"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[muggiwhplar]

I don't think I said anywhere that we should never try to resist our biological impulses.

 

In some circumstances, it's usually good to resist our biology-- like when we resist eating junk food. Other times, it's not a good idea-- like when you have to go to the bathroom.

 

As far as urges like sex with strangers go, I'm saying the natural urge you get-- whether you act on it or not-- is going to make you suffer in modern society if you're in a closed relationship when you experience the urge since you lose no matter how you choose to behave.

[muggiwhplar]

All you need to know about my personal stance is that the idea of me personally having sex with someone I do not know exceptionally well, is...well, its not going to happen. It is difficult for me to engage in intimacy even with people I do know well, and I don't think I could ever want something enough to get past that so quickly. I'd say this is a case of nature for me, since my sibling is almost the polar opposite of me in this regard. Either way, I don't think flings will ever be in the cards. I will either be monogamous, or I will some day have a full blown affair and hate myself until the day I die.

 

(You're a girl, if I recall correctly?)

 

I think it's important for you to realize that you're saying this now while you're in unemotional logic-mode. If you crossed paths with the man of your dreams and he triggered all kinds of emotion/arousal in you, you'd think differently in the heat of the moment when he's with you.

 

It's like how everybody says "I would never do this, this, and that!" or "I know better than to do this, this, and that!" But then, in the heat of the moment when their emotions are running high, they do things they claim to not ordinarily do. That's one way that people usually cheat.

 

Here's a fun experiment that I just made up for you to get a taste of what I'm talking about:

If you're a member, get on RS and go to the duel arena. Make a list of logical, personal rules for you to follow. For example, "I will never double anybody's stake"; or "I will never stake somebody with higher stats than me"

Then go stake and see how quickly you feel the urge to start breaking your own rules.

 

If you lose a stake, you'll want that money back and feel the urge to break your rules.

If you win a stake, you'll want more money and feel the urge to break your rules.

If nobody wants to stake you, you'll get bored and feel the urge to break your rules just to stop the boredom.

 

Like I said earlier-- we're emotional creatures capable of reasoning. Not the other way around.

 

Considering how vulnerable our young are, and how long they take to stop being so helpless, I believe that it would have been to our species advantage for a male to only take on a single female and child at a time. While there would be certain benefit to having the dominants inseminate as many choice females as possible, I think this would be too much for a single hunter to support (and keep in mind, our diet used to be upwards of 90% meat). Also, since humans are a species that commits rape, and seeing that or genetic forberers who are still around on this planet show similar behavior in that regard, this has probably been a problem for a long time. It would be easier to defend only a single female at a time. And open relationship would have served no purpose, since without contraception, we would be either responsible for the offspring, or we would have abandoned them, which goes against our more basic nature (our young are so helpless that were we predisposed to abandonment, we would be extinct).

 

Accepting that the premise of the article was true in that males are naturally inclined to seeking sexual encounters with other females as the years go on, I would have to say that serial monogamy probably was the most natural form of relationship for us. This would allow us to father two or three children before we died hunting, by different mothers to get a bit of extra diversity.

 

I think that for males it was just a numbers game. Mate with hundreds of girls per year, then find out later what your "return on investment" is. Since women get pregnant and can't fend for themselves, they were serial monogamists. Either way-- their "devotion" to one man ended after a few years and they'd move on to another. They wouldn't remain with one man for the rest of their lives.

 

Also, we're omnivores/hunter-gatherers. Men hunted, women gathered. I don't think we ate 90% meat-- I'm sure it was much, much less than that.

