"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[MuffinMaddy]

Some people just don't like texting. You also don't have to directly tell him you like him, you could just ask him out for coffee or something pretty low key like that.

I kind of would like to get it off my chest rather than dawdling. It's just when it gets to the moment, I get all awkward and lose eye contact, lose the will to talk; all the things that were absolutely fine in normal times before I liked him all crumble to pieces. I am not normal when I'm nervous, which I do get when I like someone, so I'm probably just coming off as weird recently. I don't know why I'm acting like it's some big thing, I wish I could just downplay it because it really isn't even a big deal. At least, it shouldn't be.

[Octarine]

I feel so pathetic as I've actually been sick several times, I haven't been able to stomach anything since yesterday AND I've had about an hour or 2s sleep as I haven't been able to keep her off my mind even when asleep. It's absolutely dire and stupid for a 22 year old to be feeling this way over a possible break up :S

 

Wouldn't worry about it too much since its perfectly normal. When I learnt that Jodie (high school/college gf/4 year relationship) started dating one of y best friends a few weeks after we broke up I was sick most mornings for 2 weeks or so. I wouldn't concern yourself with being the one to end it or not, that seems more of a high school worry and you're better than that.

 

Even if you stay together over the next year or so at uni this problem will come around again and it doesn't seem that she would be stable long term. You've got to ask yourself is it worth it to sit through that another year and get your heart broken, or end things now and move on with your life.

[obfuscator]

Some people just don't like texting. You also don't have to directly tell him you like him, you could just ask him out for coffee or something pretty low key like that.

I kind of would like to get it off my chest rather than dawdling. It's just when it gets to the moment, I get all awkward and lose eye contact, lose the will to talk; all the things that were absolutely fine in normal times before I liked him all crumble to pieces. I am not normal when I'm nervous, which I do get when I like someone, so I'm probably just coming off as weird recently. I don't know why I'm acting like it's some big thing, I wish I could just downplay it because it really isn't even a big deal. At least, it shouldn't be.

 

Most people aren't "normal" when they're nervous, that's what being nervous does to you. Nothing unusual about it, just takes practice to get over it

[constrictor]

Some people just don't like texting. You also don't have to directly tell him you like him, you could just ask him out for coffee or something pretty low key like that.

I kind of would like to get it off my chest rather than dawdling. It's just when it gets to the moment, I get all awkward and lose eye contact, lose the will to talk; all the things that were absolutely fine in normal times before I liked him all crumble to pieces. I am not normal when I'm nervous, which I do get when I like someone, so I'm probably just coming off as weird recently. I don't know why I'm acting like it's some big thing, I wish I could just downplay it because it really isn't even a big deal. At least, it shouldn't be.

 

Maddy I'm sure when you've had guys tell you their feelings they were pretty shy and awkward about it. Didn't you find that endearing?

 

Trust me whether or not they feel the same they will find it endearing that you like them so much that your nervous to say it. It makes you seem genuine.

 

Geniune and texting sucks, so do it over coffee.

[MuffinMaddy]

Some people just don't like texting. You also don't have to directly tell him you like him, you could just ask him out for coffee or something pretty low key like that.

I kind of would like to get it off my chest rather than dawdling. It's just when it gets to the moment, I get all awkward and lose eye contact, lose the will to talk; all the things that were absolutely fine in normal times before I liked him all crumble to pieces. I am not normal when I'm nervous, which I do get when I like someone, so I'm probably just coming off as weird recently. I don't know why I'm acting like it's some big thing, I wish I could just downplay it because it really isn't even a big deal. At least, it shouldn't be.

 

Maddy I'm sure when you've had guys tell you their feelings they were pretty shy and awkward about it. Didn't you find that endearing?

 

Trust me whether or not they feel the same they will find it endearing that you like them so much that your nervous to say it. It makes you seem genuine.

 

Geniune and texting sucks, so do it over coffee.

Yeah, that's just too awkward. Especially just waiting for a reply. At least I can guage a reaction in person, although I probably won't be able to because I won't be able to hold eye contact. Hell, I can't hold eye contact even talking about the guitar, let alone my feelings. He'll probably sense my nervousness, but I'll still be able to get it out properly. I'll text him next Friday after he's back and has had a bit of rest. But also should I make it sound like there's something I need to tell him which is the reason to meet me for coffee? Because that way he's more likely to actually be like 'yeah ok' because he'll want to know, but if he thinks it's just a waste of time or if he's occupied, he might not be inclined to actually free up space for it.

