"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[muggiwhplar]

Why do you think that giving a shit is a good thing?

 

Isn't that what people are supposed to do? Feel? Care?

 

The happiest people in the world enjoy the process of the things they do; they do not care at all about the outcome. They are carefree and happy.

 

Caring about the outcome is what leads to all kinds of bad things. For example, this thread exists because everybody cares too much about the outcome of their relationships. If every man in the world became carefree and stopped caring about the outcome, there would be no such thing as a "needy guy." The friend-zone wouldn't exist either (or at least, nobody would be bothered by it if it did).

 

Just read this if you want a better explanation; I don't wanna have to type it all out again lol

[Riku3220]

Wait wait wait, completely not caring about the outcome of your actions is a dangerous thing do and will probably put you into a hole you won't be able to dig yourself out of. I think more helpful advice would be to weigh both the process and the outcome equally to ensure the best results possible.

[obfuscator]

I think MW doesn't mean not "caring" about the outcome, but rather accepting that the process itself can be a great source of happiness, even if the outcome isn't necessarily desirable.

[muggiwhplar]

Wait wait wait, completely not caring about the outcome of your actions is a dangerous thing do and will probably put you into a hole you won't be able to dig yourself out of. I think more helpful advice would be to weigh both the process and the outcome equally to ensure the best results possible.

 

But if you truly don't care about the outcome, you won't be bothered by whatever hole you may fall in to. People are afraid of being carefree. Part of being carefree means being carefree about being carefree... if that makes sense.

 

I think MW doesn't mean not "caring" about the outcome, but rather accepting that the process itself can be a great source of happiness, even if the outcome isn't necessarily desirable.

 

Yeah-- that's a good way of putting it too

[Riku3220]

The way I understand it, being carefree only keeps you from being unhappy. It doesn't help with actual happiness.

[muggiwhplar]

The way I understand it, being carefree only keeps you from being unhappy. It doesn't help with actual happiness.

 

I'd have to think about that a little deeper to provide some better insight, but right now I'd say I more or less agree with you. Happiness comes from the process of doing things mostly (and not the outcome).

 

The reason why it's important to prevent negative emotions (by not worrying about the outcome), though, is because negative emotions/stimuli affect you with triple the potency compared to positive emotions. It's not a fair, balanced 1:1 ratio of good-bad... your body makes damn sure that you feel like shit if it senses something bad, while only making you feel mildly happy for sensing something equally-positive.

[Ouchy]

Not sure if anyone saw it from two pages ago about me being a bit paranoid, but my suspicions were right. She was lying about where she was, she was never away, she just was ignoring me. So I'm going to call her and dump her tomorrow.

[muggiwhplar]

[insert my usual insensitive anti-monogamy post here, supplemented with nagging about how this wouldn't be an issue if you weren't monogamous]

[Randox]

And speaking on behalf of those people who hope to one day have a spouse and children, that sucks Ouchy. Dump her ass pronto.

[tripsis]

Sorry to hear that Ouchy :( You're definitely making the right decision to dump her.

[Bonez899]

I was looking for advice. I like a girl but I am unsure how to approach her... Almost unsure of even how to word this message.

[RpgGamer]

I was looking for advice. I like a girl but I am unsure how to approach her... Almost unsure of even how to word this message.

 

Shoot a PM in IamDan's direction. Read his blog, yadda yadda. Post again if you want another opinion or have any questions/concerns.

 

@Ouchy

 

My condolences

 

@Muggi

 

From my understanding to be truly "carefree" is a joyless experience as you don't have the emotional output [care] to truly enjoy your experiences

[muggiwhplar]

@Muggi

 

From my understanding to be truly "carefree" is a joyless experience as you don't have the emotional output [care] to truly enjoy your experiences

 

Like I said, the enjoyment comes from the process of things. It's like playing an MMORPG-- the pleasure and enjoyment come from the journey to your goals, not actually obtaining the goals.

 

Just think of it as living a life of constant pleasure/enjoyment, without any worries. It's an awesome life to have :D

[RpgGamer]

@Muggi

 

From my understanding to be truly "carefree" is a joyless experience as you don't have the emotional output [care] to truly enjoy your experiences

 

Like I said, the enjoyment comes from the process of things. It's like playing an MMORPG-- the pleasure and enjoyment come from the journey to your goals, not actually obtaining the goals.