 

If you want to look at what might be natural since we developed things like speech, you would need to find a species that is also capable of love, and communication, the more sophisticated the better. Love is pretty tricky to define in another species, but there is one species in particular that naturally has an exceptional complex communication system, as well as exhibiting the very human behavior of playing (at all ages rather than just the species' children): Dolphins. I figure they are probably one of the best matches for our intimate social lives that you are going to find in another species (chimps are probably a good shot too, with lots of human like behaviors, though their communication is more primitive)

 

Dolphins aren't monogamous and they have sex for pleasure... just like humans! :P

[tripsis]

Okay you honestly really can't tell someone how they will react in a situation. You can't say with confidence that every single person would immediately want to have sex with a man that they find attractive. People are different. Some people are extremely reserved and generally not big on intimacy. Some people just don't have high sex drives and they would also be less prone to these erotic/sexual "z0mg must jump your bones" emotions.

 

Your duel arena example doesn't work at all because it assumes that someone is at the duel arena in the first place. If someone is there (especially regularly), odds are they already have a bit of a problem with gambling or they like the risk. So any rules they make there, sure they're bound to break sooner or later. In order for the comparison to work with sex, you'd have to ONLY be looking at people who are already highly intimate or sexual (and that doesn't seem to be the case with Randox). Otherwise your duel arena example would have to also apply to people who almost get dragged to the duel arena against their will.. and IMO if that's the case, they're probably going to follow their rules because they're not all that interested in it in the first place and they'll probably only duel once or twice.

[Tim]

 

I think it's important for you to realize that you're saying this now while you're in unemotional logic-mode. If you crossed paths with the man of your dreams and he triggered all kinds of emotion/arousal in you, you'd think differently in the heat of the moment when he's with you.

 

It's like how everybody says "I would never do this, this, and that!" or "I know better than to do this, this, and that!" But then, in the heat of the moment when their emotions are running high, they do things they claim to not ordinarily do. That's one way that people usually cheat.

 

 

I'm not going to dabble in this convo too much, but this part here especially is a bit of a flag. 90% of the women I know as "friends" (If I can call them that anymore) have no self control anymore, the second they get into that sexual high, they don't give a damn about anyone and everyone they could potentially hurt, they just turn into an instant [bleep] and bam, changed.

 

Probably one of the biggest reasons why I'm single for so long, is most girls I've met, turned into this with a HUGE cheating history, and as much as I hate being single, and as much as I hate not having sex at 21 BECAUSE IT'S WHO I AM, I'm not even remotely getting involved with a [bleep]. who knows who they've slept with.

 

Anyway I'm done with my ramble of incoherent stuff.

[muggiwhplar]

Okay you honestly really can't tell someone how they will react in a situation. You can't say with confidence that every single person would immediately want to have sex with a man that they find attractive. People are different. Some people are extremely reserved and generally not big on intimacy. Some people just don't have high sex drives and they would also be less prone to these erotic/sexual "z0mg must jump your bones" emotions.

 

Your duel arena example doesn't work at all because it assumes that someone is at the duel arena in the first place. If someone is there (especially regularly), odds are they already have a bit of a problem with gambling or they like the risk. So any rules they make there, sure they're bound to break sooner or later. In order for the comparison to work with sex, you'd have to ONLY be looking at people who are already highly intimate or sexual (and that doesn't seem to be the case with Randox). Otherwise your duel arena example would have to also apply to people who almost get dragged to the duel arena against their will.. and IMO if that's the case, they're probably going to follow their rules because they're not all that interested in it in the first place and they'll probably only duel once or twice.

 

Yes, the duel arena example was technically comparing apples to oranges; I only mentioned it because it was the first personal example that came to mind of experiencing what I was discussing-- which is that people do things they wouldn't normally do if their emotions are strong enough.

 

I never said Randox would sleep with him the same day she met him (though it's a possibility). I just said she'd think differently than the way she's thinking now.

 

Whether or not she'd actually sleep with him is also a matter of her own self-regulation. Some people have higher self-regulation, some people have lower. But self-regulation is a finite resource and it can be depleted gradually over time.

[muggiwhplar]

 

I think it's important for you to realize that you're saying this now while you're in unemotional logic-mode. If you crossed paths with the man of your dreams and he triggered all kinds of emotion/arousal in you, you'd think differently in the heat of the moment when he's with you.

