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"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

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I'm a virgin and 100% indifferent about it.

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Right, so picking up where I left off a few weeks ago, my attraction to the guy I newly fancy is getting stronger.

 

He had his birthday party yesterday which I went to. Before that, we hadn't spoken for like a week, as we had been texting about playing the bass guitar but it seemed to be me asking all the questions and making the effort. On one hand, apparently boys don't like texting, so it might just be that. On the other hand, he's just being friendly but eventually I'm going to get annoying if I keep up these texts/SMS'es. Hence, I took a break from it which seemed to do more good than harm. He invited me to his party which I excited about and I went to it yesterday.

 

He opened the door and gave me a hug, seemed genuinely happy to see me. Everyone was kind of casual, I felt a bit overdressed but it was still nice. I started by drinking a couple of beers, getting in the sociable mood, and then started getting tipsy quickly after some vodka. Then, he asked me to do a rap which I did which was quite fun, and we danced together in the garden. Probably because we were both a bit crazy. We did hug about five times during the night, and he had his hands around my waist when I was leaving. He saw me off and we took some photos and there is evidently some kind of Chemistry there. As friends maybe, but maybe there's potential for more.

 

However, the girl he got off with a few weeks ago seems to actually like him. I quite like her as well. However, I know that he doesn't like her, as it's come up in conversation and he says he doesn't find her actually attractive. She doesn't know this.

 

So I'm not sure as to whether to go for it, as in, maybe 'go' for something more with this guy or not

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Before that, we hadn't spoken for like a week, as we had been texting about playing the bass guitar but it seemed to be me asking all the questions and making the effort. On one hand, apparently boys don't like texting, so it might just be that.

I suppose it depends on the guy, but generally I've found that guys text less than girls. Same goes for IM and Facebook Chat too. Wanna conversation with me? Come and talk to my face. I like body language.

 

He opened the door and gave me a hug, seemed genuinely happy to see me.

Positive sign, although friends hug too.

 

Everyone was kind of casual, I felt a bit overdressed but it was still nice.

Overdressing isn't possible. What matters more is whether the clothes are appropriate for the situation. A few young men I've met like going around in suit jackets and black trousers, even on a blisteringly hot summer's day in the park--they're also the type of blokes with long, scruffy, greasy hair and tour tee-shirts of rock bands who were playing before they were even born. Aside from ruining the jacket, that's clearly not appropriate and gives them the appearance of trying to be purposefully strange or rebellious against accepted 'norms' (not a trait which genuinely attracts many people). However, it would be suitable for, say, a job interview. If you came in a party dress which was simply fancier than everyone else's, I'd say there's no issue there; it's a party after all.

 

I started by drinking a couple of beers, getting in the sociable mood, and then started getting tipsy quickly after some vodka. Then, he asked me to do a rap which I did which was quite fun, and we danced together in the garden. Probably because we were both a bit crazy. We did hug about five times during the night, and he had his hands around my waist when I was leaving. He saw me off and we took some photos and there is evidently some kind of Chemistry there. As friends maybe, but maybe there's potential for more

It also suggests that he knows you feel the way you do about him, and that you wouldn't have minded him holding you.

 

However, the girl he got off with a few weeks ago seems to actually like him. I quite like her as well. However, I know that he doesn't like her, as it's come up in conversation and he says he doesn't find her actually attractive. She doesn't know this.

 

So I'm not sure as to whether to go for it, as in, maybe 'go' for something more with this guy or not

You like him. He likes you. So long as you're not literally sticking two fingers up at this girl, then "that's life" and she should accept that.

 

As an aside: You need to care less about what other people think or feel about you--for the most part, we tend to stereotype everyone we meet based on prior experiences anyway (as explained a couple of days ago in this thread), and so people's expectations of you are largely set in their own minds before you've even met them. This is completely out of your control and not something you should worry about.

 

By all means, accept positives, reflect on negatives, because that's how you pick out your strengths as a person and identify parts of yourself you might want to apply some polish to. But only accept things which people actually say to you. If he's not texted back, he might be bored, he might be busy, his phone's battery might have died. There are a thousand and one rational explanations other than "He doesn't like talking to me." Likewise with the clothes you wore: If you made an effort to make yourself look attractive, then so long as it wasn't disproportionate (see: tangerine-orange tans), there's much more chance of people being impressed than there is them thinking you looked awful or were trying too hard. If you assumed the latter, then the inverse statement would be: "If I dress down, wear dirty clothes and make myself look trashy, guys will find me attractive," which is a clearly ridiculous statement.