[obfuscator]

If you have problems with eye contact, look at the bridge of his nose. You don't actually make eye contact but it's impossible to tell unless you're < 6 inches away.

[Riku3220]

If you have problems with eye contact, look at the bridge of his nose. You don't actually make eye contact but it's impossible to tell unless you're < 6 inches away.

The forehead works as well.

[muggiwhplar]

If you have problems with eye contact, look at the bridge of his nose. You don't actually make eye contact but it's impossible to tell unless you're < 6 inches away.

The forehead works as well.

 

And the cleavage.

[constrictor]

If you have problems with eye contact, look at the bridge of his nose. You don't actually make eye contact but it's impossible to tell unless you're < 6 inches away.

The forehead works as well.

 

And the cleavage.

 

The man cleavage. All the man cleavage.

[obfuscator]

If you have problems with eye contact, look at the bridge of his nose. You don't actually make eye contact but it's impossible to tell unless you're < 6 inches away.

The forehead works as well.

 

And the cleavage.

 

Then you run into the other eye contact problem: too much.

[Kaida23]

"Homer, my eyes are up here."

 

"I've made my choice."

 

:lol:

[The_Gabe]

Some people just don't like texting. You also don't have to directly tell him you like him, you could just ask him out for coffee or something pretty low key like that.

I kind of would like to get it off my chest rather than dawdling. It's just when it gets to the moment, I get all awkward and lose eye contact, lose the will to talk; all the things that were absolutely fine in normal times before I liked him all crumble to pieces. I am not normal when I'm nervous, which I do get when I like someone, so I'm probably just coming off as weird recently. I don't know why I'm acting like it's some big thing, I wish I could just downplay it because it really isn't even a big deal. At least, it shouldn't be.

 

Maddy I'm sure when you've had guys tell you their feelings they were pretty shy and awkward about it. Didn't you find that endearing?

 

Trust me whether or not they feel the same they will find it endearing that you like them so much that your nervous to say it. It makes you seem genuine.

 

Geniune and texting sucks, so do it over coffee.

Yeah, that's just too awkward. Especially just waiting for a reply. At least I can guage a reaction in person, although I probably won't be able to because I won't be able to hold eye contact. Hell, I can't hold eye contact even talking about the guitar, let alone my feelings. He'll probably sense my nervousness, but I'll still be able to get it out properly. I'll text him next Friday after he's back and has had a bit of rest. But also should I make it sound like there's something I need to tell him which is the reason to meet me for coffee? Because that way he's more likely to actually be like 'yeah ok' because he'll want to know, but if he thinks it's just a waste of time or if he's occupied, he might not be inclined to actually free up space for it.

 

If he really likes you, then he wont need a reason to get coffee with you.

[Noxx]

I've got something that's not only a relationship "issue" but also a parental "issue". Once again, prepare for a lengthy read.

 

Okay so as some of you might know, but most of you probably don't, my parents have never accepted the fact that i was/am dating a non-white girl. They are extremely traditional/conservative (yes, this is a polite way of saying they are racist). I grew up in a very white empowering environment. Not only because of my parents, but because of my school and church. I had no black friends when i was in school. In fact, i had no friends that weren't white. Then when we moved to the middle east and i got exposed to other cultures, most of which were non-white cultures, my eyes started opening. I now find myself a lot more attracted to girls with a darker skin.

Anyway, to get back on topic. When i came back home in June, i started hanging out with my ex again, and we started talking about things and everything that happened the past year and a half while we were apart. I guess we both realized that we play a big role in each other's lives. I need her in mine for certain reasons, and she needs me in hers for other reasons. While we are not 100% happy about all the reasons, we accept, compromise and adjust. And each and every day things get better and better. We are both still able to be who we want to be without upsetting the other person, and we are starting to accept (get used too) the small things we didn't like a month and a half ago. I think most of what annoyed both of us of the other persons "bad habits" is that it either came to us as a shock that we're doing it, or it's just something we never really had to think about the other person doing. For example, the fact that she smokes weed now. It's something she used to hate, and she hated it even more when i did it. Now i got annoyed when she smoked, because she used to bash me for the same reason. But now that i have actually had the chance to get used to her smoking, and smoked with her, it doesn't bother me the way it did a few weeks ago.

