"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[RpgGamer]

The rule at my college is you can add your students after the final grades are posted for your class. His class happened to have ended last night, so the first thing I did was email him about going to the bar instead of going to class, then I added him on facebook. And somehow I forgot I was straight and ended up hitting on him haha. This is why I never get high usually.

[constrictor]

The rule at my college is you can add your students after the final grades are posted for your class. His class happened to have ended last night, so the first thing I did was email him about going to the bar instead of going to class, then I added him on facebook. And somehow I forgot I was straight and ended up hitting on him haha. This is why I never get high usually.

 

Young or old, Professor?

You Bi-curious [bleep]. <3:

 

May or may not be typing up my relationship-drama-story-bull-shit.

[constrictor]

nasty double post:

 

 

Well..story time I guess? Just as a warning, I am kind of brain dumping here so it may or may not be coherent throughout. And most likely will be a tl;dr, but whatever.

 

Just as a precursor, I am younger than most of you (17), turning 18 this June; I do not think I am even close to "wise" or smart or whatever, I can be stupid, ignorant, selfish, fill-in-the-blank, on many occasions and you will see it often in my "tale", so just a warning. Haha. Oh, also I am home schooled (or was, since I graduate this coming 18th of May), so some of what I explain may sound weird or whatever, feel free to ask about that as well, if you want.

 

"Relationships" have kind of been an on/off thing for me my entire highschool years. However, in the first two years they were just utter lies (e.g. boy likes girl, girl likes boy, to young/stupid to know what to do and thus doesn't do anything about, thus wasting time and attention, blah blah etc etc). Anyways. I guess, relationship-wise, the complete story begins in..December 2011. Damn, it really was a long time ago, or at least it feels like it.

 

So, throughout 2011, I had been "interested" in this girl, let's call her Lynn, at the local co-op (homeschool-ese for a place were I took classes once a week, similar style to college, but easier). However, around June 2011, she told me that she couldn't "like" me anymore because she was dedicating her heart too much, etc. etc. - was a real [wagon]. So, we stopped talking for like a month-ish. On the 22nd, she suprises me with a few of my close friends and we go do something for my birthday. Was dull and the entire time we were trying to not be interested in each other, it just was a complete cluster[bleep]. But life moved on, I still liked her on-and-off for like 5 months, while she quickly moved on to 2 or 3 other guys.

Ok, fast-froward to December. We get in a big argument, and I entirely stop talking to her (finally grew a pair, or so I thought - in the long run this was a brilliant decision).

 

Meanwhile, one of my best friends, call him Andrew, asks me and one of my close-ish friends, call her Erin, (one of those friends who you don't see often but when you do talk/see each other you consider them a brother/sister, can tell them anything, you know) if we can help him pick out a Christmas gift for his girlfriend (conveniently Erin's bestfriend). So, we go to the mall, all is great and all blah blah, but Erin is acting all cuddly and just generally giving off indicators of interest.

 

My first thought is to be careful, seeing as I had just gotten out of a "relationship" (though it definitely wasn't a relationship, but I had an open position for a close female friend, if that makes sense), and to not rebound. So I essentially ignored it.

 

Over the next few months, because of that one shopping trip, Erin and I begin to talk more/hangout more. However, I was essentially oblivious to anything, and kept telling myself she could/wouldn't ever be interested in me and that I was in her friendzone (which I was for a time), overall just have a victimizing complex about it all, being stupid and [kitty]-like.

 

So it's now April, 2012. I have decided in my mind, regardless of if I'm in Erin's friendzone or not, I may as well try for it.

 

We are almost exclusively hanging out with Andrew and his girlfriend, the four of us (this should have raised my first warning flag), and one night when we're all hanging out and Andrew's girlfriend says something along the lines of "you guys need to just get it out and stop hiding it, I know you and Erin like each other" blah blah. Essentially stealing my thunder. To my surprise (and at the time happiness), I discovered she actually was interested in me. Anyways, so I had prom at the end of the month with a different girl besides Erin (she didn't have time/want to go, so I asked someone else), and thought it'd be weird to ask Erin out before that "date". So May 2nd after a prom, I asked Erin out (she said yes of course).

 

All is dandy. We're honeymooning quite hard (lots of time together, entirely "selfless" about what we both want, trying to please the other, you know the whole 9 yards). But within 2 months of us dating, the like outwardness of her "interest" in me was already beginning to dwindle (if that makes sense, like general enjoying being in my presence, seeing if I want to go places with her and her friends) - this was just an observation, personally I don't know if this was good or bad. Anyways, so it's the end of July now, and we are both invited to go on this one week camping trip with about 15 other kids around our age. We say what the hell, and go for it.