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In addition to what Gingy said, I'd also add that be careful to not overthink this.

 

Maybe this is just a problem in my life, but for months I over thought everything that went on between my girlfriend and I and it really doesn't help. Yes think throuh things, don't be blind about your relationship, but also enjoy it, take things at face value, etc. overthinking things can be equally as bad for building a relationship as not thinking throughg things can.

 

Hope it works out.

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Before that, we hadn't spoken for like a week, as we had been texting about playing the bass guitar but it seemed to be me asking all the questions and making the effort. On one hand, apparently boys don't like texting, so it might just be that.

I suppose it depends on the guy, but generally I've found that guys text less than girls. Same goes for IM and Facebook Chat too. Wanna conversation with me? Come and talk to my face. I like body language.

 

He opened the door and gave me a hug, seemed genuinely happy to see me.

Positive sign, although friends hug too.

 

Everyone was kind of casual, I felt a bit overdressed but it was still nice.

Overdressing isn't possible. What matters more is whether the clothes are appropriate for the situation. A few young men I've met like going around in suit jackets and black trousers, even on a blisteringly hot summer's day in the park--they're also the type of blokes with long, scruffy, greasy hair and tour tee-shirts of rock bands who were playing before they were even born. Aside from ruining the jacket, that's clearly not appropriate and gives them the appearance of trying to be purposefully strange or rebellious against accepted 'norms' (not a trait which genuinely attracts many people). However, it would be suitable for, say, a job interview. If you came in a party dress which was simply fancier than everyone else's, I'd say there's no issue there; it's a party after all.

 

I started by drinking a couple of beers, getting in the sociable mood, and then started getting tipsy quickly after some vodka. Then, he asked me to do a rap which I did which was quite fun, and we danced together in the garden. Probably because we were both a bit crazy. We did hug about five times during the night, and he had his hands around my waist when I was leaving. He saw me off and we took some photos and there is evidently some kind of Chemistry there. As friends maybe, but maybe there's potential for more

It also suggests that he knows you feel the way you do about him, and that you wouldn't have minded him holding you.

 

However, the girl he got off with a few weeks ago seems to actually like him. I quite like her as well. However, I know that he doesn't like her, as it's come up in conversation and he says he doesn't find her actually attractive. She doesn't know this.

 

So I'm not sure as to whether to go for it, as in, maybe 'go' for something more with this guy or not

You like him. He likes you. So long as you're not literally sticking two fingers up at this girl, then "that's life" and she should accept that.

 

As an aside: You need to care less about what other people think or feel about you--for the most part, we tend to stereotype everyone we meet based on prior experiences anyway (as explained a couple of days ago in this thread), and so people's expectations of you are largely set in their own minds before you've even met them. This is completely out of your control and not something you should worry about.

 

By all means, accept positives, reflect on negatives, because that's how you pick out your strengths as a person and identify parts of yourself you might want to apply some polish to. But only accept things which people actually say to you. If he's not texted back, he might be bored, he might be busy, his phone's battery might have died. There are a thousand and one rational explanations other than "He doesn't like talking to me." Likewise with the clothes you wore: If you made an effort to make yourself look attractive, then so long as it wasn't disproportionate (see: tangerine-orange tans), there's much more chance of people being impressed than there is them thinking you looked awful or were trying too hard. If you assumed the latter, then the inverse statement would be: "If I dress down, wear dirty clothes and make myself look trashy, guys will find me attractive," which is a clearly ridiculous statement.

Yeah, we just need to find more opportunities to actually see each other in person. These look few and far between. Don't know the next time I'm seeing him before potentially results day, although something *might* crop up. Is there anything wrong with me asking him to the cinema or something? (In a week or two) casually to see how things go? I've always not known the 'rules' about girls asking guys out too. Yeah, the hugging I don't dwell on. I've never hugged him before, until yesterday when he welcomed me to his house. I think that was more a welcome thing for everyone which is fair enough. However, we hugged a lot during the evening. Pretty much whenever we crossed paths we'd stop and have a hug. I'm not sure if he knows, or accepts how I feel. I didn't see him dance with any other girls, or hug people frequently throughout the night other than the greetings. He spent most time just looking around making sure everyone was having a good time/topping up the beers etc.

