"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[Riku3220]

The date went well. We fed the ducks, went to an Artwalk thing that was happening downtown, and had dinner and snow cones. Then we just sort of walked around a park talking about stuff for a couple of hours. She seems like a total catch except that she plans on being a virgin until marriage so sorry muggi, but there won't be any pelvic sorcery happening any time soon. Anyway, we'll be going on another date some time soon.

[Low Levelled]

Has anyone else been in a relationship that they know they should back out of but couldn't bring themselves to do it because the other person was just so attractive?

I'm curious about this one!

[The_Gabe]

The date went well. We fed the ducks, went to an Artwalk thing that was happening downtown, and had dinner and snow cones. Then we just sort of walked around a park talking about stuff for a couple of hours. She seems like a total catch except that she plans on being a virgin until marriage so sorry muggi, but there won't be any pelvic sorcery happening any time soon. Anyway, we'll be going on another date some time soon.

 

They all say that I swear. It usually doesn't last.

[Low Levelled]

 

 

The date went well. We fed the ducks, went to an Artwalk thing that was happening downtown, and had dinner and snow cones. Then we just sort of walked around a park talking about stuff for a couple of hours. She seems like a total catch except that she plans on being a virgin until marriage so sorry muggi, but there won't be any pelvic sorcery happening any time soon. Anyway, we'll be going on another date some time soon.

They all say that I swear. It usually doesn't last.

Agreed

[Hedgehog]

"I'm saving myself for marriage" = "I don't want to have sex with you"

[muggiwhplar]

Yeah if she's being serious about that I'd move on to someone else.

[RpgGamer]

Ehhhh...at a certain age they all say that. My first girlfriend said that, and something like 7 months later we had sex. We were 16

[The_Gabe]

Same as RPG but took a year and she was 19.

[Sir_Squab]

I seem to recall hearing somewhere in High School that once a girl starts having sex, she doesn't really stop. My impression (and I realize I'm naive about this so I could be wrong) is that a lot of girls save sex for their first long term relationship. After that, it's much less of a big deal in future relationships.

 

[hide]I love my relationship, most parts.I try my best to keep it together, but I do struggle.

I have been mean, unfair, and sometimes unwilling to move on from some of the problems that reoccur.

Some of the problems are my fault, because I am a sensitive individual, others are my boyfriend's,

but one thing that I have always struggled with is the feeling of being invisible.

Feeling invisible is something that whether it's with my family, friends, boyfriend, people I come into

contact with in general, is something I have always really struggled to cope with.

 

But I have, for the most part accepted it as a part of life, everyone feels like a shadow at one point or another,

but with my boyfriend, it is more apparent than it ever has been. Part of this issue is the frequency at which

he will unexpectedly change plans, to suit what his friends are doing. His friends are lighthearted, not particularly

serious, people who like to chill out and have a good time. These aren't things I'm not, but the way in which

we have a 'good time' just differs. My boyfriend tiptoes around me because he has no confidence that I will take

things the right way, when there are a handful of times that I've taken things wrongly, but I feel like he will

continuously treat me differently to his friends who seem to not see the boundary that is our relationship.

 

Do not get me wrong, everyone needs friends and I have no problem with him hanging around with friends

(these are friends I don't trust at all but respect that they are a part of my boyfriend's life and as such, I

treat them fairly) but at the end of the day, I am a spare part in their group (expected; as I'm not any of their

friends, and more of a 'spare part') which is obviously going to happen as I'm just the girlfriend of somebody

in that group. The problem lies here, in that, I do not bring myself into contact with his friends, the ones

I don't feel fully comfortable around, he willingly brings me into contact with them such as on a handful of occasions,

we have plans to go to town together as a pair, and his friends will say they want to come to town,

it becomes a joint trip when I do not see why it should be. No offence, everyone can go town if they want

but when we say we're going it does not mean we all have to go together. Likewise, we will be sitting together

in each other's company, in a garden square, and his friends will walk by, which I do not have an issue with

him saying hi to, but then they invited him to play pool. Sure, pool with the friends sounds like a great idea,

however, considering he was occupied (with me) I was irritated by the swift acceptance of the offer and not

considering what I was about to do for the next half hour. I was not willing to sit by myself in the garden

square so off I went, to sit and watch pool games. Now, that has dragged me into a situation that I

did not really feel like being in. Every now and then he'd notice me but his main focus was his friends,

and I just don't like the dividing time between us in my presence. I don't care what he gets up to with his friends

but when we have time together, I do not enjoy the ease at which he chucks our time together away.

