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"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice


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Muggi, if one day you stopped being satisfied with poly, what would you do?

 

I'm not sure if that's even possible... at least not until I'm like 60 years old lol. What do you think would cause such a thing to happen?

 

I'd remain single, though probably. Monogamy just isn't worth it.

 

It's worth it if you're happy with it.

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My friends all suck for this sort of thing so I figured who better to ask than anonymous internet users. How do I get over the breakup and her? Don't feel like going into details right now so general advice is appreciated.

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Muggi, if one day you stopped being satisfied with poly, what would you do?

 

I'm not sure if that's even possible... at least not until I'm like 60 years old lol. What do you think would cause such a thing to happen?

 

I'd remain single, though probably. I value my freedom too much to go monogamous; there wouldn't really be any "need" for me to go monogamous either.

Boredom with sex one one hand and loneliness, or a desire to be one with someone else, to raise a child, to drink shitty coffee every morning on the other. I can't help but doubt the notion that you can be entirely self-sufficient, or rather, that the happiness you have is happiness at its full potential. You said yourself that happiness came to you because of your ability to inspire people. What better way to do this than in marriage?

Matt: You want that eh? You want everything good for you. You want everything that's--falls off garbage can

Camera guy: Whoa, haha, are you okay dude?

Matt: You want anything funny that happens, don't you?

Camera guy: still laughing

Matt: You want the funny shit that happens here and there, you think it comes out of your [bleep]ing [wagon] pushes garbage can down, don't you? You think it's funny? It comes out of here! running towards Camera guy

Camera guy: runs away still laughing

Matt: You think the funny comes out of your mother[bleep]ing creativity? Comes out of Satan, mother[bleep]er! nn--ngh! pushes Camera guy down

Camera guy: Hoooholy [bleep]!

Matt: FUNNY ISN'T REAL! FUNNY ISN'T REAL!

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My friends all suck for this sort of thing so I figured who better to ask than anonymous internet users. How do I get over the breakup and her? Don't feel like going into details right now so general advice is appreciated.

 

Time. Hang out with friends you haven't seen in a while and re-connect with them. Delete her number off your phone, etc.

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Boredom with sex one one hand and loneliness, or a desire to be one with someone else, to raise a child, to drink shitty coffee every morning on the other.

 

I don't think it's possible to become bored with sex unless you're only having sex with the same person(s) every time. It's also hard to get lonely when I have so many loving friends and family members. More importantly, my favorite person to spend time with is... me. I enjoy solitude-- it's peaceful, relaxing, and full of freedom. I think many people enter relationships out of fear of being alone, and that's not good.

 

Being with someone else, raising a child, drinking coffee with them in the morning, etc. sounds like fun and everything but I don't need to be in a monogamous relationship to experience that. Additionally, the negatives outweigh the positives that are included in that arrangement.

 

I can't help but doubt the notion that you can be entirely self-sufficient, or rather, that the happiness you have is happiness at its full potential. You said yourself that happiness came to you because of your ability to inspire people. What better way to do this than in marriage?

 

Happiness at its full potential is a state I've only achieved twice in my life, and it was difficult to maintain for more than 24 hours-- that in itself is a whole 'nother topic. Regardless, other people had nothing to do with entering and maintaining that state. It all came from within.

 

Think of it this way: Your happiness always has a certain "baseline." When you achieve a goal or eat food or exercise, you'll get a spike in dopamine to make you feel happy. But it's just a temporary happiness boost-- it doesn't last very long and before you know it, you're back to your baseline level of happiness. So basically people go through their lives, doing things to spike up their happiness as much as they can, but at the end of the day they really aren't any happier than they were to begin with. Negative things in your life do the opposite-- except the negativity affects you more severely and for longer periods of time. Your goal shouldn't be to experience as many positive spikes as you can-- it should be to boost the happiness baseline. Once your happiness baseline gets up to a certain level, your life will just be full of bliss and happiness, without any worries. You'll start to realize that you really don't need to have more money to be happy. You don't need to lose weight. You don't need a boyfriend/girlfriend. You already have everything.

 

People get married because they think it'll make them feel happy, loved, complete, etc. But why get married if you can do all of those things on your own without marriage? Why sacrifice your freedom for something that you don't need?

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People who enjoy relationships and monogamy don't see it as giving up freedom. And when you're in love, it does make you happier. Putting aside your opinions on whether or not it's capable of lasting, relationships and companionship do add to happiness. You clearly haven't been in love and you're not a fan of monogamy so you won't be able to relate. But not everyone feels the same way as you. When you're in love, you WANT to share your life with the other person. You enjoy their presence. It's like hanging out with your best friend. You don't feel like you're sacrificing anything, and you definitely don't feel like you're giving up freedom.

