"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[Noxx]

Well i never really got time to talk to her last night. I got a bit drunk and didn't think it would be a wise idea to do it then. I woke up this morning and found 3 texts on my phone. All three of them were from her. First one saying "Hey", second one saying "What are you upto?" (both of these were at about 01:30 am and then another one saying "Sorry for texting you last night. I was a bit drunk and stupid".

 

I replied and we started talking a bit. Conversation took the obvious swing to what was going on between the two of us and she basically told me that she likes me, but she doesn't know if that's enough and it's not fair to me. She would not have been this hesitant if she was absolutely sure about us.

 

Not really sure what happens now. Not sure if i should try and reassure her or just let it be. I like her like crazy, and i want to keep on seeing her. But i dont want it to feel forced.

[Ginger_Warrior]

I don't think the onus is on you to do anything. You're seeing this too much through the lens of "cause and effect". Chances are, whatever you do now won't change the way she feels.

 

What you need to do is decide whether you want to carry on with this. She's messing you around with the whole "I know we're both naked but no" thing. She's messing you around even more with the "I think I like you but I don't think I like you that much so whatever" thing. Some guys don't mind that, they might be more tolerant to the indifference and the ambiguity--you might be one of those people. I wouldn't be in your position though.

 

As Randox said, good guys finish last. Either make your stand or walk away. She'll either chase you or she won't. But at least you've made up your mind and you can get on with life knowing it's a clear decision that hasn't been made for you, and that if she doesn't respond, the ball was in her court.

[Randox]

Just for the record, my last post was not actually an endorsement to go out and be a prick. Just realize that if you are going to respect other people, you will be repaid in bullshit in the short term.

 

Also, this is a good learning experience. While I think being a nice person is fantastic, and I only wish more people were nicer, people will take advantage of your disposition whether they know they are doing it or not. As it applies to you Nox, a lot of people would be a lot less patient and understanding, and even without thinking about it would put pressure on her to make up her mind, and would push her to piss or get off pot. You are enabling her indecision, so if you can, you might want to turn up the impatience a couple notches to see if you can get a decision.

[Ginger_Warrior]

Just for the record, I wasn't actually endorsing anyone to "go out and be a prick". There are ways to stand up for yourself and remain polite at the same time. That's called assertiveness, which is generally a good quality to have to sustain any kind of personal relationship, sexual or otherwise.

[Randox]

Just for the record, I wasn't actually endorsing anyone to "go out and be a prick". There are ways to stand up for yourself and remain polite at the same time. That's called assertiveness, which is generally a good quality to have to sustain any kind of personal relationship, sexual or otherwise.

Opps, I think I misinterpreted the post where you quoted me. We seem to be on the same page :D

[Ginger_Warrior]

That reply would be an assertive one, right? :wink:

 

We do agree.

[Noxx]

Well this is weird now. I really am a bit confused. So earlier today i posted pretty much what happened. Her telling me she likes me but she doesn't think that's enough. I sent her a final text and thought that would be it, for a while at least. This was about 4 hours ago. Just now she sent me a text asking me why so quiet. I told her that i assumed we should stop talking now? She told me that we did not have to stop talking all together, we just had to keep it a bit less serious than it is now. Okay, so now i'll be come the text buddy.

Then she continued to say that we could possibly hang out on Tuesday evening and see how it goes.

 

What....

 

I've got a day or two to think about whether or not i really want to see her on Tuesday.

[Vezon Dash]

Well this is weird now. I really am a bit confused. So earlier today i posted pretty much what happened. Her telling me she likes me but she doesn't think that's enough. I sent her a final text and thought that would be it, for a while at least. This was about 4 hours ago. Just now she sent me a text asking me why so quiet. I told her that i assumed we should stop talking now? She told me that we did not have to stop talking all together, we just had to keep it a bit less serious than it is now. Okay, so now i'll be come the text buddy.

Then she continued to say that we could possibly hang out on Tuesday evening and see how it goes.

 

What....

 

I've got a day or two to think about whether or not i really want to see her on Tuesday.

 

 

Then tell her no. I know my words have little weight here on this thread, but if you want to be in control of this shit, then step up and do what you want.

[Noxx]

Well this is weird now. I really am a bit confused. So earlier today i posted pretty much what happened. Her telling me she likes me but she doesn't think that's enough. I sent her a final text and thought that would be it, for a while at least. This was about 4 hours ago. Just now she sent me a text asking me why so quiet. I told her that i assumed we should stop talking now? She told me that we did not have to stop talking all together, we just had to keep it a bit less serious than it is now. Okay, so now i'll be come the text buddy.

Then she continued to say that we could possibly hang out on Tuesday evening and see how it goes.

 

What....

 

I've got a day or two to think about whether or not i really want to see her on Tuesday.

 

 

Then tell her no. I know my words have little weight here on this thread, but if you want to be in control of this shit, then step up and do what you want.

But possible sex...

I know i should be saying no, and my friends will be pushing me to say the same.

[obfuscator]

Exactly. Tell her you're not interested in hanging out until she decides what it is she wants.

[Riku3220]

Personally, I think he should go for it. We've all pretty much agreed that Claire either doesn't know what or how to say what she wants, but ending up in the situation with Noxx again, and him being assertive will pretty much force her to give an answer. If she accepts Noxx's advances then all is good, if she doesn't he needs to explain to her that they can't keep ending up naked in bed together and still be "just friends".

