"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[muggiwhplar]

Case study: my mom had me when she was 42 and I'm pretty awesome! :P

 

Insert inappropriate joke about you having down's syndrome here

 

lol I was expecting someone to say that, I just didn't know who :P

 

I also thought about inappropriately posting a pic of someone with downs syndrome in the RL pic thread and claiming it was me immediately after that post.

[Omar]

Totes innapropes.

[Ginger_Warrior]

Growing up and having to deal with real responsibilities is one of my biggest fears in life. I actually had a conversation about that with my dad two days ago. Told him that subconsciously i think that is the reason ive been taking so long to complete my course. I'm scared of growing up and having to deal with real life.

That's an anxiety shared by a hell of a lot of people approaching the end of their education. No statement seemed to terrorize the people I met this year more than "So, what are you planning on doing after uni?"

 

My advice for anyone facing general, free-floating fear like that is to put it all down on paper, prioritize which fears are most important, or which fears are central, and work out a plan from there. The first thing you have to do is define exactly what you're fearful of, otherwise any action you take may as well be random.

[RpgGamer]

Noxx, G550, whatever you're going by these days: No one says you're moving in with her tomorrow, but if you're truly serious about the relationship it shouldn't be an issue to live with her. It'll be awkward and new and different for the first few weeks, but that's how it is when you move in with anybody you've not previously lived with. Being able to live together sounds like the make or break of your relationship with her, and putting off doing it isn't helping anyone's case.

--

As for myself, my latest crazy ex added me on facebook again. I laughed heartily in my drunken state and checked up on my okcupid presence. Talking to new girl now. Oh, and my other ex is coming to town with her new fiance to have him meet all her old friends from 'round here. Not looking forward to that.

[constrictor]

Noxx, G550, whatever you're going by these days: No one says you're moving in with her tomorrow, but if you're truly serious about the relationship it shouldn't be an issue to live with her. It'll be awkward and new and different for the first few weeks, but that's how it is when you move in with anybody you've not previously lived with. Being able to live together sounds like the make or break of your relationship with her, and putting off doing it isn't helping anyone's case.

--

As for myself, my latest crazy ex added me on facebook again. I laughed heartily in my drunken state and checked up on my okcupid presence. Talking to new girl now. Oh, and my other ex is coming to town with her new fiance to have him meet all her old friends from 'round here. Not looking forward to that.

 

 

Your old ex sounds like such a square.

[RpgGamer]

oh [garden tool] [garden tool] if you want to hear the juiciness, just look back in my post history a bit to pick up a hint or two. some real Facockdtah shit right thurr

[MuffinMaddy]

My predicament is funny. I don't even see it as much of a problem, it's just so common that this would be my situation that I actually laugh at it now.

 

I've had a whole year to like this guy in my Chemistry class, and I have just gotten along with him splendidly, shared jokes and worked together through problems or homework in class. Outside of Chemistry we aren't in the same social group, but things have stayed cordial. There was nothing really special about us apart from our shared sense of humour, which is generally Schadenfreude.

 

This basically has gone on for a year and I didn't like him in any way other than a friend from Chemistry, but then we had a party in late May, and he said I looked fabulous which is going to sound absolutely pathetic, but I was actually so pleased with it because it was obviously an alcoholically charged compliment, but nevertheless, it was a compliment which isn't something I normally get, and especially from someone I have a reasonable relationship with, my heart warmed. To be fair I was completely off my head, but that's one of the few parts of the night that I remember. He also basically showered me with compliments that are too inappropriate to post here...

 

I danced around, went crazy, drank some more and then went out on the balcony and he was there, and I remember stroking his face, after which he came and sat next to me. I leaned on him and I think he told me that I was very drunk, and I was saying "I'm sooo not drunk" repetitively and he recorded me with his phone saying that (probably as proof) but it was alright and two friends of mine were there and the four of us were just chatting drunkly. I had too short an attention span to stay in one place for too long so I ran out and danced to the Macarena. After that, he got off with one of the girls we were with twice which is all well and good, but now I like him which makes things so strange for me as I never had before, and what a silly time to start liking someone, as I never had before.

 

Maybe my brain just trolls me. But he's hosting a party at his place at the end of the month which he's invited me to, which is nice; and yesterday was the first time we'd spoken in person since the last party and throughout the whole conversation we were both just smirking the whole way through for no apparent reason and it was so ridiculously cheesy. My friend was a bit confused, and to be fair I don't even know what we were smiling at, but it was a bit weird as it wasn't even the party that we were talking about. He showed me the video he took which wasn't very bad it was just drunken rambling, and today he made a few jokes with me, and talked to me a lot more than usual. It was nice because it was natural. But I've texted him tonight and he replies really quickly, but with one liners which effectively end the conversation - they aren't awkward it's just kind of difficult to sustain conversation but I really like him out of nowhere and I don't know whether the other girl likes him or not (If she does I'd be more than happy to let go) but if she doesn't I don't feel like there's any harm in trying, but I don't know how/don't want to make a fool of myself before his party.