 

Just think of it as living a life of constant pleasure/enjoyment, without any worries. It's an awesome life to have :D

 

Apparently I've been playing MMO's wrong my whole life :razz:

[muggiwhplar]

@Muggi

 

From my understanding to be truly "carefree" is a joyless experience as you don't have the emotional output [care] to truly enjoy your experiences

 

Like I said, the enjoyment comes from the process of things. It's like playing an MMORPG-- the pleasure and enjoyment come from the journey to your goals, not actually obtaining the goals.

 

Just think of it as living a life of constant pleasure/enjoyment, without any worries. It's an awesome life to have :D

 

Apparently I've been playing MMO's wrong my whole life :razz:

 

Again-- like I said in my blog, most people never stop to think of why they do the things they do. They want things that they don't have, with the assumption that obtaining such things will make them happy. Even if they do get what they want, not only do such things fail to make people happy in the long run; they also cause massive amounts of stress/sadness/anger/frustration/etc when they don't get what they want. Hence, the importance of not caring if whether or not you get what you want and finding pleasure and happiness through alternative means.

[RpgGamer]

she just changed her facebook relationship status to "in a relationship"

 

it ain't with me, cause she just ended it...lolwut.

 

Not sure if she's trolling me, or she's been going against her own word the whole time [she was giving me the hardest time about not committing]. I'm not sure whether to be impressed or embarrassed.

[muggiwhplar]

You should be........

 

INDIFFERENT AND CAREFREE :P

[Assume Nothing]

Or completely apathetic. It's okay to be anything but envious or grievous.

[RpgGamer]

Or completely apathetic. It's okay to be anything but envious or grievous.

 

I can't help but ask what the hell? but I retain my general apathy

[Ezkaton]

[spoiler=Last post.]

Right it's been a while since I last posted on here really methinks :3 Anyways... I have a... Situation...

 

There's a woman who I've had a massive crush on for about a year and a half now. I'd generally see her out and about on the Open Mic night at the King's Head on Tuesday's and at the Folk Night at the Cmwanne on Thursday's and then around campus whenever. But circumstances have never really allowed for anything to be said or done apart from just hanging out, texting and meeting up at the pubs.

 

But one thing has kind lead to another... She's a Masters student and is in the second year of her MA which is dissertation year and therefore she hardly needs to be in Lampeter, so she spends most of her time living at home in London. Last term (October to December) she came back to Lampeter and needed a place to stay so I offered that she could crash at mine as I had an air bed and didn't mind sleeping on the floor (because TBH air beds are cool). We met up, went for dinner, and she confessed that she had had a massive crush on me too for the best part of the year and a half and didn't know what I felt, and the fact that she had had a boyfriend during this time didn't help matters in that department. So we head back to mine, and we kiss... And then we end up sleeping together. She then has to go the next day as she's meeting other people and has to go back home, and we figured that it was a one night stand thing (which is against what I really ever do :S).

 

Anyways... We texted and called and skyped a lot over the past few months and she came back to Lampeter last week. Last Tuesday we met up down the Kings (them Open Mic night lulz) and she came back to mine, things escalated again etc, she stayed over again etc and then went in the morning so I could finish my essay... Finally we met up one last time on Thursday at the Cmwanne, and progressed to the Kings. I decided to call it a night at about 1ish, and told her I was leaving, we walked to the door of the pub hugged, kissed and then hugged again at which point I said "I'll miss you". We then had a quick chat about random things, hugged one last time before I left at which point she said "I love you". Then I said "pardon?" and she, shocked, said "nothing, I didn't say anything...." And we went off.

 

She's coming back to Lampeter on Sunday and will be until Thursday. We're still texting, and I broached the subject but she avoided it. We may well be going for a meal on Tuesday or Wednesday.... But I don't really know what to do :S Do I broach the subject at dinner, or do she and I just bury that and get on with it?

 

Problem is she doesn't want to have a long-distance relationship because things can become tense if the other person becomes clingy etc, and she told me herself she would become clingy during it and she can't cope with being that dependent on someone...

 

Sooooo yeahs.

 

 

tl;dr: Girl I've had a crush on for a year and a half has had a crush on me too, we've hooked up a few times, last time she was down she told me she loves me but she can't/wont/doesn't want to do a long-distance relationship.... What do?

 

 

 

 

 

OK.... So.... Martha came back to Lampeter last Monday. We met up on the Monday and we kissed and smiled and flirted; however, we mostly spent time with my hallmates. She had actually gone to dinner with someone else because he too liked her, but she didn't like him like that and so just went to let him down nicely and they both ended up coming down to spend time with my corridor. He walked her home, and when I was back in the kitchen I was told to go after her, and not let the woman I like slip out of my arms. So yeahs, one of my friends is the GREATEST wingman ever, and managed to get her to see me for an hour more that night.

