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"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice


Da_Latios

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I'm actually glad to be a virgin right now. I never thought it would happen before I met this girl, but my perspective completely changed.

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Three months banishment to 9gag is something i would never wish upon anybody, not even my worst enemy.

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I'm actually glad to be a virgin right now. I never thought it would happen before I met this girl, but my perspective completely changed.

 

Coming from a fellow virgin, I agree. As much as sex is (will be) great, it doesn't make the world turn.

 

It's equally as dangerous to focus on having sex often as it is to be onesitus or whatever you called it in your blog, Muggiw.

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Interesting date. I learned a lot about her, more than I usually do on a first date. Our backgrounds are completely different; I'm more well off than her, my family is a lot more supportive than hers, she isn't interested in some of my hobbies, like reading or sports, and she has major ex boyfriend issues. Some major red flags, but I can't help but wonder what it'd be like to be with her. At first glance, I think her confidence is shot, and I really think I could help her feel good about herself, but I really don't know if I can handle her wild child ways. She pretty much drinks when she wants, and has a tattoo. Not that I mind tats, it's just odd for me bc we are both 18 and I haven't ever been with a girl who has one. Not to mention the trust issues she developed from her last relationship. The way she described it to me, it seemed she was definitely emotionally abused. Ugh, why do some guys feel the need to bring girls down.

 

Anyway, does anyone have success stories with a girl some may consider to be "damaged goods"? Sorry if this is poorly written, its past 2:00 a.m. Lol

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The way she described it to me, it seemed she was definitely emotionally abused. Ugh, why do some guys feel the need to bring girls down.

One of my friends described it as "if you make girls feel shit about themselves first, they'll be more desperate to stay around you." Generally, I've found that to be true for girls in their teens who are very confused about what a healthy relationship looks like.

 

What common interests do you have with each other? If I was looking for a way to build someone's confidence, it would be by exploring what kind of person they want to be, and what kind of things do they want to do, and generally encouraging them further down that direction.

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We both have the same immature, talkative personalities. There won't be a dull moment lol. From what I gathered, she wants to teach special education and really, really likes helping people. She definitely is in need of a healthy relationship. Which honestly somewhat scares me because if we do see each other more, which don't get me wrong, I hope we do see each other more, I'm afraid I might hurt her bc after summer we both are going to different colleges about 90 min away, and I really don't want to add to her hurt.

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We both have the same immature, talkative personalities. There won't be a dull moment lol. From what I gathered, she wants to teach special education and really, really likes helping people. She definitely is in need of a healthy relationship.

Seems like if that's something that means a lot to her, that's probably where she's going to find self-confidence from.

 

As far as college is concerned, how much of that is an assumption on your part, and how much of that has she said herself? I'd talk to her before second guessing each other.

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Well first of all, making it that far seems like a stretch to me at this point. And secondly well, I know I do NOT want to even try long distance.

 

90 minutes isnt that bad go see her like every other weekend.

Ezrelationship.

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Anyways on a more related note, I've finally gotten over a close friend who I've been having conflicting feelings about (that eventually scaled up to "oneitis") over the last ten months. Still friends with her but she did something incredibly immature that disillusioned me and helped me get over all of my romantic interest pretty much instantly. Should be a much better summer now that I don't have to waste time freaking out about that; now I just have to figure out how to meet people without school to help me out. Ah well, should be a pretty good summer anyways; not really going to focus on girls unless something comes up and just focus on myself for a while lol.

 

Okay so after this weekend I figured I'd give a follow-up on this. Basically after this post I was doing a pretty good job of trying to distance myself more from her (Kelsi), which kind of worked for a while...til I relapsed when circumstances led to me hanging out with her about four times in one week in group settings and missing the attention she'd used to give me in these scenarios (she's recently began a thing with a close friend of mine that is basically always around whenever our group gets together (Alec)).