[muggiwhplar]

Noxx just go meet up with her again, and if she refuses sex, then quit seeing her.

 

Good opportunity to practice assertiveness.

[Ginger_Warrior]

I don't find that approach particularly assertive, to be honest. It's actually quite aggressive. "Have sex with me or [bleep] off." A command followed by a threat if the command isn't followed. I know it's probably not what you meant exactly, but it's not necessarily the fact she's refusing sex that's the issue here, it's that she keeps putting Noxx in fairly compromising situations where sex is the only reason to be in that situation and then refusing. Stringing somebody along using the possibility (or lack thereof) of a future sexual relationship. That's what isn't OK.

 

A better approach would be, if things start getting hot again, to say you want to have sex, but that you don't want to take your clothes off unless you're having sex because there's no good reason to otherwise. And if she doesn't like that, then... oh well; that's her problem, because doing otherwise would be submitting to something you don't want to do.

[obfuscator]

That's just douchey in my opinion.

 

What do you want? Do you want a relationship, or just to get laid?

[Giordano]

I don't find that approach particularly assertive, to be honest. It's actually quite aggressive. "Have sex with me or [bleep] off." A command followed by a threat if the command isn't followed. I know it's probably not what you meant exactly, but it's not necessarily the fact she's refusing sex that's the issue here, it's that she keeps putting Noxx in fairly compromising situations where sex is the only reason to be in that situation and then refusing. Stringing somebody along using the possibility (or lack thereof) of a future sexual relationship. That's what isn't OK.

 

A better approach would be, if things start getting hot again, to say you want to have sex, but that you don't want to take your clothes off unless you're having sex because there's no good reason to otherwise. And if she doesn't like that, then... oh well; that's her problem, because doing otherwise would be submitting to something you don't want to do.

And that's the same thing as being assertive. We can all agree, even though we think we're on different sides, demanding an answer is the right thing to do. Whether or not Noxx stays or leaves after a refusal is completely up to him. I think we're forgetting the nude bed incident here, if that wasn't a missed opportunity it's one hell of a straight answer from her - no matter how logical we want her to behave.

[muggiwhplar]

Reckon I'll have to clarify myself again here soon, as usual... as well as provide my controversially disagreeable logical reasoning.

[obfuscator]

Well, I imagine you're looking at this from the perspective of a hook-up, I'm looking at it as a relationship thing...

[muggiwhplar]

You'd imagine wrong, then :P

[obfuscator]

So what kind of healthy relationship demands sex and then bails if it isn't given? :P

[Kimberly]

Well then the relationship wasn't all that healthy to begin with if they didn't have an equally healthy physical relationship.

 

EDIT: I mean long term relationships, not necessarily Nox's issue.

[Ginger_Warrior]

I'd reference asexual long-term relationships, but I know you're not talking with them in mind.

[muggiwhplar]

I'm going to paraphrase what I PM'd Noxx the other night, and my reasoning behind why it's so critical to get to sex ASAP, regardless of your "motives."

 

 

Let's think about this, from a male's perspective.

 

We are generally attracted to women for two reasons:

 

Reason 1: Physical Lust

• Big boobs
  
• Big asses
  
• Long hair
  
• Tan skin
  
• Thin, athletic body
  
• Sexy, young face
  
• Sex
  
• Fooling around
  
• etc
  

Reason 2: Feminine Companionship

• Cuteness
  
• Warmth
  
• Reassurance
  
• Love
  
• Cuddling
  
• Companionship
  
• Comfort
  
• etc
  

There's a lot of guys out there-- particularly in this thread-- who may be attracted to a girl primarily because of Reason 2. They genuinely enjoy being around the girl and basking in her femininity. Sure, they'd probably have sex with her given the chance, however sex is not their priority! They simply enjoy spending time with this girl and want to be close to her... and it's OK to feel that way! However, regardless of what your actual priorities and feelings are, sex must be your priority!

 

Even if you just want her to be your girlfriend that will love you and spend time with you-- you won't be able to get her to fulfill that need for you until you've had sex with her. Girls have plenty of guys who they'll hang out with... and that's all they'll do with them. They'll spend time with them, sure, but they won't cuddle with them, get romantic with them, or pine over them all day and night... They reserve those things for guys they're having sex with-- even if the guys don't even want that (those guys are commonly known as "jerks.").

 

In other words, you're going to have a hard time developing a long-term romantic relationship with a girl without having sex with her. The sooner you two have sex, the sooner you can "solidify" that bond between you two and it can begin to grow. The longer you wait to have sex, the lower your odds become of actually being "that guy" in her life who she's willing to invest herself in-- both physically and emotionally.

 

(Credit to this guy for introducing me to this concept)

[Kimberly]

I didn't know I could disagree and agree with something so many times in a single post. It's like in math class where you get the right answer in the absolute worst way. Why on earth do you think that people don't experience the same types of longing in separate gender roles?

[muggiwhplar]

I never said they don't.

[obfuscator]

Well then the relationship wasn't all that healthy to begin with if they didn't have an equally healthy physical relationship.

 

EDIT: I mean long term relationships, not necessarily Nox's issue.

 

Not even remotely true. Healthy, non-sexual relationships are entirely possible and in some ways even beneficial.

 

@Muggi: We're so far apart on this issue that I'm not even going to bother responding in detail lol....