 

It's like how everybody says "I would never do this, this, and that!" or "I know better than to do this, this, and that!" But then, in the heat of the moment when their emotions are running high, they do things they claim to not ordinarily do. That's one way that people usually cheat.

 

 

I'm not going to dabble in this convo too much, but this part here especially is a bit of a flag. 90% of the women I know as "friends" (If I can call them that anymore) have no self control anymore, the second they get into that sexual high, they don't give a damn about anyone and everyone they could potentially hurt, they just turn into an instant [bleep] and bam, changed.

 

Probably one of the biggest reasons why I'm single for so long, is most girls I've met, turned into this with a HUGE cheating history, and as much as I hate being single, and as much as I hate not having sex at 21 BECAUSE IT'S WHO I AM, I'm not even remotely getting involved with a [bleep]. who knows who they've slept with.

 

Anyway I'm done with my ramble of incoherent stuff.

 

Ever heard of the Madonna-Whore Complex? >_>

[Estonian dude]

Nice to see 6+ people reading this one thread all the time.

But tbh, I might even have that complex-whatever thing. I am almost 18, never had a gf, never gotten further from 1st base. Though might be the fault in my shyness or fears for rejection. And low self-esteem.

And still I am really picky in the choice of girls I communicate with. Girls with proven "track record"(as in not simply lost virginity, but gone through a lot of guys), specially when they are 16 or younger is an instant turn-off for me.

 

Oh, and on topic of monogamous relationships, I am on par with muggi. I think that for the society monogamous relationships would be better but it is in our nature to "spread our genes" as much as possible. And really, we aren't that different from animals. We might think we are, but we aren't.

[muggiwhplar]

Nice to see 6+ people reading this one thread all the time.

But tbh, I might even have that complex-whatever thing. I am almost 18, never had a gf, never gotten further from 1st base. Though might be the fault in my shyness or fears for rejection. And low self-esteem.

And still I am really picky in the choice of girls I communicate with. Girls with proven "track record"(as in not simply lost virginity, but gone through a lot of guys), specially when they are 16 or younger is an instant turn-off for me.

 

The complex was proposed by Freud, and most of his theories are considered nuts these days. His explanation for the M/W-complex doesn't really make any sense, but I think the description accurately describes the way a lot of men in modern society view women.

[Estonian dude]

Well, I think that's a bit how girls nowadays are. You either have the party girls who change bf's every few months and then you have the quieter ones that have longer and fewer relationships. There isn't a certain fine line, everyone defines it themselves, but that is how I see girls.

[Tim]

 

I think it's important for you to realize that you're saying this now while you're in unemotional logic-mode. If you crossed paths with the man of your dreams and he triggered all kinds of emotion/arousal in you, you'd think differently in the heat of the moment when he's with you.

 

It's like how everybody says "I would never do this, this, and that!" or "I know better than to do this, this, and that!" But then, in the heat of the moment when their emotions are running high, they do things they claim to not ordinarily do. That's one way that people usually cheat.

 

 

I'm not going to dabble in this convo too much, but this part here especially is a bit of a flag. 90% of the women I know as "friends" (If I can call them that anymore) have no self control anymore, the second they get into that sexual high, they don't give a damn about anyone and everyone they could potentially hurt, they just turn into an instant [bleep] and bam, changed.

 

Probably one of the biggest reasons why I'm single for so long, is most girls I've met, turned into this with a HUGE cheating history, and as much as I hate being single, and as much as I hate not having sex at 21 BECAUSE IT'S WHO I AM, I'm not even remotely getting involved with a [bleep]. who knows who they've slept with.

 

Anyway I'm done with my ramble of incoherent stuff.

 

Ever heard of the Madonna-Whore Complex? >_>

I tend to try not get ravelled into 10,000 theories about personalities, touching, [bleep]ing, women minds etc etc etc. I'm only human, not a Female Observatist.

[Randox]

Wow, a lot of replies while I was thinking about what to say.