 

Agree with you, Constrictor, and while it's hard, I try to take a realistic stance, and it's hard to do that when you don't know the facts. So I'm thinking of finding out how he feels asap. If it's a no, that's fine, just move on and stuff, but I don't want the 'what ifs'. It worked out last time, as in, the guy didn't like me that way back, but we're still very good friends and I don't have to panic about 'feeling for him' because I know where we both stand, and it's not the end of the world. I didn't have a crush for a long time until late May which is this new guy, and it feels nice lol. I am buzzing for the outcome, even if its a no, at least I'll know where I stand! And things dont have to be awkward unless I make it awkward myself :) There's no shame in liking someone and them not liking me back, so yeah. Thanks guys

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Hugging, especially in our generation, is an extremely common greeting, especially when the relationship between two people is already quite intimate. I'm the type of person that has few, deeper friendships, mostly with females, so when I go back to university this week, the first thing I'll do when I see them is offer a hug. Doesn't necessarily mean I'm looking for sex, though, nor does it mean that they'd be wanting it if I tried, of course.

 

Hugging is a very safe way of breaking the "physical contact" barrier with someone new, although it doesn't provide much of an opportunity to show your intentions. Are you just wanting to be friendly, or you do see something more? Hugging doesn't really help answer that question, unless it's followed by something else. It's therefore not something I'd read into all that much, unless there was something auspiciously sexual about the hugging; where his hands touched you, for example.

 

As far as girls asking guys out... people do have these attitudes about gender roles, probably because we live in a patriarchal society (anyone who denies this latter fact is doing so in blatant and horrible ignorance, in my opinion). The basics are the same for guys and girls. Flirting: Start sooner rather than later, but not too strong up front. Get the other person talking about their interests, try to link them back to you, pay compliments to show interest and so on. If he flirts back, raise the level. It will become very obvious what his answer would be if you asked him on a date. Guys would normally want to choose time and location, so perhaps leave that power with him after asking.

 

It really depends on personal preference though; if you're the type who wants to swept off their feet, that isn't going to happen if you ask. You'll need to wait for him to do it, and just show an interest in the meantime.

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I don't see anything wrong with a girl asking a guy out. It sounds like you get on well enough, so I'd say go for it. :thumbup:

 

Also, thanks for the reminder that girls go though the same nervousness and self-doubt that guys do when they like someone.

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Hugging, especially in our generation, is an extremely common greeting, especially when the relationship between two people is already quite intimate. I'm the type of person that has few, deeper friendships, mostly with females, so when I go back to university this week, the first thing I'll do when I see them is offer a hug. Doesn't necessarily mean I'm looking for sex, though, nor does it mean that they'd be wanting it if I tried, of course.

 

Hugging is a very safe way of breaking the "physical contact" barrier with someone new, although it doesn't provide much of an opportunity to show your intentions. Are you just wanting to be friendly, or you do see something more? Hugging doesn't really help answer that question, unless it's followed by something else. It's therefore not something I'd read into all that much, unless there was something auspiciously sexual about the hugging; where his hands touched you, for example.

 

As far as girls asking guys out... people do have these attitudes about gender roles, probably because we live in a patriarchal society (anyone who denies this latter fact is doing so in blatant and horrible ignorance, in my opinion). The basics are the same for guys and girls. Flirting: Start sooner rather than later, but not too strong up front. Get the other person talking about their interests, try to link them back to you, pay compliments to show interest and so on. If he flirts back, raise the level. It will become very obvious what his answer would be if you asked him on a date. Guys would normally want to choose time and location, so perhaps leave that power with him after asking.

 

It really depends on personal preference though; if you're the type who wants to swept off their feet, that isn't going to happen if you ask. You'll need to wait for him to do it, and just show an interest in the meantime.

Okay, I'll update you.

 

Another thing is I kind of wish I had the confidence I have when I'm drunk all the time. It makes me a much more lively, sociable and friendly person and I care less about little things and I don't really over-think. Every time I get drunk, I prefer how I am then to how I am normally. It sounds so bad, but if I had the same confidence all the time, it'd take me a long way. I tend to burst into Spanish randomly as well.

 

My friend brought up a valid point. She said "Do you like him because he's paying some attention to you?"

and it's really made me think about it. In reality, yeah. There are dangers and obvious risks associated with that but first we need to either confirm/deny that the feeling is mutual from his end.

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Remember that confidence comes from having the skills to back up your actions/intentions. Alcohol can't give you that, just overconfidence from your inability to accurately self evaluate your skills and ideas. Not that it can't facilitate sociability, just that it makes for a poor crutch, and only inhibits the development of actual skill.