 

Tl;dr: I like this guy that I've had a year to like. We flirt noticeably but school is over. Party at his house in a few weeks. What do.

[MuffinMaddy]

If your willing to let go cause the other girl likes him you probably arent that into him anyways.

 

Tell him your situation and that your over it and then decide whether or not to go based on how he reacts.

I think it's less that, but more like I have too much of a conscience with things like this. I would never try to steal a guy off another girl. I don't like to be catty, even if I didn't like the girl, I wouldn't try prising the guy off them, if he liked the other person fair and square. I'm a believer in fairness with these things.

 

I do like him, but I can detatch easily if the girl likes him and he likes her.

I'll see how the next few weeks go, and his party.

[Ginger_Warrior]

Sex and alcohol. Lethal combination. From what you've said, it looks like you only started to see him as "something more" when he paid compliments to you, and I think you said that's something you struggle with because you feel as though you shouldn't expect compliments. Would you agree?

[MuffinMaddy]

Sex and alcohol. Lethal combination. From what you've said, it looks like you only started to see him as "something more" when he paid compliments to you, and I think you said that's something you struggle with because you feel as though you shouldn't expect compliments. Would you agree?

 

It's a fair comment, but it made me realise how well we actually get along on the basic level. As friends, whereas the guy I liked before, we got along, but more because he was just overly friendly to people in general. However, this guy is less outgoing, and we have the same sense of humour, both like Chemistry, and would get along outside of class if we were in the same circles probably. I'm not going to lie, I was super chuffed - partially because I was drunk but partially because he's just not that kind of guy. Though drunk, it was like 'Wow! A compliment from him?!?!' And especially as it was someone I get along with, I valued it more than the recycled little 'You look so nice Maddy!'

 

but also, if I like someone, they generally are the type that are aesthetically pleasing but haven't got much going for them upstairs, when actually prefer them to be smarter than me (maybe both in common sense and intellectually), because then I feel like I gain something from spending time with them. With the guy I liked before it was like smalltalk and that was it. There wasn't much more than his face that I genuinely liked about spending time with him; Whereas I can actually laugh and have a deeper conversation with this new person which I find a more attractive trait. It doesn't really matter to me that he's not conventionally good looking, he's not bad either. It's the personality that is really shining through at this point.

 

Yes, the alcohol might be a contributing factor, but I'm sober now, and have been for two weeks and I still like him.

[RpgGamer]

Using "if you can let him go you never really cared" as a means to justify excluding yourself from the situation implies that you have to over care in the initial stages of a relationship, often manifesting itself as "oneitis".

 

Let's take a different approach:

 

Muffin: you got along with a dude. he was nice to you. now you're into him. You're into nice dudes. That's a nice thing. Don't turn every compliment into a relationship. You'll drive yourself and most folk around you mad. Find more people who are nice to you, and stick to those who are; I worry about your self esteem.

[MuffinMaddy]

Using "if you can let him go you never really cared" as a means to justify excluding yourself from the situation implies that you have to over care in the initial stages of a relationship, often manifesting itself as "oneitis".

 

Let's take a different approach:

 

Muffin: you got along with a dude. he was nice to you. now you're into him. You're into nice dudes. That's a nice thing. Don't turn every compliment into a relationship. You'll drive yourself and most folk around you mad. Find more people who are nice to you, and stick to those who are; I worry about your self esteem.

You are actually right. It's actually funny how spot-on you are. I'm not going to deny it, and I've read a few of the urban dictionary things on it, and yep it's crazy how quickly it can develop though. Another thing is though that I have too much of an overwhelming sense of doing what's right or fair. I just don't know why I can't just go for someone I like without checking once twice thrice whether they like someone else, am I too late, why would they ever like me, are they dating, does anyone else like them etc. By the time I've cleared all of that air I'm still never convinced that they'd like me, and if they don't I'm fine with it etc because that's what I expected in the first place. I'm just not the kind of person to actually pursue someone unless I'm absolutely absolutely sure that it's mutual but that won't stop me from going crazy in my head. "Don't turn every compliment into a relationship." is so right, I just went/am still crazy straight up.

[Ginger_Warrior]

Another thing is though that I have too much of an overwhelming sense of doing what's right or fair. I just don't know why I can't just go for someone I like without checking once twice thrice whether they like someone else, am I too late, why would they ever like me, are they dating, does anyone else like them etc.