 

Here's were I realized how much she'd moved away. By the end of the week I literally wasn't even sure if she thought we were dating anymore (not breaking up with her afterwards = probably my biggest mistake). So, we get back from this trip and I immediately tell her we need to talk (because communication is good, right?). So we talk, blah blah, she says she was being a real [bleep] and didn't know how to act in all the different situations, I told her she wasn't being a [bleep] and general kissed ass, we made up and kept dating. Note to future me from past me: DO NOT DO THIS AGAIN.

 

So, this escalated quickly from here. Within the next month, I had alot of firsts (first boob touch, etc.). Blah blah, alot of physical testing (not knowing where our boundaries are with each other, etc etc). Our good friends, Andrew and his girlfriend break up, 2 weeks later Erin tells me she wants to spend the next few days not talking so she can think (lol few days). Like 20 hours later she texts me and tells me to come over the next day.

Next day, she breaks up with me.

 

Initially was expecting it, and didn't really care. Felt freeing.

 

A month later, the families we are connect with all have a big reunion/get away at a hotel in PA (it's November now) and I spend a weekend hangout with her and all of our interconnected friends. This is when things begin to hit, you know, the general time when you would be mad at your Ex and get a rebound. Well anyways, so the tension is quite high, and in it's now December, we are talking on a pretty frequent basis (probably texting every other day), and it's Christmas eve.

 

She, another friend of ours, and myself go to watch a movie at our friends house and she is all touchy-feely. Like way more than ever. She asks if I can drive her home, and I didn't want to be a dick, and so I did. She pretty much just breaks down as I'm dropping her off, and becomes a crying mess. I work it out with her and she leaves.

 

A week later it happens again, minus the crying mess part. A week after that she stops talking to me. No reason or explanation, just essentially ignored my existence. This continued until about February of this year.

In February I talked to her again and asked her if she'd go out with me, since I was tired of the bull shit emotional rollercoaster and wanted something that I knew was at least somewhat steady (since with us not dating I didn't know what was to far for me to do, etc). She says no.

 

Middle of March. I decide (thanks to some of the things you guys said in here actually) that I need to just stop talking to her entirely/be cold in conversations, etc. and essentially since then Erin and I have barely talked. On occasion, but not much.

 

Not really sure what to say now. But yeah.

 

tl; dr

shit ton of drama

insanely bipolar girl

boy puts up with a lot

boy is very selfish at times

boy and girl on/off like each other

girl on/off uses boy for emotional fulfillment

boy decides to ditch the bullshit

[Estonian dude]

Well, correct choice for you. Should have moved on a long time ago already.

[constrictor]

Well, correct choice for you. Should have moved on a long time ago already.

 

Yes, I am NOW aware of this. She's just really hot. So. Physical attraction tends to overwhelm good sense.

[RpgGamer]

Well, correct choice for you. Should have moved on a long time ago already.

 

Yes, I am NOW aware of this. She's just really hot. So. Physical attraction tends to overwhelm good sense.

 

Suddenly it makes sense why you like so many of my posts.

 

EDIT:

 

I don't consider myself bi-curious, but open minded. I don't see myself doing anything more than kissing a guy. My professor is getting his phD in queer theory, and he's only 26. Pretty boy type. I'm chalking it up to me just liking flirting with people on facebook though.

[constrictor]

Well, correct choice for you. Should have moved on a long time ago already.

 

Yes, I am NOW aware of this. She's just really hot. So. Physical attraction tends to overwhelm good sense.

 

Suddenly it makes sense why you like so many of my posts.

 

EDIT:

 

I don't consider myself bi-curious, but open minded. I don't see myself doing anything more than kissing a guy. My professor is getting his phD in queer theory, and he's only 26. Pretty boy type. I'm chalking it up to me just liking flirting with people on facebook though.

 

Yeah we're more similar than not..possibly.

 

I don't think I could ever kiss a guy, or generally flirt with them, honestly. Guys are dunces.

 

Interesting, seems like quite the derdeder. Go for it.

 

 

But still, 26 and almost a PhD. Damn.

[RpgGamer]

Last year was when I came to this thread with a problem likely posed/shrouded by a question: "whats the deal on dating co-workers?"

 

[tl;dr]story irrelevant[/tl;dr]

 

she's single again, and i've talked on and off with her for the past month or so, but like real rarely. I don't feel like she's interested really, but I suppose I should try to find out shouldn't I? No she doesn't work with me anymore, and she's moved back to my end of the state after she broke up with her boyfriend not super long ago.