 

Not a lot of fun, but just about. Everyone has to go through that phase of not knowing what they are doing.

 

Oh, and feel free to ask him out. I find many guys are flattered. That's supposed to be their job, so they feel like something special if you ask them. Guys who feel emasculated by it are, in my opinion, the sort who aren't worth your time. You want someone who can see you as an equal, and can take a compliment :lol:

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My advice to you muffin is to state how you feel. See if he feels the same. Then figure out where you want to go from there.

None of the other details matter. Your in complete control of this situation, there is no need to read into how he feels about the other girl, the significance of a hug, and anything else in this situation. Just state your feelings and your intentions and see if he feels the same. If yes then proceed, if no then move on.

 

Also yes this is the same advice I'd give to a guy in this situation.

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Personally, girls that ask me out get nexted immediately.

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which is fine because you probably weren't that into them anyways.

 

But a girl who says she likes you is definitely more likely to get your consideration if you felt the same

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Liking me, and asking me out are the same, yet different at the same time. And I personally am much more into their actions, initiating contact is a big thing for me. If they initiate contact, I'm usually in.

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Yeah if you wanted to play it even more subtly in case he does feel kind of jyped if you "ask him out" then just work really hard to initiate spending time with him, alot. He'll get the clue rather quickly and if you send the right signals, he'll surely go for it if he's interested.

 

 

 

 

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subtle is ALWAYS too subtle. You have to make it completely clear your into him - by directly saying so - and then you can gauge whether or not hes into you.

 

and I say subtle is always too subtle because I do get guys who have had a girl sleep with them and are still unsure whether or not she likes him, lol.

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exactly why I say its so neccesary to directly say you like them and what youd want with them, regardless of gender.

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subtle is ALWAYS too subtle. You have to make it completely clear your into him - by directly saying so - and then you can gauge whether or not hes into you.

 

and I say subtle is always too subtle because I do get guys who have had a girl sleep with them and are still unsure whether or not she likes him, lol.

 

Kinda random, but you're a girl? I never knew that haha.

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Ahh, would make sense. I'm on my phone btw, tif is pretty barren when used on mobile.

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I'm a virgin and 100% proud of it.

I'm a virgin and 100% indifferent about it.

I'm a virgin who is 100% comfortable saying it in an online setting where two presumably male members just previously admitted to being a virgin.

 

Significantly less comfortable in the real world.

 

Hugging, especially in our generation, is an extremely common greeting, especially when the relationship between two people is already quite intimate. I'm the type of person that has few, deeper friendships, mostly with females, so when I go back to university this week, the first thing I'll do when I see them is offer a hug. Doesn't necessarily mean I'm looking for sex, though, nor does it mean that they'd be wanting it if I tried, of course.

 

Hugging is a very safe way of breaking the "physical contact" barrier with someone new, although it doesn't provide much of an opportunity to show your intentions. Are you just wanting to be friendly, or you do see something more? Hugging doesn't really help answer that question, unless it's followed by something else. It's therefore not something I'd read into all that much, unless there was something auspiciously sexual about the hugging; where his hands touched you, for example.

 

As far as girls asking guys out... people do have these attitudes about gender roles, probably because we live in a patriarchal society (anyone who denies this latter fact is doing so in blatant and horrible ignorance, in my opinion). The basics are the same for guys and girls. Flirting: Start sooner rather than later, but not too strong up front. Get the other person talking about their interests, try to link them back to you, pay compliments to show interest and so on. If he flirts back, raise the level. It will become very obvious what his answer would be if you asked him on a date. Guys would normally want to choose time and location, so perhaps leave that power with him after asking.

 

It really depends on personal preference though; if you're the type who wants to swept off their feet, that isn't going to happen if you ask. You'll need to wait for him to do it, and just show an interest in the meantime.

 

Something I've thought about before but never said it aloud...

 

How, exactly, does one flirt? I have no ability to conciously flirt with a girl. There has been more then one occasion where I'm talking to a cute girl, I want to flirt with her... and I have no idea how I'm supposed to flirt. (Or maybe just scared? Idk.) I've had times where I'll spend time with a girl, have fun, look back and go "yeah I definitely flirted with her" but I just have no concious ability to do it. It's one of those things that... happens or it doesn't. Idk.