At first push, his friends don't need to convince him much, they could be just going on a walk, or watching a movie,

if he is with me at the same time, he is considerably more likely to accept their offer and then think about me later

either I join their plans or go and do my own thing. If the situation is reversed and he is out with friends

and I asked to do a b or c, he would be more honest in rejecting me. While I have no problem with saving things

for later, he has shown that he would rather say no to me, than no to his friends. I approached him with this

and he had the tone that I was being unreasonable or strange for being upset when he "just went to say hi to

his friends playing pool" but "hi" is not equal to actively engaging in multiple games of pool whilst I sit

in the background awkwardly. I did actually try to interact but was ignored by some of his friends, although

there is one who always tries talking to me and I like him for that, but they aren't close.They're his only

group of friends, so I understand his attachment and will to be included, but it isn't my fault he did not

try to make new friends; he does not like change and therefore doesn't adapt until forced into a situation

where he has to. In this case, it's his friendship group expanding and including other parties which he now

feels are closer to the core of the group than he was. This is something I thought he would have understood

from getting a girlfriend. He still hangs out with his friends plenty, it's just reduced maybe from 10 hours a day

to 6 hours instead. 

 

Of course there are times where when my friends invite me out in his presence and I'm with him, that I reject 

even if I would really like to go out with them, it's because I'm putting what I most want to do second

because I am doing something already, with someone I'm going out with. I think he jumps at instinct

on what he wants to do, rather than considering us as a pair. When approached, he said he wants to remain

a core of the group as much as he used to be, but that his friends seem to be closer to each other than they

are to him. He fears that his friends do not care about him as much as they "used to" or that the balance is

wrong in that he cares more about them than they do, him. And the reason why he wants to be so involved

is so that his only real group of friends do not grow distant from him, but him trying to be the core of the group 

is leaving me in the sidelines too often which is why I actually get upset.

 

There are other friends in the same friendship group that are in relationships, but their partners are 

more controlling and evidently possessive and I am far from a fan of relationships like that,

but there is a respect and boundary for their relationships that other people notice and know not to cross.

I just want that boundary to be with our relationship too, I want people to feel free talking to him when

I'm there, of course, but I want people to not walk over our time together, just because they know he will agree

to whatever they suggest.

One thing I've tried to do is become less invisible by doing things with the people he lives with, so it feels less

of an intrusion when I'm at their house, I've cleaned the place when they all went out, bought pizzas

for everyone without worrying about being paid back (one gave me some money which was handy) but I have tried

different options but not found a solution and the nicer I am trying so hard to be, the easier I make it

for him to walk on me. I know you can't buy people's approval by buying ice cream and cookies but it was worth a try lol. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm trying to buy the ability to be comfortable and feel accepted to no avail.

I feel like a doormat sometimes, but that is no one elses fault but my own, I have made myself that way and

now I want to reverse what I have done. [/hide]

 

 

Tl;dr: Feeling invisible. Bf ditches me at first opportunity when friends invite him out IN MY PRESENCE without considering me

 

 

He fears that his friends do not care about him as much as they "used to" or that the balance is

wrong in that he cares more about them than they do, him. And the reason why he wants to be so involved

is so that his only real group of friends do not grow distant from him, but him trying to be the core of the group 

is leaving me in the sidelines too often which is why I actually get upset.

 

Honestly? I think someone needs to tell him "you can keep close to your group of friends or you can keep close to your girlfriend, but not both."