 

But there's one thing that has always been a big crutch on our relationship - my parents. My parents dislike her. They dislike her not for the fact that she's brown, but for the fact that she's brown and dating me. When i introduced her as my friend a few years ago they had no problem with it, the problem only surfaced when i told them i was dating her. This problem has not gone away yet. Now not long ago i told them that no matter what they say or do, i'll keep on seeing her. The only thing that can break the two of us up, is if we fall out of love/one of us cheats/normal relationship issues. But they will NOT be the reason for it. My dad told me that if i ever got married to her, he probably wouldn't be there for the wedding, and probably wouldn't ever speak to me again after that. I told him that's fine by me. If that's how he wants to handle things, then it's his problem not mine. So after i told them that i guess they realized i was serious about this girl. Even more did they realize this after they found out she had an abortion and i was the father. But this also gave them more reason to hate her. They feel like she corrupted me. Like she is not worthy of me.

Now, every time i tell them i'm going out, they look at me in a very strange way. They know exactly who i'll be with, and i can see the dislike in their eyes. They try to pretend it's not there, but i can see it.

 

Now the actual problem is this - my girlfriend knows my parents dislike her. And they know my parents would do pretty much anything to keep me from seeing her. They means treating me like a teenager even at the age of 22. They will make up the most absurd reasons to keep me home longer than i need to be, before i can go out. Or they'll make up stupid reasons for me to be home before i really want to be home. If i so much as dare argue with them, or not do as they ask, all hell breaks loose. They are still paying for my education. I have no way of paying for it myself, as it's not exactly a cheap course, and if i had to save up for it myself i would only be able to complete in in 4 or 5 years. So they use that to threaten me. "If you're not home by x-time we're kicking you out of the house and you can pay for your own education." They do this so many times. And i know my dad is stubborn enough to actually follow through with it. So what do i do? I do as they tell me, because i feel like i have no other choice right now.

Now this annoys my girlfriend a lot, because she sees this as me being a mamma's boy which it probably is. I try to explain to her the situation, but she doesn't want to understand it. Tonight is a prime example of this. I was planning on buying my mom a gift for her birthday which is soon, and then going to see my girlfriend afterwards. But as i leave the house my dad tells me that i go buy the gift and come straight back home, or he takes away my car keys for the rest of the week. I'm leaving for family holiday with them in 4 days, so i need my car for the rest of the week if i want any sort of chance to see my girlfriend.

So i call my girlfriend and tell her what happened. She tells me that i told her this would stop happening, that i wouldn't allow it any more ("this" being my parents controlling me). I tried to explain to her what my thought process was, but i don't know if it really helped.

 

Right now i feel like things between us are going really well, but one thing can still easily pull us apart. And that is my parents. She hates the fact that they control me the way i do, and she thinks i'm not doing enough to stop it. I'm trying my hardest to stop it. I've already broken so many of their rules, i've already done what i could, but my parents are still winning this battle. And it's killing me. I hate every moment i spend in this house because of it, and i fear that if this keeps up much longer she's going to leave me. She told me that it feels like i always choose them over her, which really isn't the case. It's happened a few times, i admit, but most of the times i choose her over them (i just don't tell her that, because usually it's a situation where normal families wouldn't have to choose).

I need to find a way to make things a bit more clear, for my parents and for her. I'm pretty sure one big act towards my parents will give them the hint, and that will make her believe that i am serious about telling my parent's to GTFO. This will stop them from trying to control me, and also show her that i don't want them to control me.

 

I'm not sure how much of this makes sense, so feel free to ask if i should clear anything up.