Would confirm RPG's suspicions about your self-esteem, particularly the reaction "why would they ever like me". Honestly, if I asked you to list ten qualities men would find attractive about you, and then ten reasons men might not like you, which would you find easier?

[MuffinMaddy]

Another thing is though that I have too much of an overwhelming sense of doing what's right or fair. I just don't know why I can't just go for someone I like without checking once twice thrice whether they like someone else, am I too late, why would they ever like me, are they dating, does anyone else like them etc.

Would confirm RPG's suspicions about your self-esteem, particularly the reaction "why would they ever like me". Honestly, if I asked you to list ten qualities men would find attractive about you, and then ten reasons men might not like you, which would you find easier?

The latter and the reasons are so apparent

[obfuscator]

Another thing is though that I have too much of an overwhelming sense of doing what's right or fair. I just don't know why I can't just go for someone I like without checking once twice thrice whether they like someone else, am I too late, why would they ever like me, are they dating, does anyone else like them etc.

Would confirm RPG's suspicions about your self-esteem, particularly the reaction "why would they ever like me". Honestly, if I asked you to list ten qualities men would find attractive about you, and then ten reasons men might not like you, which would you find easier?

The latter and the reasons are so apparent

 

Yet I imagine that your average man would find it much easier to come up with 10 likable qualities for the average woman than 10 unlikable ones...

[MuffinMaddy]

Another thing is though that I have too much of an overwhelming sense of doing what's right or fair. I just don't know why I can't just go for someone I like without checking once twice thrice whether they like someone else, am I too late, why would they ever like me, are they dating, does anyone else like them etc.

Would confirm RPG's suspicions about your self-esteem, particularly the reaction "why would they ever like me". Honestly, if I asked you to list ten qualities men would find attractive about you, and then ten reasons men might not like you, which would you find easier?

The latter and the reasons are so apparent

 

Yet I imagine that your average man would find it much easier to come up with 10 likable qualities for the average woman than 10 unlikable ones...

I'm sure the same could be said for the average woman finding it easier to come up with 10 likable qualities for the average man than 10 unlikable ones?

It's just different when it's not you in question I find.

[obfuscator]

Another thing is though that I have too much of an overwhelming sense of doing what's right or fair. I just don't know why I can't just go for someone I like without checking once twice thrice whether they like someone else, am I too late, why would they ever like me, are they dating, does anyone else like them etc.

Would confirm RPG's suspicions about your self-esteem, particularly the reaction "why would they ever like me". Honestly, if I asked you to list ten qualities men would find attractive about you, and then ten reasons men might not like you, which would you find easier?

The latter and the reasons are so apparent

 

Yet I imagine that your average man would find it much easier to come up with 10 likable qualities for the average woman than 10 unlikable ones...

I'm sure the same could be said for the average woman finding it easier to come up with 10 likable qualities for the average man than 10 unlikable ones?

It's just different when it's not you in question I find.

 

I could come up with reasons women might like me just as easily as reasons they might not. Don't be so hard on yourself, it's easy to overreact to one's own flaws - the important thing is to remember that everyone has flaws.

[MuffinMaddy]

Another thing is though that I have too much of an overwhelming sense of doing what's right or fair. I just don't know why I can't just go for someone I like without checking once twice thrice whether they like someone else, am I too late, why would they ever like me, are they dating, does anyone else like them etc.

Would confirm RPG's suspicions about your self-esteem, particularly the reaction "why would they ever like me". Honestly, if I asked you to list ten qualities men would find attractive about you, and then ten reasons men might not like you, which would you find easier?

The latter and the reasons are so apparent

 

Yet I imagine that your average man would find it much easier to come up with 10 likable qualities for the average woman than 10 unlikable ones...

I'm sure the same could be said for the average woman finding it easier to come up with 10 likable qualities for the average man than 10 unlikable ones?

It's just different when it's not you in question I find.

 

I could come up with reasons women might like me just as easily as reasons they might not. Don't be so hard on yourself, it's easy to overreact to one's own flaws - the important thing is to remember that everyone has flaws.

Thanks, I'll try to bear that in mind.

[constrictor]

Another thing is though that I have too much of an overwhelming sense of doing what's right or fair. I just don't know why I can't just go for someone I like without checking once twice thrice whether they like someone else, am I too late, why would they ever like me, are they dating, does anyone else like them etc.

Would confirm RPG's suspicions about your self-esteem, particularly the reaction "why would they ever like me". Honestly, if I asked you to list ten qualities men would find attractive about you, and then ten reasons men might not like you, which would you find easier?

The latter and the reasons are so apparent

 

Yet I imagine that your average man would find it much easier to come up with 10 likable qualities for the average woman than 10 unlikable ones...

I'm sure the same could be said for the average woman finding it easier to come up with 10 likable qualities for the average man than 10 unlikable ones?