 

Interesting about the dolphins. I also feel like they are on the list of species that commit rape along with humans, probably some chimps, and some geese (or was it ducks).

 

Tripsis is right in that I am not at all an intimate person. I take a long time to warm up to people, and I never go as far as most people do. I also have a sex drive that's set to 'I could take it or leave it'. I almost just prefer to cuddle, or at least be close to the person I love.

 

When I see someone who is incredibly attractive, my reaction is a desire to get to know them. That's the way my mind goes about this sort of thing. For this reason, I am not suited to open relationships because I have no desire to bed someone I don't know.

 

 

I am also poorly suited to cheating, since I have some serious self guilting issues (on the plus side, they mean I can either be a nice person, or a miserable person), and I suspect cheating would probably be enough to obliterate every last trace of self esteem I had for a few years at least. Much less serious things have been able to do this for days, and left me with regrets I might never get rid of. I have a very introverted personality, and while the approval of others can boost my self esteem if I am already feeling good, the base comes entirely from within. If I don't do right by me, then I have nothing.

 

My point is that while open relationships might be grand for a lot of people, it will never work for me, because my personality doesn't lend itself to flings, and my own moral code will make sure I am faithful or I will put myself through self imposed hell on earth.

[muggiwhplar]

What about serial monogamy? Meaning remaining committed to one person at a time, but only for about 3 years

[Randox]

Serial monogamy is only an option for me if the other person ends it. Another facet of the self guilting, it makes it very difficult for me to call things off, at least in a timely manner. But I don't think I would enjoy that. It takes me a very long time to really open up to someone (long enough that its never happened once yet). I don't think I would care to go through that multiple times. But since pretty much all of the pleasure I get out of being with someone is derived from physical proximity and talking, I don't think it will ever be an issue on my end. My sex drive doesn't have the capacity to make me miserable. I feel my body might even recognize that there are issues with my genetic code, and they make it hesitant to produce offspring. It's recognized that it is not optimal for the continuation of the species, and has lowerd my sex drive as far as it will go without making me asexual. Or my mind knows that there are problems, and suppresses my sex drive for me.

[RpgGamer]

7 people on the thread atm. wow.

 

I'm a psych major, and I never understood why Freud's work was shafted so harshly. I honestly think he had the best understanding of the adolescent psyche in all of history.

 

Also, as a cheater [i guess I'll call myself that] I only have done it in relationships I didn't really value to begin with [in the pursuit of a better one]. In the grand scheme of things, even in open relationships that's been my general behavior; only being intimate with others when I feel the 'original' "relationship" wasn't worth upholding in light of the potential new one.

[Omar]

[decebal]

Freud focused on matters which were taboo at the time, such as the idea that everyone has incestual feelings. His methods were also very un-scientific, seeing that it was hard to test his theories.

 

Just put it this way: would you listen to a guy that said you think of penises, cocaine is a wonder drug, and that you want to have sex with your mother?

[Flyingjj]

As another psych major ( :P ), I view Freud as pretty... crazy. I've been studying him in two of my classes currently, and while he may have some good ideas, they have all been taken far to the extreme. Overall, I have a very strong bias against Freud.

[RpgGamer]

How is Freud's intensity thought of as "insane" when the feminist movement has equally intense views and are widely accepted by its supporters?

 

Yeah he was extreme, but he was fighting the tides of the public opinion. To not be extreme, would have been ignored. Yeah some of his stuff leaves me with a "WTF" face, but I whole heartedly beleive in the majority of his theories.

[muggiwhplar]

Your points don't really make Freud's beliefs any less invalid

[RpgGamer]

Hey, believe what you will but I still say proper psychoanalysis is the greatest method of therapy ever conceived. And the most effective short AND long term.

 

It's why I want to be a therapist, and not a psychiatrist

[Flyingjj]

I really dislike psychoanalytic therapy. Some of the techniques are useful. Done well, it can be good for delving in to a patient, but notions of an id, ego, and superego are absurd. This is not me saying I want to be a psychiatrist who medicalizes every psychiatric disorder and prescribes pills like they are candy, but pure psychotherapy is just... in my opinion... not correct.

