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"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

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I don't know why but I kind of understand where you're coming from with the wanting to cause the least damage or drama, and trying to

use the 'honesty is the best policy' approach. But it's proving more and more unrealistic and impractical to me as time goes on.

I feel a bit like I have some kind of responsibility for making sure no one is too hurt, or not 'undermining' people, or making sure everyone's okay.

I keep trying to have the 'moral' ground and it just makes less and less sense, but I guilt trip myself so much if someone is upset because of me,

or seemingly because of me.

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Honesty is the best policy, but so is timing.

 

Agreed. I am the Queen of horrible timing.

Also I've also learnt that you don't have to reveal everything to everyone involved all at the same time. You're not obligated to find a reason for your feelings all the time. You just have to recognise them and try to act in the most sensible way at the time.

 

Edit: Well, turns out the guy I like doesn't like anyone at the moment, so I think this one will have to be let go :)

No point being in denial. Hey, better that I got a heads up rather than making a fool out of myself.

One of my friends asked his best friend to find out, and that was the response which I take to be true, so yeah, no point flogging a dead horse.

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Just because he "doesn't like anyone" doesn't mean he'll never like anyone. Methinks you're just looking for an excuse to avoid talking to him about it.

 

Just tell him you like him and see what happens. The worst thing that can happen is that he'll say he doesn't like you which will suck a little bit, but you'll get over it and be much better for the experience.


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Honestly, guys aren't necessarily true to eachother (even best friends) about how they feel. So I'd say still go for it and see what happens. You guys don't seem to have the crazy strongest of friendships anyways, so not like you really have anything to lose. :P

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So development with my girlfriend... I'd left her be for a while, due to holiday and essentially, she sent me a message on Friday apologising for being so snappy to me and described me as "a hassle I don't need right now", but she still loved me. And now, one of my closest friends has been chatting to her (I trust him) and been quoting from the conversation he had this morning, essentially saying that she might want to break up with me, but she doesn't know.

 

Crux of the matter is that she feels shackled to me and she wants to flirt an [bleep] whilst she's at home.

 

Essentially, he realised (and made her realise) that she's happy with me, and she cares and loves me and finds me fun... She adores spending time with me at uni, and enjoys living with me and being in my company. And so, as part of her nature she wants to be with that person or have at least someone there. As she lives 4 hours from me I've not been there 24/7 understandably, and so her brain's been saying to her to try and find someone at home to be with.

 

This is the excerpt:

Rob: Because it sounds like when you're with him you're happy, yet when you're home you just want to enjoy yourself instead of feeling like your cooped up when he's not even there.

Becca: That could be exactly it.

 

 

 

I feel shit as literally 14 days ago she was still saying she loved me and missed me, and we were sexting and organising me visiting.

 

Essentially this proves right at least 10+ people who have said that she was trouble right from the get-go in my mind...

 

 

I just feel like shite, I mean... What on earth can I do? If I visit her, I'm sure we can sort things, she'll have her fix and probably just about last another month and half without me, by which time we'll be back in Lampeter. However, I feel that if I approach her or something it might "push her over the edge" and she'll just react and say "[bleep] it all" and break up with me.

 

What do you guys think? Also Rob advised to leave it for a day or 2... And then send her a text or FB message saying:

 

"Heya... Look... I don't wana burden you with more than you have going on this summer, as I know it's a lot and you haven't really had a break... But... I wanted you to know that I've stepped up to my mum and got her to back off on wanting to call your parents. It was just so silly she wanted to do that. Anyways just messaging to see when you're free and if the 1st-6th is still good for you and pencilled into your diary? I'm sorry if it feels like I was or am hassling you too much (especially about visiting)! It's a bad part of me, and I just miss you...

 

Anyways! Hope this weather isn't giving you too much first aiding to do, or killing you slowly (maybe quickly...) via hayfever! Hell I even had to get antihistamines to get by! How is it down there at the moment anyways? How's Binkerton?

 

Anyways talk to you when you're free, alright? Love you smelly :P xxxx"

 

 

 

But yeah, halp?

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From personal experience If I feel bored or trapped that isn't going to go away, even if I feel bad about feeling that and stay with them still. With an ex I felt really trapped when I wasn't with her but when I was with her everything was cool, that wasn't even an LDR either.

