for zoophile, which means one who has a deep emotional attraction to animals and may prefer them to a human as a companion/sexual partner. Different from bestialists in that they have compassion for the animal.

 

 

 

From urban dictionary. I think thats what hes talking about.

 

*Looks at last page*

 

You got ninja'd.

[killerbeer0]

Yeah. Jaerk has pretty much got it. There's some subcategories, I don't yet know where I fit.

[deathdrow]

Yeah. Jaerk has pretty much got it. There's some subcategories, I don't yet know where I fit.

 

well, that's not that wierd, a lot of people love animals, and I'm assuming you don't trust/feel like people could be as nice and as good of a companion to you as animals.

 

even if you were sexually attracted to animals it wouldn't be all that bad.

 

you should talk to goddess, she's really nice, and would be great for you to talk to.

[killerbeer0]

It'd be so much easier if I was just gay...

 

 

 

I notice people on the internet are more tolerant... But in real life zoos are often targets of hate crimes, etc. I don't want to be forever branded as some sicko lumped together in the same category as necros and paedos...