 

That may be the case for you, which is fine. But people who prefer monogamy probably generally feel ^ that way.

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People who enjoy relationships and monogamy don't see it as giving up freedom. And when you're in love, it does make you happier. Putting aside your opinions on whether or not it's capable of lasting, relationships and companionship do add to happiness. You clearly haven't been in love and you're not a fan of monogamy so you won't be able to relate. But not everyone feels the same way as you. When you're in love, you WANT to share your life with the other person. You enjoy their presence. It's like hanging out with your best friend. You don't feel like you're sacrificing anything, and you definitely don't feel like you're giving up freedom.

 

That may be the case for you, which is fine. But people who prefer monogamy probably generally feel ^ that way.

 

I've been in love before and know exactly what you're talking about. My first relationship lasted for 3 years and it was awesome... and then things fell apart :P The same way your previous one did, I'd imagine.

 

Monogamy isn't designed to facilitate the feelings you described above, and monogamy isn't necessary to experience what you described.

 

EDIT: I'd also like to point out that the feelings you're describing are basically the honeymoon feelings.

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People who enjoy relationships and monogamy don't see it as giving up freedom. And when you're in love, it does make you happier. Putting aside your opinions on whether or not it's capable of lasting, relationships and companionship do add to happiness. You clearly haven't been in love and you're not a fan of monogamy so you won't be able to relate. But not everyone feels the same way as you. When you're in love, you WANT to share your life with the other person. You enjoy their presence. It's like hanging out with your best friend. You don't feel like you're sacrificing anything, and you definitely don't feel like you're giving up freedom.

 

That may be the case for you, which is fine. But people who prefer monogamy probably generally feel ^ that way.

 

I've been in love before and know exactly what you're talking about. My first relationship lasted for 3 years and it was awesome... and then things fell apart :P The same way your previous one did, I'd imagine.

 

Monogamy isn't designed to facilitate the feelings you described above, and monogamy isn't necessary to experience what you described.

You see monogamy as giving up you're freedom. I don't. If you're truly in love, you won't feel like you're giving up anything.

 

EDIT: I'd also like to point out that the feelings you're describing are basically the honeymoon feelings.

And yet I'm out of the honeymoon phase and still feeling them :P It's not impossible to still feel things like this outside of the honeymoon phase. Less likely - fine. But it's not like there's a scientific threshold and suddenly you stop feeling certain emotions after 12-18 months.

 

EDIT: Besides.. The honeymoon phase is well known as the "romantic" phase. To quote an article:

 

Phase 1: The Honeymoon (Love- ain't it great!)

 

This is the romantic, passionate, stars-in-the-eyes phase. The sex is good and there is never enough of it. This doesn't happen for all couples but as a rule, this strong attraction stage is laced with thinking about and wanting to be with, your new love.

 

I don't think what I was describing was romance. It was general companionship.

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Except not everyone sees it that way. I have not moved in with my boyfriend full time but I have stayed with him for weeks at a time, multiple times. I have had to give up space in my room, change my schedule a bit, share my dishes/computer/bed/other items. You would call that sacrificing space and freedom. It doesn't bother me at all. I don't feel like I'm giving up anything, even though technically I am. I love sharing things with him, I love doing favours for him, I love making space for him.

 

Just because it happened to you and just because you felt like you were giving up your freedom does not mean everyone feels that way.

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Except not everyone sees it that way. I have not moved in with my boyfriend full time but I have stayed with him for weeks at a time, multiple times. I have had to give up space in my room, change my schedule a bit, share my dishes/computer/bed/other items. You would call that sacrificing space and freedom. It doesn't bother me at all. I don't feel like I'm giving up anything, even though technically I am. I love sharing things with him, I love doing favours for him, I love making space for him.

 

Just because it happened to you and just because you felt like you were giving up your freedom does not mean everyone feels that way.

 

Like I've said in the past-- I'm glad you feel that way, and I honestly hope you feel that way forever. I just don't believe that you will. Only time will tell.

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If/when you move in with your boyfriend, you'll probably start to feel some of the negative changes I talk about. Same goes for sharing property. And getting married. And having kids.

 

Those things entail compromise. Compromise entails loss of freedom.

Well of course the more time you spend with someone the more often you'll notice little things about them that annoy you. Depending on what the problem is, compromising isn't a loss of freedom. If anything a person should be happy to make some changes for the person they love because it lets them know they're being a better partner for it. But still, that compromise should never be one sided and the changes shouldn't have to be anything drastic.

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If/when you move in with your boyfriend, you'll probably start to feel some of the negative changes I talk about. Same goes for sharing property. And getting married. And having kids.

 

Those things entail compromise. Compromise entails loss of freedom.

