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"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

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I had a really weird eureka moment in the shower before (it's where I tend to do my craziest deep thinking).

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

Romantic relationships (mono and poly)... they're just really selfish, aren't they? Like, you both need something from the other person that you don't get from other people in your life, and it's mutually beneficial, but really you're just hanging on each others' madness and profiteering from it as best you can. You haven't actually got a vested interest in helping the other person to root out whatever's causing them to be so needy. You just feed off it and get a fair trade for it. Kind of like giving bottled water knowing you could probably fix the well, but then you wouldn't have anything to sell.

 

It's a bit like how the doctor says "take care" when you leave the room. But (s)he can't actually mean that statement sincerely, unless they wanted to be out of business.

 

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm only getting that impression because one of my mates is blatantly stringing her ex along because she's quite needy for attention, and he's too clingy and too much of a doormat to tell her to [bleep] off. But then maybe that proves I'm right because he's quite... doting. He literally used to come round at 4am from another town about 25 miles away because she phoned up and asked him to. He can't tell he's being taken advantage of because, frankly, it makes him feel better and for some weird reason, he thinks that relationship makes him 'special' in her eyes.

 

I've changed my mind. I think that probably only represents unhealthy relationships.

 

OK, I'll stop rambling now. Someone make logical sense of that.

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I had a really weird eureka moment in the shower before (it's where I tend to do my craziest deep thinking).

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

Romantic relationships (mono and poly)... they're just really selfish, aren't they? Like, you both need something from the other person that you don't get from other people in your life, and it's mutually beneficial, but really you're just hanging on each others' madness and profiteering from it as best you can. You haven't actually got a vested interest in helping the other person to root out whatever's causing them to be so needy. You just feed off it and get a fair trade for it. Kind of like giving bottled water knowing you could probably fix the well, but then you wouldn't have anything to sell.

 

It's a bit like how the doctor says "take care" when you leave the room. But (s)he can't actually mean that statement sincerely, unless they wanted to be out of business.

 

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm only getting that impression because one of my mates is blatantly stringing her ex along because she's quite needy for attention, and he's too clingy and too much of a doormat to tell her to [bleep] off. But then maybe that proves I'm right because he's quite... doting. He literally used to come round at 4am from another town about 25 miles away because she phoned up and asked him to. He can't tell he's being taken advantage of because, frankly, it makes him feel better and for some weird reason, he thinks that relationship makes him 'special' in her eyes.

 

I've changed my mind. I think that probably only represents unhealthy relationships.

 

OK, I'll stop rambling now. Someone make logical sense of that.

every action has an element of selfishness, relationships are no different.

people in good relationships choose selfish actions that benefit their significant other, not just themselves

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"It's not a rest for me, it's a rest for the weights." - Dom Mazzetti

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My lady friend is becoming a bit clingy, but with her deep abandonment issues I find it difficult to nicely phrase "I didnt contact you today because I've been awake for four hours and im out with friends not because I randomly decided to never talk to you ever again." I understand its exacerbated because she lives alone so there's no one to really divert her attention but...I really cant do that level of clingy. Not again.


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Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.

 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude

Steam: NippleBeardTM

Origin: Brand_New_iPwn

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I recently got on Tinder. I got 3 matches but none of them responded to my first message. Guess I'll just wait for more matches.

 

EDIT: Got a 4th match, she responded, turned out to be a drug dealer. :rolleyes:

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I had a really weird eureka moment in the shower before (it's where I tend to do my craziest deep thinking).

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

Romantic relationships (mono and poly)... they're just really selfish, aren't they? Like, you both need something from the other person that you don't get from other people in your life, and it's mutually beneficial,

 

Well the way I see it, is when we as a society want our romantic relationships to be on the same level of trust and support as our family and best friends, we're going to run into inconsistencies. Why should I date this person for support, when I got my best friend? Why don't I sleep with my best friend when I'm feeling "in the mood"?

 

So girlfriends/boyfriends really become a status symbol and a [bleep] buddy. Sounds pretty selfish to me (not to say selfishness is a bad thing).

 

it's just my opinion of course, perhaps not relevant to what you said but it triggered those thoughts.

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"The cry of the poor is not always just, but if you never hear it you'll never know what justice is."

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My lady friend is becoming a bit clingy, but with her deep abandonment issues I find it difficult to nicely phrase "I didnt contact you today because I've been awake for four hours and im out with friends not because I randomly decided to never talk to you ever again." I understand its exacerbated because she lives alone so there's no one to really divert her attention but...I really cant do that level of clingy. Not again.

You can do everything to make yourself assertive, but the one thing you can't ever do is to be accountable for someone else's insecurities or make someone else assertive. That's something people need to discover for themselves. If she was assertive already, she wouldn't take your lack of contact as some personal defect on her part, although I can see how being abandoned might make her naturally incline that way.