 

Also, my sister told me the other day that my mom talked to her about the abortion. My girlfriend's parents don't know about it. My mom told my sister that she actually wants to send my girlfriend a message over FB telling her that if she does not leave me alone (aka remove herself from my life) she (my mother) would tell my girlfriend's parents about the abortion. I was totally disgusted when i heard this. That my own mother would do something like that (actually i was shocked that it surprised me). Now i know my mom wouldn't do something like this while i'm around, because i would freak out so much. I would tear my family apart. As petty as this sounds, i will ruin my parents. I will get my dad fired from his job, and get them deported from this country if it's the last thing i do. My mom knows this. But i am due to leave back to the US on the 17th of October, and i fear this would be the perfect moment for her to do something like this. I am not sure what i should do about this. I am unsure if i should tell my mom i am aware of what she said to my sister, and tell her that if i ever found out she did what she threatened to do, all hell would break loose. I am so unsure.

 

So much drama over 1 girl. But, guys, she's THE girl. And she knows it. I won't stop fighting for her.

 

Also, after writing this, i realized what a [bleep]ed up family i have. It kind of makes me sad...

[Tim]

Not the girlfriend part, but welcome to how my parents have treated me for years. It's worse (well.... maybe not worse, but pretty bad) because when I go out, they think I'm off to gay sex joints or something stupid and hoping going to military will beat the gay out of me.

 

All I can say is, you can't give up. you said yourself she's the one, and though your parents might hate you or kick you out, that's THEIR loss. YOU make it work between YOU and HER.

[muggiwhplar]

I see Noxx has learned absolutely nothing over the past several months. Disappointing.

[Noxx]

Not the girlfriend part, but welcome to how my parents have treated me for years. It's worse (well.... maybe not worse, but pretty bad) because when I go out, they think I'm off to gay sex joints or something stupid and hoping going to military will beat the gay out of me.

 

All I can say is, you can't give up. you said yourself she's the one, and though your parents might hate you or kick you out, that's THEIR loss. YOU make it work between YOU and HER.

Worst of all is now that my mom knows that i'm the one that got my ex pregnant, she assumes that every time i go out, it's to go have sex. So i know where you're coming from, haha. Its petty.

 

 

I see Noxx has learned absolutely nothing over the past several months. Disappointing.

 

I have learned something. I've learned that i could choose to be with one girl and truly be happy. I could devote myself to her. I could make her my princess. And this is really what i want.

Or, i could be with several women, have sex with many different women, but never be committed to one.

My dream is to have a family. Children.

If i have several partners, i can't have the family i desire. I can't raise kids with from 5 different mothers, all of them living in different houses. It's just not going to be logical. It'll be exhausting. And i'm pretty damn sure that it's going to be extremely hard to find 5 women (5 is just a random number, don't look to deep into it), that will be okay with me having kind with 4 other women, raising all of them at the same time, spending the same amount of time with each and every one of them. Your lifestyle is okay if you choose to not have many kind or if you choose to live like a rockstar, but for the average logical person it's an illogical lifestyle. Meaning, if you want the big house, with a green garden, white picket fence, and 2.5 kinds, your lifestyle is not an option.

 

EDIT: I can also say that my desires are not driven by anything other than myself. I do not take any influence from outside. I do not wish to be monogamous for any reason other than personal choice. I am the jealous type, and if i was to enter a polygamous relationship i would be in a constant fight with one of my partners sleeping with other guys, because i would be jealous. It is not a healthy choice for me, as i have experienced. Some people are able to accept it, other's aren't.

[muggiwhplar]

I see Noxx has learned absolutely nothing over the past several months. Disappointing.

 

I have learned something. I've learned that i could choose to be with one girl and truly be happy.

 

Uhh that's definitely not true. You may feel happy now, but you definitely won't feel happy forever. This is even more true for her. And furthermore, are you really even happy now? I don't think you are, you seem to be experiencing a lot of suffering because of this insane sacrifice you're making.

 

I could devote myself to her. I could make her my princess. And this is really what i want.

 

I can almost guarantee that's not what she wants.

 

Or, i could be with several women, have sex with many different women, but never be committed to one.

My dream is to have a family. Children.

 

You don't need to be monogamous to do any of that.

 

If i have several partners, i can't have the family i desire.

 

Untrue.

 

I can't raise kids with from 5 different mothers, all of them living in different houses.

 

Untrue.

 

It's just not going to be logical. It'll be exhausting. And i'm pretty damn sure that it's going to be extremely hard to find 5 women (5 is just a random number, don't look to deep into it), that will be okay with me having kind with 4 other women, raising all of them at the same time, spending the same amount of time with each and every one of them. Your lifestyle is okay if you choose to not have many kind or if you choose to live like a rockstar, but for the average logical person it's an illogical lifestyle. Meaning, if you want the big house, with a green garden, white picket fence, and 2.5 kinds, your lifestyle is not an option.