 

Also, this is waaaay off topic. We should either start a different topic, bring it to PM, or talk about how Freud was obsessed with [male genitalia] and how obsession with our mothers influences the way we handle ourselves in our relationships now.

[MudRune]

Sorry if this is really long, I don't exactly know what to include so I just thought I'd chuck it all in.

 

Okay...

Well, I'm 17 and I've been back home for a few weeks now after two months in Germany on a German exchange my school does. My German is pretty poor but while I was there about a little over halfway through I met a girl at a club. At the end of it she told me she'd add me on Facebook, well the next day I ended up adding her. lol. Well we didn't end up talking for a while because neither of us started a conversation that day and I was busy without internet for the next few, until maybe a week later she sent me a message saying 'hi'. I spoke to her a few times over Facebook but since I was busy traveling I could only meet her another week and a half later.

 

Well, the city we lived in is quite big, about 550-600k people living there. So she ended up coming to my house and picking me up because I have no idea how to navigate the city and I thought it'd be awkward to ask my host family to take me to see a girl. (Not that I told her about the second point, and turns out it took her 20-30minutes to get to me :mellow: ) Well from what I gather she was pretty insecure? When she got to where I lived she sent me a message to come downstairs (I lived in an apartment) I kind of ignored it for maybe half a minute because I was busy and then she rang me asking me to come down.

She actually sounded pretty scared, I could hear the emotion in her voice and it almost sounded like she was going to cry. So I hurried down and she look relived to see me and hugged me hello.

We basically spent the next few hours walking through the city, making small talk (with the aid of my German/English dictionary app). Her parents are divorced and she lives with her Dad and older brother.

We then passed this tower where you can pay something like 3-4 euro to go up to a cafe that's 200+m high or something and I offered to take her up. Well she kind of froze/panicked and it was pretty obvious that she wasn't too keen on it, and I'd already been up and didn't care at all so I said we'll just keep going. But later we passed by the tower again and she said something along the lines of 'I'm not afraid anymore' and she was pretty determined that we go up. So I paid for the tickets, which she took really well, and we went up and she got me a little metal souvenir and paid for the drinks. She was pretty insistent on paying for both. We spent maybe half an hour up there and she mentioned movies so I asked her if she'd like to go see one. She seemed pretty keen and showed me she was busy the next few days so we agreed we'd talk about it on Facebook later.

Then she asked me what I wanted to do then and she offered to go back to my place because we only had something like an hour left. Well, I may have messed up, I interpreted it as 'hey do you want to go home now and call it a day' (She's that innocent looking, ha, she's also in a choir and does some horse riding/gymnastics thing) so instead I offered going to visit one last part of the city first.

Well we went there and then she took me near to my house before we had to go and hugged me goodbye, it was a tight hug and when we broke our embrace my arm was under hers and she didn't really let it go, and then she smiled at me expectantly, as if she expected me to kiss her again (We kissed at the club a few times but that was it). Well I was nervous and I'm taller than her so I kind of just smiled at her for maybe 20 seconds and then she hugged me one last time and then left.

 

I messaged her four days later (Thursday) asking if she wanted to see the movie, we hadn't spoken since and four days is probably the normal break we had in between talking but she said she was busy over the weekend and Monday (I left on Tuesday morning). Well obviously that was pretty lame but she said we'd write, something she'd mentioned previously up in the tower. Well when I arrived home six days later I sent her a message saying 'hello, how are you?' and I mentioned I'd miss her, something I'd mentioned once previously. Well she responded pretty positively using more emoticons than ever, ha. Saying she'd miss me too. Anyway because I was jet lagged we were talking in a normal Facebook conversation not like writing e-mails ( We're 12 hours apart) and so the conversation ended. Well four days later I sent her another message asking about her week, and a week later no reply :mellow: And she's definitely been on Facebook.

