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"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice


Da_Latios

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Because we're social creatures and the primitive part of our brains places a lot of weight on being accepted by others.

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I wonder if there's any evolutionary explanation for why telling someone how you feel is the most terrifying thing ever and you will die of shame and embarrassment

 

Because love is an emotion humanity evolved into to prevent our gene pool from being flooded by brutish males and rape victims. Its terrifying because primal genes want to go all caveman on woman, but the alternative "thinker" gene wants to appeal to her "thinker gene". Overcoming the fear satiates both human needs for ideal results.

 

I came up with this theory when I was high a few months ago. But it makes sense.

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Thinking on your situation Skull.

 

How much do you like her? How much of a future could you honestly see the two of you having?

 

From your explanation, I'd never suggest saying screw it and carrying on, thinking that what you get out of it is worth the loss of any friendships and drama and all that, but you don't have to burn bridges either, depending on what type of guy your friend is at least. I suppose if they ended really badly, and he hates her guts, then it would probably be a betrayal to date her at any point, and it's a one or the other situation, but I would think that likely the best course of action is some of that terrifying honesty, admit that you like her, but you can't do the secrecy thing and that out of respect to your friend you want to wait a month or two, and then be open about it (and yes, it's always going to be weird if you sleep together when your friend is in the same house, you might want to consider not doing that).

 

Just a thought. If you and she are willing to put the brakes on for whatever constitutes a respectful amount of time, and you think its worth the wait or don't have any compelling plans or opportunities coming up, then why not.

 

 

And yeah, the casual sex thing is tricky. What I will say is that in a situation where you can make an FWB, especially over the longer term, work, usually means that your friendship is somewhat doomed. The biggest thing is probably the knowledge that you aren't going to the same places in life, that a long term committed relationship will never be a logistical viability. Logically, that also means the friendship will ultimately end relatively early in life when you do go your separate ways, and that it will never be a good idea to rekindle that friendship, that you will have to move on and find other people.

 

I'm not sure it's something you really plan out, but it can definitely happen. I would not count on it.

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I ended it.

 

Not before managing to ruin everything with my ex because of it. So yeah, a great day with her turned into one of the worst of my life, if not the worst.

 

Edit: I want to tell my friend what happened, his ex doesn't want me to. I don't know what to do, since I want to be honest and own up to what I did, but I don't want him to hate her or any of my other friends to resent her. I really don't care what the repercussions towards me are since I think I deserve it.

 

Edit again: I'm driving to tell my friend what I did today once he's off work. His ex hates me now because I'm doing it even though she doesn't want me to. I hope he hates me for it too instead of being sad about it. He's way to good of a guy for all this.

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It's just sex >_> it shouldn't ruin friendships and cause all this unnecessary drama

 

Muggi, regardless of how you think people should feel towards sex, the fact is that people virtually never treat sex like "it's just sex."

 

Also, she said she liked him, as in had feelings for him, despite just recently having broke up with his best friend. In fact, at one point he said that if it was just sex it wouldn't be that much of a problem. Half of the problem were her feelings for him.

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It's just sex >_> it shouldn't ruin friendships and cause all this unnecessary drama

It shouldn't but it has. I've never had to deal with drama before, I just avoid it. And this time I caused it. I'd honestly not be so upset if my ex hadn't taken it as a personal offence for some reason. And even more so because she told me that she had been just waiting for the right tome to get back together with me, which is all I really wanted. None of this would have happened if she had just [bleep]ing told me that instead of not talking to me for weeks.

 

And yeah, the fact that she had feelings for me is really why all this happened. I wasn't even looking for something. I just wanted to keep going with my life, not deal with any of that bullshit.

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Ring is on a role with the good input. I'd listen to him, honestly.

 

I wouldn't ever condoning lying to him, so if he asks, tell him, but there's no reason to bring it up unless entirely necessarily, at this point at least. Plus, you're head is still unclear so let that settle some as well.

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Yes I understand that the way things ARE are different from how they SHOULD BE. I'm saying that if everyone here chose to quit putting sex up on the pedestal, quit being so primitively territorial/controlling, and quit expecting human beings to behave like angels, then issues like Skull's wouldn't be so common.