 

We laughed, hugged, kissed and she told me once again that she loved me, at which point I told her, properly, that I love her too. It's been a long time coming and I have actually fallen for her...

 

So yeahs, we met up shortly on Tuesday, nothing special.

 

Wednesday - St. Dwynwen's Day - That's Welsh Valentine's Day to you and me - We met up, had hot chocolate in the morning and she came back to mine. We watched a film together and I walked her to her meeting for her Dissertation, and then she came back to mine. Things got heated and stuff happened as per. And then I walked her back to where she was staying.

 

Then came the text that she felt like she couldn't see me too much anymore, because she can't control herself around me. She loves me and doesn't want to hurt me, but she just hated hooking up with me and then not being able to say yes to a relationship... Needless to say, I was fairly gutted.

 

Thursday - was her final day in Lampeter until she comes back next month, and so I took her for a meal, got her flowers and chocolates and we had a lovely time. Again the whole love thing came up, and we sat, laughed and ate. Taking stuff back to where she was staying, kissing, hugging, holding hands and we went down the Cmwanne. Near the end of the night she said that she was afraid to hurt me, because more than likely she'll move on faster than I will.... Yet then when we said goodbye at the Kings Head, she told me that she loved me, didn't want to lose that, that she would miss me and that she'd keep in touch like usual, before we finally kissed, embraced and I went back to mine.

 

 

Now it's been 3 days and she feels distant and hardly talks at all to me... It might be petty but the number of x's on the ends of texts has decreased and the amount of time she calls me has gone down too.... Then she threw a spanner in the works on Friday night during a call telling me that she loves me...

 

 

I just don't know what to do.... One minute she's hot, next she's cold... I feel like I'm just torturing myself waiting for her to text me, or talk to me and I just... Don't know anymore... We're practically in a relationship, yet we're not... She's on and she's off. And I just feel like that I'm the one who's going to be hurt the most out of this situation....

 

What should I do?

[Randox]

I think she's moved on, but is trying to hide that from you as long as possible, to sort of ween you off of her or something. She's already pretty much strait up told you that she isn't willing to be in a relationship with you, so I think its time to back off and let her go.

[Ezkaton]

I think she's moved on, but is trying to hide that from you as long as possible, to sort of ween you off of her or something. She's already pretty much strait up told you that she isn't willing to be in a relationship with you, so I think its time to back off and let her go.

 

Whilst I agree in part to the letting go thing, I do have to say that I knew a relationship wasn't going to happen after the last time she came down... However, if she's trying to ween me off and has moved on, why has she been and is she still telling me that she loves me? Kinda setting me up for an even greater fall....

[Randox]

My best guess is that she can't help herself. She realizes that she's hurting you by being distant, and then goes all 'hit' to try and compensate for it. Or she realizes that she is pushing you away, has second thoughts, and tries to get you back. Probably something along those lines.

 

Under the assumption that she really does love you, and I have no reason to believe otherwise, then cutting things off with you (which is pretty much inevitable since I doubt you'll both ever be 'just friends'), or at least really killing the relationship once and for all (if you do try to stick it out and get to the top of 'just friends mountain'), is going to be as hard for her as it is for you. Even if she moves on, that doesn't necessarily kill the feelings she has for you (some people seem to only ever have feelings for one person at a time, but since she admitted to having a crush on you at the same time that she used to have a boyfriend, that would not seem to be the case here).

 

It might eventually be up to you to kill this thing if she can't control herself.

 

And yeah, that does kind of contradict my first sentence up there, but I guess that's what happens when I give it more thoughts. ^This makes more sense^

[muggiwhplar]

Terminate the friendship/relationship. It'll make you stronger in the long run. You can always "restart" it after a few/several months when the feelings have subsided on both sides.

 

Tested extensively.

[RpgGamer]

[spoiler=Last post.]

Right it's been a while since I last posted on here really methinks :3 Anyways... I have a... Situation...

 

There's a woman who I've had a massive crush on for about a year and a half now. I'd generally see her out and about on the Open Mic night at the King's Head on Tuesday's and at the Folk Night at the Cmwanne on Thursday's and then around campus whenever. But circumstances have never really allowed for anything to be said or done apart from just hanging out, texting and meeting up at the pubs.

