"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[obfuscator]

You're wrong

[Ginger_Warrior]

I was going to reply a bit later when I had something wittier to say, but I realised that, like Maddy, I'd only be putting things off until the time 'feels right', which of course, never comes. :P

[MuffinMaddy]

You and I both know that what you're actually doing is using any excuse to avoid approaching this problem, because emotionally it's not making you feel great, because it's taking you way out of your comfort zone. I realise I'm a hypocrite when I say that, because I'm a sucker for procrastinating even the simplest things, especially when it comes to relationships.

 

Tell me I'm wrong.

Well no you're not wrong. I am so far out of my comfort zone right now even by going to social events all the time. I've spent years at home alone all the time, enjoying being in my own company doing things like playing the piano, reading but sooner or later, I wanted to start socialising a bit more. This doesn't mean I've suddenly gained any confidence in myself, and I'm not fully sure as to whether anyone would find me attractive (personality-wise or lookswise). I'm pretty good on a friendship level with both genders, but when it gets to deeper things, I doubt whether anyone could look at me in that way. I obviously fancy guys but don't expect/don't see why they'd like me, but I still don't see harm in ever giving it a try. Especially now that school's over. I've had a fear of potential awkwardness but I guess there's always a chance of awkwardness with any social situation. I thought I had grown some balls and gotten over my fears, but I really haven't, as proven by the events of both last year and this year.

 

I'm just scared of coming off as annoying, which I shouldn't because I hadn't spoken to him outside of class until May.

It's all a bit sudden, but I would like to get to know him better. Just don't have the 'courage' to actually say something that I feel isn't creepy or strange.

And it'll have to wait till after Malaga.

[Low Levelled]

Um well with Facebook I ignore even opening some messages so the sender doesn't realize I'm just straight up ignoring them.

 

You're still overthinking stuff Maddy.

 

And the longer you don't communicate with him, the worse it will be. So you should get to him in person or just drop it, it's not very healthy.

He's off to Malaga now, so no choice but to leave it for a little bit now.

 

He hasn't really got any reason to ignore me, and the message I sent was something he'd have wanted to reply to probably.

Its ok, I'll just wait a bit.

 

You really can't say for sure he has no reason to ignore you. What if he is having issues with a family member and just doesn't feel like talking to anyone? What if he is trying to patch things up with an old girl and doesn't want to hurt you, so is just trying to let you down as easy as possible?

[MuffinMaddy]

Absolutely I can't say for sure. The family member is a possibility, yes, as it could be anything. The old girl is highly unlikely. He liked one girl at the beginning of the year, but she completely ignored him after they drunkenly made out and she said she wanted nothing to do with him. She's going out with someone else. And since then he hasn't been involved with girls. He's really studious and hasn't really been that sociable during the year as far as I know. It's only now, after exams and school that everyone's going a bit crazy.

[Ezkaton]

Any advice for dealing with major insecurities? More specifically, when the person doesn't talk to you? It's one of the bad things that has developed over time and was catalysed by my last relationship.

 

Story time:

 

 

During the first term of this academic year (October) I met this lovely girl called Kathryn. She and I hit it off fantastically, good chemistry, good laugh together and so we got together, had a few dates. Spent some nights together, and y'know, things were laid back and nice. It was her first relationship and the first time a guy had been interested in her, and it was my second/third proper relationship after several years of being single, with only the damp squib that was the fling with Martha and dating Leela in between. However at Christmas time (I swear I posted about it... But cannot find it - odd) Kat kinda dropped off the world. I know I know, being home everything changes what with being with parents etc. Most of my friends are like me and forget/leave their phone on silent in other rooms/around the house and don't remember to pick it back up for hours to a day or 2. Now prior to this Lampeter Singing Society (it's how she and I met - she was president of the Society) put on a couple of concerts and as a result the stress got to her and her mum ended up taking her home a couple of weeks early (she'd come to see the concert) because she had the signs of depression and anxiety and stress.