 

But here I am talking about this again like I'm some kind of magnet where I always need to be chasing after some girl.

 

i want to type more by my brain went numb, so maybe i'll add to this thought when i'm more sober/awake/andshit.

[constrictor]

What happened to the girl with the kid?

[RpgGamer]

What happened to the girl with the kid?

 

I asked her to come out for a date twice, and she shot me down both times. She wants to maybe meet up with me at Warped Tour, but that's not til July. I thought I made a post about that, but I might be thinking of tumblr. Basically, she's not showing me very strong signs of interest, and I don't really feel like putting that much effort in for everything to just be a cluster[bleep] of scheduling issues. I talked to her last night though and she told me to start watching Soul Eater, which I watched an episode of. It was decent I guess.

[Ginger_Warrior]

If she wanted to, she'd have met up. She's not interested. But I'm sure you know there's plenty of others out there. ;)

[RpgGamer]

If she wanted to, she'd have met up. She's not interested. But I'm sure you know there's plenty of others out there. ;)

 

Indeed. It's tough to tell if she was using her kid as an excuse or if she really couldn't find anyone to watch him when I asked her out, but generally I'm not getting the vibe that she's all that interested, and I'm not super inclined to try to change her mind.

[constrictor]

Though, let's be real, Warped Tour will be awesome.

 

I hope I can go this year.

[Omar]

Wrong thread, but BMSR is awesome.

[Kalphite]

Wrong thread, but BMSR is awesome.

 

LOL. oops. awkward. But yeah.

 

Anyways on a more related note, I've finally gotten over a close friend who I've been having conflicting feelings about (that eventually scaled up to "oneitis") over the last ten months. Still friends with her but she did something incredibly immature that disillusioned me and helped me get over all of my romantic interest pretty much instantly. Should be a much better summer now that I don't have to waste time freaking out about that; now I just have to figure out how to meet people without school to help me out. Ah well, should be a pretty good summer anyways; not really going to focus on girls unless something comes up and just focus on myself for a while lol.

[muggiwhplar]

Wrong thread, but BMSR is awesome.

 

LOL. oops. awkward. But yeah.

 

Anyways on a more related note, I've finally gotten over a close friend who I've been having conflicting feelings about (that eventually scaled up to "oneitis") over the last ten months. Still friends with her but she did something incredibly immature that disillusioned me and helped me get over all of my romantic interest pretty much instantly. Should be a much better summer now that I don't have to waste time freaking out about that; now I just have to figure out how to meet people without school to help me out. Ah well, should be a pretty good summer anyways; not really going to focus on girls unless something comes up and just focus on myself for a while lol.

 

Online dating. :thumbup:

[Estonian dude]

First off, why the [bleep] am I in RPG's siggy?

 

And secondly, I got me a new target. This one is almost purely from blank, didn't know anything about her before and she is almost a complete stranger to me. But we changed eye contact way too much for this to be random. She has actually been in my FB friends list for years, she added me, but I have never spoken with her. Turns out she is a year younger than I thought (!) and so I am going on assault tomorrow. I hope I will get a date without rejection and I will try for that touching thing. If she is available, I don't even know that right now :D .

 

But as you might imagine, I am punk-ass drunk right now so everything I write might be forgotten by the morning.

[Major Dash]

First off, why the [bleep] am I in RPG's siggy?

 

 

 

Maybe he is making fun of the fact that you put Estonians above all of us other Earth-dwellers every time you post. Or maybe he is applauding you for your high spirited nationalism. Just a thought.

 

[muggiwhplar]

Last night was kind of interesting. Lots things to ponder as I slowly fell asleep while the room was spinning when the night was over.

 

There's lots of "characters" in this story which ultimately goes nowhere but I'm just posting here as a reflection. What I'm saying is, you're wasting your time reading this, but you should read it anyway because I said so. K moving on...

 

Chill friend: Close friend of mine who's dating "Successful" Girlfriend.

 

"Successful" girlfriend (SG): Dating Chill friend. Most of our friends don't like her because she's very egotistical, judgmental, and disagreeable. She's achieved a lot in college, won numerous awards, and just got accepted into grad school. Which is impressive... but it's hard to like her when she doesn't treat others with respect unless they've also conformed to her subjective idea of "success." She's also really obese. >_>

 

Hot ex: chill friend's really attractive ex girlfriend. long, dark hair; short, fit body; cute face. just my type. mmmmm...