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How, exactly, does one flirt? I have no ability to conciously flirt with a girl. There has been more then one occasion where I'm talking to a cute girl, I want to flirt with her... and I have no idea how I'm supposed to flirt. (Or maybe just scared? Idk.) I've had times where I'll spend time with a girl, have fun, look back and go "yeah I definitely flirted with her" but I just have no concious ability to do it. It's one of those things that... happens or it doesn't. Idk.

Valid question. For me, I'm too nice to everyone in general to look like I'm flirting (even when I think I am). I think I'm being suggestive, but I'm really not. I find it difficult to make an effort to actively talk to guys that I like without fearing that I become annoying or that they don't want to talk to me. I don't really feel that with people in general, just the guys that I ever happen to like. And if I didn't like the guy that way beforehand, I never get those fears, but as soon as I start liking someone, I assume that they wouldn't want to talk to me or spend time with me etc. Basically it doesn't look much like I'm treating anyone specially because I'm too paranoid at the prospect of being 'caught out' and people noticing that I like said person without actually telling them first. I'm much less shy about telling people who I like, but when people just 'find out' it does irk me. I don't know why. I just feel like I'm not in control of who hears what, who says what, and this is how facts get distorted and twisted. Then, suddenly it's some huge Chinese whispers game and the guy will eventually hear something completely inaccurate which will make them never talk to me again. (Or so I fear)

 

Good thing I don't have school anymore, and don't have to see any of these people anymore. Still, I remain scared of rumours and things like this and I don't know why :S I really haven't got anything to lose at this point but yet I still remain scared of finding a way to tell him how I feel even though he's really not a scary guy and I would genuinely like to get to know him

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@ Squab

 

Be witty. Compliment, but DO NOT over compliment. Let her know you're able to get other women, but not necessarily with one. (But in doing so, DO NOT come off as a womanizer.) Walk the line. Most importantly, just be different. You have to show her you believe in yourself, because if you cannot believe in yourself, you can't expect someone else to believe in you. Another card I like to play, is mystery. Think about it, a girl you don't fully understand is a thousand times more interesting than one who you can read like a book.

 

protip: Whatever you do, don't try too hard.

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How, exactly, does one flirt? I have no ability to conciously flirt with a girl. There has been more then one occasion where I'm talking to a cute girl, I want to flirt with her... and I have no idea how I'm supposed to flirt. (Or maybe just scared? Idk.) I've had times where I'll spend time with a girl, have fun, look back and go "yeah I definitely flirted with her" but I just have no concious ability to do it. It's one of those things that... happens or it doesn't. Idk.

Valid question. For me, I'm too nice to everyone in general to look like I'm flirting (even when I think I am). I think I'm being suggestive, but I'm really not. I find it difficult to make an effort to actively talk to guys that I like without fearing that I become annoying or that they don't want to talk to me. I don't really feel that with people in general, just the guys that I ever happen to like. And if I didn't like the guy that way beforehand, I never get those fears, but as soon as I start liking someone, I assume that they wouldn't want to talk to me or spend time with me etc. Basically it doesn't look much like I'm treating anyone specially because I'm too paranoid at the prospect of being 'caught out' and people noticing that I like said person without actually telling them first. I'm much less shy about telling people who I like, but when people just 'find out' it does irk me. I don't know why. I just feel like I'm not in control of who hears what, who says what, and this is how facts get distorted and twisted. Then, suddenly it's some huge Chinese whispers game and the guy will eventually hear something completely inaccurate which will make them never talk to me again. (Or so I fear)

 

Good thing I don't have school anymore, and don't have to see any of these people anymore. Still, I remain scared of rumours and things like this and I don't know why :S I really haven't got anything to lose at this point but yet I still remain scared of finding a way to tell him how I feel even though he's really not a scary guy and I would genuinely like to get to know him

 

Well, the obvious, logical answer, is to tell him. Really, if you think about it, nothing too bad will come of it either.

 

Unfortunately, some overriding part of us insists on being [bleep]ing terrified of telling them. I feel like this should turn into an [wagon] brain thing.

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Squab unleashes Megiddo! Completed all quests and hard diaries. 75+ Skiller. (At one point.) 2000+ total. 99 Magic.
[spoiler=The rest of my sig. You know you wanna see it.]

my difinition of noob is i dont like u, either u are better then me or u are worst them me

Buying spins make you a bad person...don't do it. It's like buying nukes for North Korea.

Well if it bothers you that the game is more fun now, then you can go cry in a corner. :shame:

your article was the equivalent of a circumcized porcupine

The only thing wrong with it is the lack of a percentage for when you need to stroke it.

 


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