Well of course the more time you spend with someone the more often you'll notice little things about them that annoy you. Depending on what the problem is, compromising isn't a loss of freedom. If anything a person should be happy to make some changes for the person they love because it lets them know they're being a better partner for it. But still, that compromise should never be one sided and the changes shouldn't have to be anything drastic.

 

Compromising sex is usually what marks the beginning of the end. And considering as women get older, they become less physically attractive and their sex drive diminishes, that doesn't look too good for their partners.

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If/when you move in with your boyfriend, you'll probably start to feel some of the negative changes I talk about. Same goes for sharing property. And getting married. And having kids.

 

Those things entail compromise. Compromise entails loss of freedom.

Well of course the more time you spend with someone the more often you'll notice little things about them that annoy you. Depending on what the problem is, compromising isn't a loss of freedom. If anything a person should be happy to make some changes for the person they love because it lets them know they're being a better partner for it. But still, that compromise should never be one sided and the changes shouldn't have to be anything drastic.

 

Compromising sex is usually what marks the beginning of the end. And considering as women get older, they become less physically attractive and their sex drive diminishes, that doesn't look too good for their partners.

Are you assuming that your sex drive and attractiveness are going to stay the same?

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Unless you're insanely rich (let's face it, there are loads of young women who like guys for their money), good luck having sex with hot 24-year-olds when you're 60.

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Unless you're insanely rich (let's face it, there are loads of young women who like guys for their money), good luck having sex with hot 24-year-olds when you're 60.

 

I think my odds of having sex with 24-year-olds when I'm 60 are a lot higher than having sex with my 60-year-old wife. The sex would probably be better too.

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Yeah; some day I want to get married. I want to have 2 sons and a daughter. I want to name my first son after my grandfather. I want to live in a suburb. I want to wake up, put on a tie, drink some shitty coffee and watch my wife make breakfast for my kids.

 

And if you don't understand the satisfaction that brings a man, I doubt you understand manhood at all.

 

That sounds terrible to me-- we both have a different understanding of "manhood." Another big topic there-- let me know if you wanna discuss it!

 

I'm actually curious what you consider to be the epitome of manhood, yeah. [also - how old are you again?]

 

Unless you're insanely rich (let's face it, there are loads of young women who like guys for their money), good luck having sex with hot 24-year-olds when you're 60.

 

I think my odds of having sex with 24-year-olds when I'm 60 are a lot higher than having sex with my 60-year-old wife. The sex would probably be better too.

 

I lol'd. I want to interview you when your 65. I want to see how many 24 year old girls you pick up hahaha

 

... I wrote relatively long post to accidentally backspace.

 

In short, I find it slightly presumptuous to base his character on those actions alone. It's not unlikely that he's simply inexperienced, and he has a poor interpretation of what dating really is. The financial aspect can be daunting if his interpretation of dating is to constantly buy eachother gifts, nights out, and expensive meals.

 

We don't know enough about the context of him 'making out' with other girls - variables such as time period and sexual attraction are very relevant. It's a bit difficult to judge if we lack these details.

 

In regards to the polyamory/monogamy - I'm not sure how you can infer that. Please elaborate.

 

Premise 4 and 5 are simply assumptions that's as likely to be right as it would be wrong. It's based very loosely on what actually happened, and therefore postulating these outcomes are foolish at this stage.

 

It seems like much of the reasoning is projection or generalizations of other occurrences. It's important to bear context in mind.

 

Yeah, he mostly told me that he made out with girls while drunk and at parties, and he kissed two other girls I know as a 'joke'.

Personally, I don't actually mind or care about all of that, the thing that bugs me more is whether he slept with another girl while she was still in a relationship.

That would probably be the thing that would deter me from him most of all. It just shows a lack of principles for me. I would not flirt with another girl's boyfriend or try to steal him for myself.

I just find that wrong for me to do, and while others would possibly disagree with me on this, it's just a moral I have, which is why I made sure he was single before I went any further down that route.

It may well be the reason why I didn't admit it to Mary then, I probably won't know exactly why I didn't admit it, but if they were to date, I wouldn't be jealous but I would rather not have Mary feeling guilty for dating him while she knew that I liked him too.

 

If you're looking for emotional bullshit - he's your guy. He doesn't seem to be your best option if your intent is a proper relationship. If you're just trying to hook up with him, sounds like it's not gonna be hard [most guys aren't going to deny a hook up regardless lol]

 

My friends all suck for this sort of thing so I figured who better to ask than anonymous internet users. How do I get over the breakup and her? Don't feel like going into details right now so general advice is appreciated.

 

Alcohol, friends and flirting with random girls. And put it in your head that you're moving on. Don't be lingering on any bullshit.

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Unless you're insanely rich (let's face it, there are loads of young women who like guys for their money), good luck having sex with hot 24-year-olds when you're 60.