 

I kinda feel like you guys are done

 

 

 

 

@Maddy. I know its hard to tell him how you feel but no excuse matters. Tell him just for its own sake, not out of any expectations (or desires) that he will have the same feelings towards you. Again the more often you do this with guys that interest you, the more relationships you will have (this advice applies to both genders) and the less you admit your feelings the harder it will be to ever find someone who feels the same.

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I hate to say it, but Ring World's right. That's not a feeling that will go away. She may be able to suppress it for a while but it'll come back, and the longer she fights it, the worse it will be in the end. That's one of the big things that broke up me and my ex-wife. Not being able to find a reason to break up with someone is not the same as wanting to be with them.

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I was in a very similar place with my ex-girlfriend.

And here's my experience, if you end it or she ends it, make sure it is OVER. Don't continue to interact with her and move the [bleep] on.

On the flipside, if you do end it and are not able to do that, then there's a possibility that you will swing back and forth about stuff and probably "fall back" in love with on and off for abit.

 

But here's what I found: either way you need to give her up entirely (unless you guys decide to stay together, which I would strongly not suggest). And if things work out, and she actually realizes that you're a great guy and the fact that she thinks she can go and pick any guy blah blah, stuff will pull back together.

 

 

tl; dr: get over her and let stuff work out.

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So my ex has more or less confirmed that her issue with this whole thing is just that I had sex with another girl. Which is irrational but I understand. She's told me that she thinks almost entirely in images or whatever, so I can imagine it's not an image she wants. Plus, we spent a pretty long time together (relatively speaking of course) and had a pretty serious relationship. I lost my virginity to her and up until what I did recently, I hadn't so much as kissed another girl other than her. So I really do understand why she is upset about it.

 

That said, I think she's starting to come around. Her general attitude seems to be that she doesn't really think I'm a bad person, it just disgusts her to think about what I did. Actually, she just texted me saying that shes going to try to forgive me on the conditions I don't [bleep] the other girl again (easy, I had no intentions of doing so and already promised my friend I wouldn't, plus I don't think she would even want to at this point) and that I don't [bleep] any of my friends (I have like two friends that are girls and I have no intention of doing anything with them. And I'm straight so the guy friends are out of the question haha). So we'll see how that goes since I obviously agreed to the conditions, even though she shouldn't have any control over what I do sexually but they were things I was already going to do, so there's no harm there.

 

So I guess things may turn out okay for me after all. I'm going to to my very best to keep myself out of trouble from now on. No more thinking with my dick or letting my depression get the better of me. I'm going to first and foremost try to work on myself as a person and secondly make sure I'm good to my friends. I guess school is something to focus on as well.

 

So yup. Looks like this saga is coming to a close. Thank [bleep]ing god.


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Are you trying to get back together with her? (your ex)

 

If not, why do you care what she thinks of you having sex with other people?


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I'm not sure that's an option at this point or ever even. If it was I would probably want to though. I still love her for sure and even if she isn't my girlfriend now and may never be again I still care very much about her feelings and opinions.

 

That said, if the time is right and I have moved on I won't let her hold me back from anything. The time isn't right though and I absolutely haven't moved on so for now I'm more than happy to agree to her conditions.


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So my ex has more or less confirmed that her issue with this whole thing is just that I had sex with another girl. Which is irrational but I understand. She's told me that she thinks almost entirely in images or whatever, so I can imagine it's not an image she wants. Plus, we spent a pretty long time together (relatively speaking of course) and had a pretty serious relationship. I lost my virginity to her and up until what I did recently, I hadn't so much as kissed another girl other than her. So I really do understand why she is upset about it.

 

That said, I think she's starting to come around. Her general attitude seems to be that she doesn't really think I'm a bad person, it just disgusts her to think about what I did. Actually, she just texted me saying that shes going to try to forgive me on the conditions I don't [bleep] the other girl again (easy, I had no intentions of doing so and already promised my friend I wouldn't, plus I don't think she would even want to at this point) and that I don't [bleep] any of my friends (I have like two friends that are girls and I have no intention of doing anything with them. And I'm straight so the guy friends are out of the question haha). So we'll see how that goes since I obviously agreed to the conditions, even though she shouldn't have any control over what I do sexually but they were things I was already going to do, so there's no harm there.

