Ignoring works... they say.

[Sly_Wizard]

The practical solution is to kick them in the balls and then run. Maybe even get in a couple of kicks while they're writhing in pain and then run.

[Solidus_77]

It didn't say it worked for me, I said it worked for other people. I was the "bodyguard". Bullies typcilly only have one target which they pick on, if they arn't able to pick on that target, then they quickly lose their appetite for dominance. Once the "bodyguard" is out of the picture, the bully will have grown up.

 

 

 

ha, so this description:

 

 

 

Find someone who is not very socially involved and has strong moral values. A person like this cares much more about keeping someone from being abused than any consqeunces that could come from it, physicial or political.

 

 

 

Was really about yourself. :lol:

 

 

 

No sorry, it's still just not going to work. Staying as a "bodyguard" until the person grows up? That could take years! And still has the two problems I mentioned before. There are other ways to thelp others, like talking the person out of it, or finding out why he keeps abusing him. Violence and deterrence isn't going to work.

[deathdude777]

violence should always only be a last resort, the first thing to do is to ensure that the person knows they are hurting you, most of the time the person is having light-hearted fun, and since many people tell you to laugh at it, the situation usually ampifies. After you make sure the person knows that they are hurting you, give them a week or two before you take action as old habits die hard.

 

 

 

No sorry, it's still just not going to work. Staying as a "bodyguard" until the person grows up? That could take years! And still has the two problems I mentioned before. There are other ways to thelp others, like talking the person out of it, or finding out why he keeps abusing him. Violence and deterrence isn't going to work.

 

 

 

It won't take years, they will quickly adapt to no longer being the alpha-male/female.

 

 

 

 

 

anyways, I believe I have said enough on this thread, and it has shifted more from giving advice to an argument. I believe if we keep posting back and forth, it will escalate nto a flame war.

[IGoddessI]

I'm going to have to disagree with you Solidus about telling somebody. In my own experiences on either end of the scale - I've found the school counsellor a huge help. I was picked on immensely for a couple of years for the simple fact that I was a "square bear". One guy even took it far enough as to swing a cricket bat in to my stomach as I was walking by. He had serious issues, I had never done anything wrong at all other than acing all the classes he was failing at and he wanted to bash me for it! I couldn't hang out with my friends at lunch times because this little psycho would go after me! He even threatened me with a pocket knife! All over what? being semi intelligent!

 

 

 

So I had enough, I walked in to my counsellor's office crying and didn't know what to do. He got me to write down my events and called little Dennis the menace in to his office for some peace making. He would question each of us, got us to speak one at a time and it was very professionally handled.

 

 

 

By the end of the session little psychopath wasn't such a little psychopath anymore. He had broken down in to tears, said his parents didn't care about him and were never around to give him any praise. When teachers praised my work, it set off his own insecurities and he took them out on me.

 

 

 

Dennis the menace and I became really good friends and I wasn't picked on anymore. I was able to point out the good qualities in him (which was what he was missing) and he stuck up for me for the rest of school and no one ever picked on me again.

 

 

 

Someone can have as much 'social power' as they want. But when you get down to the core of their actions, they lose a part of that power and give it to the person you were using it against. This makes you at equal playing field and suddenly you're not so macho after all. You now suddenly have a little weakness shining out of you, just like the person you were picking on. Wow, not so inviting anymore.

 

 

 

For every behaviour, there is a reason and as every behaviour can be learned, it can be unlearned. I've seen it many times on these forums :D

 

 

 

--

 

 

 

Besides that I was a little smart [wagon] and wouldn't put up with it anyway. One guy used to call me "Melissa the pissa". In the most sarcastic tone of voice I'd say something like "wow that's totally original coming from someone with the name John, you're named after a toilet. If I wanted to discuss Dr Seuss rhyming games with you, I wouldn't be sitting in 10th grade right now."

 

 

 

That helped too, pointing out that they were only making themselves look stupid.