 

Sigh, untrue untrue untrue. You're too heavily influenced by social programming and your irrational relationship emotions to be reasoned with right now.

 

EDIT: I can also say that my desires are not driven by anything other than myself. I do not take any influence from outside. I do not wish to be monogamous for any reason other than personal choice. I am the jealous type, and if i was to enter a polygamous relationship i would be in a constant fight with one of my partners sleeping with other guys, because i would be jealous. It is not a healthy choice for me, as i have experienced. Some people are able to accept it, other's aren't.

 

I'm not necessarily faulting you for wanting the unrealistic Disney fantasy happily-ever-after story. But I am faulting you for genuinely believing that that is realistic and achievable.

 

As always, I've given you my two cents. If you choose to pursue these insane fantasies which will only bring you unhappiness and suffering, then that means I'm not going to listen to you complaining about the unhappiness that you yourself have chosen to pursue. Best of luck anyways. :\

[Kimberly]

I thought we were past the part of making definitive blanket statements regardless of the lifestyle people chose to pursue.

[muggiwhplar]

And I thought we were past the part of making decisions based on our feelings and fantasies as opposed to logic and reality.

[Noxx]

1.) Same can be said for any relationship, whether it be mono or poly. And the suffering is because of my parents. The only moments i feel any slight happiness is when i spend time with her, wherever it may be. Also i don't see any of this as a sacrifice. Me telling my parents to stop being ignorant [bleep]s is in no way a sacrifice.

2.) She's a high maintenance girl. She loves being spoiled. She loves it when i do special things for her, because it makes feel like a princess. That is what she always tells me. She wants to be treated like a princess. What girl doesn't?

3,4,5.) How do i go about marrying 5 different women and have 1 kid with each of them? Even if i do not marry them, please explain a scenario where i could be in a relationship (functional) with 5 women (all of them being 100% for the idea) and have kids with all of them while still being able to maintain a 5-9 job, 5 house mortgages (or at least half of 5 mortgages, as their home would be as much theirs as mine if i raise my kid in it), and still have enough time to spend an equal amount of time with each of those (at least) 5 kids.

6.) I take this as an insult. You're saying that every person who chooses to stay monogamous is socially programmed. That is a stupid statement.

7.) Once again, you're implying that a monogamous relationship in the long term is not achievable in today's world. I'm not faulting for your unrealistic disbelief in a " Disney fantasy happily-ever-after story", but i am faulting you for not believing that it is realistic and achievable. It still happens every day, in these modern times. And it's still going to happen for many more centuries.

 

​I cannot even begin to understand why you think monogamy is such an insane fantasy. I am really getting the feeling that you have either been really hurt by a girl and now choose to be "hard" on mono, or you're a lot more talk than actual show

Either way, you need not give any further "advice" on relationships, as your advice does not apply to me. Actually, it's rather frustrating reading through your dribble.

[Kimberly]

Even I thought you were a bit besotted when you talked about treating her like a princess. Everyone likes to feel special, but when it seems like a woman craves gifts or lavish lifestyles instead of cherishing and appreciating what she gets that always strikes warning bells in my head. Dunno about anyone else.

 

 

[Noxx]

Even I thought you were a bit besotted when you talked about treating her like a princess. Everyone likes to feel special, but when it seems like a woman craves gifts or lavish lifestyles instead of cherishing and appreciating what she gets that always strikes warning bells in my head. Dunno about anyone else.

She's never asked me to do anything for her. She's always offered to pay her share of everything when we go out. In fact, in the beginning she always insisted to do so. She's one of the few girls i know of that's done this. Even to this day she will still always offer to pay for her half, even if i take her somewhere outside of her price range. I'd hardly say she craves a lavish lifestyle, and it would be funny if she did because i don't have a single penny to my name till i'm 25/married (which she actually doesn't know of). Point i was trying to make is that she's really the only girl i've even known that's made me feel like i really WANT to do something special for her. Not because i'll get sex out of it, but because her reaction to a surprise dinner or me bringing her some macaroons (her favorite thing on earth) when i go see her makes me strangely...happy.