 

Inappropriate friend: Another very close friend of mine. He's generally my partner in crime/"wingman" whenever I go out. We've got very similar personalities and senses of humor so we're good at playing off of each other's absurdity. This basically sums up our attitudes. We used to go

together back in the day. Good times. But I digress...

 

Cool girlfriend: Dating Inappropriate friend for the past 4 years or so. She's overall a really cool, laid back girl. Very feminine, has a great sense of humor. She "understands" that girlfriends generally make things less fun for a group of guys. I feel sexist saying that, but it's true. So she lets me drag Inappropriate Friend out to the bars because she's awesome and secure. Of all of my friends' relationships, I've always admired this relationship the most. Mostly because, for the most part, they did things "right." But sadly, things fall apart... more on that later. :D

 

 

So anyways, we were at a small party before we all headed out to the bars together. While at the party, there was a cute (albeit slightly chubby) girl who was drunk as [bleep]. While speaking to SG, I mentioned how the drunk girl was kind of cute.

 

SG: Are you joking? She's so dumb!

Me: Yeah, but she's still cute.

SG: Muggi, are you saying you would actually be interested in a girl like that? Come on have some self-respect!

Me: That's how my masculine brain works. Physical attractiveness precedes personality. I can't put my dick in a college degree.

SG: Just because we have monkey brains doesn't mean we have to behave like monkeys!

Me: We shouldn't have monkey brains. But that doesn't change the fact that we do have monkey brains; and that's something beyond our control. Fat girls are not attractive.

 

She gets angry and storms off. I drink my beer.

 

Later on, we all go out to eat before walking down to the bars. Inappropriate friend and I are notorious for having very uninhibited personalities and generally not giving a [bleep]. All of our male friends appreciate this. Their girlfriends... not always so. :P So we're all eating together-- me, Inappropriate friend, Chill friend, and SG. In a nutshell, Inappropriate friend and I just keep talking about sex and other "inappropriate" things. SG basically keeps saying, "I'm offended; if you keep offending me, I'm going to act more offended." So naturally we just laugh and TAKE IT UP A NOTCH. She's one of those girls whom it's hard to tell if she's genuinely offended or is just pretending to be offended because that's what some girls do. I say this because despite her protesting, she was struggling to keep a straight face the whole time. Probably a little bit of both. Dat cognitive dissonance.

 

Also, at one point SG brought up another friend's relationship-- the one I posted about earlier. My friend who's completely [kitty] whipped by his girlfriend. SG remarked, "when's he gonna grow a pair and propose to her?" I just bit my tongue and was disappointed that she confirmed my notions of her.

 

Anyways, we go to the bar and it turns out that Chill Friend's ex-girlfriend is there. And she's smoking hot. (Why do all of my friends date sweet, beautiful women for a while and then end up with really [bleep]y unattractive ones?) So me and inappropriate friend talk to the hot ex for like an hour, unaware that she's chill friend's ex. When she finally is like, "Oh btw I'm chill friend's ex!" I bail and go talk to chill friend to confirm this. He makes it sound like she's a succubus she-demon and hates her. So I don't really feel comfortable hitting on her anymore and I didn't have the nerve to ask chill friend, "so.... is it cool if I like, you know, mack on her like a mack daddy driving a mack truck while eating mack and cheese and mackdonalds?" So I go back to hot ex, grab inappropriate friend, and basically say, "Hey we're we're all gonna go play pool now. But you can't come-- no girls allowed, sorry. bros before [garden tools] and stuff" and we walk off. Shortly thereafter, hot ex shows up shortly after and is hitting on inappropriate friend-- rubbing his chest, grabbing his arm and putting it around her, etc. And so inappropriate friend's like, "fffffffuuuuuuu--"

 

We're all really bad at pool, so inappropriate friend was trying to blow himself out by acting like some sort of pool god, hoping she'd think he was a loser and walk away. Well, inappropriate friend was about to shoot pool and goes, "ok. I'm gonna knock this ball over that ball, bank it off the side, and knock these two balls into that pocket." without lining up the shot or anything, he jabs the ball. It goes over one ball, banks off the side, and knocks two balls into the pockets that he called. He looks at me and we both go, "fffffffuuuuuu--"

 

Meanwhile, SG has angrily left the bar because of hot ex's presence. things become slightly more happy. for inappropriate friend and I, at least. for chill friend... not so much. :P

 

So, with that completely unnecessary and boring story in mind, here's some observations on Chill Friend and SG's relationship:

Chill guy doesn't really have a family. He and SG seem to get along really well; but I don't think he's sexually attracted to her. Fortunately, though, I think he has a low sex drive. SG is very masculine and controlling. If he's happy with that, good for him. But it's definitely a relationship that I'd never want to be a part of. >_> Chill Friend also has been known to make out with other (hot) girls if he gets drunk. So there's that too. :-| I get the feeling that he's dating SG for the same reason that Inappropriate friend is dating Cool girlfriend...