 

 

 

(sorry to everyone named John :D )

[INFINTEBAJAN2]

ok at my middle school i was the only one to like soccer in my whole grade.only me and like 7 other guys played so we were dubbed the "soccer nerds" (irony?)

 

 

 

so we challenged them to a basketball match their favorite game. 7 players - 7 players

 

 

 

we beat them twice in a row.

 

 

 

so basically my advice is find something their are good at and beat them at it.then brag about it in their face.if they keep hassling you say "you want to take this to the basketball court?"

 

 

 

this can be done with sports and fighting

[Stilev]

 

EDIT: Or you could be the crazy kid that most people simply avoid or just leave alone because they think you'll blow and shoot up the school.

 

 

 

Whatever floats your boat.

 

 

 

lol we had a couple of those kids at our school

 

 

 

OT: one reason a kid at our school was picked on 'alot' was becasue he was socally awkward pretty much

 

 

 

what worked when i got picked on some was to basicly laugh it off, go along with the joke (depending on what it is of course) can work. That or just have friends, it usually the one with just a couple friends that get picked on, if you dont have alot try joining a sport like track or cross country where you wouldn't run into them, and you can meet some new friends

[Solidus_77]

It won't take years, they will quickly adapt to no longer being the alpha-male/female.

 

 

 

Only when you are around. I've already explained why resorting to violence is a bad idea even if the they are doing it with intent to harm someone.

 

 

 

I'm going to have to disagree with you Solidus about telling somebody. In my own experiences on either end of the scale - I've found the school counsellor a huge help. I was picked on immensely for a couple of years for the simple fact that I was a "square bear". One guy even took it far enough as to swing a cricket bat in to my stomach as I was walking by. He had serious issues, I had never done anything wrong at all other than acing all the classes he was failing at and he wanted to bash me for it! I couldn't hang out with my friends at lunch times because this little psycho would go after me! He even threatened me with a pocket knife! All over what? being semi intelligent!

 

 

 

So I had enough, I walked in to my counsellor's office crying and didn't know what to do. He got me to write down my events and called little Dennis the menace in to his office for some peace making. He would question each of us, got us to speak one at a time and it was very professionally handled.

 

 

 

By the end of the session little psychopath wasn't such a little psychopath anymore. He had broken down in to tears, said his parents didn't care about him and were never around to give him any praise. When teachers praised my work, it set off his own insecurities and he took them out on me.

 

 

 

Dennis the menace and I became really good friends and I wasn't picked on anymore. I was able to point out the good qualities in him (which was what he was missing) and he stuck up for me for the rest of school and no one ever picked on me again.

 

 

 

Wow! Honestly that's the first time that solution has actually worked. I tried that approach after being harrassed by two guys all evening whilst out at a school trip. They just would not stop with the insults (just after I thought that everything was going well too). I remembered how the teachers told me that if I was ever in this situation I should tell someone about it. So then I did. First thing in the morning I told the councelor about it and they had a talk with these two kids (which basically ended in them saying they weren't serious about it, acting sorry that it happened). That lasted for about 1 hour, then they were at it again, and this time I had half the kids there comming up to me asking why I told on him. The rest of the trip was very bitter. Nobody would talk to me, nobody would even want to be around me. Everyone (even my friends) felt betrayed and dissapointed that I told someone. I felt rejected by the whole group after that. Worst decision ever. Oh well, at least the trip ended well when most of us had some fun during the last evening sneaking out (originally they had planned on excluding me from it but I was thankfully able to convince them). It did work, for a bit of time after that the guys left me alone but I did pay a huge price for it, and they were still as bitter to me as ever (just not aggressive). Eventually as time passed we got over these things and I met one of the guys again just recently who was actually glad to see me. But that change occured over time, as I gained a better understanding of social interactions. Talking to the teachers about my situation did NOT help. I should have ignored him.

 

 

 

That's why I was so strongly against telling the adults. However my situation was different and I can see how it was justified for you (and isn't it awesome how bullies can eventually become friends?). Perhaps the rule should be "only tell the teachers if you're in physical danger" Since yours was pretty extreme. What do you think?