 

So I guess things may turn out okay for me after all. I'm going to to my very best to keep myself out of trouble from now on. No more thinking with my dick or letting my depression get the better of me. I'm going to first and foremost try to work on myself as a person and secondly make sure I'm good to my friends. I guess school is something to focus on as well.

 

So yup. Looks like this saga is coming to a close. Thank [bleep]ing god.

 

I remember reading City of Bones. There was one part where someone asked the bad guy "I'll do this for you on condition you do X." And the bad guy is like "nope I won't agree to that" even tho it made perfect sense for the badguy to do X. And the bad guy did X anyways. It was about dominance and how the other guy can't make him do things. Even if it's something he was going to do in the first place.

 

I don't know if that made sense, but anyways... I don't think you should agree to that. Why? Because unless you two are in a relationship, she shouldn't have any say over who you have sex with in the first place. If she wanted you to not have sex with other girls, she shouldn't have broken up with you in the first place. Whether or not you plan to have sex with the other girl or any of your friends is irrelevant; she shouldn't be allowed to dictate that.


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Skull will one day look back at this and cringe, but its important to learn from your mistakes. Again as long as you dont knock her up skull I'm sure you will figure this out

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Not really cringe worthy. If I decide that I want to have something with someone else I'll just do it. Why the [bleep] would I want to continue dealing with all the shit I was and potentially lose someone who I care a lot about when it could be solved by just agreeing to something that I was planning on doing anyways?

 

If not doing that for some bullshit dominance reason is "good advice" than I'm glad I ignored all the other advice I was given.


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I'm not saying to play a dominance game with her, what I am saying is she doesn't seem to care as much about your feelings as you do about hers, and you'll eventually reach a point where that is not okay with you. I had literally your situation happen to me. Check this post again in a year or two and you probably will cringe about how your reacting to her. But a lot has happened and I think you should try and fix things with her as best you can given thats what you want.

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I think just in general you're giving her alot of power. Agree to the terms, but I'd do it more along the lines of "I don't have to listen to you, and frankly, I can do anything I want, but I care about you and thus am going to go along with what you'd like - this is what caring for people looks like."

 

Get them sassy pants on brah.

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I think you guys might actually be right... It's just hard to admit that when there's strong feelings involved.

 

At any rate, I perhaps made the mistake of opting to send that message today and am just waiting now to see if she sees or even replies to it... Then again, my mind is fuzzy at the moment. Y'know, I expected to be hit hard by this, because I've fought so hard against friends and my mum, most of whom have warned me about her and said she was bad news, but I didn't expect to be hit this hard... I feel so pathetic as I've actually been sick several times, I haven't been able to stomach anything since yesterday AND I've had about an hour or 2s sleep as I haven't been able to keep her off my mind even when asleep. It's absolutely dire and stupid for a 22 year old to be feeling this way over a possible break up :S

 

Anyways, those friends who warned me off her still support me and say that I should be the one to end it. But, I feel if there's a chance to save it I'd want to do that...

 

Dan was right when he texted me this morning that it seems as if the swap from constant to LDR is toxic for relationships.

 

 

My mind is just all over the place atm >.<

 

 

 

And yeah Constrictor... That's what I'm afraid will happen. Because I'm positive that Rob (our mutual close friend) will pull his strings to work things out - he said as much to me on FB... That if Becca makes the mistake, he will get us sat around a table to chat again.


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Maybe I just can't put myself in your situation, Skull, but I have to agree with Squab; you don't have any such obligations towards her as a friend, and the fact that she thinks she has the right to tell you what to do behind closed doors in exchange for forgiveness is a red flag to me; you shouldn't have to depend on her for approval. I don't think Squab meant you should dominate her as much as he meant that she shouldn't dominate you.


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Maybe I just can't put myself in your situation, Skull, but I have to agree with Squab; you don't have any such obligations towards her as a friend, and the fact that she thinks she has the right to tell you what to do behind closed doors in exchange for forgiveness is a red flag to me; you shouldn't have to depend on her for approval. I don't think Squab meant you should dominate her as much as he meant that she shouldn't dominate you.

 

Agreed completely. The relationship is over, you owe her nothing.