[obfuscator]

And I thought we were past the part of making decisions based on our feelings and fantasies as opposed to logic and reality.

 

lool never gonna happen

 

edit: be my princess kim, i'll shower you with presents

[muggiwhplar]

1.) Same can be said for any relationship, whether it be mono or poly. And the suffering is because of my parents. The only moments i feel any slight happiness is when i spend time with her, wherever it may be. Also i don't see any of this as a sacrifice. Me telling my parents to stop being ignorant [bleep]s is in no way a sacrifice.

 

That's fair enough, however the point I was getting at is that people (women especially) tend to get bored of monogamy after a while. This is something you won't experience until further down the road. I don't want you making any major sacrifices now, only to regret them later. Again, statistically speaking, she will probably break up with you, not the other way around.

 

2.) She's a high maintenance girl. She loves being spoiled. She loves it when i do special things for her, because it makes feel like a princess. That is what she always tells me. She wants to be treated like a princess. What girl doesn't?

 

Pay close attention to how she acts, not what she says. Again, a girl may genuinely enjoy having her ass kissed in the beginning, but later on I can't see this working.

 

3,4,5.) How do i go about marrying 5 different women and have 1 kid with each of them? Even if i do not marry them, please explain a scenario where i could be in a relationship (functional) with 5 women (all of them being 100% for the idea) and have kids with all of them while still being able to maintain a 5-9 job, 5 house mortgages (or at least half of 5 mortgages, as their home would be as much theirs as mine if i raise my kid in it), and still have enough time to spend an equal amount of time with each of those (at least) 5 kids.

 

Considering I have no interest in having 5 kids with 5 different women, how about you tell me how to have 5 kids with just one woman and still afford to treat her like a princess, give your kids a good childhood, not end up sexless like everyone else, work a 9-5 job, never cheat, never get divorced, and remain consistently happy? At what age do you expect to have the time and resources for such a feat? What age will your wife be? What will you do in the event of a divorce? Alimony? Child support? What if she wants to move to a new city for her job or something but you don't want to or can't do that? What kinds of things are you willing to compromise/sacrifice? Did you think about any of this before you got yourself into this or are you just playing all of this by ear?

 

6.) I take this as an insult. You're saying that every person who chooses to stay monogamous is socially programmed. That is a stupid statement.

 

No, not necessarily. I don't consider Obfuscator to be socially programmed and he still wants monogamy. I don't consider Giordano socially programmed and he still wants [serial] monogamy. The difference between you and them is that you are expecting something that isn't realistic. You want a relationship with "The One" who will love you forever, always remain sexy and never get fat, always treat you well, never give you drama or nag you, and will support you in everything you do and be your shoulder to cry on when you need reassurance. And you also want to be able to basically kiss her ass and expect her to not get turned off by that in the long run.

 

7.) Once again, you're implying that a monogamous relationship in the long term is not achievable in today's world. I'm not faulting for your unrealistic disbelief in a " Disney fantasy happily-ever-after story", but i am faulting you for not believing that it is realistic and achievable. It still happens every day, in these modern times. And it's still going to happen for many more centuries.

 

As I've said before, monogamy can "work" in the short-term (via serial monogamy). When it comes to the long term, the only time it "works" is for people with low sex drives who haven't done a whole bunch of dating and who are "happy" with going to work and coming home to watch TV together day after day, every day until they die. Everybody else either cheats, gets divorced, or remains miserably together.

 

​I cannot even begin to understand why you think monogamy is such an insane fantasy. I am really getting the feeling that you have either been really hurt by a girl and now choose to be "hard" on mono, or you're a lot more talk than actual show

Either way, you need not give any further "advice" on relationships, as your advice does not apply to me. Actually, it's rather frustrating reading through your dribble.

 

If you're only going to post here for reassurance that you're doing the right thing and that your unhappiness is somehow "worth it" and justified, then you might as well not post at all.

[Kimberly]

So wait are you guys mad about his approach to his lifestyle, or the choice he made for his lifestyle? Child support is an issue regardless if you're married and alimony is settled with prenups beforehand. Planning finances and life goals isn't an issue unique to monogamy, either, nor is becoming completely infatuated with the idea of something rather than the reality.