 

 

 

so basically my advice is find something their are good at and beat them at it.

 

 

 

You're lucky you happened to get people who fight fair. I tried to prove myself to people who harrassed me before by using my skills in a particular field. They simply refused to acknowlege my skills, even though they knew they could do no better. Refused my challenges over trivial details (tried to provoke them into agreeing but that didn't work as they had everyone on their side). And once I made a slight slip-up or performed slightly less than perfectly, they would use it to make fun of me completely. That's why, if they want to make fun of you, they will make fun of you reguardless of circumstances.

 

 

 

what worked when i got picked on some was to basicly laugh it off, go along with the joke (depending on what it is of course) can work. That or just have friends, it usually the one with just a couple friends that get picked on, if you dont have alot try joining a sport like track or cross country where you wouldn't run into them, and you can meet some new friends

 

 

 

I agree, this not only helps reverse the situation but can help prevent missunderstandings (like if a guy makes a joke and the other guy gets defensive about it over nothing when the first guy only ment it as a joke).

[dusqi]

There's probably a point to make about the difference between ignoring from weakness, and ignoring from strength. If you feel like you're making a conscious choice to ignore someone because you're above the situation, then that's ignoring from strength. If you feel like you're ignoring them because there's nothing else you can do, but it's actually getting you riled up, then that's ignoring from weakness - and bullies love that because they feel dominant and powerful. The difference between the two is really just down to self-confidence and self-esteem.

 

 

 

My practical advice:

 

 

 

- I like the ideas of talking to someone higher up than the teacher (head of year or headteacher - nothing says "I am serious" better than this), and talking to an older friend/brother/sister if you have one. You do have to watch out for reputational effects that might happen if teachers try to intervene badly, so you could start by just asking them to make a serious effort to watch out for bullying for a few weeks, so that they can formulate a good strategy for tackling it. Most students have teachers that they "respect" more than others - in many schools this is physical education teachers. One strategy could be to get the headteacher to ask the respected teacher to talk to the bully in private. Then the bully is more likely to listen.

 

 

 

- Try to be open to friendships with other people also, don't end up hating everyone in school just because of a bully. Although you might think that everyone thinks you're a loser, most kids probably don't notice that you get picked on and even more don't care - they just want nice friends.

 

 

 

- If the bullying is leading to more general self-esteem issues (where you start to think that someone bullying you reflects badly on your character and not just badly on the bully), then firstly you should remind yourself that it shouldn't, and secondly you should consider what you could change to make yourself feel better. That could be learning a martial art - but learn it in order that you feel self-confident, not to actually fight people with (but rather on the basis of "if I wanted to, I could fight him and win"). Really though, it can be anything that makes you feel good about yourself - it's hard to worry about a bully if all you're thinking about is programming a cool computer game, or playing a musical instrument. Related to this second point, is that if you're having trouble finding friends at school, you should consider other places to find friends - such as out-of-school activities. This type of fall-back is great because it reminds you that not "everyone" wants to bully you, and so it gives you that self-confidence to ignore bullies from strength.

 

 

 

- It gets better over time! I noticed the difference dramatically after highschool, when you start properly mixing with people that aren't all disgustingly immature.

[ember3579]

Honestly, your reaction should depend on the situation. If the person's not trying to be mean, then talking to them should help. If the person's just verbally harassing you, act as if it were a game of "Yo Momma" or just ignore it. If it turns physical, you can either tell the proper authorities, tell your friends, or keep in mind that self defense is legal. It is VERY rare that telling a random school person would actually help, and it usually just aggravates the situation or makes a new one, like Solidus' example. Really, the only way that you can get someone whose persistent like most are is to either give them some of their own medicine, scare the Hell out of them (there's various ways to do that, some of which aren't exactly legal), or to just utterly beat the piss out of them and their friends on your own. There isn't very much that can be done by other people. I know from personal experience.