 

All you can do is be sensitive, really. It's not something you can 'fix'.

 

 

every action has an element of selfishness, relationships are no different.

people in good relationships choose selfish actions that benefit their significant other, not just themselves

 

I think you're right there.

 

My friend definitely isn't interested in benefiting this guy, apart from sexually. He's got kids from a previous relationship and whenever he even mentions them, she goes into a sulk. When they were seeing each other, she once demanded he take pictures of them off his phone and out of his apartment. If I put myself in her shoes, I can see why his kids might make you feel a bit jealous and insecure, but the way she reacted was really selfish. If I started seeing a girl who had kids, I can't imagine anything worse than saying "If you want this to carry on, get rid of any memory of them". If it was an issue, surely the right thing to do would be to say, "I'm not prepared or ready to be in a relationship with someone who has kids, so before this goes any further, I'm really sorry but this can't carry on."

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People have weird beliefs and needs to meet. Beliefs more than anything else define your actions. The point of advice in this thread should be to focus on beliefs that are wrong and weird such as "I'm unattractive therefore I gotta put up with this persons shit because I have no other options" or "I need to date someone in order to sleep with them" and change them to change actions.

 

A lot of this selfish behavior disappears if you get people to understand there are ways of getting what they want without manipulation.

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Reminds me of this quote

 

"A great burden was lifted from my shoulders the day I realized that no one owes me anything. For so long as I’d thought there were things I was entitled to, I’d been wearing myself out — physically and emotionally — trying to collect them.

No one owes me moral conduct, respect, friendship, love, courtesy, or intelligence. And once I recognized that, all my relationships became far more satisfying. I’ve focused on being with people who want to do the things I want them to do.

That understanding has served me well with friends, business associates, lovers, sales prospects, and strangers. It constantly reminds me that I can get what I want only if I can enter the other person’s world. I must try to understand how he thinks, what he believes to be important, what he wants. Only then can I appeal to someone in ways that will bring me what I want."

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Number one advice for me from this thread and also elsewhere so far was to stop giving a [bleep].

Life is easy.


t3aGt.png

 

So I've noticed this thread's regulars all follow similar trends.

 

RPG is constantly dealing with psycho exes.

Muggi reminds us of the joys of polygamy.

Saq is totally oblivious to how much chicks dig him.

I strike out every other week.

Kalphite wages a war against the friend zone.

Randox pretty much stays rational.

Etc, etc

 

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Number one advice for me from this thread and also elsewhere so far was to stop giving a [bleep].

Life is easy.

Maybe if you want to become a shell of a human.

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I didn't mean it quite literally.

But I meant that one should stop giving a [bleep] about what random people think of you.

Stop giving a [bleep] about past mistakes.

Stop giving a [bleep] about rejections.

Stop giving a [bleep] about searching for a girlfriend or etc.

Stop giving a [bleep] about things that aren't somehow beneficial or pleasant for you.


t3aGt.png

 

So I've noticed this thread's regulars all follow similar trends.

 

RPG is constantly dealing with psycho exes.

Muggi reminds us of the joys of polygamy.

Saq is totally oblivious to how much chicks dig him.

I strike out every other week.

Kalphite wages a war against the friend zone.

Randox pretty much stays rational.

Etc, etc

 

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Just do you man.

 

I more or less broke up with my lady friend after she threatened to kill herself. I really can't handle another one of those girls. Awesome as she was, I'm not gonna get manipulated by suicidal tendencies again. I cant have a future with that. Shame though. I really liked her.


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Quote

Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.

 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude

Steam: NippleBeardTM

Origin: Brand_New_iPwn

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Its a good thing you left RPG the suicide thing is a trademark in abusive relationships.

 

I can't help but get really mad when I hear that people actually have the nerve to pull shit like that.

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Especially after I told her about the girl I almost dated last year who really did kill herself. You can't just throw that back at my face. Completely over the line


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Quote

Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.

 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude

Steam: NippleBeardTM

Origin: Brand_New_iPwn

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I had a really weird eureka moment in the shower before (it's where I tend to do my craziest deep thinking).

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

Romantic relationships (mono and poly)... they're just really selfish, aren't they? Like, you both need something from the other person that you don't get from other people in your life, and it's mutually beneficial,

Well the way I see it, is when we as a society want our romantic relationships to be on the same level of trust and support as our family and best friends, we're going to run into inconsistencies. Why should I date this person for support, when I got my best friend? Why don't I sleep with my best friend when I'm feeling "in the mood"?

 

So girlfriends/boyfriends really become a status symbol and a [bleep] buddy. Sounds pretty selfish to me (not to say selfishness is a bad thing).

 

it's just my opinion of course, perhaps not relevant to what you said but it triggered those thoughts.