 

For a while I was becoming kind of frustrated by how she seemed to be distancing herself from me, which every time turned into frustration at myself for feeling that for something that shouldn't even be affecting me. After talking to a couple friends about it I realized that my friendship with this girl was probably doing me more harm than good at this point, and despite how much she had helped me and how close we were in the past and how ingrained she has become in my social group, I should probably stop talking to her until I'm actually over her. I wanted to wait until after my birthday party (this upcoming Saturday) to do that though because I just didn't want to deal with any drama or having to revoke her invitation lol.

 

However, a couple more developments may have gotten rid of the need to even do that. When I was in the hospital this past week, I spent most of my time drugged up on Dilauded (stronger than morphine), which I've now learned makes me extremely overdramatic. She was planning on visiting me one of the days, but after a rather long shift on rather little sleep she ended up sleeping through he potential ride, and was supposedly too ashamed at that to even text me back that day. she explained this the following morning, and told me that she did end up hanging out with Alec, but it was much later in the night so she wasn't blowing off visiting me for him. Through my Dilauded-tinted glasses, however, I interpreted that as her not giving enough of a shit to even text me to apologize but could go hang with him no problem. I talked to one of my friends about the scenario, who pointed out a lot of her flaws to me that I had been overlooking and really stressed me moving on. That combined with the ridiculous amount of anger I felt over this minor scenario (looking back I honestly don't know what was upsetting about it so I'm blaming this on the narcotics) led me to kind of blow up at her in one of my least proud moments.

 

Thankfully I was able to fix that mess over the phone that night. I ended up throwing a party the day after I was released (Thursday) which she came to (along with many many others, 36 other people ended up coming), but that's when I noticed things changing. Like how I didn't actually have all that much to talk to her about in that kind of setting, and how she seemed a lot less attractive and much more covered in makeup than she normally was (even though she didn't actually look any different or do her makeup any differently), and how I didn't actually care when she spent most of her time there talking to him instead.

 

After this, I ended up having a pretty insane weekend. I'll leave most of the details for an upcoming post in the Today thread, but two relevant things happened. First, while high I ended up flirting a lot with some random girl there that I probably won't see again (Whitney). Nothing happened as she had a boyfriend that wasn't there, but it was a wakeup call that other girls exist and that I still am perfectly capable of flirting even though I haven't really met anyone in a long time.

 

The next day, my friend Kyle messaged me on facebook. He said that his friend Caitlin thought I was cute on facebook and had a lot of similar interests. He then sent me her profile, and she was really attractive. Like, probably just as attractive as I thought Kelsi was before I started making any actual progress. And she has already expressed interest. It was just boggling to me, as I have never really had much success and I didn't think I was honestly attractive enough for people to think that from just a profile picture. But it happened. I unfortunately will not get to meet Caitlin until August because she lives 3 hours away from me and we haven't met yet, but my friend will try to introduce us at his birthday party in August and we go to the same college.

 

With all of this on my mind, I ended up picking Kelsi up tonight to go to a friend's bonfire. After filling her in on my stories from the weekend and her telling me about some other shit that had happened, we went to the bonfire. The whole night she seemed even less attractive to me than she was on Thursday, which I am thankful for. She then decided to have Alec take her home instead of hanging out with me more after, which by this point did not even phase me.

 

So now, here I am at home. I know that this was way longer than I originally wanted it to be, but I think I've made some real progress. I got way too needy with her. She rejected me over last summer, but I kept hanging out with her anyways because our personalities clicked so well, and she grew to be the closest friend I've ever had and really helped me with a lot of personal problems I had throughout that semester. All of that led to me getting some pretty nasty oneitis for her, even though I knew that she told me she would never be interested in more than a close friendship ("I think you're attractive, but I'm not attracted to you"). Her being my closest friend didn't really help that from coming on either. However, this made me get way too needy, as a lot of these stories probably showed (I honestly was embarrassed to type out the parts about getting angry at the situation because I know how pathetic it is, but I know that anything that isn't 100% honest on here is pretty useless). It made me just crave the attention she used to give me before she started talking to Alec, which led to me being petty. However, I think the events of this past weekend really did help with my self-confidence and with realizing that there are other girls that I can find to be as physically attractive as her. I think I am legitimately over her, or if not at the very least I'm incredibly close.