[Skull]

I had some problems with bullies awhile back, and I ended up taking a years worth of crap before doing anything. Depending on the person after you, ignoring can be very effective or compleatly useless. If ignoring hasn't worked a good thing to do is surround yourself with alot of guys who aren't going to stand up to anyone giving you trouble, even if it means they get beat up or picked on themselves. Usually sheer numbers will push a bully away.

 

 

 

If all else fails you could try doing what I ended up doing, I roundhouse kicked the guy in the chest and he never bothered me again. Another thing would be to do what a friend of mine said he did. He's in a martial arts classes (I think he's been a black belt for awhile now) and he ended up smashing I think it was a cinder block with his forehead while the person giving him a hard time was nearby. Needless to say he didn't have any problems after that.

 

 

 

Good luck and try not to let it bother you if you can.

[cheese666me]

If you can't beat them, join them

 

If you cant join them, try beating them harder

[IGoddessI]

That's why I was so strongly against telling the adults. However my situation was different and I can see how it was justified for you (and isn't it awesome how bullies can eventually become friends?). Perhaps the rule should be "only tell the teachers if you're in physical danger" Since yours was pretty extreme. What do you think?

 

 

 

Of course, I'm not agreeing it will work in every case, that would just be silly :D I'm just trying to rule it out of the "no go zone" for everybody.

 

 

 

The first time I actually ever talked to a counsellor gave me horrible results. I had a relationship problem with my first serious boyfriend and the advice he gave me totally ruined our relationship. I hated him with a passion!

 

 

 

I guess what it really comes down to is the experience/qualifications of the counsellor, the bully and yourself as individuals. Asking someone to stop something, without finding out why they do it is pretty silly.

 

 

 

If it's just name calling, I'm all up for growing some balls (if you're a "nerd" it's quite easy to outwit your bully to your advantage.)

 

 

 

Like Brent was putting on a French accent and making fun of me just before... So I did the same and said "Yoplait... It's French for your mum" (If you've seen the French yogurt commercial.) We both laughed and stopped the bullying even though it wasn't serious.

[Tim]

In my experiences no, ignoring does notwork. In the end all it will do is piss off your harassers to the point where they will tease/bully you even more.

 

 

 

 

 

Trust me, being put under mental or emotional strain because someone feels like hating on you is no fun at all.

 

 

 

.

 

i'll say. years late i have social anxiety :|

 

 

 

recently last year, constantly being picked on, and im in yr12 now so its pathetic they kept going this far, ignored them for so long they decided to throw cut orange at my head. 5 minutes later that guy was on the ground with a broken arm, leg and a busted face. and thats what happens when you hold all your anger in over 5 years. :lol:

 

 

 

my advice is to take up a martial arts sport. not for the point of fighting but it makes you feel better both mentally and physically. at the moment im hunting down a kendo training centre in my area because im facinated with weapons training and the actual art or it. and a parkour group near me. :

[IGoddessI]

i'll say. years late i have social anxiety

 

 

 

^^

 

 

 

Here's some really really good activities/information if you're interested:

 

 

 

cci.health.wa.gov.au

 

 

 

Coming from somebody who had to overcome social anxiety herself... Some of the activities that helped came from the website above.

[baalboy5]

i'll say. years late i have social anxiety

 

 

 

^^

 

 

 

Here's some really really good activities/information if you're interested:

 

 

 

cci.health.wa.gov.au

 

 

 

Coming from somebody who had to overcome social anxiety herself... Some of the activities that helped came from the website above.

 

What did you do to overcome it? I got it too but only around strangers.

[IGoddessI]

What did you do to overcome it? I got it too but only around strangers.

 

 

 

You'll have to click on the website and find the activity section ;) It's better if you read through it and weed out what does and doesn't work for you.

[Sbrideau]

Well, I have been bullied most of the years I have been in school (and for those asking, it was because we were moving often, father in the military). I don't know why they always picked me though.

 

 

 

The solution will depend on the bully, sometimes, Ignoring is very effective, but you have to go through the cycle of having them bully harder and harder before getting tired of not having any reaction at all from you.