It's just different when it's not you in question I find.

 

I could come up with reasons women might like me just as easily as reasons they might not. Don't be so hard on yourself, it's easy to overreact to one's own flaws - the important thing is to remember that everyone has flaws.

Thanks, I'll try to bear that in mind.

 

 

And in addition to that, someone who doesn't realize that about themselves, AND YOU, isn't someone worth spending time to invest in, they'll just end up being selfish etc etc.

[RpgGamer]

hey check it out! we were constructive and productive and useful for like an entire page! bravo ladies and gents!

[muggiwhplar]

Maddy, it is completely normal to suddenly develop feelings for people whom you previously had no interest in. But the question here isn't how or why those feelings suddenly developed; the question is how strong are those feelings?

 

1. Weak feelings: you can probably "move on" at will if necessary. Meaning, this really isn't a big deal because you aren't emotionally-invested into this enough for you to become unhappy.

2. Strong feelings: now things get complicated, and I suspect that your feelings are fairly strong, or else you wouldn't be posting about this here. But fortunately you're a girl, which makes this less of an issue than if you were a guy. :thumbup:

 

Conveniently, regardless of which instance happens to be the case, the next step that you must take is still the same: get him to make a move on you (probably at the party). If he doesn't "take the bait," then cut your losses and move on. If these feelings are weak, you can probably still remain friends/acquaintances. But if these feelings are strong, then like I said things are a bit more complicated, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

[Tim]

Hopefully while im in Fiji this week I'll be able to empty my head. Ever since I came home in March I've still been daunted by memories of my ex, everything we had, and everything I gave up for him. Last night when I went to a party at first I was happy... but then when everyone hit 'that' point, I see everyone making out, or couples just hugging I snapped. I genuinely felt like I was so weak as a person, I don't deserve to have anyone like or love me. While crying and throwing up as I demolised a scotch bottle in 10 mins (which in hidesight, was insanely dangerous as I was borderlined alcohol poisoned) I had to have people hold me and look after me the entire night. That was honestly the first time I wasn't the one looking after someone, I was being looked after and I felt so... so god damn empty.

 

So I'm hoping this trip will give me the time I need to clear my head and as cliché as it sounds, clear my heart. Because I don't want to be this person anymore.

[MuffinMaddy]

Maddy, it is completely normal to suddenly develop feelings for people whom you previously had no interest in. But the question here isn't how or why those feelings suddenly developed; the question is how strong are those feelings?

 

1. Weak feelings: you can probably "move on" at will if necessary. Meaning, this really isn't a big deal because you aren't emotionally-invested into this enough for you to become unhappy.

2. Strong feelings: now things get complicated, and I suspect that your feelings are fairly strong, or else you wouldn't be posting about this here. But fortunately you're a girl, which makes this less of an issue than if you were a guy. :thumbup:

 

Conveniently, regardless of which instance happens to be the case, the next step that you must take is still the same: get him to make a move on you (probably at the party). If he doesn't "take the bait," then cut your losses and move on. If these feelings are weak, you can probably still remain friends/acquaintances. But if these feelings are strong, then like I said things are a bit more complicated, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Yeah thanks to all of you for being frank and to-the-point. One thing I don't like about some of my friends' relationship advice can just be like 'Oh yes of course he likes you, why wouldn't he?' and constantly singing praises without actually being straight up realistic about the situation. I'd say the feelings are in between weak and strong. I'm aware the timing is crappy but there are still a few opportunities to see each other, and I have the number which is always a good thing so I wouldn't have to go searching for it/formulating a way to get it from him. I think it's the personality aspect that's like 'wow' to me. The bolded line is probably what I was going to do, but I'm terrible at these things sober. However, it's his party and loads of people are coming, so I highly doubt that little me would be spending a lot of time with the party host. And then I'm shy when lots of people are around. Oh well, no point worrying about it now, I've got a while.

 

I'm happy I'm not involved in anything too deep or crazy right now, so I don't think it'd really be that hard to move on with this.

 

 

And in addition to that, someone who doesn't realize that about themselves, AND YOU, isn't someone worth spending time to invest in, they'll just end up being selfish etc etc.

Valid point

[Kalphite]

Finally had my first make-out sesh at a friend's birthday party yesterday.

 

...lol I was such a bad kisser that the chick lost interest in me afterwards when we had been cuddling for about 4 hours beforehand (we were both really high and there were too many people there to get time alone until after waiting that long). But I guess that's a given for your first time lmfao. At least it's out of the way I guess. I highly doubt I'll ever see that chick again.

[Omar]

hey check it out! we were constructive and productive and useful for like an entire page! bravo ladies and gents!

I deliberately refrained from posting. Coincidence?