 

Then, over Christmas it all fell apart, she fully stopped talking to me, and when we got back wouldn't spend time with me, or hardly talk to me. Hell we went to see Les Mis in the cinema as a group and she wouldn't even sit next to me there or spend time with me in Carmarthen. We had a talk at the end of January and she decided she had too many "issues" and "needed to sort her head". Chats eventually led to my flaws and insecurities - like wanting to talk to the person fairly often (too much to ask?) and apparently (for her) I needed to learn the difference between "Being out together" and "Being out together with friends". Ultimately it boiled down to the fact that when she was home she was teased by her parents - you know the kind of teasing of "Oooh you have a boyfriend" - the immature silly stuff that after a while gets on your nerves, and eventually she snapped and decided to turn the blame on me, not talk to me and break up with me (according to all my girl friends it's a girl thing to do?).

 

All of my other friends (including Draz, Octarine, and even the Singing Society) felt she'd wronged me, especially with the way she treated me at Christmas time and supported me when I was in a rather bad way, leaving her to deal with everything on her own which I think she knew - I admit I invested way too much into it because I really liked the girl.

 

 

Eventually 2 months later I'd mended, and realised what my friends were saying and got back into the game. This is when I met my current girlfriend Rebecca. We were on a night out to Lampeter's annual "Fetish Ball", and I ended up going back to a houseparty with Becca and back to hers.

Now those of you who know me, and know me well, know that I wont sleep with a girl on the first night. One night stands aren't me... I'm one of those old romantics, and often get called a gentleman. We have to know each other and like each other a hell of a lot. She respected this grudgingly and just slept normally with me. We continued to chat more than we had before (we were close friends beforehand anyways), and hanging out and sleeping with each other. Easter time came and went, and when we were back in Lampeter she made it plainly clear that she properly liked me and wanted to make a real relationship out of it - hell we were pretty much already in one, cept we didn't say it. After that and thinking it'd lead somewhere good (which it has so far) we slept together properly for the first time, and things went from strength to strength. She even practically moved into my room, staying with me pretty much every night and we were like a proper couple together - my best mate at uni Cannon even started to get jealous as our romance had interrupted his and my bromance!

 

In the realtionship there's a lot of maturity, more so than the last one with Kat, and yet still enough immaturity that everything is funny. Though... She stunned me one night when she came in (drunk) and told me she loved me asking me to promise not to tell her what she said - and then confronted me 2 weeks later asking why I hadn't told her I loved her and that she did remember that night :P And it took me a while longer to make sure it was definite for my side, and by the end of term I was able to honestly say I love her too. Which made me realise that this was a proper, real solid relationship... Which is really nice after past few.

 

So we will hit the 4 month mark on the 8th, which is fantastic. BUT once again, the issue of being home has crept into my mind. We've spoken... 3 times? Or is it 4? In the course of the past month - yes yes... Once a week average? Surely isn't bad and I'm just being "clingy" I think most of you will feel. But going from practically spending every waking and sleeping hour with the person to not spending any at all, and hardly being able to talk to them is rough...

Also recently, I've been trying to sort visiting her with both her and my parents (since I'm reliant on my parents as I don't have a job, and my M.A. is all self funded so I don't have any loan money or anything). The sorting the trains and telling her about that was easy enough... But trying to get a reply out of her this past week in order to get her home phonenumber is a nightmare.

 

Getting her number is my mum's idea... It's the usual mum thing (which I fully understand tbh) of wanting to call my friends/girlfriends mum in order to make 100% sure that both parents have emergency numbers/addresses should anything happen AND to make sure that it's 100% okay with their mother that I can go and stay for a few days. Because c'mon, the houses are their parents, not theirs. It's all well and good being invited, but it's even better to check their parents are okay with it, rather than turning up on the doorstep expecting to be welcome because the friend/gf says it's so. Cannon was rather aghast when I asked him for his, as he feels my mum is treating us like we're 12 again organising a play date...