 

After playing pool, Inappropriate Friend and I excuse ourselves and go sit at the bar to drink and chat. We discuss his relationship. Like I said, for the first 2-3 years, I admired the relationship they had. They had a "good" relationship-- they're each other's best friends, always laughing and having fun together, and they're both attractive people. At one point, they decided to move in together and then things slowly started to fall apart. She gained about 50 lbs; they argued more and more; he lost attraction for her and they quit having sex. Inappropriate friend has a high sex drive, so he's not very happy right now. I keep telling him that he should try and convert his relationship into an open one-- he could remain emotionally exclusive with Cool girlfriend but occasionally hook up with other girls discretely when the opportunity arose. He of course doesn't think she'll go for it. Apparently cool girlfriend has said that if/when they ever break up, she doesn't want to be in contact with him anymore from then on (I don't believe that; what a person says is often not what they'd really do in cases like this). I imagine if he proposed an open relationship, she'd dump him... temporarily. And then return to him shortly after. I asked him if he's staying with her because he'd rather be in a sexless relationship than be single and "alone." He said that was a deep question and he doesn't know. :wall: School's almost over and she'll be living at home for about a month while he stays in the college town. So he's gonna see how things are while they're apart and then make a decision.

 

 

Anyways. At the end of the night I just found myself thinking again... wondering why so many people don't bother to ask themselves if what they're doing is making them happy. It makes me really sad to see my friends lack the introspection and reflection necessary for happiness. Or worse, they know that what they're doing is making them unhappy but they're too afraid to change things. I'm at that age where all of my friends are getting full time jobs and desperately trying to settle down. Because that's what they've been told to do. They're all going through the motions because that's what everybody else is doing and that's what they think they have to do. They don't know that there's other options. They choose security and contentment over happiness. They don't understand the opportunity cost of staying in a bad or mediocre relationship. I fear that 10 years down the road, if/when their relationships haven't gotten any better, they're going to look back with regret at these "wasted years."

 

Fortunately, though, I have a lot of very very close friends. They understand me more or less and why I do what I do, and how I view things. I make my friends feel good/happy/loved. So it's frustrating to see them hurt themselves like this. Oh well. At least when my friends and I are hanging out, for the most part our worries and problems take a backseat. :D

[obfuscator]

Instead of saying "chill friend" and all that you should just give them fake names, makes it easier to follow

[muggiwhplar]

Good call, Jamal. That'd be funny if his real name was "Chill Friend."

[RpgGamer]

(Why do all of my friends date sweet, beautiful women for a while and then end up with really [bleep]y unattractive ones?)

 

2 words: Over Compensation.

 

Tell me you don't go for near polar opposites from ex to next. They(your friends) just happen to latch on apparently.

 

After my first ex, I went after real sweethearted innocent type girls until I realized I was about to explode out of sexual frustration (hence relapses).

[muggiwhplar]

@ring I can almost guarantee that none of my friends will ever try poly regardless of how logical it may seem to their situation at the time. I figure poly would be better than breaking up since everyone gets the best of both worlds to a certain extent. But I imagine the smarter friends will cut their losses and break up while the dumber friends will remain in relationships they're unhappy with. Like I said, i ask them scary questions that require them to introspect and ask themselves what they really want. They either refuse to think about it, or they think about it but refuse to act on their conclusions

 

@rpg yeah but the difference there is that my friends' previous relationships were good (more or less). Lots of sex and enjoyable times with really attractive, sweet girls. Now they're stuck with... Well, less-appealing women :P

[RpgGamer]

 

 

@rpg yeah but the difference there is that my friends' previous relationships were good (more or less). Lots of sex and enjoyable times with really attractive, sweet girls. Now they're stuck with... Well, less-appealing women :P

 

Perhaps your friends arent as secure as you give them credit for? You said yourself, they have this mentality of striving to settle down, get 'real' jobs and start families in the coming future. "less appealing" women won't stray from that beaten path 9 out of 10 times. At least that's what I gathered from your story regarding the particular girls your friends are dating.

[The_Gabe]

I came to realize I don't feel ready for actual sex.. other stuff yes like oral but not sex. Not yet.