 

I'm planning on going back to Germany in a year with some friends anyway and I'd like to see her there regardless of how things work out. I'm just a little puzzled to why no reply, lol.

Although that being said one time she started a Facebook conversation with me with 'hi how are you?' to to which I replied to within 30 seconds and she didn't reply to it at all until half an hour later when I sent her 'err hello?' (She was online the whole time) and she said 'oh sorry, didn't realise you'd replied'. ( We then had a normal conversation.)

 

Any observations/advice is appreciated, I'm worried that I may have messed up pretty badly with 'do you want to go home' and hug thing.

 

Edit: Overall I've put in the most effort with talking to her over Facebook by the way, with an average of 3-4 days between conversations. Not waaay more effort than her, but noticeably more.

[RpgGamer]

Sorry if this is really long, I don't exactly know what to include so I just thought I'd chuck it all in.

 

Okay...

Well, I'm 17 and I've been back home for a few weeks now after two months in Germany on a German exchange my school does. My German is pretty poor but while I was there about a little over halfway through I met a girl at a club. At the end of it she told me she'd add me on Facebook, well the next day I ended up adding her. lol. Well we didn't end up talking for a while because neither of us started a conversation that day and I was busy without internet for the next few, until maybe a week later she sent me a message saying 'hi'. I spoke to her a few times over Facebook but since I was busy traveling I could only meet her another week and a half later.

 

Well, the city we lived in is quite big, about 550-600k people living there. So she ended up coming to my house and picking me up because I have no idea how to navigate the city and I thought it'd be awkward to ask my host family to take me to see a girl. (Not that I told her about the second point, and turns out it took her 20-30minutes to get to me :mellow: ) Well from what I gather she was pretty insecure? When she got to where I lived she sent me a message to come downstairs (I lived in an apartment) I kind of ignored it for maybe half a minute because I was busy and then she rang me asking me to come down.

She actually sounded pretty scared, I could hear the emotion in her voice and it almost sounded like she was going to cry. So I hurried down and she look relived to see me and hugged me hello.

We basically spent the next few hours walking through the city, making small talk (with the aid of my German/English dictionary app). Her parents are divorced and she lives with her Dad and older brother.

We then passed this tower where you can pay something like 3-4 euro to go up to a cafe that's 200+m high or something and I offered to take her up. Well she kind of froze/panicked and it was pretty obvious that she wasn't too keen on it, and I'd already been up and didn't care at all so I said we'll just keep going. But later we passed by the tower again and she said something along the lines of 'I'm not afraid anymore' and she was pretty determined that we go up. So I paid for the tickets, which she took really well, and we went up and she got me a little metal souvenir and paid for the drinks. She was pretty insistent on paying for both. We spent maybe half an hour up there and she mentioned movies so I asked her if she'd like to go see one. She seemed pretty keen and showed me she was busy the next few days so we agreed we'd talk about it on Facebook later.

Then she asked me what I wanted to do then and she offered to go back to my place because we only had something like an hour left. Well, I may have messed up, I interpreted it as 'hey do you want to go home now and call it a day' (She's that innocent looking, ha, she's also in a choir and does some horse riding/gymnastics thing) so instead I offered going to visit one last part of the city first.

Well we went there and then she took me near to my house before we had to go and hugged me goodbye, it was a tight hug and when we broke our embrace my arm was under hers and she didn't really let it go, and then she smiled at me expectantly, as if she expected me to kiss her again (We kissed at the club a few times but that was it). Well I was nervous and I'm taller than her so I kind of just smiled at her for maybe 20 seconds and then she hugged me one last time and then left.

 

I messaged her four days later (Thursday) asking if she wanted to see the movie, we hadn't spoken since and four days is probably the normal break we had in between talking but she said she was busy over the weekend and Monday (I left on Tuesday morning). Well obviously that was pretty lame but she said we'd write, something she'd mentioned previously up in the tower. Well when I arrived home six days later I sent her a message saying 'hello, how are you?' and I mentioned I'd miss her, something I'd mentioned once previously. Well she responded pretty positively using more emoticons than ever, ha. Saying she'd miss me too. Anyway because I was jet lagged we were talking in a normal Facebook conversation not like writing e-mails ( We're 12 hours apart) and so the conversation ended. Well four days later I sent her another message asking about her week, and a week later no reply :mellow: And she's definitely been on Facebook.