 

 

 

But yeah, because of what happened with Kat, my mind is playing havoc with me. I've sent Becca one text a day for the past 3 days or so, asking nicely for the number, and left a voicemail today (Draz (Kieran)) suggested to give her a call (which went straight to voicemail), with absolutely no reply. I'm sincerely at a loss of what to actually do now... Because I don't want to come across desperate at all, or clingy and have the exact same problems that I had with Kat... Yet part of me just wishes to not be ignored. Hell I've talked to Kie/Dan/Cannon more times than I've chatted to my girlfriend - or a better example is Marie, a close friend of mine who's been there for me. She actually chats to me more than Becca does, and she herself says that I deserve better treatment, especially after what happened with Kat.

 

 

SO am I just being an idiot? Letting his insecurities get in the way of a good thing, worrying about absolutely nothing and essentially just being #1 Bad IRL person (as well as RSer as everyone says)... Or should I press more for a reply from her? Becca knows how I feel, what happened with Kat and what my biggest worries are. Hell, we even spent one night cuddled in bed with me saying I don't want to be clingy, yet I don't want her to ignore me.

[constrictor]

I would ask her next time you see her in person. Communication is key, however, don't over think it while you wait for contact. When you do talk to her, assuming she understands, don't over think/read into her response too much either. If you can trust her, trust her.

 

It seems to me as much as you like her and her you, there hasn't been any good building of trust. Maybe this time apart is a good chance for that (the building of trust that is), maybe it won't be. But just my thoughts.

[Ginger_Warrior]

Let's put the thing with Kat to one side, because from the sounds of things, it doesn't really have much of a cause in what you're feeling right now. The way you wrote it suggests you had a tenancy for 'clingy' behaviour even before you went out with Kat, am I right? Perhaps Kat felt that all the responsibilities of being President of that society were beyond her capability, and she simply didn't cope with that. That would have harmed her belief in dealing with other things in her life too. Although relationships are a form of social support, partners in relationships have expectations of each other, yes? What I read from what you've wrote there is Kat saying: "I've taken on more than I can chew, I'm not coping, I've gone home to build myself up again, but I can't do that while I feel an expectation to provide you with what you're wanting from this relationship, so I'm ending it for my own sake."

 

From that perspective, it isn't a case of whether you were righted or wronged, it's simply a matter of fact, that the relationship couldn't possibly have worked, regardless of the respect between the two individuals, simply because one of those individuals was tearing apart at the seams in terms of her mental well-being. However, what's also very clear is that Becca isn't following that pattern, is she? So there's no reason to believe that the relationship will follow that same path; it's a different person, a much healthier person with obviously more belief and self-esteem.

 

Let's focus on you and the way that you're feeling, because this seems to be primarily driven by your emotions ... How do you mean 'insecure'? What exactly are you worried about? Describe it to me; what makes you feel that way, how exactly do you feel, what's running through your head when you feel that way, how do you stop feeling that way?

[Ezkaton]

The way you wrote it suggests you had a tenancy for 'clingy' behaviour even before you went out with Kat, am I right?

 

However, what's also very clear is that Becca isn't following that pattern, is she? So there's no reason to believe that the relationship will follow that same path; it's a different person, a much healthier person with obviously more belief and self-esteem.

 

Let's focus on you and the way that you're feeling, because this seems to be primarily driven by your emotions ... How do you mean 'insecure'? What exactly are you worried about? Describe it to me; what makes you feel that way, how exactly do you feel, what's running through your head when you feel that way, how do you stop feeling that way?

 

Yeah I think perhaps you are right there. It's strange. I can cope on my own, alone extremely well. Especially when single... I could quite frankly have happily been a hermit in my past life. Perhaps too well some of my friends would say. Yet also, there are some people who I become very attached to (Dan and Kie are two prime examples).

 

I do agree as well, that of course she isn't the same person. I just have a fear that maybe I'll push that relationship in the same direction or whatever. Or it may just steer there itself.

