I drop a weight larger and more massive than the sun on the house. You survive because you were out getting groceries. Then you are punched in the face by a ninja, knocking out 27 teeth, rupturing 1 1/2 of your eyeballs, somehow setting your nose on fire, destroying all the nerves in your face, and the shock causes both of your ears to stop working. IN the hospital, despite the fact that none of your senses work anymore because of a failed operation to fix your eyes that ripped out your tongue, you survive. You turn on the radio and discover your horrific allergy to polka music. Your head explodes, killing you. Oddly enough I'm sure you'll post again and kill me or someone else.

You are kidnapped and forced to perform original music for a dragon hipster. It takes you days to write the song, record it, and produce it, often with minimal sleep. You play it for the dragon, and he likes it.

 

Then he roasts you after saying that your song is too mainstream - because now two people have heard it.

A brave knight kills the dragon.

 

Unfortunately it went on a rampage and burned YOU before it was destroyed.

You are almost squished by a rock. But the rock is only 500 grams. Then Gandalf shows up and fries you.

Aragorn challenges you to a battle, and well, you know how that turns out.

Some guy sucker punches you while you're on vacation. The force knocks you off your balcony, where you fall into a transformer and are electrocuted. Ouch.

A psychotic kidnapper ties you up and takes you to the farthest corner of the world. He lets you do nothing but eat until you get fat and die.

You never realized the negatives outcomes that can occur from having a game of paintball in an open air zoo where today's featured attractions just happened to be themed on tigers. It was in the shenanigans that you learned that they are capable of holding a grudge over being hurt either physically or emotionally (a stray ball in this case) and will recognize the wrong-doer. One of these majestic and larger-than-life felines alone was enough to sever you from this Earth, but no. You had to invoke the ire of twenty of these beasts, each one being more than capable of out-running your poorly-conditioned body after years of the typical malnourished dieting habits plaguing the modern developed world.

 

tl;dr: You were just plain boned.

You were in that tiger fight with me.

You decide to play tag and forget you were walking into an abandoned landmine zone. It was painful with one, but each mine launched you within range of setting off each one in succession and sending you flying like a fish around a small radius triggering twenty or so mines. You died after three, but it wasn't enough.

 

At least it's no longer a minefield thanks to your unwilling contribution.

I was going to say that you were on that minefield too, but I felt like doing something unorthodox, so...

 

You decide to move to Japan. Your first day, you go to a shady sushi restaurant. You drink water right out of the tap and are poisoned by an incorrectly cut blowfish. You do NOT manage to survive, but you are brought back to life by a necromancer. You almost die in his minion army, but escape. You then decide to get back on Runescape. A flashback causes you to think you were your old character, despite you have a completely new one. You go into the wilderness and die. You throw a tantrum and die of a heart attack.

You have music in your car so loud that the loudness of the music kills you.

 

Well, actually you were killed by some guy who used his shotgun to shoot you since he hated how loud the music was. Eh, either way you're dead.

The sun itself descends from its point in space to slap you in the face. You, and everything else on Earth, are killed by the heat.

Back in 1674 Americans were working on a nuclear bomb.

 

It took them 339 years to complete it.

 

And now in 2013 the nuclear bomb is used to kill everyone, including me.

And now in 2013 the nuclear bomb is used to kill everyone, including me.

Well that was easy.

Just as you're about to turn into a witch, a truck runs over your soul gem.

You go inside a truck and it eats you.

 

Wait, it already ate you since you went inside of it.

 

Your real reason for dying is never explained.

You decide to go to the grocery store.

 

There were no survivors.

You go into a salad factory and get mixed up in the food, leading to the depowering of 11 super vegans.

You fall into a seasoning vat and end up sprinkled all over the ALG salads.

 

You're delicious together.

Kinky.

 

You get arrested in an adults-only store for no reason and get subjected to police brutality.

You are bombarded by hundreds of large fish.

You re-enact the play for Romeo and Juliet, starring the latter. Unfortunately, someone had to be silly and switch the prop poison for your favorite drink mixed with a lethal dose of arsenic.

You have a heart attack. You are literally attacked by a heart.

Pinched on the nips until dead.