If people treated relationships the same way as they treat their closest friendships, their lives would be a lot happier. But that is difficult to do since most people have really crazy beliefs surrounding love, sex, trust, etc.

 

Like, imagine how chaotic my friendships would be if my friends and I weren't allowed to hang out with other friends without the other's permission. Or if I couldn't move to a new city when I wanted to because that would somehow threaten our friendship and its longevity. Or if I was only allowed to do certain activities with one friend and nobody else.

 

It's funny how I can go years without communicating with some of my friends and then I'll randomly start chatting with them or I'll meet up with them and things pick back up right where we left off, as if we had been "together" the whole time. Yet things like that are only possible due to the overall sense of freedom and lack of expectations inherent to a friendship.

 

To many of my friends, I am their best friend. I don't really have my own "best friend," but I do categorize my friends based on how much mutual trust and closeness there is. In some instances, my friends might have a best friend who isn't me. But that doesn't make our friendship any less meaningful to me. Though I imagine if that particular friend was my one and only "best friend," then suddenly our friendship might begin to experience some turbulence.

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Lets write a book together muggiw


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Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.

 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude

Steam: NippleBeardTM

Origin: Brand_New_iPwn

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i like to think i'm muggi's "best internet friend"


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"It's not a rest for me, it's a rest for the weights." - Dom Mazzetti

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Personally, I'd prefer to grab a beer.

Why would you want to grab a beer? They have sharp claws and teeth! Also, diseases!

 

@muggi message me if you ever come to toronto :p

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"It's not a rest for me, it's a rest for the weights." - Dom Mazzetti

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I'd say I'm probably at the top of my list

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Id drink with all you knuckleheads, but no one lives in the Philly area


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Quote

Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.

 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude

Steam: NippleBeardTM

Origin: Brand_New_iPwn

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Best reading material for needy, insecure, entitled, "nice" guy? Someone I know keeps whining about how he can't be happy without romance on Facebook. Bonus points if not misogynistic because he's probably a feminist and he'll probably latch onto any excuse to avoid being exposed to the notion that you have to make your life happen rather than wait for it to happen to you. But anything will do.

 

[Edit] Lol @ people who drink beer


Matt: You want that eh? You want everything good for you. You want everything that's--falls off garbage can

Camera guy: Whoa, haha, are you okay dude?

Matt: You want anything funny that happens, don't you?

Camera guy: still laughing

Matt: You want the funny shit that happens here and there, you think it comes out of your [bleep]ing [wagon] pushes garbage can down, don't you? You think it's funny? It comes out of here! running towards Camera guy

Camera guy: runs away still laughing

Matt: You think the funny comes out of your mother[bleep]ing creativity? Comes out of Satan, mother[bleep]er! nn--ngh! pushes Camera guy down

Camera guy: Hoooholy [bleep]!

Matt: FUNNY ISN'T REAL! FUNNY ISN'T REAL!

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First thing that comes to my mind when reading that Omar is it must really suck for him to be reliant on someone else to make him feel good.  Regardless his beliefs aren't the issue here, its all about teaching him the strategy on how to get what he wants. He wants relationships, so be it - he should still employ the same strategies as anyone else just with the end goal being a relationship instead of sex.  Those strategies being, be an active guy with a social life and hobbies outside your house. Meet women you find beautiful and pursue them and ask them out on dates and make it clear you are searching for a relationship not a friendship.

 

So yeah steer him in that direction. He will probably come to find that when he starts having success with women he won't put up with bad relationships and would probably not reject a girl that wants to sleep with him.

 

 

 

As for specific wording to a guy like that I would say something along the lines of "Hey I see you are having relationship troubles buddy. I was in your spot a while back and what helped me was getting out more and meeting more women then I was before. I also had to change how I talked to women I found attractive, I used to not be honest with the fact I want to date them but now when I meet one I give her honest compliments and ask for her number and set up dates."

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Right, I'm not going to baby him, but that's basically what I want him to realize; it doesn't have anything to do with feminism/how casual he wants his relationships to be. I've told him a few times already that he's got the causation backwards (happiness causes girlfriends, not the other way around) to no avail, so I'm looking for something I can just link to below his latest status.


Matt: You want that eh? You want everything good for you. You want everything that's--falls off garbage can

Camera guy: Whoa, haha, are you okay dude?

Matt: You want anything funny that happens, don't you?

Camera guy: still laughing

Matt: You want the funny shit that happens here and there, you think it comes out of your [bleep]ing [wagon] pushes garbage can down, don't you? You think it's funny? It comes out of here! running towards Camera guy

Camera guy: runs away still laughing

Matt: You think the funny comes out of your mother[bleep]ing creativity? Comes out of Satan, mother[bleep]er! nn--ngh! pushes Camera guy down

Camera guy: Hoooholy [bleep]!

Matt: FUNNY ISN'T REAL! FUNNY ISN'T REAL!

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