 

 

 

I think it's the being ignored that's the "insecurity". It makes me feel insecure in my relationship. I place such a large premium on the words and actions of what I say and do. Sleeping with her and saying I love her hold MASSIVE meanings for me (the former much more than the latter... Sex is something I have to make sure I'm ready for with my whole heart) -it's rather bad that I expect others to be serious when they say it back too. Of course, I can jest, easily - I tell Kie and Dan I love them on a weekly basis, but these guys have basically been like brothers to me for the past few years (God help them...).

I'm just worried she may lose interest in me, or her not talking to me might be like her doing a Kat. I know you said she's a different person, but in a way I like to have contact with the person I like, even if it would be a text once a week saying "hey I'm still alive, miss you x". And tbh... Another thing is I've told her I need her home phone number. How hard is it to just open a text and type 01387 368123 (random number btw... No idea who/what/where you'd call if you tried it!) into the phone and click send? It's not, it's a 2 second absent minded job in reality. I could quite easily just open a text on my phone and send Cannon/Kie or whoever might need it my home or even mobile number without so much as glancing at the screen.

 

Thinking like that makes me feel lonely. I feel as if I'm not even worth 2 seconds of time, say just before she goes to bed or in the morning, or whenever to say "Here's my number, see you soon" or something. So yeah, lonely and worthless. Why should I put in effort with my parents (who already don't like her) in order to try and get them to give me enough money so I can go and visit her for a few days, when she wont put in the effort to just send a text? A relationship is a two way system of give and take.

 

 

 

Putting the above few sentences about worthlessness and effort into another context - it will cost me £63.50 with the cheapest fares in order for me to catch the train from Hereford to where she lives. I will have to put up with four hours forty one minutes of travel time and change trains at Newport, Reading and Guildford before finally getting to where she lives. Also in order to get the cheapest fares I will more than likely have to catch the train at either 8am or 2pm - the former being the most convenient for her. Of course, I then get the benefit of being with her for a few days, before having to repeat that 4 hour 41 minute journey all the way back home. But, on top of that, being a polite guest I insist on buying something nice for the parents (I've done it for other friends), AND she's told me all about how we can travel into London (more money) and go to different museums (more money) and more.

 

It costs 10p on my pay as you go phone to send a text... Or on my smartphone 5000 texts come as part of the contract.

 

And quite frankly, looking at it that way I'll be spending ~£150 maybe, maybe less, maybe more, on a trip to someone who can't even bother to spend a few seconds sending a 10p text.

 

 

 

Also there's stupid shit like just now. As I said, I text her a couple of times, and left her a voicemail the other day. Just now (literally 5 mins ago) I've gotten a shitty facebook message saying: "Dude you do realize in the last week I've done a band day, put on a show and I've gone away to Ipswitch helping out with karting (sitting in a field right now)... not had much time to get my head around things..." Now if she can write all of that, surely she can send a [bleep]ing text or message with 11 [bleep]ing digits in it?

 

And so now worthless and loneliness is compounded and I also feel angry. No of course I don't know any of that, because she doesn't [bleep]ing talk to me. Yes busy, yes home, but surely, if she really "loved" me, surely to God she could spend one minute sending a stupid message? Plus thinking of the costing as mentioned above... Do I really have to put up with shit like that? She even knows the train fare as I told her it when sorting out the times. As she was trying to figure out if I could make it cheaper by going to Salisbury (£18) - 2 hours from her - they'd come visit their family there and take me back with them. But then it's £47 something from hers to here on singles, and I'll be out of pocket even more.

 

Kie's currently texting me telling me not to retaliate with what I want to say to her - "Well no, I didn't know you've done that, because quite frankly you never talk to me". But I guess it would be more trouble than it's worth.

 

 

 

To stop feeling this way? The loneliness and worthlessness I play Rune generally. Social environment, where I have a group of acquaintances and IRL friends, that I can have a bit of a laugh with. Hell even posting on my blog is almost soothing some days. Anger? Kie, Dan, Cannon, Marie... Those 4 see the ugliest side to me yet they still insist on being my closest friends. Like I said - Kie's warning caution right now, due to me feeling angry - don't want to say anything rash.