 

But one thing has kind lead to another... She's a Masters student and is in the second year of her MA which is dissertation year and therefore she hardly needs to be in Lampeter, so she spends most of her time living at home in London. Last term (October to December) she came back to Lampeter and needed a place to stay so I offered that she could crash at mine as I had an air bed and didn't mind sleeping on the floor (because TBH air beds are cool). We met up, went for dinner, and she confessed that she had had a massive crush on me too for the best part of the year and a half and didn't know what I felt, and the fact that she had had a boyfriend during this time didn't help matters in that department. So we head back to mine, and we kiss... And then we end up sleeping together. She then has to go the next day as she's meeting other people and has to go back home, and we figured that it was a one night stand thing (which is against what I really ever do :S).

 

Anyways... We texted and called and skyped a lot over the past few months and she came back to Lampeter last week. Last Tuesday we met up down the Kings (them Open Mic night lulz) and she came back to mine, things escalated again etc, she stayed over again etc and then went in the morning so I could finish my essay... Finally we met up one last time on Thursday at the Cmwanne, and progressed to the Kings. I decided to call it a night at about 1ish, and told her I was leaving, we walked to the door of the pub hugged, kissed and then hugged again at which point I said "I'll miss you". We then had a quick chat about random things, hugged one last time before I left at which point she said "I love you". Then I said "pardon?" and she, shocked, said "nothing, I didn't say anything...." And we went off.

 

She's coming back to Lampeter on Sunday and will be until Thursday. We're still texting, and I broached the subject but she avoided it. We may well be going for a meal on Tuesday or Wednesday.... But I don't really know what to do :S Do I broach the subject at dinner, or do she and I just bury that and get on with it?

 

Problem is she doesn't want to have a long-distance relationship because things can become tense if the other person becomes clingy etc, and she told me herself she would become clingy during it and she can't cope with being that dependent on someone...

 

Sooooo yeahs.

 

 

tl;dr: Girl I've had a crush on for a year and a half has had a crush on me too, we've hooked up a few times, last time she was down she told me she loves me but she can't/wont/doesn't want to do a long-distance relationship.... What do?

 

 

 

 

 

OK.... So.... Martha came back to Lampeter last Monday. We met up on the Monday and we kissed and smiled and flirted; however, we mostly spent time with my hallmates. She had actually gone to dinner with someone else because he too liked her, but she didn't like him like that and so just went to let him down nicely and they both ended up coming down to spend time with my corridor. He walked her home, and when I was back in the kitchen I was told to go after her, and not let the woman I like slip out of my arms. So yeahs, one of my friends is the GREATEST wingman ever, and managed to get her to see me for an hour more that night.

 

We laughed, hugged, kissed and she told me once again that she loved me, at which point I told her, properly, that I love her too. It's been a long time coming and I have actually fallen for her...

 

So yeahs, we met up shortly on Tuesday, nothing special.

 

Wednesday - St. Dwynwen's Day - That's Welsh Valentine's Day to you and me - We met up, had hot chocolate in the morning and she came back to mine. We watched a film together and I walked her to her meeting for her Dissertation, and then she came back to mine. Things got heated and stuff happened as per. And then I walked her back to where she was staying.

 

Then came the text that she felt like she couldn't see me too much anymore, because she can't control herself around me. She loves me and doesn't want to hurt me, but she just hated hooking up with me and then not being able to say yes to a relationship... Needless to say, I was fairly gutted.

 

Thursday - was her final day in Lampeter until she comes back next month, and so I took her for a meal, got her flowers and chocolates and we had a lovely time. Again the whole love thing came up, and we sat, laughed and ate. Taking stuff back to where she was staying, kissing, hugging, holding hands and we went down the Cmwanne. Near the end of the night she said that she was afraid to hurt me, because more than likely she'll move on faster than I will.... Yet then when we said goodbye at the Kings Head, she told me that she loved me, didn't want to lose that, that she would miss me and that she'd keep in touch like usual, before we finally kissed, embraced and I went back to mine.

 

 

Now it's been 3 days and she feels distant and hardly talks at all to me... It might be petty but the number of x's on the ends of texts has decreased and the amount of time she calls me has gone down too.... Then she threw a spanner in the works on Friday night during a call telling me that she loves me...

 

 

I just don't know what to do.... One minute she's hot, next she's cold... I feel like I'm just torturing myself waiting for her to text me, or talk to me and I just... Don't know anymore... We're practically in a relationship, yet we're not... She's on and she's off. And I just feel like that I'm the one who's going to be hurt the most out of this situation....

 

What should I do?

 

 

I think she's trying [and failing] to detatch herself from you, and by telling you that she'll move on faster she'll convince herself of the same. This is one of those rare occasions where I may want to say you should pursue her harder [though I wouldn't go for the relationship until she finds some stability of location/lifestyle]