 

Also, doing things like cleaning and buying them pizza honestly makes you, well, how should I put this... cleaning and buying them pizza is supporting this behavior. You want to do the opposite.

[Riku3220]

The girl is a 19 year old college sophomore who has had two boyfriends in the past so I believe that she is serious about this. I will pursue the relationship despite the lack of sex. Seeing as how my last two relationship were also completely sexless (and ended for reasons unrelated to no sex) I do not feel like I'm settling. It's just strange how I'm still going to be a virgin despite this being my third girlfriend. What are even the chances of something like that happening? I think I was born with the power to dry up every vagina in the immediate area faster than a sponge in the Mojave and so the only girls who want to get close to me are the ones who don't want sex.

[muggiwhplar]

Women will do whatever you put up with

[obfuscator]

"I'm saving myself for marriage" = "I don't want to have sex with you"

This is not even remotely close to being true.....

[obfuscator]

The girl is a 19 year old college sophomore who has had two boyfriends in the past so I believe that she is serious about this. I will pursue the relationship despite the lack of sex. Seeing as how my last two relationship were also completely sexless (and ended for reasons unrelated to no sex) I do not feel like I'm settling. It's just strange how I'm still going to be a virgin despite this being my third girlfriend. What are even the chances of something like that happening? I think I was born with the power to dry up every vagina in the immediate area faster than a sponge in the Mojave and so the only girls who want to get close to me are the ones who don't want sex.

This is not necessarily a bad thing.... If your goal is just to have sex, you won't be happy...but some of the strongest relationships I know of waited until marriage to have sex.

[Hedgehog]

 

"I'm saving myself for marriage" = "I don't want to have sex with you"

This is not even remotely close to being true.....

 

I know a number of women who have said exactly that, especially in high school. They meet a guy that they kinda like, but they're not really attracted to, so they say they're not ready for sex. There's a reason why most women aren't virgins when they get married.

[Miss Lioness]

I'm probably also one of those girls who just don't want sex. It is more like, once a relationship has incorporated sex, a shift has been taken place in where the relationship has been changed. It is quite difficult to explain in words.

[Low Levelled]

I'm probably also one of those girls who just don't want sex. It is more like, once a relationship has incorporated sex, a shift has been taken place in where the relationship has been changed. It is quite difficult to explain in words.

Not really hard to explain. It means more to the girl, the majority of the time. She becomes more attached. Guy stays the same or even gets a little overwhelmed by her attachment.

[Miss Lioness]

Well I actually had a relationship fail simply because I didn't want sex. Only shows how far someone could love someone :).

[Low Levelled]

Well I actually had a relationship fail simply because I didn't want sex. Only shows how far someone could love someone :).

Or that love is folly.

[obfuscator]

 

 

 

"I'm saving myself for marriage" = "I don't want to have sex with you"

This is not even remotely close to being true.....

I know a number of women who have said exactly that, especially in high school. They meet a guy that they kinda like, but they're not really attracted to, so they say they're not ready for sex. There's a reason why most women aren't virgins when they get married.

Okay, if we're talking about 15 year olds. I've never met an adult woman who had this motivation for delaying sex.

[Hedgehog]

Yeah I don't think there are many women who pull that after like 21

[Miss Lioness]

You mean, avoiding sex with particular men?

[Low Levelled]

Riku are you at least getting to have a little fun? Orrrrr nada?

[obfuscator]

You mean, avoiding sex with particular men?

Avoiding sex by saying that they want to wait until marriage.

 

I think it's important to acknowledge that in this situation it is possible that she is sexually attracted to him and actually wants to wait until marriage.

[obfuscator]

I wouldnt be sure about that unless shes very religious

Her daily management of the relationship should make it clear how she really feels in short order.

[RpgGamer]

Sex is a super high priority in relationships. Otherwise why bother? If I wanted someone to be super close to without having sex I'd make more friends. Granted this lead me to a string of girls with few friends and high sex drives. Its not hard to connect the dots here.