[Low Levelled]

Reacting impulsively and saying what's on your mind feels oh so good.. for a little, until you realize you just started WWIII.

[constrictor]

Rash decisions are never the best, but I'd give it a few days, cool down some, get your mind off yourself (and her). Then come back to it and see what you think.

 

Personally as much as I 100% understand where you're coming from (I was there once!), I also know you're being a selfish bloke, so yeah (because so was I when I was in your situation). Haha.

[Kimberly]

You said you have a cellphone number. Your mom can reach you whenever. It's not fair that she's pressuring you guys into a "meet the parents phone conference" to exchange contact information like you're a child going to a sleep over. You're an adult. There are some concessions that you have to make since you owe them so much, I'm sure...but maybe you need to have a serious discussion with them about cutting the apron strings, so to speak. There seems to be pressure and your parent's negativity towards her getting thrown your way and maybe it's contributing to the worrying, so maybe its worth considering.

 

(You know the 'your girlfriend's girlfriend' scenario of a girl and her best friend, the one who talks shit about you to your girlfriend, and it causes the girlfriend to go 'hey yeah why doesn't he do <overblown thing> for me?' and there's huge fights? It kind of feels like that...but with you and your parents.)

 

You're getting wound up over a text and likely your constant requests (however polite) are probably striking a nerve. It's probably a good idea to figure out why before you start working out in your head all these dreadful scenarios of neglect, broken trust, unfair treatment in regards to travel pay, etc. You're all about ready to have a go at her for not talking with you right after she told you she's got a bunch on her plate right now. I think you seriously need to take a step back and calm down before you shatter a relationship over a trivial matter. (And yes it IS trivial that she didn't give you her home phone number straightaway, although understandably frustrating.)

[constrictor]

What Kim said. Waht Kim said. What Kim said.

 

You haven't built enough trust with her yet (understandable), but you are also compounding that woth worry and selfishness and bam, you are bringing it down on your very own head.

[muggiwhplar]

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2013/jul/05/what-do-women-want-daniel-bergner

[RpgGamer]

I'm glad I encountered Muggiw. I definitely have a much more logical and healthy approach to relationships now. (Girl dumped me after the fireworks on 4th of July, next morning calls me and begs me to take her back again).

 

Lolnope.

[miracleman58]

Rash decisions are never the best, but I'd give it a few days, cool down some, get your mind off yourself (and her). Then come back to it and see what you think.

 

Personally as much as I 100% understand where you're coming from (I was there once!), I also know you're being a selfish bloke, so yeah (because so was I when I was in your situation). Haha.

 

Rash decisions are usually the ones you truly want to do.

[obfuscator]

And the ones you regret later

[Kaida23]

But make better stories. ;)

[Noxx]

L that is why you live your life with the "regret nothing" philosophy. I've done many things in my life i am not proud of, things i hate, but i do not regret doing any of them. Regretting something is like denying the true you, and that's not fair to yourself.

[muggiwhplar]

I'd rather view the "no regrets" thing as having learned something out of the experience... ideally such that you won't have the same "regrettable" problems in the future.

[Noxx]

No that's called learning from your mistakes "it happened, i learned from it, i moved on." Regret is more like "omg i wish i never did that :(((((((((((" and crying about it for years and years to come.

[obfuscator]

But make better stories. ;)

 

yeah sure is great telling the grandkids about the time you made your underage gf get an abortion

 

edit: that's not directed at anyone. just an example of something which could result from a rushed decision

[obfuscator]

No that's called learning from your mistakes "it happened, i learned from it, i moved on." Regret is more like "omg i wish i never did that :(((((((((((" and crying about it for years and years to come.

 

it's possible to regret something without being a little [bleep]. I regret not trying harder in high school, for instance; but I've moved on, and learned my lesson. But I certainly do regret and, and given another chance I would do things differently.

[Sir_Squab]

If you guys aren't careful, this is very quickly going to turn into a semantic argument over what, exactly, regret is.

[nine naked men]

and you would all regret that

 

i perpetually reach for the low hanging fruit