 

Now I guess, if anyone is still reading at this point, what I want to know is: Should I still break off talking to her for a while to make sure I'm completely over everything, or does that seem unnecessary now? I honestly feel like I've gotten her off that pedestal a lot and am on the right track, but maybe I'm blinding myself again. Also, any other opinions on how to handle this situation are welcome. As overly long as this post was, I did still leave out an immense amount of detail for brevity's sake, so I can elaborate on anything necessary.

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Give it a little while longer, so that she isn't confused about what's going on.

 

Personally, a part of me really wants what happened to you to happen to me with my "relationship" or whatever the hell you want to call it.

 

Maybe at college this fall.

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The nice thing I suppose is that many of us on the thread who will chip in with advice are speaking from our own experiences. We all have our moments when we are petty or what have you, none of us are really in a position to judge.

 

If you should stop talking to her is really a decision best made by you, if you are capable of being honest with yourself. My question you would be, why are you over her?

 

The key here would be to make sure you are not just creating apathy our of anger or frustration, because that's not something you can or want to sustain long term. To me, it sounds like perhaps the last week or two has put you through some perspectives (drug fueled or not) that have forced you to look at things in a different light, and now that you are back to normal, some of that has carried over. Just take some minutes to do some soul searching, make sure that's really what it is.

 

Though this obviously varies by person, I would take being attracted to another person (as a potential lover, not just acknowledging that she is attractive to you) as a good sign. In my experience, many people who become obsessed with someone do so at the expense of their attraction to pretty much anyone else, so being able to do that generally bodes well.

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Anyway, does anyone have success stories with a girl some may consider to be "damaged goods"? Sorry if this is poorly written, its past 2:00 a.m. Lol

 

Me personally? No.

Have I seen it happen? Yes.

 

My male friend and my female friend have been together for nearly a year now, and have probably my favorite relationship out of any of my friends ever. She's the 2nd of 6 kids from a low income family and essentially raised herself and her younger siblings. She used to have issues of getting drunk and ending up in random places. And what some may consider a drug issue. He's an heir to a major company and used to drink himself into oblivion everyday just out of boredom, and also dabbled in some really hard drug use. Now they're both normal ass functioning people, looking to grow the [bleep] up. He still drinks a bit, but just socially, and she's completely clean now, doesn't even smoke. Both have 2 jobs now, and he's working on getting his career started.

 

So yes, "damaged goods" are still goods. I'd even venture to say more so than non-damaged.

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Being the type of person I am, I kind of am growing to like the role of repairing her damage. Now granted I'd never tell her I think she's broken because that would more or less start WWIII and in no way would be good for her self-confidence. Nonetheless, I like how this is going. Picking up the pieces in someone's life and helping put them back together again has been more or less the best thing I've done for another person in a long time.

 

And @muggi, do you have a post that would help me explain the polyamorous lifestyle to her?

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Being the type of person I am, I kind of am growing to like the role of repairing her damage. Now granted I'd never tell her I think she's broken because that would more or less start WWIII and in no way would be good for her self-confidence. Nonetheless, I like how this is going. Picking up the pieces in someone's life and helping put them back together again has been more or less the best thing I've done for another person in a long time.

 

If that's more or less the best thing you've done, and you love doing it, great! Do it to friends.

 

Don't do it to a significant other, because it will destroy your relationship, and the vast majority of the time you won't finish the job.

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"It's not a rest for me, it's a rest for the weights." - Dom Mazzetti

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What will happen when you've "fixed" her, if the relationship is based on you "fixing" her? Wouldn't the premise of the relationship fall apart? Surely at that point, you'd have to admit to yourself that you can't offer anything more to her, and let her go to enjoy her life.