 

I'm planning on going back to Germany in a year with some friends anyway and I'd like to see her there regardless of how things work out. I'm just a little puzzled to why no reply, lol.

Although that being said one time she started a Facebook conversation with me with 'hi how are you?' to to which I replied to within 30 seconds and she didn't reply to it at all until half an hour later when I sent her 'err hello?' (She was online the whole time) and she said 'oh sorry, didn't realise you'd replied'. ( We then had a normal conversation.)

 

Any observations/advice is appreciated, I'm worried that I may have messed up pretty badly with 'do you want to go home' and hug thing.

 

Edit: Overall I've put in the most effort with talking to her over Facebook by the way, with an average of 3-4 days between conversations. Not waaay more effort than her, but noticeably more.

 

No amount of face-desking will represent my thougths when I read that you didn't kiss her goodnight. Sounds like you had a good time with her, and it'd be cool t keep in contact or whatever, but I can't say it'd be a good idea to get even remotely serious with her. She seems [and you for that matter] a little on the busy side, so contact is minimal and you live 12 hours apart as it is. A year is a long ass time is my point. The first few months won't seem like a problem, but things change. I think it'd be awesome to visit her next year if you keep talking to her, but unless you plan on staying in Germany [or her going to you] a true relationship doesn't seem to be on your horizon.

 

It was a cool story though, one that doesn't necessarily have to be over. Do what you feel is right, and if you are going to pursue something serious for whatever reason I recommend apologizing for not kissing her. Just a casual something, don't make a big deal of it.

 

Otherwise things seem to be fairly normal between you too, though I'd recommend if you're going to pursue this suggesting some type of reliable communication system, as your communication seems rather broken with her.

[MudRune]

Sorry if this is really long, I don't exactly know what to include so I just thought I'd chuck it all in.

 

Okay...

Well, I'm 17 and I've been back home for a few weeks now after two months in Germany on a German exchange my school does. My German is pretty poor but while I was there about a little over halfway through I met a girl at a club. At the end of it she told me she'd add me on Facebook, well the next day I ended up adding her. lol. Well we didn't end up talking for a while because neither of us started a conversation that day and I was busy without internet for the next few, until maybe a week later she sent me a message saying 'hi'. I spoke to her a few times over Facebook but since I was busy traveling I could only meet her another week and a half later.

 

Well, the city we lived in is quite big, about 550-600k people living there. So she ended up coming to my house and picking me up because I have no idea how to navigate the city and I thought it'd be awkward to ask my host family to take me to see a girl. (Not that I told her about the second point, and turns out it took her 20-30minutes to get to me :mellow: ) Well from what I gather she was pretty insecure? When she got to where I lived she sent me a message to come downstairs (I lived in an apartment) I kind of ignored it for maybe half a minute because I was busy and then she rang me asking me to come down.

She actually sounded pretty scared, I could hear the emotion in her voice and it almost sounded like she was going to cry. So I hurried down and she look relived to see me and hugged me hello.

We basically spent the next few hours walking through the city, making small talk (with the aid of my German/English dictionary app). Her parents are divorced and she lives with her Dad and older brother.

We then passed this tower where you can pay something like 3-4 euro to go up to a cafe that's 200+m high or something and I offered to take her up. Well she kind of froze/panicked and it was pretty obvious that she wasn't too keen on it, and I'd already been up and didn't care at all so I said we'll just keep going. But later we passed by the tower again and she said something along the lines of 'I'm not afraid anymore' and she was pretty determined that we go up. So I paid for the tickets, which she took really well, and we went up and she got me a little metal souvenir and paid for the drinks. She was pretty insistent on paying for both. We spent maybe half an hour up there and she mentioned movies so I asked her if she'd like to go see one. She seemed pretty keen and showed me she was busy the next few days so we agreed we'd talk about it on Facebook later.