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Just because he "doesn't like anyone" doesn't mean he'll never like anyone. Methinks you're just looking for an excuse to avoid talking to him about it.

 

Just tell him you like him and see what happens. The worst thing that can happen is that he'll say he doesn't like you which will suck a little bit, but you'll get over it and be much better for the experience.

Yeah, I know. That's me, avoidance pro number 1. I'll text him next week after he's back from Spain. I don't know if I should say it over text or arrange to meet up... although it might look a bit suspicious since we were never particularly close socially. But what makes me doubtful is that he doesn't really start text conversations with me readily. He does reply quickly but sometimes it feels like I'm talking to myself or being annoying when I strike up conversation, even though I don't do it very often. In person though, he spontaneously talks to me, tries to spend time with me. The differences between the behaviours is what confuses me and makes me feel awkward even though you can't really see how someone feels about replying to a text since it's just words.

 

Honestly, guys aren't necessarily true to eachother (even best friends) about how they feel. So I'd say still go for it and see what happens. You guys don't seem to have the crazy strongest of friendships anyways, so not like you really have anything to lose. :P

Yeah but I don't want to think about the complexity of 'maybe he made it up' 'maybe he's keeping it to himself' because I thought about that recently and it's all confusing. I just feel like I'd be in denial or pushing for something since I've heard this news. But yeah I don't see why I'm so reluctant, because it's not like we're breaking a strong friendship or anything :S

 

 

@Maddy. I know its hard to tell him how you feel but no excuse matters. Tell him just for its own sake, not out of any expectations (or desires) that he will have the same feelings towards you. Again the more often you do this with guys that interest you, the more relationships you will have (this advice applies to both genders) and the less you admit your feelings the harder it will be to ever find someone who feels the same.

Yeah, but how do I make it clear that I'm not telling him for expectation or response, but to get it off my chest? My friend says he'd be freaked out probably because I'm not really that close to him and that he'd find it strange, or it'd be worse for him to find out from someone else because "it freaks guys out" if loads of people telling him someone likes him? I'm clueless with these kinds of things, too shy to ever do anything.

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Some people just don't like texting. You also don't have to directly tell him you like him, you could just ask him out for coffee or something pretty low key like that.


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Some people just don't like texting. You also don't have to directly tell him you like him, you could just ask him out for coffee or something pretty low key like that.

I kind of would like to get it off my chest rather than dawdling. It's just when it gets to the moment, I get all awkward and lose eye contact, lose the will to talk; all the things that were absolutely fine in normal times before I liked him all crumble to pieces. I am not normal when I'm nervous, which I do get when I like someone, so I'm probably just coming off as weird recently. I don't know why I'm acting like it's some big thing, I wish I could just downplay it because it really isn't even a big deal. At least, it shouldn't be.

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I feel so pathetic as I've actually been sick several times, I haven't been able to stomach anything since yesterday AND I've had about an hour or 2s sleep as I haven't been able to keep her off my mind even when asleep. It's absolutely dire and stupid for a 22 year old to be feeling this way over a possible break up :S

 

Wouldn't worry about it too much since its perfectly normal. When I learnt that Jodie (high school/college gf/4 year relationship) started dating one of y best friends a few weeks after we broke up I was sick most mornings for 2 weeks or so. I wouldn't concern yourself with being the one to end it or not, that seems more of a high school worry and you're better than that.

 

Even if you stay together over the next year or so at uni this problem will come around again and it doesn't seem that she would be stable long term. You've got to ask yourself is it worth it to sit through that another year and get your heart broken, or end things now and move on with your life.


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Some people just don't like texting. You also don't have to directly tell him you like him, you could just ask him out for coffee or something pretty low key like that.

I kind of would like to get it off my chest rather than dawdling. It's just when it gets to the moment, I get all awkward and lose eye contact, lose the will to talk; all the things that were absolutely fine in normal times before I liked him all crumble to pieces. I am not normal when I'm nervous, which I do get when I like someone, so I'm probably just coming off as weird recently. I don't know why I'm acting like it's some big thing, I wish I could just downplay it because it really isn't even a big deal. At least, it shouldn't be.

 

Most people aren't "normal" when they're nervous, that's what being nervous does to you. Nothing unusual about it, just takes practice to get over it

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