 

Insane beliefs lead to unhappiness.

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I think he deserves to know. I already told him I need to talk to him, I'm not backing out now.

 

As for the girl I hooked up with, she just doesn't want me to tell him. She doesn't care about the rest of it now.

 

And my ex is someone who I love more than anything. All I wanted was to get back together with her. Now she's treating me like I'm a monster. Justified or not, that's what happened and I care about her more than anything. I don't know exactly why she is really mad, but she is. Maybe she'll get over it, but I'm going to do whatever it takes to fix things on that front too.

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At this point I'm just aiming to get her to understand that one bad decision doesn't outweigh the good person that I truly am. I'm not getting anyone pregnant anytime soon.

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Your ex is being pretty manipulative by breaking up with you and then holding getting back together up as bait. I'm going to assume she knows it's what you want. Not telling you and then getting mad when you sleep with someone else is unfair; so would have been telling you and expecting you to wait for her without a definite timeline ("the right time" is bullshit). I don't know if you posted the details of this breakup, but I don't know them. Knowing what I do, though, it seems to me you should have tried working out your differences if what you both want is to be together. Assuming she broke up with you, it might be better if you keep your distance because she sounds a bit emotionally immature and manipulative.

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She didn't use it as bait, she told me that she had wanted it after I told her what I had done. It was the first time we had seen each other in a month. If she had held it over me none of this would have happened though. But I agree with a lot of that. She claims that she's mad at me because I hurt my friend (one of her friends did something similar with her and her ex, although I think that what happened there was much worse because he was telling her he needed her back and that he was going to kill himself and all that shit while hooking up with her friend. My friend told me he's over her and "he no longer has any warm feelings towards her at all).

 

I really think that there's a measure of jealousy from my ex, since she freaked out at me for a good couple minutes before even realizing that the girl I hooked up with had been dating my friend. I really don't know or care why she's mad though, I just want to fix things. All this drama is horrible and if my friend hates me for this than it makes it easier for me even though it would be awful to lose a friend.

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Oh I know she didn't tell you right away. I'm just saying that breaking up with you and then intending to get back together was probably the worst decision possible. Telling you and not telling you are both unfair for different reasons, and the fairest thing would have been not to put you both through the emotional difficulty of a breakup in the first place. Maybe none of the drama you're experiencing would have happened if she'd told you, but you'd be going through a different but equally frustrating period right now as you would be waiting for her and wondering how much longer. And she holds all the cards, because if you actually ask how much longer you're just making it worse.

 

(Yeah, personal experience there. Different subject, same principle.)

 

I'm not saying you're blameless here, but it really helps to acknowledge error on both sides so you don't just take it all on yourself, because that makes everything so much worse.

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Yes I understand that the way things ARE are different from how they SHOULD BE. I'm saying that if everyone here chose to quit putting sex up on the pedestal, quit being so primitively territorial/controlling, and quit expecting human beings to behave like angels, then issues like Skull's wouldn't be so common.

 

Insane beliefs lead to unhappiness.

 

You know as well as anyone that it's not easy to disregard hundreds of thousands of years of biological programming.

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Yes I understand that the way things ARE are different from how they SHOULD BE. I'm saying that if everyone here chose to quit putting sex up on the pedestal, quit being so primitively territorial/controlling, and quit expecting human beings to behave like angels, then issues like Skull's wouldn't be so common.

 

Insane beliefs lead to unhappiness.

 

You know as well as anyone that it's not easy to disregard hundreds of thousands of years of biological programming.

 

Indeed. Happiness is hard work :D

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Well the point of me and my ex getting back together is moot, since as it is now she doesn't want to see me anymore. So I'm focusing on things with my friend first and foremost because he is really the one who was hurt from this situation.

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Skull,

If your ex really cares about you the way you do her, she'll eventually not care as much about any of this happening. You have to forgive yourself first.

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Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.

 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude

Steam: NippleBeardTM

Origin: Brand_New_iPwn

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I wanted to cut out all the bs and tell him straight that we needed to talk/possibly tell him how I feel.