Then she asked me what I wanted to do then and she offered to go back to my place because we only had something like an hour left. Well, I may have messed up, I interpreted it as 'hey do you want to go home now and call it a day' (She's that innocent looking, ha, she's also in a choir and does some horse riding/gymnastics thing) so instead I offered going to visit one last part of the city first.

Well we went there and then she took me near to my house before we had to go and hugged me goodbye, it was a tight hug and when we broke our embrace my arm was under hers and she didn't really let it go, and then she smiled at me expectantly, as if she expected me to kiss her again (We kissed at the club a few times but that was it). Well I was nervous and I'm taller than her so I kind of just smiled at her for maybe 20 seconds and then she hugged me one last time and then left.

 

I messaged her four days later (Thursday) asking if she wanted to see the movie, we hadn't spoken since and four days is probably the normal break we had in between talking but she said she was busy over the weekend and Monday (I left on Tuesday morning). Well obviously that was pretty lame but she said we'd write, something she'd mentioned previously up in the tower. Well when I arrived home six days later I sent her a message saying 'hello, how are you?' and I mentioned I'd miss her, something I'd mentioned once previously. Well she responded pretty positively using more emoticons than ever, ha. Saying she'd miss me too. Anyway because I was jet lagged we were talking in a normal Facebook conversation not like writing e-mails ( We're 12 hours apart) and so the conversation ended. Well four days later I sent her another message asking about her week, and a week later no reply :mellow: And she's definitely been on Facebook.

 

I'm planning on going back to Germany in a year with some friends anyway and I'd like to see her there regardless of how things work out. I'm just a little puzzled to why no reply, lol.

Although that being said one time she started a Facebook conversation with me with 'hi how are you?' to to which I replied to within 30 seconds and she didn't reply to it at all until half an hour later when I sent her 'err hello?' (She was online the whole time) and she said 'oh sorry, didn't realise you'd replied'. ( We then had a normal conversation.)

 

Any observations/advice is appreciated, I'm worried that I may have messed up pretty badly with 'do you want to go home' and hug thing.

 

Edit: Overall I've put in the most effort with talking to her over Facebook by the way, with an average of 3-4 days between conversations. Not waaay more effort than her, but noticeably more.

 

No amount of face-desking will represent my thougths when I read that you didn't kiss her goodnight. Sounds like you had a good time with her, and it'd be cool t keep in contact or whatever, but I can't say it'd be a good idea to get even remotely serious with her. She seems [and you for that matter] a little on the busy side, so contact is minimal and you live 12 hours apart as it is. A year is a long ass time is my point. The first few months won't seem like a problem, but things change. I think it'd be awesome to visit her next year if you keep talking to her, but unless you plan on staying in Germany [or her going to you] a true relationship doesn't seem to be on your horizon.

 

It was a cool story though, one that doesn't necessarily have to be over. Do what you feel is right, and if you are going to pursue something serious for whatever reason I recommend apologizing for not kissing her. Just a casual something, don't make a big deal of it.

 

Otherwise things seem to be fairly normal between you too, though I'd recommend if you're going to pursue this suggesting some type of reliable communication system, as your communication seems rather broken with her.

Okay, thank you, yeah I'm not exactly sure how long I'll spend in Germany but she's also learning to speak English and we both want to travel after school so i think it'd be really cool to travel the world with her or something. That being said, she didn't reply to my last message and I don't know why, or what to do. Am I supposed to message her again? I've already started the last few conversations, as it is I'm considering just leaving it until either she sends me one or a month or two before I go to Germany I'll send her one saying I'm coming over, want to meet up or something like that.

[Omar]

How long have you know this girl for? You don't know for sure if she's insecure--that's a pretty big hint that she's not travel-the-world material yet.