 

 

 

On other bullies, you can laugh the insults out, and it will annoy them, since the reaction they want is your anger. Heck, with that I even sometimes turned their own insult against them. Not having the reaction they want will make them stop.

 

 

 

As for Goddess's solution, on rare occasions it can work, but it really has to be the right guy at the right time.

 

 

 

Fights, never get into them, this is the worst thing you can do.

 

 

 

Try to find other solutions, and if you still get worse, last resort is to go to the police. The very last resort is a restraining order (which I actually almost went for on one bully that was physicaly abusing me, and he promised me to stop if I canceled having one against him). Beware, those last resorsts can have consequences on your reputation. I consider myself lucky it didn't affect it at all.

 

 

 

My word on this, patience. If nothing works, know that this will get no further than graduation day, most of them bully to showoff to other students, and they often stay at school for longer than you, failing and failing. You also have to tell yourself that one day you will be their boss at work. As soon as you enter college, you'll see that is very different, I was myself surprised about that, since I was so used to be bullied in educational places.

 

 

 

I think I have more to say, but I can't remember -.-

 

 

 

As for social anxiety, I think I still have some.

[Riku3220]

what could they be saying to you that could hurt so much that you can't ignore it? "Sticks and stone can break my bones but words can never hurt me" is true, words CANT hurt you and unless they are actually punching you then your only option is to ignore it because nothing they can say to you is that bad.

 

 

 

and whats with all you people saying "telling the teacher breaks down your social status"? i for one couldn't care less what people in school think of me, maybe thats why bullies don't get to me because frankly i dont give a flying [cabbage] about what they say about me or my mother, and you really shouldn't either

[IGoddessI]

As for Goddess's solution, on rare occasions it can work, but it really has to be the right guy at the right time.

 

 

 

I never said it was my solution lol I was debunking the theory that it shouldn't be an option for anybody. You're just paraphrasing what I've already said... That it occasionally works but depends on the party involved.

 

 

 

@ Riku - That was pretty much my attitude. I didn't care what my social ranking was, and to be frank unless it was physical I ended up getting the best of them anyway. Most bullies I came across weren't the brightest stars in the sky.

[Solidus_77]

Of course, I'm not agreeing it will work in every case, that would just be silly I'm just trying to rule it out of the "no go zone" for everybody.

 

 

 

Well you've sufficiently convinced me. It can work in the correct circumstances.

 

 

 

If it's just name calling, I'm all up for growing some balls

 

 

 

That's all it was, really. Although it had a greater impact on me because it felt like the same problem over and over again. Despite what the adults adviced (and they say that even during verbal abuse you should see them), I shouldn't have gone to them for help. I should have ignored it, laughed about it, not been insecure about it. Basically not attempted to counter it which brought about my undoing.

 

 

 

i'll say. years late i have social anxiety

 

 

 

^^

 

 

 

Here's some really really good activities/information if you're interested:

 

 

 

cci.health.wa.gov.au

 

 

 

Coming from somebody who had to overcome social anxiety herself... Some of the activities that helped came from the website above.

 

What did you do to overcome it? I got it too but only around strangers.

 

 

 

Coming from someone who also had to overcome social anxiety I can say that strangers are generally the hardest. It really depends on the situation (if you're approaching them with a social justification like asking for directions), the location (if you are comfortable in the environment, like it's easier for me in a club than on the street) and how the person acts (if the person is interacting with strangers it's easier). Use these factors to your advantage. Find situations, environments in which you feel comfortable or even watch how the person acts in order to approach them.

 

 

 

I can't quite describe how I got over social anxiety, but I can say that it all boils down to a willingness to learn. If you are determined enough, you'll find the right tools and you'll make it happen. Oh yeah, and a lot of help and encouragement from friends.

 

 

 

and whats with all you people saying "telling the teacher breaks down your social status"? i for one couldn't care less what people in school think of me, maybe thats why bullies don't get to me because frankly i dont give a flying [cabbage] about what they say about me or my mother, and you really shouldn't either

 

 

 

It's not simply losing your social status which is at stake. Given the right environment, you could be pretty much socially excluded by everyone and since you've never had bullies get to you, can you really know how that feels? See? The real problem is not social status, it's having everyone exclude you.