Could my timing suck any more? I get all this confidence and feel ready after weeks of not speaking, and log onto fb after a pep talk from a friend ready to text him.

Look at fb and on the news feed his status is "Brb, going to Spain" and I'm laughing because I'm honestly thinking it's not serious. Like how could my timing be any worse. I could have solved this ages ago; and this doesn't even have to be a problem for normal people. I just don't get why it's so hard for me.

It's gotten to the point where it's actually pathetic. It's my own cowardice preventing me from moving forward and I have absolutely no idea what to do about it.

It's easy to just be like 'Oh come on Maddy grow some balls' and I've said it to myself countless times, but it just doesn't happen.

 

Last time I was supposed to date a guy, he got mugged and beaten up the weekend before the Monday we were supposed to go out. Obviously these things are never the other person's fault, but my timing always seems to be absolutely disastrous.

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Talked to my friend. He basically said that while obviously I [bleep]ed up and shouldn't have done what I did, he's not mad at me or at her for what happened. He really is a good guy, we talked a lot of shit out and I think everything with us is fine.

 

Of course on the way back I wasn't really paying attention and accidentally got off an exit I wasn't supposed to and it took me right to my ex's apartment. Also the picture of the two of us together that had been in my car apparently blew out the window when I forgot to close them before getting on the highway. Which after all this and being a sentimental person was pretty shitty. I'll search my car more later in hopes of finding it, but I think it's gone.

 

But yeah. I'll work on shit with my ex. Maybe she'll forgive me since my friend isn't actually upset, but probably not. Oh well. Nothing I can do to take it back now.

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Story related to Skull losing his picture:

 

A few months before my ex and I broke up I was working on a project in a figure drawing class which had to be loosely inspired by an existing work of art. I chose this painting by Eric Fischl: Artistic nudity, NSFW I guess.

 

It's a portrait of critic and gallery owner Simon de Pury and his then-lover, the artist Anh Duong. I think it's pretty powerful and says a lot about gender roles and relationships. So what I did was a self-portrait of myself and my then-girlfriend with the roles reversed: I was nude and she had her arm hooked through mine possessively.

 

Eric Fischl, as it happens, is pretty big on the idea that his paintings can "read" people and capture rather insubstantial things about them. What he said about the Simon and Anh portrait was that the discomfort in the image foretold their breakup. Lo, Simon and Anh broke up, and a few months after I did a piece based on that painting, my relationship ended.

 

I'm not claiming this is anything but an interesting story. I just find it food for thought.

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Absolutely. It was in my car for months and I've driven with the windows down plenty of times and it's never happened. All this shit goes down and it does. But whatever, I guess I didn't need to have her picture around anymore or something. Still sucks, that was one of the very few pictures I had of us together despite how long we were to together and it was from a happier time in my life for sure.

 

In other news, my ex says that she wishes my friend had punched me in the face. So much for her being upset because I had hurt my friend, clearly there's a lot more too it. But in all honesty, at least she is kind of talking to me, she very well could have just not responded to me at all. So whatever.

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Absolutely. It was in my car for months and I've driven with the windows down plenty of times and it's never happened. All this shit goes down and it does. But whatever, I guess I didn't need to have her picture around anymore or something. Still sucks, that was one of the very few pictures I had of us together despite how long we were to together and it was from a happier time in my life for sure.

 

In other news, my ex says that she wishes my friend had punched me in the face. So much for her being upset because I had hurt my friend, clearly there's a lot more too it. But in all honesty, at least she is kind of talking to me, she very well could have just not responded to me at all. So whatever.

 

Sooo, back to she's insanely possessive and doesn't think you should date other girls because of course you know she wants to get back together with you?

 

Sounds like she just wanted an excuse to be pissed at you for sleeping with that other girl beyond petty jealousy.

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my difinition of noob is i dont like u, either u are better then me or u are worst them me

Buying spins make you a bad person...don't do it. It's like buying nukes for North Korea.

Well if it bothers you that the game is more fun now, then you can go cry in a corner. :shame:

your article was the equivalent of a circumcized porcupine

The only thing wrong with it is the lack of a percentage for when you need to stroke it.

 


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