 

I think my odds of having sex with 24-year-olds when I'm 60 are a lot higher than having sex with my 60-year-old wife. The sex would probably be better too.

 

I lol'd. I want to interview you when your 65. I want to see how many 24 year old girls you pick up hahaha

This :P

 

If you're not listening to anyone who hasn't been in a monogamous relationship for over 5 years, I'm not listening to you until you're 65 and regularly banging 24 year old women :P

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Where did I say I'd be picking up girls when I'm 60? :huh:

 

Regardless... RPG, I thought you understood that confidence is the most attractive trait in a man. So why would age matter?

 

As far as the manhood thing goes, remind me and I'll post something later this week-- I don't have time for that one tonight, sorry.

 

If you're not listening to anyone who hasn't been in a monogamous relationship for over 5 years, I'm not listening to you until you're 65 and regularly banging 24 year old women :P

 

I thought you said you were done arguing with me yesterday :P

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Where did I say I'd be picking up girls when I'm 60? :huh:

 

Regardless... RPG, I thought you understood that confidence is the most attractive trait in a man. So why would age matter?

 

As far as the manhood thing goes, remind me and I'll post something later this week-- I don't have time for that one tonight, sorry.

 

Alright I'll get back to you on the manhood thing.

 

As for age mattering? Yeah, confidence is huge. But you're forgetting that's implemented heavily by your perception of attractiveness, not the girls you'll be hitting on necessarily. While yes, being confident is key, I feel at a certain age difference women have a standard of not wanting to bang dudes older than their dad.

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Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.

 

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Where did I say I'd be picking up girls when I'm 60? :huh:

 

Regardless... RPG, I thought you understood that confidence is the most attractive trait in a man. So why would age matter?

 

As far as the manhood thing goes, remind me and I'll post something later this week-- I don't have time for that one tonight, sorry.

 

If you're not listening to anyone who hasn't been in a monogamous relationship for over 5 years, I'm not listening to you until you're 65 and regularly banging 24 year old women :P

 

I thought you said you were done arguing with me yesterday :P

Just out of interest; what do you expect when you're 60+?

 

Also, what do you expect poly amorous women to do once they hit 60?

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Where did I say I'd be picking up girls when I'm 60? :huh:

 

Regardless... RPG, I thought you understood that confidence is the most attractive trait in a man. So why would age matter?

 

As far as the manhood thing goes, remind me and I'll post something later this week-- I don't have time for that one tonight, sorry.

 

If you're not listening to anyone who hasn't been in a monogamous relationship for over 5 years, I'm not listening to you until you're 65 and regularly banging 24 year old women :P

 

I thought you said you were done arguing with me yesterday :P

Just out of interest; what do you expect when you're 60+?

 

Also, what do you expect poly amorous women to do once they hit 60?

 

For 60+ I haven't really thought that far ahead... I'm not too worried about it, I've got a lot of hope for the future. If you really want me to I can try to put together a day in the life of 60-year-old muggi lol. But I don't have time tonight :P

 

I have thought a little about what women "should" do as far as polyamory and aging goes, though. Honestly, I feel bad for women. The older they get, the less attractive they become. They've got the odds against them when it comes to that kind of thing :( Without giving this too much thought, I'd say that by that age women should be doing more "motherly" things rather than sexual/romantic things.

 

Basically I think the male and female "agendas" aren't very compatible.

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Where did I say I'd be picking up girls when I'm 60? :huh:

 

Regardless... RPG, I thought you understood that confidence is the most attractive trait in a man. So why would age matter?

 

As far as the manhood thing goes, remind me and I'll post something later this week-- I don't have time for that one tonight, sorry.

 

If you're not listening to anyone who hasn't been in a monogamous relationship for over 5 years, I'm not listening to you until you're 65 and regularly banging 24 year old women :P

 

I thought you said you were done arguing with me yesterday :P

Just out of interest; what do you expect when you're 60+?

 

Also, what do you expect poly amorous women to do once they hit 60?

 

For 60+ I haven't really thought that far ahead... I'm not too worried about it, I've got a lot of hope for the future. If you really want me to I can try to put together a day in the life of 60-year-old muggi lol. But I don't have time tonight :P

 

I have thought a little about what women "should" do as far as polyamory and aging goes, though. Honestly, I feel bad for women. The older they get, the less attractive they become. They've got the odds against them when it comes to that kind of thing :( Without giving this too much thought, I'd say that by that age women should be doing more "motherly" things rather than sexual/romantic things.

 

Basically I think the male and female "agendas" aren't very compatible.

 

I can't help but think you're implying that men don't get less attractive and appealing over time. Confidence isn't going to make up for all of the flaws of being an old man.

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Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.

 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude

Steam: NippleBeardTM

Origin: Brand_New_iPwn

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