 

 

 

Now, "I don't care what people tell me" is one thing, and not only is it something I am in favor of, but it prevents you from getting involved with bullies in the first place. But "I don't care if every person in my social environment is against me" is something entirely different, and from my experience that attitude gets you nowhere. Having the entire social environment against you is never a good thing.

[Stilev]

i'll say. years late i have social anxiety

 

 

 

^^

 

 

 

Here's some really really good activities/information if you're interested:

 

 

 

cci.health.wa.gov.au

 

 

 

Coming from somebody who had to overcome social anxiety herself... Some of the activities that helped came from the website above.

 

What did you do to overcome it? I got it too but only around strangers.

 

 

 

i got over mine by just being loud lol, not yelling, but ya know being silly loud like if im confused im just like "ahhhh *wave arms like im sick and moan* nicole...help me :( " just silly things like that

 

 

 

wear a smile when talking to people and whats the worst they can do

[Riku3220]

but whos going to exclude you? the people who you already dont talk to? if your friends were actually friends they wouldn't exclude you from whatever it is you do and out of the 700 people in my school i'd choose to be with my 5 friends.

[Stilev]

but whos going to exclude you? the people who you already dont talk to? if your friends were actually friends they wouldn't exclude you from whatever it is you do and out of the 700 people in my school i'd choose to be with my 5 friends.

 

 

 

not everyone has those 5 friends :(

[Solidus_77]

but whos going to exclude you? the people who you already dont talk to? if your friends were actually friends they wouldn't exclude you from whatever it is you do and out of the 700 people in my school i'd choose to be with my 5 friends.

 

 

 

Anyone who's willing to side with the bully. In this case, there were only two friends who were truely on my side. One of which who didn't want to speak out for fear of being excluded (and don't you dare say he's not worthy of being my friend! He's helped me in many ways), the other was dissapointed in how I resorted to telling the teacher. EVERYONE ELSE was against me on this one, people who I considered "new friends" who were friendly before but never wanted to be around me after, people who previously I didn't have any contact with, and people who were already against me. It's depressing isn't it? Having people who rarely talk to suddenly act cold and distant towards you. Any activity that involves social interaction you suddenly feel left out of.

 

 

 

It didn't last long for many (thankfully) but it was still damn painfull, lonely etc... Obviously you NEVER want to be in the situation I was in.

[Riku3220]

but whos going to exclude you? the people who you already dont talk to? if your friends were actually friends they wouldn't exclude you from whatever it is you do and out of the 700 people in my school i'd choose to be with my 5 friends.

 

 

 

Anyone who's willing to side with the bully. In this case, there were only two friends who were truely on my side. One of which who didn't want to speak out for fear of being excluded (and don't you dare say he's not worthy of being my friend! He's helped me in many ways), the other was dissapointed in how I resorted to telling the teacher. EVERYONE ELSE was against me on this one, people who I considered "new friends" who were friendly before but never wanted to be around me after, people who previously I didn't have any contact with, and people who were already against me. It's depressing isn't it? Having people who rarely talk to suddenly act cold and distant towards you. Any activity that involves social interaction you suddenly feel left out of.

 

 

 

It didn't last long for many (thankfully) but it was still damn painfull, lonely etc... Obviously you NEVER want to be in the situation I was in.

 

 

 

 

 

but look the people who aren't talking to you, either never talked to you before, or rarely talked to you ever. what difference does it make if the people you barely talk to you stop talking to you? like i said, if someone ignores you for getting someone off your back in anyway possible, screw them there's no way in hell im ditching my friend because he told the counsler someone was throwing insults about his dead father.

 

 

 

and you think your situation is bad? ever heard of the "Little Rock Nine"? the nine black students who were integrated into an all-white school? they were blocked by armed national guard troops and the federal troops had to be sent in to escort them into school.