 

I can understand the thrill and the satisfaction of helping people. I do it day in, day out; as a care assistant, as a student nurse, as a volunteer first aider, as a friend. It does my self-esteem absolute wonders. But it isn't something I'd do romantically, because a) it's expected that romantic partners act that way in the first place; and b) it isn't something that would keep me with another person in the long-term. As soon as I've helped them to the point that they no longer need my help, there's no longer a need for either of us to be in that relationship, unless there's something else keeping us together.

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What will happen when you've "fixed" her, if the relationship is based on you "fixing" her?

 

Wouldn't the premise of the relationship fall apart? Surely at that point, you'd have to admit to yourself that you can't offer anything more to her, and let her go to enjoy her life.

 

Relationships work better when you have something to work towards or a common interest. Working on bettering her is a great thing to do that I would recommend in nearly all relationships.

 

I have three girlfriends, and so I think I know what I'm on about. One of them has this fitness problem and I'm working with her to improve it.

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Being the type of person I am, I kind of am growing to like the role of repairing her damage. Now granted I'd never tell her I think she's broken because that would more or less start WWIII and in no way would be good for her self-confidence. Nonetheless, I like how this is going. Picking up the pieces in someone's life and helping put them back together again has been more or less the best thing I've done for another person in a long time.

 

If that's more or less the best thing you've done, and you love doing it, great! Do it to friends.

 

Don't do it to a significant other, because it will destroy your relationship, and the vast majority of the time you won't finish the job.

 

I think her and I have established some bounds and we both realize this is just a platonic relationship at this point in time.

What will happen when you've "fixed" her, if the relationship is based on you "fixing" her?

 

Wouldn't the premise of the relationship fall apart? Surely at that point, you'd have to admit to yourself that you can't offer anything more to her, and let her go to enjoy her life.

 

See above. But yeah, if we were continuing to be romantic it'd be only a matter of time until the impending implosion.

I don't think I've ever actually written any posts like that on here... whenever I mention poly stuff it's usually when debating since AFAIK no one here's really interested in it. Here's a brief post about it by BD though:

 

http://blackdragonbl...hips-explained/

 

I am extremely interested in attempting poly. Especially since I start college in August and that will be an ideal place to try. And that was a perfect read, thank you!!

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I didn't say that relationships shouldn't be mutually beneficial. That's obvious.

 

What I said was that it shouldn't form the basis of a romantic relationship. The fact you said "I'm working with her to improve it" proves my point; it's an inherently unequal relationship, and one that is therefore doomed from the outset.

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What will happen when you've "fixed" her, if the relationship is based on you "fixing" her?

 

Wouldn't the premise of the relationship fall apart? Surely at that point, you'd have to admit to yourself that you can't offer anything more to her, and let her go to enjoy her life.

 

Relationships work better when you have something to work towards or a common interest. Working on bettering her is a great thing to do that I would recommend in nearly all relationships.

 

I have three girlfriends, and so I think I know what I'm on about. One of them has this fitness problem and I'm working with her to improve it.

 

Like traditional girlfriends, or fwb's?

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Oh, how lovely. You're just proving your credentials right there with "I just don't tell them." So you're completely disregarding their feelings and their values so you can hold three relationships down at the same time. Muggi, as much as I find faults with polyamory, at least recognises that that should be common knowledge between both partners.

 

Clearly, it's a very trustworthy relationship if you haven't told them.

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Oh, how lovely. You're just proving your credentials right there with "I just don't tell them." So you're completely disregarding their feelings and their values so you can hold three relationships down at the same time. Muggi, as much as I find faults with polyamory, at least recognises that that should be common knowledge between both partners.

 

Clearly, it's a very trustworthy relationship if you haven't told them.

 

I think you're actually being rather offensive in your delivery of this, and though I shouldn't have to explain myself to somebody who is being abusive over the internet I will go ahead:

 

I am not disregarding anything, I am just secure in my knowledge that they will very likely never find out. While they might not like it if they find out, they won't so it's not actually hurting anybody's feelings.

 

And they trust me, and I trust them.

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